Simply His

Twenty

2012-02-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

Daddy?

Hello. It's me again. Yeah, I know. You've seen me a whole lot lately. Well, or I should say, You've listened to me a whole lot lately. Thank You.

Thank You for being patient, a kind Listener. Thank You for being TRUTH. in my confusion. in my questions.

I remember where we were a year ago tonight, Daddy. Upper lounge, girls dorms. Last few hours were slipping by of year 18.

And now, it's about time for the nineteenth year to die.

It's kind of scary to me. Twenty?

Dad! It sounds old! It's not though, is it? You're smiling at me, aren't You?

Thank You that You're already in my twenty. You know the corners of it so well. You see. You love.

My one cry: "Oh, oh, oh bring [me] back to You." Every moment. I am in love with You, Jesus. Please deepen that love. Make it pure, marked with endurance. You are my choice. Give me strength to live it. To make that decision. Thank You, Love.

Thank You for smiling on me. Please, Lord, walk me through these waters of new year. It belongs to You. :)

I love You,
Your danae girl,
Simply Yours

Last Photo Stream for Last Month

2012-02-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

Month done. Completed. Craziness.

Here's the last line of pictures for January! :)

Day 22: Good moments in the cafeteria --- one of my favorite places on campus. It's so fun to eat meals with good friends and siblings in Jesus. This is a picture of Crazy Curtis, my friend Kayla, and me. :)

Day 23: Roommate Bethany starting to feel the heat after day one of classes. Oh beautiful syllabus shock. :) But WE WILL MAKE IT! Conquerors.

Day 24: Friend Tiffany and me in the library. Reading. Again. :)

Day 25: Surprise birthday for my friend Jenae!!! Her roommate organized it, and we had a fun time. :)

Day 26: This is Roger. He's one of Multnomah students' favorite people. He's volunteered for the school for such a long time and has this unique, wonderful way of cheering us up when we need it. :)

Day 27: Again, in the cafeteria. These two are fantastic sisters. And they like their apples. :)

Day 28: My good friend, Kayla's birthday. Her roommate and I took her out to Indian food, and in India, you eat food with your fingers!!! So, we went in for the cultural experience. :)

Day 29: I got this sweet message from Kayla at the PERFECT TIME. Seriously, it was such a God-thing. Kayla didn't know that I'd need specific prayer at a specific moment, but Jesus did. Wow.

Day 30: Earlier that past week, I had tried out for a reading team for my C.S. Lewis class. I enjoyed trying out SO MUCH! Made me remember how much I love acting! :) Well, I was asked to be on the team! Highlight of my week. I'm excited. :)

Day 31: Every Tuesday, my dorm section has dorm section dinners. Here is a picture of a lot of the girls in my dorm section. :)

Well, I don't know if I've taken any pictures now that it's February, but I'm sure grateful for all the photos I got in January, and hopefully, I will be inspired to carry my camera with me more often. Maybe? :)

As for this month, I want to try to write an encouraging note each day. It's simple, but it gives me a good excuse to get something done that I enjoy doing but don't always take the time to do. :)

Ah, I have so much to update you on, like my new years desire to be trustworthy and my journey through making decisions and what my roommate helped me see about that through the Sunday school lesson at her church. I could tell you about how welcoming the people of Clackamas Bible Church have been as I visited them again this Sunday. Ah, I guess for another time. For now, I will leave you with a Corrie Ten Boom quote. She inspires me. May you be inspired in this new week!

"And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself."

- Corrie Ten Boom

Full Life

2012-01-21T21:50:00.000-08:00

Once again, school comes like the foreseen blizzard, hiding my time somewhere in the flurries, and I am unaware as to where it could possibly have went to. Okay. That maybe made no sense. I'm pretty tired. haha :) BUT ANYWAY, I wanted to get in a post really fast. The pictures show some of the last moments of vacation before I came back to Multnomah as well as the beginning of a new semester.

Day 15: It snowed the Sunday before I left! So beautiful!

Day 16: Two of my friends from church met Briana and me at Shari's before we left . . . good to catch up and laugh. :)

Day 17: Yes, I made Valentines already. haha :) I LOVE Valentines day . . . trying to get ahead. :)

Day 18 is the sad photo. My sister left me for college on Wednesday. I love her a ton and miss our laughs, but I'm really glad she can be where she's supposed to be right now. She still faithfully remains my better half. ;)

Dad took me out to breakfast after we took Briana out to the airport . . . so early! but good to have time with him.

Day 19: On Thursday, I went with my mom to her Bible study, and at the end, I went out into our church's gym. There is this empty stage. I have so many memories of this place. I become Mary again when my feet hit the black floor and my nose smells the old hay that used to cover the floor.

Same day (fitting for the two to go together . . . semi-bitter memories need something sweet) I had a mini pumpkin still from fall that I really wanted to try to carve, so I carved out Joy on one side.

Day 20: It was SO FUN to see my roommate, Clarissa, when I got back! Sweet reunion!

Day 21: It was so great to see roommate BETHANY on Saturday! I love this girl! Both of my roommates are such gifts.

Also, that day, I got to spend some time in the school's prayer chapel . . . one of my favorite places. Jesus and I have had some deep heart to hearts there. He is good.

Jesus has given me such a full life. I see this in these pictures. It is good to remember His gifts. :)

Will You Hold My Traveling Cases?

2012-01-17T12:03:00.000-08:00

January is speeding by. Somebody should give this month a ticket! It's going by way too fast. :) It has been full though . . . several memories thus far. :)

So far, I've been able to take at least one picture each day! Not all of them are very impressive but hey. :) I'll share some of them at the end of this. I should apologize. The picture part is a little more diary-like, and normally, I kinda stay away from the detailed activities of my life on this blog. It may not interest you too much. That's okay. Feel free to just keep scrolling.

Recently, I finished Corrie Ten Boom's The Hiding Place. One of the best books I've ever read. I'm hoping to share more on that later, but for now, can I leave you a quote I read from the book?

Here goes:

He [Corrie's father] turned to look at me [little Corrie], as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.

"Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?"

I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

"It's too heavy," I said.

"Yes," he said. "And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you."

And I was satisfied. More than satisfied-- wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions --- for now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping.

Later, as Corrie went through the living-death of the concentration camps, she remembered this moment of her father carrying the suitcase and realized that she had to give over the heavy burdens of the not-knowing, the not-understanding to her heavenly Father. She could not carry it on her own. I desire the faithfulness that God put in Corrie. I have my own traveling cases, my own questions and places of not understanding. Some of the things I don't understand really aren't even about me. I don't understand why God's people have to be so harshly persecuted in North Korea. I don't understand why God's precious kids are dying in Africa while I have more than enough. These burdens are heavy, and my first reaction is to turn to God and tell Him, "I don't understand!" But I think that's only half of the solution.

Even my not-understanding needs to be surrendered to Jesus. He can carry it. I love that Corrie said that there ARE answers to the questions, but we may not be strong enough to carry them now, so Jesus must for us.

And He will.

May You be blessed with that today. You are alive for a very special reason, friend! May you trust Him today and let Jesus carry you and your "traveling cases." He is strong enough.

Week of January 8th in Pictures

Item crossed off of bucket list . . . put coins on a train track with cousins. So fun! It's the littlest thrills that make me happy.

Our good family friend, Jim, took family out to eat after church on Sunday. So kind.

I got a little bit of paperwork type things done this week . . . got my schedule written in my planner, started a book, finished a volunteer app.

I really had to think about what it means to be a light for Jesus. I'm still not sure I completely understand, but I want this. I want to be His light. I want to be real and let those around me see this Savior who we really do need.

One of my coworkers at the radiator shop! :) Made open-mouth faces at each other each day. I couldn't keep my face open that long though for the picture. Snap-Crack-It! haha Had a fun time.

More of my coworkers. I worked mainly with the woman on the left. Her son is the little guy. He tried to scare me often (and often succeeded). He's a fun little guy!

God's sunsets were GLORIOUS this week! YHWH is incredible! His work stunning.

Dad took us out to eat at A&W one night! Very fun . . . definitely a family tradition, eating out in our town's old-fashioned A&W.

This sweet little girl still calls me "Mary" even though it's been two years since I was in the pageant. Love her a ton. She and her family and a few others came over to our house last week.

Mom and I did it! Three whole miles on the workout video. Woo hoo! :) My belly still may not be flat, but hey . . . working on it! ;)

See those papers on the floor? Yep . . . syllabi and class notes. Getting ready for a new semester ahead and spending time laughing with my sister.

The Beginning

2012-01-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

It's a baby. Fresh, new, sweet twenty twelve. Only a week old.

I've already made my share of mistakes and misshapen attitudes.

But His mercy is new.

Every morning.

Every beginning.

And I am excited. New Years is still one of my favorite holidays. I know, I know. I'm a nerd. :)

I still need to think of more resolutions and/or settle on the ones I've made, but somewhere I read that it's during the day to day moments where the real changes in our heart occur. It's not the beginning of the year resolutions that change us. Plus, I feel like I can handle monthly resolutions better than yearly ones. I haven't made many spiritual resolutions yet.I have a feeling that the spiritual resolutions need to begin more in baby steps at the beginning of each week instead of the overwhelming beginning of 365 days. I still need to set goals for that though because it's important for me to have goals.

One thing I really want to try this year though is doing something consistently each new month. Plus, I hear that it takes around 30 days(?) to create a habit, SO I could potentially have 12 new habits by the end of this year. Maybe, maybe? :)

Well, for January, I'm trying to take at least one picture every day. :) So far, I've succeeded! I've even taken more than one picture daily, which is saying something because I'm horrible at using my camera.

Can I share some of them with you?

Day 1. The New Year started at our home church. Briana and I were able to play our instruments at church again . . . first time in several months.

Day 2 Family played some games Monday night . . . Dutch Blitz and In a Pickle. I had a good time, and I think they did too. Good to do something as a family.

On Day 2, I also got to see my friend Holly, a friend from high school. That was good, and we got to act like dorks in front of a camera. :)

Day 3 I drove in my job to Riddle, Oregon (South). The sky was THRILLING as the sunset. So beautiful!

Day 4 I went to PORTLAND for my job! Ah, my town. Felt familiar in parts. Will be fun to be back for school in a few weeks.

Day 5 (Yeah, I know. Dorky pic, but at least I got in a picture! lol) I got in a very small wreck while driving for my job. Thankfully, it wasn't my fault and "my" rig only got dented. It was my first accident though. Good reminder that life isn't a guarantee. It's a gift. From Jesus.

Day 6 My family took pizza to my grandparents house. Love them so much. They're so funny. Grandpa dressed up in a tie and mismatched socks just to see our reaction. Grandma sang some songs with us. It was good to be with them. Love them a lot.

Day 7 Briana and I went on a miniature road trip in our small town, trying to discover new nooks and crannies. We went to a cemetery as well. On the back of one of the tombstones was etched "Thank You, Jesus." My . . . cemeteries are interesting places. I kinda like them though. I like to read the words left behind on gravestones. I like to imagine how many stories are laid buried in graveyards, and I like to try to understand what it means to be mortal.

This hasn't been the perfect week for me. I really need Jesus, and I need to refocus. I feel like I've spent more restless, agitated time with Him than real, focused time with Him. Thankfully, He is still the same. He is still working. He is so incredibly faithful. He is gentle and forgiving. I am undeserving.

I'm so glad He walked with me into twenty-twelve. The beginning of a new year has come, and He is still walking near. <3

Footprints

2011-12-31T23:26:00.000-08:00

Two.Thousand.Eleven.

What a year.

I just finished a while ago going through my old prayer journals for the year and my oh my. What a ride of a year. :)

This was the year of three mentors. Of four jobs. Of visiting six churches before I've possibly settled on one.

This was the year of new. New experiences, new church, new ministry.
This was the year of being broken, of hurting. This was also the year of healing. Of Jesus coming through.

I would rather not relive most of this year again, but I am still grateful for it. One of the professors at my school was sharing his life's journey, and he gave us ten points. The first point was that the most difficult is the most meaningful. That sums up my 2011. While it was probably the most difficult year I've had yet, it was also possibly one of the most meaningful. Jesus met me in ways I wouldn't have been able to imagine at the beginning of the year.

Jesus taught me so many things and gave me so many good opportunities in the midst of the painful places. Some of the highlights of this year:

My friend taking me to the waterfalls and my nose bleeding. And bleeding. And bleeding. Embarrassing but hilarious memory.

Hearing Josh Wilson live sing on my birthday with two of my dear friends.

Being mentored by Heather. Jesus used her to help change my heart, helped me begin to heal after the brokenness.

Good talks with my family, "healing rain" coming.

Being prayed for as I went through the line of Tadmor people surrounding me on either side.

Working with Jennifer was for sure a highlight of working at Camp Tadmor this summer.

Tadmor letting me off to go to my church camp and be a counselor for a few days/nights . . . highlight of my year. I LOVE Drift Creek and those kids so much.

Laughing with my friends after we hit a deer on the way to our college retreat.

Working on workcrew at Wildhorse (the all college retreat).

Laughing and laughing with my friends Kayla and Clarissa as we went to Thai food, rode the tram, went to Fred Meyers, and tried to act like we knew what we were doing under the hood of my car. One of my favorite nights.

Going with friend Kayla to a hospital, delivering flowers to some of the patients. Another one of my favorite nights.

Having a date with Briana (sister) and going to Portland and to a fantastic wedding. Many memories.

Laughing, crying, and praying with my two roommates: Bethany and Clarissa. They have been such beautiful blessings to me. Jewels. There are several other wonderful memories I have of them both.

People praying for me, with me. Jesus showing me the power of having others pray for you in the moment.

Going on the high ropes course and just hanging out with my class from Experiential Learning on our retreat. Conquering fear of heights.

Being at Multnomah again for another semester. I love that place so much. I love the people. So many highlights of people just blessing my socks off and loving me. Friends? I love you so much. So many fun memories with many different people.

Some sweet, anonymous friend leaving me a wonderful gift of new clothes and boots!!! Blessed me so much.

The times I could come home this semester and rest, and the homecoming when Briana came back from California, and the family could be together again.

These are only some of my highlights from 2011. There are lots more of them and of wonderfully good memories. If you're reading this, and I didn't mention you, please forgive me because you are dear to me too, even if I didn't mention you by name.

I am still quite single. And I still love Jesus. :) But maybe (hopefully) even more than I did a year ago.

About a week ago, some of my friends pointed me (separately) to the Footprints in the Sand poem. Now I've seen that poem/writing several times and thought it was "nice" but didn't think too much of it. After all, it was pretty popular too, and I didn't want to hang on to something just because it was popular. Well now the poem has kind of lost its publicity, but as I read the parts of it that I was given to read, it took on very new, real meaning as I looked at it with new eyes, reading it as if it was my story. Here is part of it:

The Lord replied, "My [daughter], My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During, your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you."

Jesus was there. Through all of it. Oh dear friend, can you look back at YOUR year? Can You see that in those times you wouldn't mind erasing or at least pushing back to the edge of your memory, that it was in these times that Jesus carried you? He was there. He knew we wouldn't be able to see Him then, but if we look back, maybe we can see Him now, see that He never ever left. Alleluia.

He walked with me through the "No." He held me when I cried, when I felt so alone, so afraid that no one would really love me the way I needed to be loved. Jesus? You never left me. You let me walk through the process of it all. You held my hand through the "Yes" of Tadmor, and You knew how difficult it was for me to work there and the struggle of it, of waking up early, going to bed late, the constant doing. You held me when I cried as I came back to Multnomah, and things had to be different. And You sent people to love me in the processes. You walked me through finding a new church, new ministry. And in the meantime, You taught me that Your thoughts are greater than mine, that Your ways are higher. Better.

You showed me that You are so very much active and interested in me personally, in my life, in my relationships, my future. You taught me that my desire to be "real," sincere, was more of a desire to be worthy, but the truth is, I am unworthy. There is nothing I can do about that. And that's OK because You love me where I'm at, in my unworthiness. You love me here and make me new. I can give up striving and start realizing that I am Yours, that the story is about You and not about me doing.
You remind me that You sing over me songs of deliverance. You helped me see that I need to keep my eyes LOCKED on You, and I picture that when I pray often now. I picture looking into Your eyes and the setting is the sea and the storm, and we're walking on water, and I need to keep my eyes on Your eyes.

You taught me about being honest with You, about telling You when I'm not on track. You also showed me the importance of just being in Your presence and realizing that even when I'm not on track, I still need to be with You, need You to come into my distraction and pain. I can't just stay away from you and run from You in my pain and in my darkness and sin.

I thank Jesus that I am [hopefully] a different danae than I was a year ago. I am being made new. I'm super curious about what 2012 holds. I still have yet to make resolutions, but even if I don't get around to it or even if I don't have them yet, one thing and only really one thing needs to be settled.

I'm all ready . . . as long as Jesus is coming with me and walking with me through this brand new year. I am ready . . . no matter what comes, just as long as Jesus stays and holds my hand through it. Hallelujah. He has promised to never leave and never forsake. He will keep working on me. He will stay. And because of this, I can face a new year with anticipation. This is His story, and my Father writes fantastic stories. :)

So, goodbye two.thousand.eleven. I am glad to see you ending in many ways. You were hard on me, but I am very grateful for you. I won't forget you. Enjoy hanging out with the rest of the closed chapters of my life.

And hello, two.thousand.twelve. I'm ready for the adventure. With Jesus. :)

I Need

2011-12-29T20:33:00.000-08:00

There are so few things that I need here. So few things.

But one thing that I NEED, that I don't just want, don't just need on occasion but with-every-breath-desperation, I need Jesus.

Literally.

I need the God-Man who stepped on this earth here. I NEED You. I will SCREAM it. I will write it. I will pray it. I will sing it. I need YOU, Jesus. Hallelujah.

It is YOU who carry me, who make me laugh, and let me cry. You give me peace when I'm too stressed to think clearly. You give me HOPE, make me smile. You heal me in the deep parts. What would I be without You? I need YOU, Jesus.

Thank You for being You, for being here . . . just when I need You. I am so glad to be Yours. Everything else can fade into the background because all that really matters is covered. My deepest need taken care of every moment by You, Jesus. Thank You.

But it's not just about me needing. I want You too, Lord! I WANT to be with You. Let me live to extend myself, to really give myself to You. To not just need You (take in) but to really love You (give out).

Emmanuel

2011-12-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

Christmas break.
home. safe. sleep.

and i am infected
with red bumps and bloodstained world.

and You wear my skin for just awhile.

is human skin scratchy to God?
does it itch and burn the spirit of YHWH
to wear our dirt?

oh Jesus, You did.

and a few thousand years back,
a little girl's stomach swelled,
and You bumped against her rib cage
and felt the rhythm of human heart.

this was Your choice.

Emmanuel.

that we may know YHWH.

that we may hear His voice

and see what love really is.

that we may be saved from our own skin. flesh. brokenness.

You come.

And again,

You will come,

that we may meet our full salvation.

that we may see Who Love really is.

and hear His voice.

that we may know YHWH.

Emmanuel.

we are not alone.

The Weeks of the End

2011-12-02T01:14:00.000-08:00

finals week. edging near. creeping, pouncing.

RAWR.

the lion, right next to my ear.

but You, Jesus, You've calmed greater storms than

papers and exams.

teach me to lay my stress down.

my problems are not most significant.

not in the long run.

i am tiny.

the moon reminds me.

but You hold me in Your hands.

and my baby problems.

and You see them as significant to me.

but not so big.

thank You.

we can do this.

You've already won.

thanks, Dad.

i love You.

love from: simply Yours.

Jesus? THANK YOU!!!!

2011-11-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

Thank You, Jesus.

for loving me.
with pure, rich love.

for loving me enough
to hurt me sometimes
and make me laugh other times.

thank You for hope,
and the way it ribbons
throughout my story.
Your story of me.

thank You for our adventures.
mexico. drama. hospital visits.

thank You for keeping me awake
on those long homework nights.
for sustaining me with strength
time and time and time
again.

thank You for giving me
daily bread.
all i need for the moment.
(sometimes it's just enough
other times, You give more)

thank You for a home.
for nestling me in
in these moments.
with these people. family.

thank You for being SO REAL.
for being REAL in the questions.
REAL in the answers.
You are I AM.

thank You for making me quirky
and loving me in my messes.
my truck load of imperfections.
sometimes, it makes me laugh
how messy i am.
how awkward i am at this thing called
life.
but the way You embrace me as i am
makes me laugh
and love being danae
and love even more than i am Yours.
simply Yours.

thank You for Your blood.
Jesus, i AM unworthy.
and You love me here and
make me grow.
Your blood, Your story of horror
makes me live. sets me free.
i owe You everything.
(here i am --- please use me,
forgive me for being scared.
please make me brave)

thank You for shepherding my heart.
for being my Father.
my Best Friend.
faithful Love.

thank You, Jesus.
for . . . well, . . .
everything.
You are a Father of good gifts.
hallelujah.
we don't deserve You.
but i exalt You.

You are JEHOVAH.
YHWH.
Creator. King. Lord.

worthy of all praise.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jesus.
i love You.

A New Twist on Gratitude

2011-11-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've found myself feeling very sentimental about my time here at Multnomah. I walk the same cement sidewalks again and again, and I can't imagine living another life. After all, I have BIBLE READING for HOMEWORK! How better can life be? I'm surrounded by beautiful people who love Jesus and make me laugh and let me cry. I'm connected with friendships that are DEEP because they're tied in by Jesus. We try to know each other and encourage each other. I love the way that I can go on adventures with friends with the sole purpose of just loving people because we have (or make) the time and have the resources. I love that I have a community that I feel comfortable with. I love this world.

And recently, I feel like I've been living in this awkward place of sentiment, not living in the enjoyment of the world but living in a space of being afraid of letting it go.

I came to Multnomah University last year. I fell in love. The people. The Bible. The Chapels. (the list goes on. even in the little things. dorm life. cafe food. gym access. chance to "be an adult." i'm a dork. smile.) But I've told myself that I don't want to nose dive deep into debt unless this is where I KNOW God wants me. Plus, I really have no rock solid plan for my future, so while I would LOVE to continue at MU (and just might), I feel like I'm living with the possibility that some of these moments could be my last. This could be my last fall semester. (COULD). These months living in the dorms with beautiful daughters of God could be numbered. (COULD). I don't know.

But instead of simply embracing every moment, I'm afraid I'm trying to smuggle every moment. Letting every beautiful memory end on with a twinge of sad.

And it's here I think Jesus wants to teach me something about Gratitude.

You see, I think thankfulness is about letting go.
Yep.
I said it.

Gratitude fully experiences. It experiences the moments, lifts the moments to God to bless Him for it, and lets the moments go to experience the new ones.

Gratitude keeps us from getting stuck.

Well, in theory it should. I can't say I'm a big pro on that yet, but I think Jesus is trying to show me something valuable here.

There are so few guarantees in this life. Am I surrendering every moment? Am I living like the sprinkles of soft rain on my face and the laughter with friends and the worship in chapel are undeserved gifts from God that I must FULLY EXPERIENCE and then carefully let go to experience the other gifts that He continues to bring my way? I've got some thinking to do. :)

Day 31: The Unfinished Finale

2011-10-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

Thirty one days.

I have never blogged so much. In. My. Life.

It was quite the journey. :)

I don't know that I'm ending the thirty one days with many intense discoveries, but I have worked through some of the issues I struggled with, and I've spent more time with Jesus than I did the month before.

But the journey doesn't end here. It can't end here because I'm not done praying, and I don't want to be done learning what it means to really pray and pray HARD.

I wanted to end the month with how Jesus used prayer in my day today. On the thirty-first day.

I woke up this morning, went to breakfast, talked out group presentation with some of the people from marriage and family class, and then I headed to the library, weighed down in fatigue and brokenness.

It was the frustrated brokenness. The brokenness that is chaotic and confused and angry and sad. The brokenness that leaves me wondering how I'll make it through the rest of the day because it's suffocating and painful.

I traveled into worship chapel with a heavy heart, and I broke as we sang the words about God wrapping me in His arms and being my everything. Tears.

And I looked for one of my dear friends, Kayla. I needed that 11-99, someone to bring me to Jesus because I was breaking.

Oh Jesus! Thank You so much for Kayla!!!

Oh, I praise God for friends. Kayla, you hugged me and let me cry and share my hurt and brokenness. And I asked if you would pray, and you did. Thank you so much. You don't understand how powerful that was for me.

You spoke God's Word over me, and that was probably one of the most powerful parts. You claimed God's promises in your prayer, that if we seek, we will find. He'll open the door if we knock. That was so powerful for me.

But it was also very powerful just that You knocked on Heaven's door, and He listened to you and saved me.

The craziest thing was, I was still broken, but God's peace came in. It was no longer the confused, angry, hurt, frustrated brokenness. It was the peaceful kind, and I can survive the peaceful kind.

As my day continued, it became much better. It was sunny, and I made it through my presentation in Marriage and Family, and I survived my quiz in one class, and I laughed with coworkers at my job and with friends in general, and I worked out while laughing and talking with one of my roommates, and . . .

Jesus? You come to my rescue.

You come.

You are.

Thank You so much for listening to Kayla. Please help me to remember to be active in praying for others and to pray Your promises. That was SO POWERFUL when she prayed Your promises.

Thank You so much that You don't leave us as we are, but You change us and make us new. You teach us, Jesus. You teach us about Yourself and who we are and how to pray and grow and love.

You don't leave us as orphans. You come. You come into the brokenness and the pain, and sometimes You don't always take it away, but You bring Yourself into it. You bring peace into it.

Thank You for these 31 days. This isn't over, Jesus. Please, I don't want it to be over. I want to be committed to prayer like You, Jesus. That sounds overwhelming, but You know how to teach me step by step.

I love You. Thank You for being God and for being real. For being God in it all. I really am glad to be Simply Yours.

I love You, Jesus.

But I want to love You even more.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Day 30: Expectations

2011-10-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I have this idea that after I pray, I'm suppose to have everything figured out, everything lined up and smoothed over. I feel like that's not always how it works.

Sometimes prayer is just me giving up. I don't know if it does always make me feel better, but it's letting myself know and kinda letting Jesus know that I know (oh dear, . . . lots of knows) that He is capable of healing and making it all new sometime. In His time. He is capable of taking the junk and making it good. Just not always in my time or in my way, and I need to let that be okay.

Really, what are my expectations when I come to pray?

Dear Father,

I don't have very thrilling words to offer You today. My heart has had a yucky morning . . . a lot of feelings. Anger. Hurt. Frustration. And I've come to You, hoping You'd make it all right and make it all go away on my terms. You didn't. You don't work that way, and sometimes it scares me because I'm afraid You don't give me what I need.

I lose sight of You. I stop trusting. I am Israel.

Forgive me, Jesus. I know this is wrong. I don't always have the strength to change my mind. Please help me. Let. Go.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Day 29: God-With-Man-Walks

2011-10-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

Today I'm reposting my blog post from June 1st. It's about one specific prayer time that I had with Jesus. It was kind of one of those break through moments . . . sometimes, we just need to go back to what we KNOW. And we know some very important things as daughters and sons of YHWH.

Gray and Green

The sky was gray and the fields a marvelous green, and it was late, but I still knew it would be good for me to get out and walk for awhile to my road's nearest "T" and back a few times. There were still swatches of white light filtered through the clouds. The rain holding back for then.

And sometimes, the gray and the green are perfect colors for God-with-man walks.

God, I'm so confused and tired of fighting and thinking and this feeling of being so fake and my thoughts not even sounding like me anymore. I don't know about these things, Jesus!

danae, what do you know?What have I taught you?

And I spoke it. The clouds and the green blades my witnesses. For there are things I do know.

God, You are the One who sees me, who looks after me (Hagar).

You provide. On the Mount of the LORD, it will be provided (Abraham).

YHWH, this year, You've showed me that You are strong, that You can handle my emotions.

Father, I know that You are involved in the details of my life. That YOU, Creator, Nation Mover, Powerful God, that YOU are involved in my life, involved enough to speak into my heart situations.

I know that I am wanted. You WANT me, Jesus! I don't know why, but You've showed me that this is really true.

I know that I can trust You. Trust You to change me, to get me where I need to be. I love You.

God, this year, You've taught me about the importance of being honest with others, of living in transparent community. Living life with people.

And the sky opened a little and water sprinkled against my face.
And it was Jesus, and I closed my eyes and felt Him touching me.

I'm learning that it is a beautiful thing to live life open to God. I know that He knows everything about my life, but when I try to live in Him, trying to expose myself and live naked before Him like Eve in Eden, when I try to say how I'm feeling so I'm sharing it and opening myself to Him, then I am more free. I'm open.

And when I'm open . . . He can reach down and touch me. Even if it comes in rain drops against my face.

I'm still confused about some things, but it sure helps to be open. And really, there are very important things that I am NOT confused about. These I hold on to.

Thank You so much, Jesus, for going on that walk with me. You held my hand, Most High, didn't You? You are my Healer, and I love You. Thank You for touching me.

Day 28: Preparing Through Prayer

2011-10-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

Awhile back, I began this prayer journey. I tried to spend fifteen minutes with Jesus. These past few weeks, I've done miserably at this, but as I'm looking back, I feel like throughout each moment of prayer success (aka taking those times to pray) Jesus has used it to bring me so much closer to Him. So much closer.

And now, as I have stepped into the present circumstances, into some of the cresting waves and the winds that I'm working out now, I know more fully that Jesus will bring me through it. That I'll be safe. That He will be right there. And I know this because He's prepared me and showed me more who He was through prayer.

I love the way that He drew me to His throne about a month ago because He knew what would be ahead of me and knew I'd need that time with Him, and that I need to start forming habits that will send me living and breathing in His throne room. Such a precious thing.

I prayed again this morning for about fifteen minutes. Though the broken pieces of my situations haven't magically been put together yet, it felt good to be back at His feet again, and I'm planning on spending that time tonight. I need Jesus. And He shows up. <3

Dear Father,
You know. Everything. Thank You so much for calling my heart to prayer. You know how many times I've been so frustrated with it and with myself, but I don't regret any of those minutes spending time with You. Please forgive me for when I've failed. I want my time with You, Jesus, to be so engrained within me that it's a natural part of my day.
Can we change the fifteen minutes to a half an hour? Maybe someday to an hour? Please call me close, Jesus. I love You. Thank You so much for being here with me. You really are so good.

Love,
Your danae girl :) Aka Amen. :)

Day 27: Trust & Prayer

2011-10-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

"Prayer is the exercise of trust." - Clarissa Smith

My roommates are WONDERFUL, and I was asking one of them to randomly give me a quote on prayer, and those are the words she gave me. She makes a good point.

Prayer and Trust.

It made me think. If this is true, then it means that when I'm not trusting well, I'm not praying. Is my trust in God reflected in how I pray? Even in when I pray?

This also reminds me about relationship. I trust those in my "inner circle" of friends very much. They've proven that I can be danae, and that they'll love me regardless . . . no matter what that looks like. I trust them, even in my awkwardness and dorkiness and dirt. They still love. If they didn't, I would run away much more quickly.

But yet, I run away from Jesus when my sin slips in and entangles me. I run from Him when I'm distracted. This doesn't always bring me to my knees. I'm pretty sure that means I'm not trusting Him in this.

Do I trust that Jesus will take me as I am? Do I trust Him enough to run to Him when I'm not enough, when I've known better and done *fill-in-the-blank* anyways? Do I trust Him to do with me what needs to be done and to love me the way I need to be loved?

My trust should propel me to my knees. Back to that throne room. Thank You, Clarissa Smith, for pointing that out. I love you. <3

Dear Father,
I've run, huh? I've run from You because I don't feel like I've measured up. Sometimes I run because I don't want to change. But I want to trust You. With all my heart.

I love You.

In Jesus' name.
Amen. <3

Day 26: Broken

2011-10-26T23:34:00.001-07:00

I don't have much to offer Jesus tonight.

But brokenness. A lot of brokenness.

So here's my prayer.

Jesus?

You see. Please come in. Please save me.

David uses good words to talk about the mire.
the muck. the sinking.

Please pull me out.

Love,
Your danae girl.

Day 25: Thank You, Jesus

2011-10-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

There are so many aspects of prayer.

Part of me doesn't want to mention them though. I don't want to make prayer scientific. I want to make it real. I want to make it all about loving Jesus and meeting Jesus and being real before Him.

But there is one aspect of prayer that is so important, that must never be seen as scientific but as a fresh, beautiful form of speaking to our Maker. This is thankfulness.

Gratitude is one of the most beautiful vessels of healing and praise. It's a two fold beauty. I've experienced its healing, but even so, I don't thank Him enough.

One way that I have tried to remember to say Thank You is to carry with me a piece of paper and just list the things that I'm thankful for, list the ways that I see Jesus loving on me and revealing His goodness to me through people, circumstances in the day. This has helped, but I haven't done it very often. Tomorrow's a new day. I should do it tomorrow. :)

How do you remember to say thanks? Any helpful hints?

Dear Father,

You have given such beautiful gifts, Lord. And some of them aren't beautiful at all, but they are good because You are, because You use them for my good. Please create in me a thankful spirit, one that always turns back to tell You "thank You."

In Jesus' name.
amen

Day 24: Reflecting Relationship

2011-10-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

While I must say, it's been great, and I've never blogged so much in my life, I'm pretty excited that there are only 7 days left to this 31 day blogging challenge. :) Whew! :)

But on another note . . .

There were two special speakers that came and shared with the girls tonight at Multnomah, and one of them specifically talked about how in order to be who we are suppose to be with the Lord, we need to just keep being like Him. The point made was that we don't become who we're supposed to become by just doing and doing and doing. We need to BE like Him. The lady went on to express that in order to be like Him, we need to spend time with the Father, be in relationship with Him. She made the point that Jesus did it. He spent HOURS with His Father.

I need this too.

I need the real life relationship with Father God. This comes partly through prayer.

But I think I need to revisit what "relationship" is.

Relationship is living real, raw life with someone. It's letting them into your secrets and pain and confusion. It's speaking out to them when you're confused by them and even angry at them. Relationships are based on honesty and committment. Does my relationship with Jesus have some of these same characteristics? Now granted, a relationship with YHWH, Creator of galaxies, should look different than a relationship with man, but there should still be signs of a relationship.

Does my prayer life reflect relationship?

Or just a mirage of intimacy?

Something for me to ponder.

Oh Father God?

Where are we at? Please let me know and hear You. Let me be honest with You and hear Your honest responses. I am vulnerable right now. You are shielding me. Please let me pray to You in true relationship with You. What does this mean? What does it mean to pray to You like Jesus did?

Thank You so much for listening, Father, for the way that You redeemed today in many ways.

I love You.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Day 23: Let My Sin Bring Me Back to You, YHWH

2011-10-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

Some people pray just to pray and some people pray to know God. --Andrew Murray

I so easily lose sight. Jesus knows.

And then Satan and this world are brutal tyrants.

They take anything good. Twist it. And scar my heart.

And knock me to my knees.

I can thank Jesus for this, because it turns my eyes back into His gaze.

Merciful God,
This world hurts sometimes, but thank You. Thank You because it brings me back to You. I'm safe with You, Abba.

But Jesus? There's more. My sin hurts too. Very much. And this doesn't always bring me to You. Sometimes, (most times) it makes me feel like running far away from You, from the fear that You'll be disappointed or ashamed or harsh, but Jesus, I need You. Even in my sin and my filth. Will You please be strong enough to carry me? I can't come to You perfect or clean or even pretty. I'm a mess most days. I don't want to run away anymore when I'm dirty. I want to run straight to You. I'm so sorry I'm such a mess. Will You still take me?

I very much need You, YHWH.

Love,

Your danae girl

Day 22: Ceasing to Pray

2011-10-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

"Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way." (1 Samuel 12:23)

Please read in context here.

WOAH!!!!! I wish I would have jumped into Biblegateway.com earlier. Today, I just typed in "Pray" as the keyword, and it gave me a list of treasures. This was one that stuck out to me. I worry that I'm incapable to truly dissect it for fear of being wrong, but I wonder if there are a few things I should be brave enough to try to glean from it?

First of all, it sticks out to me that Samuel says he'd be sinning against YHWH not to pray for the people. I have so many questions.

Would it be sin because Samuel was playing some sort of priest role for the people? Is it connected at all to the priesthood? (He seems to play the part of prophet over priest, but maybe I'm not looking at the full picture?)

Or is this more a statement about the LORD and about His people? About the values of God? That God desires of us to pray for the things/people He values? If this is so, are there people in my life that I have neglected to pray for, and in so doing, I have sinned against my God?

I'm not sure how big of a leap that is, but I wonder if I maybe need to reevaluate who I haven't been praying for and who I am.

I know I have definitely failed people in neglecting to pray for them. In so doing, am I sinning against God? Or are these different concepts? I think I have to be careful about this though, that I don't simply pray out of duty because I need to pray for a certain amount of people a certain amount of time to be in with Jesus. I don't think that's how it works, BUT I do think there's possibly an underlying point that is worth noting. What do you think?

Father?

Would YOU direct my prayer list? I don't know that I've ever thought about that, about having You teach me who I should pray for, but would You please direct my heart? Help me to see the deeper issue here, the one that's hidden. What was Samuel really saying? What does this say about You and prayer? Jesus, please speak into the silence.

Thank You so much for the way that You work things out so beautifully. I really am grateful to be Yours, Daddy.

In Jesus' name.
amen. <3

Pray 21: Persistence

2011-10-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

"And He told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart." (Luke 18:1)

Imagine. He's a Jewish Man, average height, strong, carpenter hands. His eyes are brown, and while they may seem common, the power of them is insane. He is a hard worker and a gentle Person but full of a power from whose source cannot be easily identified by the complicated thinkers.

And every morning, this Man wakes up before the sun gleams to pray. He is a WARRIOR.

His name is Jesus.

And I'm CAPTIVATED by this verse, and in the context, it's even more incredible. You should read it!

But what Jesus is saying in the parable and through this verse is so powerful. Jesus wants us to pray, to pray "always" and to not get discouraged.

How often do I get discouraged? How many seconds of my day have been spent in even simply shallow moments of just quick discouragement, not to mention the days that are full of it (these are few and far between, but some days are just "those types of days," ya know?).

And the God-Man who wakes up early to pray tells us to pray hard. To pray often. To NOT GIVE UP when we're praying.

This strikes me.

In fact, I think I need to think about this more.

Dear Father,
There's a lot on my mind, Jesus. A lot on my heart. Swirling chaos. You were so faithful to pray. You understood what it was. Help me to understand what prayer is, help me to pray always, to not get discouraged when I'm praying and to not let myself get discouraged because I AM praying. (Is that what You mean?)

I am Yours, Jesus. Please give me the strength to say "Yes" to You in EVERYTHING.

I love You. Teach me to love You more purely, Jesus.

In Your name, amen.

Day 20: Praying Scriptures

2011-10-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

The past few days, I've been an agitated pray-er. To be honest, I need to admit that I've failed with my prayer goals for this week. I think I've been so agitated that I've been so inward focused in my prayers and feel so lost in knowing what prayer should be that I've wanted to give up on those commitments. Plus, I didn't want to just do a dry duty.

Honestly, I've felt kind of defeated and spun up in guilt webs. Today, after chapel, I was able to spend some time in my school's prayer chapel. It was so good, especially because someone was playing and singing songs to Jesus on the piano in there while I sat and just soaked up being in Jesus. His grace is so full. That was healing to be able to sit in Jesus' presence again and be still and be in a new environment. Centered me.

But then later today, I was talking with a friend about my prayer struggles, and he opened his Bible to the Psalms. He shared with me something that's so great! He says that he declares truth from the Psalms when he prays. For example, he turned to Psalms 37 and shared an example.

I will "Fret not."

I will "trust in the LORD, and do good."

I will "Delight [myself in the LORD]."

I will "Commit [my] way to the LORD."

I will "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him."

etc.

I LOVE this, love this idea of praying God's Word in such direct ways. I needed that. I needed that suggestion and encouragement, and I want to put it to use. This helps center me and helps me because it leads me to praying for things I know are good and healthy. I don't know if that makes sense, but ya want to try it with me? It just might change the way we pray. :)

Dear Father,
Thank You so much for this wild day, for those You put in my path to encourage me, for the story of You and Peter and the waves and sinking, for Jared sharing with me about Psalms. Thank You, Lord, for the way You help center me and lead me back. Please keep doing it. I love You. I am so grateful to be Simply Yours.

In Jesus' name. Amen.

Day 19: Changing Our Minds

2011-10-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

On Sunday as Dad and I were driving to evening church, I asked him what he thought prayer is all about.

He thought for a little bit and than gave me an answer I wasn't expecting.

I'm probably going to butcher his quote, but it went something to the effect of:

"I think prayer is about seeing things the way God sees them."

It's about presenting things to Jesus and letting Him change our view on them or about Him giving us a broken heart for the things that breaks His. Prayer is a process that makes our heart more like the heart of Jesus.

Interesting!!!!

Catch this. Oswald Chambers has a quote that kinda ties into this idea.

Is the Son of God praying in me, or am I dictating to Him? . . . . Prayer is not simply getting things from God, that is a most initial form of prayer; prayer is getting into perfect communion with God. If the Son of God is formed in us by regeneration, He will press forward in front of our common sense and change our attitude to the things about which we pray.

Am I letting the Holy Spirit pray through me? What does that even look like? So many questions. There are answers somewhere.

Father,
What does it mean for You to change my heart when I pray? Is this what prayer is all about? I have so many questions. Am I simply missing the point? Let me see You, Jesus. Please. Let me just see You.

I love You, King! Thank You so much for being so present today.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 18: Confidence

2011-10-18T23:39:00.000-07:00

This morning, I read these words.

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:14-17 esv

When I pray, I come to Jesus . . . who understands. And because of Him, because He understands, I can come to the throne of grace, but not sheepishly. With confidence. Not because I deserve to approach that throne but because He understands. This is prayer. When I pray before Jesus, I'm coming in front of His throne. I receive mercy and find grace here, no matter what I've done. It's so funny how I run from Jesus when my sin creeps over my head. That's when I need Him the most. It's funny that even in these moments, when I feel I don't deserve to enter His presence, that He allows me to enter confidently, trusting who He is. He has enough mercy and grace for me.

I need His mercy and grace. I must not fully understand this need however, because if I did, it would draw me to my knees much more. I need to see my need.

Heavenly Father?
Thank You so, so much for letting me approach Your throne in confidence. Thank You that when I come, You give me all that I need to make it. You give me the mercy I so desperately need and the grace that refreshes me. Please help me to recognize my need. Let my need bring me to Your feet. I love You. I really do need You. A lot.

I blew it today in so many ways, Jesus. I focused so fully on myself. I've failed with the whole try-to-remember-to-pray-at-each-hour goal. I haven't spent the time or put in the energy. I need Your mercy. Thank You so much for supplying it in abundance. You are so good to me. You are holy.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Day 17: Raw Words

2011-10-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Father?
Please let me be real and raw. People need to know how broken I am apart from You. Especially in days like these. So here's just a prayer. Words.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Oh YHWH, my Father,

I don't have much good to give You today.
I am so broken and bent up.
Past sneaks into present like the shadow
I thought I shook.
My mind races in mazes, and I try
To figure out the end
To win, To escape.
But my small heart is beating too fast.
Come, Lord Jesus, Come.
I've tried to pray,
But it's been my words. My thoughts.
Trying to figure things out.
That's not prayer, is it?
Prayer is giving up. Surrendering.
It's letting go of my idea on how to fix
My life.

You are Water. Living Water that flows
Cold and refreshing into the desperate bends,
Breaks, Wounds in my being.
You uncover the shameful cracks,
Knocking gently on the sheets I use to
Try to cover the waste heaps.
Please come in. I'm sorry it's so messy here.
But I really do need You.
Are You sure You want to come?
You don't have to.
I'll disappoint You.
You might hate me.

The way You say my name is different.
Thank You for listening.
Thank You for listening to more than my
Choice, Select Words.
You listen to my very heart.

Thank You for not being afraid of me.
For not being afraid of my sin.
But for being courageous enough to
Lift me up from this weakness
And give me new name.
And new song.
Grace, sweet grace.

Thank You for entering the spaces.
I love You, Most High.

You are worthy of every ounce of my awe,
Worthy of every space in my thoughts
And every motivation for my actions.
You are kind King and gentle Friend.
You are Sovereign Lord.
You know. You see. You know.

Love,

Your broken one.
Simply Yours.

Day 16: Open My Mind to Love You

2011-10-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

I was at a women's conference a few years back, and one of the workshops was on prayer. It was so amazing. The woman leading it told us to look up when we pray and picture the ceiling of the building we're in removed, and there just up ahead before us is this huge, glorious throne on which God Himself is seated, and there are angels surrounding the throne. This is the place we enter when we pray. That was such a vivid visual for me, and I still picture it. I have to remind myself that it is real, that I am within the presence of God, and my prayers are reaching His ears.

I think this is what it means to pray continuously, to live our lives and our thoughts in this picture of the throne room. Or maybe a better way to put it is to open our minds and acknowledge Jesus' presence in everything, in every thought? What does it mean to you to "pray without ceasing"?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This upcoming week, I feel like I need to keep my 15 minute prayer goals (praying both in morning and evening). Last night, I think Jesus was speaking to me and telling me that because He has given me this particular part of my personality, I NEED to spend 15 minutes with Him every morning. It shouldn't be an option; I need Jesus in this aspect so desperately.

Oh but friends, I also want to be more aware of Jesus and prayer throughout my day. I want prayer to become an unconscious habit. THUS, I'm going to try something. This will probably involve a lot of failure, but I'll keep my eyes out for the success. :) Every top of the hour, I want to consciously remember to pray, even if just sentence prayers. I'm hoping that this will be a trigger, a reminder to send me back under the Lordship and the presence of Jesus. We'll see! :)

Dear Father,

It is so easy for me to forget You. Why is this? I need You so incredibly? Please, Lord, help me to be more conscious of You, to love You more with my mind. Thank You for listening to my chatter.

Thank You for the way You helped steady my soul in church today, that we could find a quiet place even during the service. I really needed to meet with You. Thank You for taking my worry. You are so good to me. I'm so glad to be Yours. :)

I love You, my Shield and Strength, my Protector, Father, Listener, Speaker, Friend. "More Love to Thee". In Jesus' name. Amen.

Day 15: Calling 11-99's.

2011-10-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

One thing I've learned is that there is HUGE power in praying for each other with each other. I've especially noticed it in people praying for me.

At the beginning of this school year especially, there were issues I had to work through, and I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. Several times, I asked some of my close friends at college if they could pray for me, right there, right then, out loud. They were so gracious to do that, and I can't even explain how powerful it was and how I felt so much stronger and so much better after they knocked on Heaven's throne room and interceded for me. Seriously. As they were praying I felt better.

As the school year progressed, I stopped doing that as much. The "issue" I'm working through has gotten a little easier. I didn't feel as desperate. There was one time not too long ago though where I needed it again in regard to that issue, and I pulled one of my roommates into the nearest stairwell and just asked for prayer. That was really humbling for me, to ask that she'd pray, to admit that I needed. But it was so powerful, and I felt better afterward.

There is power in calling for backup, for others to pray. For quick reinforcement in the spiritual realm.

I found this on a Police Scanner Codes website.

A highway patrolling job can be quite hazardous. One can never know what danger may be waiting out there in the byways and highways. In case an immediate back-up support is needed, a mere “11-99” radio report is all that is needed. The station will immediately dispatch reinforcement to the location.

Sometimes, I need to call for an 11-99 (and I need to let my solid, godly friends know this). I need backup. I need others to stand by me and pray hard sometimes. This is humbling, but it's POWERFUL. It communicates that we need Jesus, that we believe He can help us, and that we believe what we need help in is worth receiving help for if that makes sense. It is so powerful. I want to get better at asking for "immediate" prayer, even just for what I'm struggling with. I also want to get better at making myself ready and available for friends who are calling silent 11-99's. It's powerful.Jesus listens.

(Kudos to the camp director who tied these two ideas together for me this summer, the idea of backup prayer warriors being on call as backup police forces are for each other.)

Father?
Thank You for the way that You listen and for the way there is such power in others praying for us. Please teach me to be real, to be attentive to those who need prayer. Thank You for listening to us, for meeting us where we're at. We really do need You.

I love You, Jesus. Please deepen this love. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 14: Lightbulb Moment

2011-10-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to stay awake. Two a.m. Trying to think sequential thoughts, to pray sequential sentences.

"Danae, listen."

I'm driving. Feeling obligated to pray. So tired. Trying to make myself listen, but I'm listening to my own thoughts, not Jesus.

"Danae, listen. My thoughts won't be your thoughts."

Prayer isn't about me.

Woah!!! That's so true!

What does that mean?

(Yep! I'm thought processing on a blog! :) I guess that makes me a BLOG-PROCESSOR! Tehe! There's a reason people call me "special" . . . wink)

What is prayer about then?

It's about relationship, right?

Oh my goodness. Something's clicking!

I have a really good friend that is so kind to let me bounce things off her. She listens so sympathetically and kindly and then helps me process through things. In times past, I've felt like I've just been talking a lot, and I feel guilty. I don't want our relationship to be one-sided (and it's not, but sometimes it feels kind of like that). I never want my relationships to be one where someone's just giving to me (and as confession for that: a big reason I don't want that is because is because of my own pride). The point, however, is that I don't apply that to my relationship with Jesus. I pray like we're a One-sided relationship. I pray like He's just here to be the listener, and I think I justify it by saying that He's the stronger One. He has the "parental" role in our relationship. Wow, to be honest, I think that a reason I don't want to acknowledge my responsibility to just listen is that in so doing, I'm afraid of my needs not being met. Now THAT is lack of faith. That is sin. This is my confession.

Wow. I need to think about this more because I have a feeling that this is the beginning of unwrapping a LOT of misconceptions.

Plus, I also need to think that through. Is Prayer really about relationship? Is it about Jesus? Is it about making a difference? This is the new search. Please, I'll take all the insight I can get! In the meantime, let's keep praying!!! Keep practicing. Praise Jesus that He is patient. <3

Thank You, Father. For revelation. Please teach me. What is prayer really about?

I love You, Father. Please purify that love. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Day 13: Nothing Insignificant

2011-10-13T23:26:00.001-07:00

I finished this story this morning for my Experiential Learning class. The story revolves around something that I experienced this summer and what Jesus tried to show me about praying about everything. :) Hope it makes you grin! :)

Boats, Gravel, Rope, Prayer

My energy level was dropping quickly like the red of a thermometer on a winter evening. Falling. Dropping. Lacking. I had scratches on my arms. My mouth was getting dry. I was muddy. I was worn out and worn down physically, but I was also reaching the brink of an emotional meltdown. It was the most I could do to put one foot in front of the other, to push the boat filled with gravel as I sucked in oxygen. Breath by breath. We had to keep going. There was no other option. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep . . . moving . . .

You see, it was training week at Camp Tadmor, and it’s an annual occurrence of this
Christian summer camp to have a “Team Challenge,” an activity meant to tie staff together before the kids come. Nobody knew what we were getting into when we began this “adventure”.

This year’s team challenge involved hiking up a muddy hill until we got to this log cabin by which were two massive piles of gravel. The goal of the challenge was to pack those piles of gravel back down the hill and spread them around part of the camp’s lake. There were a few handicaps given us, however. We could only use what we found near the cabin to haul the gravel, which happened to be very old boats, a couple of shovels, buckets, and a piece of netting.

Another handicap was that we were given a massive rope which we stretched out, and the whole summer staff had to remain within the confines of this rope. No one could get ahead of the group and go in front of the rope’s beginning, nor could anyone lag behind the end of the rope. We had to stick together.

Also, a piece of incentive: we didn’t get dinner until this challenge was done.

Well, we all started strong, walking together, taking note of the thick mud, the length of the trail, the steepness in parts. Finally, we made it. We were astounded by the piles of gravel but probably even more astounded when we felt just how heavy one bucket of this stuff was. Gravel is EXTREMLY WEIGHTY! The sixty some of us brainstormed, trying to figure out the best way to get this pile of rock down the hill. We postulated and pondered for over an hour. Some of us were antsy, just wanting to get something done. Others wanted to make sure that we did it the most efficient way first, even if it took longer to figure out what that was. There was chaos.

Finally, one of the girls made a stand. “Guys, I think we need to pray.”

To be honest, I was kind of taken off guard. Pray? About something as silly as taking
gravel down a hill? At first, this seemed a little “over spiritual” to me, but as I thought about it, it made sense. We should be praying about everything. Nothing is too insignificant for prayer.

After we prayed, we took our first load down the hill. The task was brutal. We were so tired, so worn by our first load, and we had a lot more to go. The time was ticking away. Soon it was 5pm. 6pm. 7pm. 8pm. We still weren’t done. We were lagging, defeated, exhausted, and as we lay on the ground at the bottom of the hill after one of our loads, just resting, I needed to do something. “Guys? I think we need to pray one more time.” I thanked Jesus. He had answered our first prayer for strength in every other trip we’d made, now would You please give us the strength to finish the rest? And miracle of miracles, as we reached the top of the hill, we noticed that most of the remaining gravel had been removed. We just had one load left. What an unexplainable relief! On the trip down, we were allowed to use a short cut, the main road. We all survived with the realization that we had accomplished the task. Only with Jesus.

I began to learn a valuable lesson that day. We need Jesus for everything, even in
the “natural” parts of life, in the strictly physical realm. That’s why we need to be praying about everything. There is nothing too insignificant for which to knock on the throne room doors. God listens. Even to prayers about using old boats to carry gravel down a nice, muddy hill on a summer evening. Jesus knows, and He cares.

Prayer 13: Evangelism.

Oh Jesus? Please give me a passion for the lost. Give me the courage to walk into their lives . . . with You. Thank You. In Your name. Amen.

Day 12: Debriefing 15 Minutes of Prayer

2011-10-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've started this journey of prayer, and because it's so late as I type this and because I'm this far in, I kind of wanted to take some time to debrief and fill you in on how my fifteen minutes of prayer time (in morning and evening) have gone.

One thing that I've loved about setting apart that 15 minutes is that as I continue to do it, it's becoming a habit, and that's so exciting for me!!! Locking myself into a habit is such a freeing feeling. I guess that sounds weird, but it's kind of a control thing. It's saying that this activity that I'm choosing to participate in is my choice, and I've committed to doing it this amount of time so it's becoming natural and part of routine. I'm getting past the mental brick wall of doing this activity. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I encourage you to try to form a new, good habit. It's very exciting! :)

With this debrief, I really do need to be honest and say that I haven't always gotten the strict 15 minutes in daily. For instance, this morning, I had a limited amount of time, so I wanted to make a prayer walk of part of my prayer time so I could get to where I was going and pray during the same time. Yeah, I think that's called cheating. *Smile* Well, the first problem with this is that I had failed to orchestrate my morning around prayer being a priority. I don't want to be legalistic at all about this, but I want to find the balance between holding myself to the commitment and being gracious with myself. ANYWAY, another problem with this theory was that as I was walking and trying to pray (I got pretty distracted actually), I ran into people that I talked with. So, I have had times of failure in this journey, but I guess I've come to the conclusion that because I'm going to try hard not to give up, that victory oversteps the failures in between. I hope that encourages you too in whatever discipline you may be undertaking. Give yourself grace with the small failures. Count the victories. They're so important!!! :) Just not giving up on yourself is its own victory. Press on, friend!

Also, I realize that I don't always engage in very focused prayer. Some of these past few nights I've been so exhausted that I've just kind of sat in Jesus' presence. Sometimes I've just spoken out scattered thoughts, trying to talk things out. I don't feel like I've made a whole lot of progress in praying, but I am so grateful for all the practice in prayer and all the opportunities I'll continue to have, Lord willing, to practice praying! Someone once told me though that you get better at prayer by practicing, and I'm so excited that as Jesus continues to work and as I continue to commit to it, I'll learn how to do this whole thing better ('cause believe you me . . . I have such a long ways to go! haha).

It has been so special though to have times where I know I'm going to spend with Jesus. It's powerful! And He's so good to be right there with me. :)

Dear Father,

Thank You so much for meeting me each time I come to You, for putting up with my pathetic prayers. Please teach me, Jesus. Guide my mouth and my heart and my mind. Teach me oneness with You, so I really know how to pray. I love You. I'm really glad to be Your girl.

In Jesus' Name.
Amen

Prayer for Day 12: Fellowship. <3

Day 11: Praying To Stand

2011-10-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

This morning, I somewhat randomly flipped through the onion skin pages of my NIV Bible, and I landed probably right where I needed to land . . . Luke 22. Jesus knew. WOAH!!!!!! Talk about a packed chapter on prayer! I didn't read it all this morning, but there were a few things that stuck out to me in the section that I read. Because time is getting away from me, I'll just focus on one of those pieces for now.

In Luke 22.32, we see a picture of Jesus staring His disciple, His friend, His passionate Peter right through his eyes into soul. "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." I heard a speaker once on the radio share something to the effect that Jesus knew what was the most powerful thing He could do for Peter, and He did it. Jesus prayed.

Okay, there are two things that stick out to me.

First of all, JESUS prayed.

JESUS. The Son of YHWH. He prayed.

If Jesus had need to pray and/or made use of this power source, how much more need must I have to knock on the throne room doors?

Second of all, Jesus PRAYED.

My natural tendency is to neglect prayer as a source of action. I sometimes see it as a form of passivity, as option B, but Jesus used it as Option A!!!! Jesus PRAYED!!!! This screams volumes about how powerful this is!

Am I captivated and awestruck by the power of prayer?

Am I humbled and filled to know that Jesus prays for His disciples? That He stands in the gap to intercede for us?

"Christ Jesus, who died --- more than that, who was raised to life -- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us." Romans 8:34b NIV

Jesus prays for me. He prays for you. Oh goodness. I haven't unpacked this to its fullest yet, but I'm left with something to begin to chew on and meditate on. This is beautiful!

Prayer for Day 11: Protection.

Dear Father,

Thank You for letting me call You "Father." Please help me to see prayer with new eyes, YHWH, with Your eyes. Thank You, Jesus, for praying for me!!!! WOW!!!!

I'm tired tonight. I am ashamed at my weakness and laziness to serve You in times like these when I'm tired. This is wrong. Please forgive me, and help me to press through to give You all I have, even when I don't feel like it. Oh You are worthy! You are So Worthy!

I love You, Jesus! Thank You for loving me.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Day 10: Being Honest

2011-10-10T21:15:00.001-07:00

It was sweet summer, and I was tucked away among the tough, strong trees at my church's summer camp, loving life and needing Jesus. It was evening, and we had the daily campfire and Jesus stirred in my heart. In the quiet and the darkness, I stepped forward to the benches up front closest to the campfire, and the speaker's wife sat near me and held me as I cried, not understanding why the tears ran.

"Don't be afraid to be honest with Him, danae. Be honest with Jesus."

I haven't forgotten her words.

Be honest with Jesus, danae. Be honest.

This seems so obvious. Of course we should be honest before the all-knowing God, yet my natural instinct is often to shirk behind the curtains in His throne room. I know He knows me (whether I tell Him all my secrets or not), but how often do I open myself to Him? How often do I undress the deepest, most vulnerable pieces of my broken soul before Him? How often do I put words to my embarrassing situations, the shameful sins, and silly fears and give them to Him in their rawness?

How often do I tell Him when I'm angry, when I'm excited, when I'm hurting, when I don't understand what He's doing but that it hurts intensely? How often do I tell Him what I'm struggling with and let Him in to the areas of my heart where I store the deepest treasures of my dreams and the darkest depths of my fears and failure scars? Do I tell Him when I don't feel like loving Him (but want to!)? (Forgive me, Jesus. It's good for me to say that sometimes, isn't it? After all You know it anyway. Sometimes I don't.) Sometimes, I just need to be honest with myself and in so doing, be honest with Him.

One thing I'm trying to figure out as I desire to learn how to pray more is even what I should be praying about? God tells His people to pour out our hearts before God like water. One lady illustrated this idea so well by sharing a literal visualization of pouring out a pitcher of water. If we pour ourselves out, we are emptying ourselves of us. I want to do that when I pray, friends! I want to empty everything before Jesus, and I think this happens when I'm honest with Jesus, when I'm brave enough to put words to the darkness in me and the fears and the sin. Let's do it. Let's let Jesus conquer our darkness by His marvelous light. It's okay to be honest. :)

The prayer for day 10: Self-Control.

Sovereign Lord,

You are Mighty and Worthy! I am unworthy. Thank You for loving me here in my brokenness. Please, Lord, teach me to be honest and open before You. Help me to verbalize when I don't understand, to be courageous enough to put words to my feelings. You already know. Teach me what this means to be honest with You and yet to continue to show You respect as God. I don't want to forget who You are.

And Lord? Please anchor me in Your self-control. Help me to be a person who knows that the most important things are those which are unseen, and it is worth it for me to wait for these things instead of indulging in the useless trappings of earth while I'm here. Break me, Jesus. You know my heart. I worship myself. I give in to myself. You know. Oh You know. Please make me more like You.

I love You. Let me love with everything.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Oops! Sorry guys . . . I technically put down the wrong prayer for day 10. The Day 10 prayer is actually for patience. Sorry 'bout that! Maybe Jesus knew I need a lot of prayer for self-control! :) Smile. It's true . . . :)

Day 9: Idol Worship

2011-10-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

I whisper it out the window, ashamed … appalled… “The only thing that prevents me from praying more is me.”

The sparrows line the hydro wires out by the mailbox.

“It’s my own inflated sense of self-importance, the elevation of my work, of my agenda, that keeps me from prayer-communion.” I turn to face him.

“That’s called idol worship. I don’t pray enough because I’m practicing idol worship.”

- Ann Voskamp from her post found Here.

If you have a second, please take a moment to follow the link to read Ann's full post, to click on some of her links.

Ann's heart for prayer and finding those quiet places is beautiful and encouraging . . . and convicting.

Ann Voskamp points out that believing we don't have enough time to pray is a form of idol worship; it's putting our agenda and ourselves as ultimate and most important. It is neglecting our frailty and our need for only fully Jesus. I am guilty. Please check out her blog! It is so beautiful and worth reading!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Sunday, I want to set another time goal for this week. Last week, my goal was 15 minutes each morning before my first activity (class/chapel). This morning, I didn't get the full 15 minutes in. I didn't get around fast enough / wake up early enough. I hope that can encourage you in a roundabout way as it reminds you that I need so much grace and that just because I (or we) fail, doesn't mean it's over. :) So, I'll get back on my feet: It's a new week!!!! :)

The goal for this upcoming week is to again pray 15 minutes before my first morning class/chapel and then 15 minutes before I go to bed. :) This is still small, but if I can gain victory in the small, I can press onward to the bigger victories. Journey with me?

The prayer for day 9 is Love. <3

Dear Father,

Oh Father God, I could probably write pages and pages about my need for love and for the ability to actually really love people and to really, sincerely love You.

Please, teach me to love. I have names, Sovereign Lord. I have names of certain people that I struggle to love, and it's not because I don't want to love them. NOT AT ALL. It's quite the opposite. The problem is, I don't know how to love them the way You've asked me to love them. My love isn't enough. It's shallow and selfish. It is destructive, not healing. It's not what they need.

And then, YHWH, there are people I don't feel like putting in the energy to love. I am so wretched. I am dark and dirty. I'm sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me when I don't love them, when I don't love my brothers and sisters in You. Please give me the strength. Please fill me with Your love to give and Your creativity to love well.

And YHWH? How do I love You? Oh I want to be so fully devoted and passionate to love my King honestly, sincerely. When I say "I love You," I want to mean it to the deepest extent that I would do anything to prove it. ANYTHING. Please, great Teacher, teach me what it means to love You. To be FILLED and motivated with Love for You.

I really do love You, Jesus. Please expand and deepen and purify that love. Help me to say: Do whatever it takes.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Day 8: He Hears Us

2011-10-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

I have several stories of prayers Jesus has answered, but there are two particular stories I wanted to share with you! The first is the first prayer I remember God literally answering. The second is a silly answer to prayer that just spun me in circles, awestruck that God would listen to a little girl like me, praying the silly prayer I did. :)There have been a LOT of prayers that I've seen Jesus answering since then (and hopefully I'll get to share more stories later), but these were two that let my child-heart know that Jesus cares and listens . . . even to me.

The first one has to do with my violin. This story is so close to my heart, no matter how child-like it may seem.

When I was little, probably younger than fourth grade, I really, really wanted to learn how to play the violin. I wanted to learn to make it sing.

I remember going outside one day, walking around in the backyard, pouring my heart out to Jesus. I told Him I really wanted to play, that I'd play everyday if I could. Please, God? Please?

I don't know what sent me outside that day. I don't remember praying a lot outside when I was a little girl.

Well, if you move the screen forward a small matter of time, you'll see a picture of me playing in the playroom with my sister, and I hear something.

"Ssh. Briana? What's that?"

And I RACE upstairs at the sound of a violin. I figure my cousin is maybe here (he plays).

And I follow the sound, into my parents' bedroom. And there.

There, my dad is holding up a violin, trying to make some sort of noise come out of the instrument.

My eyes probably lit up like sunbeams when I found out that the violin my dad was holding would be mine to borrow from my cousin, that I would get to begin taking lessons from a lady named Marilyn.
I.Was.So.Excited.

And Jesus cared!! The God of the Impossible stepped into my life to hand me a gift. I still play violin, and I love it. It's a very special reminder that Jesus cares about me, about my dreams. He listens to my prayers.

The second prayer happened in junior high I think. Okay, a pretty funny story. During this time and into high school, I really didn't see the power of prayer. I prayed, but I didn't grasp the depth and power of it. Anyways, during junior high, I went with my choir to a music festival in Washington. Our choir stayed in a hotel room, and I remember being woken up in the night by one of the mom chaperones (not my mom by the way. wink.) snoring. Very. Loudly. And friends, I didn't know how I'd get back to sleep! And I was really concerned about getting sleep. :) Well, I remember praying in that hotel room, just asking Jesus to cause her to Stop Snoring! I was desperate.

And the funny thing was, . . . in just a little bit, the snoring stopped. Funny. Chance? Not at all. This prayer seems so silly, but it is a prayer that I look back on to remember that Jesus does listen to me, even as a young girl or a young woman.

We can pray like He's listening. Because He is.

Day 8 prayer: Self-Control.

Oh Father,

You are Sovereign Lord. Thank You for holding me in Your hands. You direct me and love me. Please keep me in Your path.

Sovereign Lord, would You please root in me a self-control. I can FAIL at this miserably, especially in my interactions with people, with stupid things like food and facebook time. Please forgive me, Lord. Holy Spirit, please put Your fruit in me, Your self-control.

Thank You for this day, Jesus. Please help me to follow You alone.

I love You. Teach me what love really is, God.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Day 7: Praying to the Sovereign Lord

2011-10-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

"And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness." (Acts 4.31)

What is this prayer that shakes places and opens us up to be filled with His Spirit?

Previously, the Bible shares with us the prayer the believers prayed. It was a prayer for boldness. There are a few interesting things that stick out to me in this passage, but one is this:

They addressed God as Sovereign Lord.

As "they lifted their voices together to God," they were coming to Him in His Sovereignty and Lordship. They were believing that He could accomplish what they asked of Him.

I'm not sure how connected that part of the prayer is in making this an earth-shaking prayer, but I think there must be great significance in how we address God in prayer and also who we believe God is when we come to Him in prayer.

When I pray, do I trust God that He has things in control?

Do I trust that He is even capable of giving me what I need and directing me?

I don't want to lose sight of the God I'm praying to when I pray. Friends, it is so easy. So easy to lose sight of YHWH, of the KING as we pray. I have this theory that needs to be tested, and it goes like this: Earth shaking prayers are prayed by warriors who know who their God is and because of this, know what to ask Him.

What do you think?

Prayer for Day 7 is Peace

Dear Father,

Thank You for Friday. Thank You, thank You, thank You. We made it. :) Oh Jesus, I have so much to do for this week. But You are Sovereign Lord. You have me in Your hands. Please give me the strength to press through.

Please give me Your peace, Jesus. Please help me to carry it with me so others can experience Your peace through Your presence in me. Sovereign Lord, please come.

I'm so glad I'm Yours.
I love You. I want to really love You, Jesus.
Amen.

Day 6: Ongoing, Deadline. Impossible. Praying Concrete.

2011-10-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of prayer journals, but one is a journal that I write down prayer requests in and try to keep record of the answers. It is SO EXCITING to read the records of how Jesus has answered. I've noticed though that it's often the more concrete, specific prayers that I see visible answers to. I think there's such value in being specific in our prayers (not being manipulative or demanding but being humble and yet bold).

Along this line of making specific, measurable requests to Jesus, I feel like there are 3 types of prayers (I'm making this up as I go. Wink). There are 1) ongoing prayers, 2) deadline prayers, and then there are the 3) impossible prayers. :)

Ongoing prayers: These are the prayers for which we need daily answers. They may seem a little more abstract, but there can eventually be seen literal answers. An example of this type of prayer would be praying for patience towards people. I will be able to see evidence of Jesus at work as I pray for this, but I will most likely never see the prayer fully answered here on earth.

Deadline prayers: These are the prayers prayed for something with a time limit, a prayer that could be witnessed to be fully answered. This is like the prayer for the job or the prayer for enough strength for that paper that needs to be turned in five days from now. Those types of prayers. They may be prayers in the moment or for future things.

Impossible prayers: Mmm. These types of prayers fascinate me the most and get me most excited. :) These are the prayers of boldness that many of us don't offer up because we either don't know all we can ask for, and/or we're scared of being wrong in asking for it. These are the prayers that people know can't be answered on a human level. These are the prayers for the salvation of the atheist neighbor, the prayer that God would heal, the prayer that God would bring in enough money to send us to Bible school or the mission trip, the prayer that Jesus would use us to bring someone to Him in the next week. (And those may not even be the boldest of prayers. There may be a higher level of boldness out there. Smile).

Well, my goal by the end of this week: Come up with 2 deadline prayers and 2 impossible prayers. :) I'll try to share at least some of them with you, so you can be witnesses! :)

PS The "ongoing prayer" for day 5 is for "Joy." :)

Dear Jesus,
Please help me to be creative in what I pray for . . . and bold. Please help me to pray in Your will, Jesus.

And may I humbly ask for Your joy? Please fill me, Jesus. Thank You that You give me all I need. Thank You for Your forgiveness toward me today. I needed it.

I love You, Jesus. (still more love, Jesus? please? help me?)
Amen.

Day 5: Deeper than Communication

2011-10-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

As I've begun this journey to try to figure out more about prayer and to grow deeper with Jesus, I feel like I'm a little stuck because I'm not even sure what questions I should be asking about prayer to take me deeper. This is a roadblock because I feel like one of the best ways to seek something out is to ask the right questions. Right answers are clues. Watch towers. They lift you up a little more to see a higher landscape and to point you to your destination.

Yesterday, I tried to ask the basic question. I asked a few people, "What is the purpose of prayer?" I pretty much got one response. People tied prayer with communication with God. As I'm typing this out, I wonder if that is only a very small portion of it.

Communication. As I typed that word the first time, something just clicked.

Communication.
Communion.
Uni-TY

Woah, woah, woah!

COMMUNION!!!!!!!!

That's IT! Oh, this is looking familiar! I think Ann Voskamp from A Holy Experience talked about this concept once.

Prayer is about Communing with God, about a soul-deep, spirit-connecting intimacy with the Almighty.

I love Revelations 3:20.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with Me."

I wonder if this is maybe what prayer is supposed to be about, about us opening the door to our hearts, letting Jesus in, and having a meal with Him, sharing life with Him, never forgetting that He is God.

Now if this really is the case, how does that change the way we pray?

For me, this type of spirit-deep prayer invites me to just be danae . . . to come my whole, broken self to Jesus and let Him come in and know me fully. It means I can find a safety in prayer, in purposefully being with Jesus, because it's just Him and me, and He knows me and wants to share life with me. Maybe we should be picturing at least one type of prayer as coming to the dinner table to meet with Jesus. To let Him fill us and feed us and let His presence change us. Maybe?

Dear Father,

Is this really Biblical? Because I don't want to just make pretty sounding answers. What is prayer, Jesus? It seems like an answer for that should be much deeper than a one word conclusion, doesn't it? Isn't there more? Please help me to ask the right questions.

Thank You for bringing me through another day. I still have a lot of homework. It's Yours. Thank You for holding me up, for knocking on our hearts.

I love You. (please, "more love to Thee")
In Jesus' name.
Amen.

PS The prayer for Day 4 was serving. My apologies for the delay for that. I was away from my list when I wrote my blog post.

The prayer for Day 5 is for blessing. I might try to talk about that later. It's such a unique prayer!

Have a wonderful day, Loved-Of-The-Lord!

Day 4: Preparing My Heart

2011-10-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

I woke up from about seven hours of sleep, tired and groggy. I showered and got ready for the day, grabbed the timer, and headed into my special stairwell for a fifteen minute meeting with the Creator of the Universe.

Silly danae.

And I struggled with focusing and staying awake. I didn't know what to pray for or how to pray.

But I think I could pull two things from this morning.

#1. I'm pretty sure that even if I am groggy and not fully awake and can't even think very clearly, Jesus is still happy to let me just sit and be still in His presence. He knows I need it, knows sometimes, I just need to be still.

#2. I should be constantly praying throughout the whole day, but when I set a specific amount of time to meet with Jesus, I don't necessarily have to let it be the first thing in the morning. I can give myself some time to wake up. ;) After all, how many times have I scheduled meetings with my friends right after I woke up? God is much more than my Friend; He's my Father, and He knows what a sleepy-headed daughter looks like, but I think it shows that I really want to learn from HIM if I can wake up a little before I meet with Him.

Just silly musings. What do you think?

Jesus?

Thank You so much for letting me just be danae in Your presence. For letting me just sit awhile with You, You loving me where I'm at. Please help me to do better at spending more quality time, at preparing my mind for those special moments that I have set aside for You and only You. Teach me to pray, Jesus. Please?

I love You (help me!).
In Jesus' name,
amen

Day 3: Praying with My Hands

2011-10-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
- Paul in Philippians 4:6-7

Friends! Jesus helped me make my first prayer goal today of 15 minutes before the first event of my day! (Every little victory counts, beloved. Count them!) I can't say I had any strong revelations today about prayer though, but I won't give up. There's way too much of a treasure store out there somewhere that will reveal the treasure and depth and power and healing of prayer. I'll keep looking. Help me?

One thing that I started doing occasionally this summer though was giving things over to Jesus with my hands and with prayer. As I pray, I start by holding my hands, palms out, right out in front of me, and I pray what's in my heart. I pray them into my hands.

Jesus, I don't know what to do about a home church this semester. Or do I? I really want to find a place like my old church, Jesus. I don't know how I'm going to do it.

And then I lift my arms to Jesus, extending my hands out, palms toward heaven, and my worries leave my hands and are placed in the hands of Jesus.

It's more than a mental picture to me. It's a physical, literal handing over because you see, if I really believe that God is who He says He is and that my temporary struggles are not what are eternally important, I can realize that He is big enough to LITERALLY take my worries. I don't need them. (And He Does Take Them!!!!)

And when I let go, He is the One in charge of orchestrating my life. I can trust Him to take me through it. I can feel it, friends. I can feel the way He takes my burdens. Now, sometimes I have to lift up the same things over and over, but if I trust Him to take care of it, I don't have to worry. Hallelujah.

I encourage you to try it, to use your hands to reach Heaven. It's true. Once we can present our prayers, petitions, thanksgiving to Jesus, His peace swoops in and diffuses with gentle force into our hearts and minds, protecting us. Protecting us from our own worry. Protecting us from losing our focus on Jesus.

How are you using your posture or your hands to pray?

PS The prayer for day 3 is for integrity. <3

Father in Heaven,
Would You please make me a woman of integrity? There are many corners, Jesus, where there are hidden places of compromise, of half-hearted devotion. You hate that, don't You? Thank You for working on me. Please let my heart be full of integrity, not just my actions. I love You, Jesus.

Thanks for being with me today. We made it. :) Through botany exam and work. You're so present, and I'm so glad, Jesus. :)Thank You so much for calling me to Yourself and to be on Your team. I'm so glad I am.

I love You. (but still not enough. help me!)

In Jesus' name,
amen. <3

Journey of Prayer: Day 2

2011-10-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

"I have so much to do that I spend several hours in prayer before I am able to do it."
John Wesley

I love that quote. I love the fact that even though it doesn't feel true, I'm pretty sure it probably is. :) And it's quite relevant to this American crazyness.

It's the beginning of the week, and my first goal on this prayer journey is to set a time goal for this first week. The goal? Spend 15 minutes each day this week before Jesus in prayer. I just spent that time tonight, but for the rest of the week, I want to set a "deadline" per day. I want to have spent that 15 minutes with Jesus before my first class each day or before chapel if that's the first thing of my day. I'm doing this because sometimes, it's really easy for me to push off prayer and not make it a priority for the moment. Plus, if I can align my day with prayer, I think I'd be aligning my day right.

Plus, that 15 minutes will give me time to ask Jesus to teach me how to pray. :) I'm going to need to be praying a lot of that prayer these 31 days. :)

15 minutes isn't much. It's not hours and hours, but it's a start. Come join me?

Do you have a prayer goal for the week? A time commitment?

PS: The prayer for day 2 is for passion.

Dear Father,

You know me. You know how I can sometimes be so passionless for anything other than myself. Ouch. You know how I worship myself. Oh Jesus. Please forgive me. Bring me lower to ask for Your forgiveness.

Help me to open my hands, so You can take and give what You will. Please give passion, Jesus. Passion to love You, to obey You, to serve You, to worship You, to pray.

Reach into my gray, Jesus. Please bring fireworks of color, of passion . . . for You.

I love You. But not enough. Please teach me to love You, Lord.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

((Picture courtesy of Reflections of Joy Photography, a photography business run by my very talented and beautiful sister, Briana. Check out her work on her Reflections of Joy Photography facebook page! She's amazing!!!))

31 Days of . . . Prayer

2011-10-01T19:31:00.000-07:00

There's this new gig happening this month among a huge crowd of Christian blogging women who are committing to writing a blog post daily for the whole month of October on a certain topic of their choice. (You can click here to find links of several women who are accepting the challenge, and some of them have AMAZING ideas!)

Well, if you know me, you may know that I'm a sucker for new resolutions (whether for a new year, new week, new month, . . . you name it!). I also love to blog, so I'm jumping on board. (I just said that, didn't I? Committed.)

My topic of choice? Prayer. After looking at some of the other topics just now, I left feeling like this seemed kind of "common" and uncreative, but the truth is, it's so very important, and I trust that this could be extremely powerful for me, so I'm taking a leap. This may be more of a journey for me than it may be for someone reading this little space o' mine, but I welcome you to follow along, asking that you would be patient and gracious with me. I'm going to need it! Smile.

I don't totally have a plan yet as to what this will look like, though I hope it will involve me sharing different ways I'm learning to pray or different methods I find to help me remember to pray, etc. I'm excited!! I feel like this has so much potential to be a tunnel into growth for me.

Also, at the end of each post, I'll try to share a characteristic that I'll be praying for in that day. I have a praying-through-the-month list inside my closet door that I received at a Women's Conference awhile back. It gives one characteristic per day for which to pray. For Day 1, the prayer is for PURITY.

Well, I humbly thank you for reading along! I'd love to hear your insights into prayer as well. Maybe we can help each other along through this. :) Have a lovely night and a wonderful October!

Dear Father,

Thank You for loving me and giving me a love for words. Would You please speak to me and teach me as I enter this prayer journey, as I type out my words here in order to find and share creative ways to search for You? Please help me to be faithful and consistent. I need Your strength, even in the little things like blogging for 31 days. Please help me.

Jesus, here I am. Thank You that You've promised to keep working on me. Please clean me out, Jesus. Make me PURE -- like You.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Thank You for Blood Red

2011-09-23T00:21:00.001-07:00

Almost all of my inner circle of friends know that occasionally, I get very blood dripping nose bleeds. Yep. Gross. The crazy, funny thing is that I get them at the most AWKWARD, CREATIVE times! Ha! :) I've gotten them in the airport when it was time to step onto the plane. I've had one in church. I get them in the shower, and in the past, I've woken up to them. I've gotten a gushing one on a date. Now THAT was funny. Definitely created a memory!! :) One I got during a convocation chapel when it was all serious, and I couldn't really get out of my chair. I got one during a New Years party. Yeah. You get the picture.

But even though they can be gross and sometimes very awkward, I'm thankful for them. They're the trigger that reminds me of Jesus. And sometimes, it's a trigger of comic relief. :)

Last week, I was sitting on a dorm room floor of one of my dear friends. I was sharing with her my grey, hard day, and she prayed, and I cried. Oh how good it feels to cry some days. And after she hugged me, and I just sat, tears falling, I wiped my nose, and . . . BLOOD!!!!!!!!! How Did You Guess?! haha :) Oh but it made me laugh. Of course. :) Of course it would come at this time. And my sweet friend was so gracious, and I hopped up and headed to the bathroom, laughing and bleeding and thankful for God's silly sense of humor. :) He is good, and I love the way He reminds me that He's here. He is. I'm so thankful of the way that He lets me cry and then lets me laugh. He is so present with us, sweet friends. And sometimes, He shows up in the funniest ways in the oddest of places, but I want to catch these moments like a little girl with a butterfly net. It's been a while since I've done a thank you post, and thanks in good part to my sister for her inspiration with her blog (http://runningtheracewithjoy.blogspot.com/ . . . worth checking out!!! Really!!!! You should do it!!), I think it's about time I counted the gifts of Jesus and said thanks.

So Jesus?

Thank You:

for the new friends I've made this year already. There are such beautiful gems going to Multnomah. (And I haven't even met 'em all yet!)

for the new job! YOU PROVIDED!!!

for skype dates with my sister and hearing she's got a plane ticket home for December and flying into an airport NEARBY!!! YES!

for the way that You totally covered all of my fears! Jesus, You've taken care of the "new's": new job, new ministry, new church. It's pretty much locked into place, yes? Hasn't always been easy, but You've answered and walked with me!

for Miss K listening to me and letting me cry (and bleed! haha), for her letting me be weak. Sometimes it just feels good to be weak and broken. To let that be okay, where you're at.

for the way my ecology teacher brought in a TURTLE! to class!!!! That was so fun.

for the way that we two laughed when he brought in that turtle as the little guy moved his little feet semi-frantically. :)

for the way that KT keeps me accountable with complaining. It's good to have a friend that will do that!

for how You give me the love and strength to love by letting go. It can be so hard, Jesus. It's a very different way for me to love but please keep filling me up with You.

for the opportunity to play Ultimate Frisbee with my home church's college group last Sunday.

for the courage and something-to-say to speak up in my World Lit class last week.

for the way Mulled Spices candles smell and how the fall leaves crunch and crinkle.

for big sunflowers. You are love.

for the way You've pointed out LIGHT to me. You are Light. Let me be a reflecting light, Jesus?

for how the elderly people clap when I play music. Kind audience.

for Bible reading homework . . . how I could finish reading 1 Samuel twice last night/this morning. :)

for sweet sisters' notes in my mailbox. for such encouraging words in my Facebook inbox. for the spoken words, the "I'm so proud of you" from Miss K. We all need encouragement.

for being present, Jesus. For being KIND and GENTLE. For meeting me in this very moment and filling me up. For teaching me how to love You (please don't stop!). Thank You for nose bleeds and all the different ways You try to get my attention. You are so wonderful, LORD. You are so Loved.

Mysterious River

2011-08-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

"Let it be said of me that I knew I wasn’t in control. Let it be said that I threw my hands in the air, took the free-fall and found my joy deep in His mysterious river." -therunamuck.com

Oh this free-falling. Jesus? Please help me to see this free-falling as adventure. You and me. Together. We got this.

I don't need to be afraid. I don't need to fear new churches, new friends, new people.

Jesus, there's so much new. New job? New ministry. New room. New year.

Snap-Crack-It!

haha

But we've got this.

You knew.

You knew before You finished shaping my lungs and my toes and my tendons that this free-falling was coming.

You knew.

You know.

You're here.

Now it's time to let go.

Mysterious river. <3 <3

I Want to Love You

2011-08-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

It's the first Monday I've been home since June 5th. It's incredible. And good . . . to be home. What. A. Summer.

Jesus propped open the door and coaxed me by the light.

To Tadmor.

And crooked danae child tried to find herself in another picture, another world.

And there were a lot of failures.

But between the cracks of cement and sin, floral victories peaked the surface and sprung in radiance.

Yet even with the victories, I still lie dying, trying to figure out how to die gracefully.

How to lay down everything.

And what does it really mean to follow You, Jesus?

You cracked my world a few days back, told me to carry my cross, to come.

Jesus, I don't even know what my cross is? Oh how resistant the soil feels. Is there any good? Can You drip the Living-Water into these cracks to make me soft for You?

To teach me what it means to love You?

And I stand at the end of the summer feeling kind of stuck. Stuck between the past of Tadmor and the present and the future of Multnomah and new church and new people. And are You asking me to step out from all of the things I leaned on? Oh Jesus, I want to be free. I want to love You. In truth.

Amen, Jesus. Amen.

Love,

Yours.

Beautifully There

2011-07-09T16:35:00.000-07:00

Oh mercy. It has been way too long since I've been able to blog. This summer wasn't what I had envisioned. Jesus knew.

There's so much to say about these past few weeks of working at Camp Tadmor as an office assistant and member of the program team. But because I need to take a nap to prep for the next two weeks, I want to just do a quick post of my journey with Jesus, how He's reminded me that even in the chaos, He is still so beautifully there.

(And you really should play this music while you read. It's beautiful. :))

Thank You, Jesus. You knew my feet hit the floor,
And I dragged the soles against the dirt
When Your finger pointed out the open door.
And I said "Yes" to Office Assistant and Program
And "Yes" to what I never knew coming,
A ragged tiredness and a frustrated spirit
In myself I'd have to fight.
And sometimes I try to say "Yes" to loneliness and
Walking out of my world.
Into a foreign one that sometimes, seems so polluted
And other times so holy.
And Jesus? It's been kinda rough.
You know.
Oh You know.
And You sent beautiful Words to remind me
Of Truth.
The last paragraph of a letter, I've read and read.
Soaking up truth.
And Jesus, You sent my Dad and Sister to visit me,
Just when I needed them, when I needed the outside world
To break into my own. God timing
And the stars bring healing.
And I was reading in Isaiah, and Mom sent a voice message
With one of the verse I had read.
You spoke to me.
You made sure I wasn't fully alone.
And You prompted her to send an email. Knew I needed prayer.
I was falling apart.
And she wrote a note, and You confirmed it.
I'm supposed to be here now.
I don't know why.
But Jesus, I love You.
And I am astounded at the ways You've loved me this week.
Even when I was such a pitiful, whimpering, whining mess.
Thanks.

Please lead me into a new week.
I can't do this alone.
Please forgive me for the times I've failed You
this week, Jesus. They were so many.
Help me to give my best.
I didn't do that this past week.
I need You, Jesus.

I love You, Friend.
I love You.

Isaacs

2011-06-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been captivated by Abraham's story.

He was an old man who talked to God like He was real.

He was an old man who felt the promise of His God swell within the womb of his wife. His child.

He was an old man who believed in God enough to grasp the knife, to hold it high above the body of his precious, only son. And he was strong enough to dig that knife into the boy's flesh, except that God's mercy kept him from killing his promise.

But he was flesh and human and real, and he wasn't prepared to kill the boy without reason. Abraham wasn't simply giving up Isaac out of a weak surrender. He was giving Isaac up, not passively, but with great faith in God's goodness, in His promise. He knew that Jehovah God could raise Isaac back (Heb 11:19), even after the blade had pierced the neck.

Abraham's act of offering Isaac would have been virtually worthless if not for Abraham's faith, His hope being placed in Almighty God's ability to make things right in the end.

And sometimes, God asks me to give up my loves, the people and plans that have become a part of me. But let me always refuse to simply give them up. Because this is no act of sacrifice. That is bitter drudgery. Rather, when He calls, let me open my hands and give, realizing that He very well could give back. But if He doesn't, it is not because this is the end, but because He sees an end story I don't know. And it will all be alright.

I will confess though, there's been one piece of my heart that God asked for awhile back. I've struggled, felt like it truly wasn't fair that He would grant a good gift and ask for it back (maybe I should have written this in present tense. ahem). That is my honest, raw heart's struggle. And especially after reading Psalms, I've come to the conclusion that it's okay to be honest with Jesus, to tell Him how I'm feeling, even that I don't understand sometimes. But, I was also reminded yesterday that there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. Ann Voskamp writes these words that tip me off into balance:

Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His heart to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father's heart. God's anger kindles hot when the essence of the complaint implies doubt in His love . . . Lament is this long learning . . . (One Thousand Gifts pg 175)

The difference is an unwavering faith, in coming to God, knowing who He is.

The difference in the sacrifice of Isaac is in unwavering faith, in offering to God, knowing who He is and what He can do.

And I find that there is so much more to this "Be still and knowing" then I ever imagined when God gripped my heart with it a year ago. In these moments of knife wielding and heart crying, I must always remember . . . to quiet myself and to know who really is God. And what that means that He is God. And this is faith and this is my lifeline and this really is the only way, the only strength to offer my Isaacs. Faith. Hope in a God of goodness.

*Picture from: http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/abraham/abraham.html*

Gray and Green

2011-06-01T13:01:00.001-07:00

The sky was gray and the fields a marvelous green, and it was late, but I still knew it would be good for me to get out and walk for awhile to my road's nearest "T" and back a few times. There were still swatches of white light filtered through the clouds. The rain holding back for then.

And sometimes, the gray and the green are perfect colors for God-with-man walks.

God, I'm so confused and tired of fighting and thinking and this feeling of being so fake and my thoughts not even sounding like me anymore. I don't know about these things, Jesus!

danae, what do you know?What have I taught you?

And I spoke it. The clouds and the green blades my witnesses. For there are things I do know.

God, You are the One who sees me, who looks after me (Hagar).

You provide. On the Mount of the LORD, it will be provided (Abraham).

YHWH, this year, You've showed me that You are strong, that You can handle my emotions.

Father, I know that You are involved in the details of my life. That YOU, Creator, Nation Mover, Powerful God, that YOU are involved in my life, involved enough to speak into my heart situations.

I know that I am wanted. You WANT me, Jesus! I don't know why, but You've showed me that this is really true.

I know that I can trust You. Trust You to change me, to get me where I need to be. I love You.

God, this year, You've taught me about the importance of being honest with others, of living in transparent community. Living life with people.

And the sky opened a little and water sprinkled against my face.
And it was Jesus, and I closed my eyes and felt Him touching me.

I'm learning that it is a beautiful thing to live life open to God. I know that He knows everything about my life, but when I try to live in Him, trying to expose myself and live naked before Him like Eve in Eden, when I try to say how I'm feeling so I'm sharing it and opening myself to Him, then I am more free. I'm open.

And when I'm open . . . He can reach down and touch me. Even if it comes in rain drops against my face.

I'm still confused about some things, but it sure helps to be open. And really, there are very important things that I am NOT confused about. These I hold on to.

Thank You so much, Jesus, for going on that walk with me. You held my hand, Most High, didn't You? You are my Healer, and I love You. Thank You for touching me.

Jesus-Centric, Bible-Middle

2011-05-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today, I visited a relatively new church in my little town. Abiding Life. There were maybe around 15 people there. I LOVED it! The Pastor led the worship and the sermon, and he said a quote based off of something Philip Yancey said that stuck. After it hit me across the head . . .

It went something along the lines of this:

People get angry at those who sin differently than they do.

Ha Ha . . Ha. Ha. Oh wait a minute!
That's what I do, isn't it?

Ouch.

I don't think I had ever heard this before, but it fit perfectly with something that I've been thinking over. My Gospel's professor at Multnomah said something I had never heard before. He said that we should never ever be more liberal than the Bible, nor should we be more conservative. We need to hit Bible-middle. This was so new to me because my mind is bent to think that being conservative is the key, or at least that if I'm going to hit an extreme, being conservative would be better. I had never really let it sink in that it could be just as wrong, that really, being too conservative is often a blinding force because it allows us to see other people's sins while our own are hidden under our conservative shield. It's easy to get angry at other people's sins . . . especially when they're not the "conservative sins" that I commit constantly without exposing them.

Praise Jesus for His grace, that I was able to hear that message. Oh how I need His washing, a cleaning of my heart and mind. The fluid of Jesus' blood spilling into and through every cell of my soul. I don't want to get caught on other people's sin. I want to be healed of my own, and in so doing, focus on the Grace of Jesus, focus on giving that Grace to others. And Truth. (Thanks, Pastor Steve, for showing me the importance of both) I want to be Jesus-centric, Bible-middle. I want to focus on the right things and be grounded in the Love of God. It's a day by day transformation when He's running the show. And He's a great Transformer. (Even a murderer can become an evangelist [[Paul]], a thief becomes a disciple [[Matthew]] . . . what could He do with us?)

I feel like this was kind of a different blog post than normal, but that quote really hit home with me. I need to do some more thinking on it. :) Thank you for taking the time to read my thought processes. I am grateful for you! Happy brand new week! May Jesus work in your life beautifully and wash us clean. He is so good to us!

I Am Rich From A Week Of Gifts

2011-05-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Oh goodness . . . it has been too long since I've blogged. I was looking through some of my blog drafts that I never got around to publishing. Maybe someday I will share them, but today, I think it's time to write a "Thanks" blog. It has been such a good week!

God of Heaven, You provide me with good things, satisfy me with Your goodness. "We are filled with the good things of Your house, of Your holy temple." Every good and perfect gift is from You, oh Father of lights. Thank You so much:

838\\ For my walk with my friend to Safeway

839\\ For the way my friend loved Gary for You, Jesus

840\\ Running in dress and flip flops with red balloons

841\\ My friend's birthday . . . celebrating your daughter, Jesus

842\\ Friend curling my hair and sun shining beautiful

843\\ Response to an e-mail, made me feel better

844\\ My Hope must be in You, Jesus. You showed me that this week.

845\\ "Pink Mist" falling from the beautiful flowering trees here

846\\ No 8am classes this past week! PTL

847\\ Friend trying to scare me and then walking with me, hanging out

848\\ Sitting long at dinner on Friday night with two friends

849\\ Working out with above friends (S and A), ending it with a walk around part of school, just talking.

850\\ Long talk with S in the A-frame, listening to her heart.

851\\ Last philosophy paper . . . Turned In!

852\\ Making paper airplanes at the school's quirky Paper Airplane Station. :)

853\\ Laughing through this week . . . felt really good.

854\\ A new sweatshirt and dress from Memorial's Free pile! ha! :)

855\\ Car ride to Dallas with friend

856\\ Mother's Day Brunch at Aunt CZ's, being with family

857\\ Cousin's gift of two books! I'm SO EXCITED!!!

858\\ Chocolate covered strawberries

859\\ Laughing at dinner with my friends about irony and orange lungs and bananas and how single people text back really fast . . . hahahaha. INSIDE JOKES! *Yes!*

860\\ That You, God, are with me . . . even in another transition time and as I get ready to leave for home. This is good for me, isn't it? Please help me though. It's kinda crazy.

861\\ You listen to me, Jesus. Thank You.

862\\ Doing Chinese Fire Drills around the Girls Dorm with Roommate :)

863\\ Picture of You putting Your face right in front of mine, Jesus, and holding my face in Your hands during chapel this week.

864\\ Unexpected facebook message from friend

865\\ Psalms 65

Thank You, Maker! You have made me rich, have filled me with Good Things. :)This really has been an overall good week. Thank You so much! "Your love is so extravagant." Thank You!!!

Oh Ants

2011-04-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

These are a few of my favorite things . . .

adult gummy vitamins
messages left on my voice mail
red finger nail polish
sunny days in pdx
powerful Good Friday services
balloons

But these pale in comparison to the things on my top favorite things list. :)

There's this song.

"Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness."
And I'm mesmerized by LIGHT.

Follow me . . . this may seem like I'm trailing, but there's purpose.

Yesterday, I was sitting on a picnic bench, and I was thinking about ants and how crazy it would be if I became an ant and came into their world and tried to save the little creatures from a destruction they couldn't see. No, wait, . . . this doesn't quite work. Imagine if I was a very intelligent biologist who studied ants. I knew everything about them in fact. Knew how they looked, how they functioned, what they liked best to eat, where they would hide when the storm came. Everything. And as the very intelligent biologist that I am, I could see that these ants were diseased, and they could only be saved by a pure ant's blood. So, being a kind intelligent biologist, I decided I'd turn myself into an ant, live their life, and let them hurt me so they could take my blood.

Please tell me you're shaking your head right now, 'cause friend, this is just plain ridiculous!!! NO WAY would I sign up to be an ant. Sorry, but I'm quite happy with my human status. Plus, that would be extremely dorky.

.....................................................................................

Yeah. Doesn't make sense to me. Doesn't make sense to me at all why an All Powerful God would put on our skin. Why He would come, dressed in common humanity (He didn't even make Himself the most physically attractive person ever --- He could have, but Isaiah says He didn't). Doesn't make sense why He would be patient with our ignorance in not understanding the power of Him being the Maker of our eyelashes and heart valves and rib cages. That He was the One in complete control through it all.

Doesn't make sense why He would care to save us. Ants. Smears and smudges on His once-perfect-world's canvas. We are darkness. We are hidden in it and immersed in it, and He stepped into our world to reach our hearts, to be our God.

In one of my classes, one student played a song sung in Korean that portrayed Jesus' coming from a different point of view, and through that, the idea stuck out to me that we must remember that God has actually, physically been here. There are physical dates attached to when He stepped foot here. There is a legitimate month and day and year when the nails split through the flesh of His hands and sent the blood spilling. There is an exact time when He breathed His last. There is a definitive moment when He left the tomb. It's legitimate history. It's our story. It's redemption and light and beauty!! It is HOPE. And every year, I wish I could understand it so much more, and every year, while I still am so far from realizing what Jesus truly did, I maybe get it just a very tiny bit more around this Easter time of year. And I'm excited. Excited to celebrate LIGHT coming into the World. Light rising from death.

Jesus winning against death, springing into our hearts as Light . . . these are on my top favorite things list. Light. Jesus. He's my favorite.

I hope you have a beautiful Resurrection Day, that You can celebrate the time when the One True, Real God literally came here. For us . . . ants compared to His greatness. Yet we were worth it to Him.

And He hasn't left us on our own. He has left us with His Spirit, with His light. And these are other things to add to my top favorite thing list . . .

Why THANK YOU!

2011-04-18T21:49:00.001-07:00

I have three minutes until I need to scoot out of here and start heading to custodial, but I was so blessed by such great things Jesus put into my day today, and I really wanted to share some of them! So, here's to an April gratitude post!

826)) Thank You, Jesus, for spring sunshine!!! OH MY WORD! I soar under it!

827)) Thank You for my minor spill today in custodial early. . . that it wasn't as bad as it could have been, that each setback is a chance for me to become a better person.

828)) Thank You for Her compliment about my laugh.

829)) Thank You that I got all the homework done I needed to for the day. Day by day. Grace by grace.

830)) Thank You for the random dude on the motorcycle who looked like he was blowing a kiss at me when he passed. It actually could have been sign-language for "thank you," and looking back, it could be very creepy, but it brought some encouragement and random sunshine into my day! haha :) Ya know, sometimes, Jesus just uses the biker dudes. :)

831)) For the humbling in Pothen's class . . . I needed to be reminded that I don't have it all together sometimes.

832)) For the jog/run with my roommate. Love her! Love exercising in sunshine!

833)) A turn signal that seems to be working now.

834)) For doing pretty good with my food intake for the day.

835)) For "Redeemer" by Sanctus Real. "I'm still a dreamer! Still a believer!!!" YES!!!

836)) For driving in sunshine.

837)) For teaching me how frail I am and we are as humans.

Oh How Good He Is.

Have a beautiful day today! Let's keep counting our blessings!!! There are DOZENS of them!!! :)

You Are Fighting For Me

2011-04-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

Cut between the fire and the forest,
Oil and water never truly collide.
It hurts to be squished between two loves.

Jesus. I whisper Your name,
Your presence has already filled the hollowness.
Come, Lord Jesus, Come.
Cup my head in Your hands, Jesus.
Keep the bad thoughts out, the lies out. Please.
Please. Please.

Rock me, Father Jehovah.
Will You please sing me the lullabies
You sang over me in her womb?
The sweet songs, I'm sure I'd remember.

You are Rushing Water,
Waves fill me and carry me.
Lullabies, Your arms, the Waves,
Carried through the middle ground,
By danger, By safety,
The intricate paradox.
The Lion is my Father.

Please set the rhythm with Your roars,
Your songs, so I know how to climb
The trees and love the fires.
My safety found in neither.
Only in Love. The Strong One.
You.
Faithful Warrior.

Gratitude for April 9th

2011-04-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's almost been a month since I've posted last. Part of that's from a restless exhaustion. Haven't had ordered words. Haven't pressed through the wall into creativity. I should try to do that this weekend, try to create beauty. Beauty helps us come alive.

Since I really don't know what I should write about and since I don't have much time, how 'bout a gratitude post? I have much to be thankful for . . . always.

Thank You, Jesus,

(( 801 )) for daffodils on my desk

(( 802 )) for sleeping in the car

(( 803 )) for the way that music can heal

(( 804 )) for the small victory, the 2.8 run/walk with Sarah!! {Thank You!}

(( 805 )) for gentle hands of others

(( 806 )) for a possible summer job

(( 807 )) for a nice-sized grant

(( 808 )) for homework done, accomplishments

(( 809 )) for canceled classes

(( 810 )) for beautiful sunshine on a peaceful friday afternoon

(( 811 )) for not having to go anywhere

(( 812 )) for using me to love

(( 813 )) for shutting doors

(( 814 )) for letting me struggle through some things

(( 815 )) for a car that works

(( 816 )) for air swishing through my lungs

(( 817 )) for days when I'm really not altogether (maybe it helps others feel more comfortable)

(( 818 )) for messed up cupcakes

(( 819 )) for an on-campus job

(( 820 )) for sleeping in. delicious.

(( 821 )) for convicting me

(( 822 )) for times You grow my patience

(( 823 )) for the glimpses of hope in dad's health

(( 824 )) for dreams

(( 825 )) for stretching my mind

You never give up. Thanks. :)

Why I Love Sundays . . .

2011-03-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

. . . Or At Least Reasons Why I've Loved This One

Today is an anniversary. The one year mark after hearing "the news" that broke my heart. It was a Saturday evening, a March 13, 2010. I think it was sunny. Maybe cold. And today holds remnants of subconscious sadness, but even in the crux of the chaos of a day past, it has been a wonderful day. Why this day was great? Well . . . here's some of the quick reasons (after all, it's 11pm).

* Nails painted "Burgundy Frost"
* The sound of classical music playing in sweet harmony with the rain
* The feeling of being cleaned by Jesus, of being turned on His wheel
* Lacy gray blouse . . . love being a girl
* Finishing up homework . . . God answering my prayer for productivity
* Pizza and laughter with college group
* Sunday afternoon nap and taking time to read a chapter by Jamie Langston Turner
* Roger and Josiah sitting on either side of me in church . . . a good feeling to be sandwiched in at church
* My gray, warm sweater and putting my hair back as I listen to solo piano from pandora and "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and co. Mmm.
* Dove chocolate, popcorn, and fruit snacks. Add peanut butter, fruit, corn chips. Mackenzie U would call that "snackage"
* Drinking lots of water, purification ya might call that :)
* Hurting for Japan.
* Laughing outloud to a silly youtube clip
* That I'm Jesus' whether I feel it or not, and friend? It makes all the difference in the world.

Happy New Week! :) May we rejoice in Jesus, in the chance to simply be . . . His.

A Prayer for Japan

2011-03-11T13:44:00.000-08:00

I scanned the recently added blog posts that have been written by the bloggers I follow. I figured I'd see the most recent posts focusing on Japan but nothing yet, so I will write. My heart is heavy for them. For the beautiful people. They're PEOPLE just like ME. I forget that sometimes. I'll be honest and broken. Sometimes, I don't let it sink in that people in other cultures from my own are . . . people. They're humans with thoughts in their heads, with feelings in their hearts. Forgive me, God! Forgive me!

And these are PEOPLE that are dying RIGHT NOW. Oh God of Heaven, please HEAR their LITERAL CRIES. Reach out Your God-hands to the dying, Jesus. There are probably kids right now who are shuffled under debris, and it's only a matter of hours until they will die. You SEE them, Jesus. Please, please, please be near to them now. Send rescuers. Send Love. We need You, Jesus. Oh how we need You. They're my family, God. Some of them, and those that aren't, oh Jesus . . . You know where they go if they don't see You now. Jesus, send VISIONS, send Your name! Please, please fight for these people!

I love You, Lord. I know You are strong. I know You are like a Warrior. I know You are POWERFUL and Certain and Intentional and Compassionate. Slow to Anger. Abounding in Love. Come, Lord Jesus. Come.

Stronger Arms Than These

2011-02-27T16:11:00.000-08:00

Pulled, stitched inside, thread being tugged, yanked.
Stretched . . . and no door out.
Chaos. The throbbing beat of the base.

It's student ministry and homework
And summer job and paying for school.
It's knowing what part this one plays
And what part they play
And was this all a bunch of lies?
Distractions?

And I'm not going to be strong enough this time.
I will fall . . . hands unclenched.
Falling, falling . . .
Into stronger arms than these.
Jesus.

The pros wouldn't call this poetry. I don't really either, but I write this with a lot on my heart today. Part of it's generated by tiredness and other things. I feel very torn and just tired from a lot of what's going on, but I am so grateful that I know. I can let go. Jesus has me. My strength isn't what keeps me up. No. It's JESUS, and I'm nestled in His wings!!! Safe. Alleluia!!! So are you, beautiful friends! He sees beyond us and loves us. May You dance this week "Wrapped in [His] Arms."

Catch Me

2011-02-25T00:23:00.000-08:00

The snow, billows of cloud on earth,
The white clean.

I want to be this, Jesus.
So clean, so white.

But sometimes, I choose away from You.
I picture myself,
Running after things You've taken away,
Crying and running for those empty familiars,
When Your Father hands are behind me,
Reaching for me.

When I was young, pounding up the stairs,
My dad would chase me,
And I would laugh and squeal,
Making sure never to get caught.
The butterflies and excitement swirled
In my stomach as I ran.
Sometimes, I still feel those feelings.

I like to be chased,
To be pursued,
And maybe, . . . though I might not admit it,
I like to be caught sometimes.

And Jesus, You're running after this laughing child.
Please catch me.

But sometimes, I don't run in fun.
I run in foolishness and crooked fear.
Please still catch me.
Please don't let me get away.

I don't think I meet the expectations.
Will You still run? Please, please catch me?

Will You catch and clean a beggar child?
Your little vagabond?

((Oh danae, you make this sound beautiful,
But sometimes, it's dirty.))

Cleaning hurts.
Please still do it.
Washing sometimes means scrubbing, sometimes means
Walking away from the mud puddles.
Please still wash me.

Please run after me, Jesus.
And will You even do this?
Catch me?

Clay

2011-02-23T18:59:00.000-08:00

Spinning, spinning, spinning.
I close my eyes to feel the motion,
Spinning, spinning, spinning.
I rock back and forth,
Rocking into it, and around.

Oh Daddy, Your hands hurt me sometimes,
You hollow me out,
But it doesn't feel like hollowing.
It feels like You're making me empty.
The void makes me feel weak,
And I want to cave in . . .
The walls thin.

Spinning, spinning, spinning.
You mold me with the tips of Your fingers,
The palm of Your hand smooths the edges,
And sometimes, Daddy,
It really hurts.
And I get so tired.
So tired and my heart sinks under
The weight of it.

But I'll try, Jesus. I'll
try to stay on this wheel . . .
Please don't stop.
Help me to go through the processes . . .
I'm learning it's okay.
Thank You for loving me along.
For peace. Silence.

I love You.

Yours.

On To Twenty!!!

2011-02-20T21:34:00.000-08:00

I have officially lived nineteen years on planet earth, and now, each day I'm living from now until February 19, 2012 is living through my twentieth year. Woo Hoo!!!

SO, I wanted to be creative and take pictures throughout my birthday to remember the good things that happened, but that would require a happy mix between danae and a camera, and for some reason, those two aren't a very faithful pair. SO, instead of taking many pictures ON my birthday, I took a couple today to remember what I did. SO, here goes . . .

A highlight of my birthday was going with two of my dear friends, Clarissa and Brigitte, to a Matthew West concert with Josh Wilson as the special guest. I'll be honest, it wasn't exactly what I expected from Matthew West, but I definitely LOVED Josh Wilson. His song to his wife was great . . . I hope it's on youtube soon! :)I also really liked Matthew West's song "To Me." He wrote it for a middle schooler, and it's a beautiful song of God's beautiful love for His kids. He sees in us what others can't see, and I wonder if Matthew's right, if He sometimes wishes that others could see in us what He sees?

After the concert, us girls headed to YoCream with our Christian music up loud and Brigitte singing her lungs out through the open window and us chowing down on some sugar cookies one of my friends sent me for my birthday. :) It was fun to just be crazy, God-loving girls. :)

Okay, so I have this beautiful friend named Chris, and he blessed me so much by bringing me fun gifts for my birthday. One of those gifts was a pack of bottled Root Beer!! Mmmm! SO GOOD! :) So we just sat downstairs in the lower lounge at school and sipped on root beer and ate the cake he brought as well and just talked. It was so, so kind of him to go out of his way to make me feel special. Meant a lot!

Besides the root beer, he also had this BEAUTIFUL cake made!! Ah, this picture doesn't do it justice. It's a small cake that's the PERFECT size, and it's so yummy! Chocolate ERUPTION is the name. Is that not great?! :) Thank you, Chris!!! That was so fun. :) I wasn't sure I'd have cake on my birthday, but I did! :)

Among these, I got phone calls from family and my roommate, it was a beautifully sunny day, I got to spend some time in the prayer chapel, some sweet people told me "Happy Birthday," plus . . . I'm now 19, and I like that number.

Well, thank you for reading! I hope that you have a lovely week, that you can live it in Authentic Community as I heard about in church today. :) Bye for now!! :)

Nineteen

2011-02-19T00:59:00.000-08:00

Clock is fulfilling its pattern . . . the tick. tick. tick. And soon, nineteen years will have been ticked away.

Nineteen YEARS!!!!

So this may be my last post before the eighteen year old danae goes to sleep and never wakes up, but instead, a nineteen year old may stir at the sound of a noisy alarm clock. :)

What a year. Eighteen. What good things and sad things and sunshine and snow.

And now we are on to something different. Something new. Nineteen.

I'm excited for something new.

You?

And I come into it asking one thing.

Jesus? Please help me. Let Your Spirit fill me and Your power change me. I am Yours.

Love,
danae, simply His

Open to Seeing

2011-02-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

My the days have been lived. I feel like a child sometimes, sitting in a train and peering out the window, watching my life pass by as if I were only a bystander. But I'm not. I'm in it. Struggling through it. Rejoicing in it. As I blog though, it gives me a chance to just sit back in the train and look out the window, to try to understand it more as I distance myself and let the words run through the fingertips.

Life has been hard lately. Truth. But there have definitely been jewels hidden in my path that glint golden and cause me stop and bend to earth, only to find that I'm looking at gifts from a good Father, only to find that my eyes turn upward and into a familiarly good Face. Here's an update, a counting of these jewels . . .

801. A stranger telling me "Good Morning" here in the library.

802. Pages of Bible . . . holding the Word in my hand and being able to read His words over and over and over.

803. Birthday package from my friend, filled with yummy, sweet goodies.

804. Talking with a professor yesterday, hearing his story and how in some ways, part of it really mirrors mine.

805. Talking with my Brother T on the phone and him praying for me, encouraging me. It's so nice to have big Brothers! :)

806. The anonymous comment left for me on my blog . . . from Jehovah. Wow. Meant so much to me.

807. Snowflakes falling unexpectedly this morning.

808. God's power and our access to it through prayer.

809. Him sharing what he will tell "his kids" about relationships. Oh friend, you have grown so much, are strong.

810. Simply being able to be around people and study . . . nice thing to be surrounded by family, by Jesus in others.

811. "Busy Work" . . . getting assignments done.

812. Flowers from my dad for Valentine's day.

813. A letter and gifts from Friend for V-Day . . . words. Read and reread words.

814. Hugs from my sister when I went back home for awhile.

815. Mom's delicious birthday meal that she made for me.

816. Sweet friend from church, her sweet hug and love and the gift of the angel. Oh how God loves us through others!

817. Being able to move and exercise while I read for homework.

818. Being able to share that I struggled in College Group. Freedom in release, in honesty.

819. Being encouraged by Caleb and Joshua's story in college group . . . fear verses faith.

820. Chapel on Monday and hearing a couple's passion for Jesus, for bringing His presence with them . . . encouraging.

I'm danae. I'm the child of God. My Father Yeshua puts up with a lot when it comes to me. I struggle with Him, trying to hold on to what He has asked me to let go, yet He doesn't leave. Doesn't forsake. I am still His, and He holds me against Him. He scatters His gifts along my path to remind me I am not alone, to remind me that I am loved, that there is HOPE and BEAUTY here. Sometimes we just have to keep our eyes open to it, open to seeing. Open to the gifts . . .

Letting Love

2011-02-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this post with pinkish-red fingernail polish, listening to Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning." I thought that song would maybe neatly label 2010, . . . but it's coming into this year too. As I listen to it though, I don't feel the hopelessness I felt last year. Yeah, there's definitely sadness and pain but a promise. Of morning.

As I came to sit down and type though, I wasn't planning on typing on fingernail polish or Josh Wilson songs though. I came with an intent on staining my thoughts onto a blog post, thoughts about . . . enemies.

One of the favorite sermons I remember hearing from my pastor back home was on Nehemiah, and one of his points was simple BUT SO PROFOUND.

Know Your Enemy.

I walked into a weekend confused. So confused. I tried to remember this point though.

Know Your Enemy.

My enemies . . .

anger.

bitterness.

fear.

disobedience.

Satan.

My enemies are not the ones who hurt me (whether intentionally or not). My enemy is the Evil One who wants to destroy me. My enemy is the sin in myself. It's an anger and bitterness that wants to control and kill me. It's the lies that want to destroy me.

I wonder how many arguments, how much anger could be squashed if I remembered who the real enemy is. People? No. Evil? Satan? YES!!!

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 NIV
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete."

Let's fight, friends! But let's fight the right enemies. Let's know who they are, and when we know, we can fight them, letting bitterness fall and crack and die. Letting love swish through and heal again . . .

It Will Be Okay

2011-02-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

I wonder how many times it took David to write his Psalms. Or does the Word of God simply flow from God's heart, to His people's pens, to the papyrus pages? And I wonder how many times I would have to draft a psalm right now. I'm afraid that a real honest Psalm would be full of jagged pieces and raw wounds, bleeding, waiting to be healed. I've cried before plenty of times, but to truly lose someone in a certain way, this is a grief I had never experienced before. I don't know how to handle the cresting waves but to give in to the rise and fall and lean on a friend when they hit their downward undulation. I don't know how to let Jesus in, except by the sentence prayers, the few words, the wheezing, gasping breaths of "save me," "i need You," "help me," "not sure how I'm gonna do it this time, Lord." I haven't been praying these often. Sometimes I forget that the small prayers are important prayers. Resolution: Pray these prayers. Starting now.

I asked one of my good friends who has been holding me up, letting me walk straight through it, to feel it, I asked her to give me a number between 1 and 160. "57" took me to the fifty-seventh Psalm. Words.

verse 1 -3 NIV

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
for in You my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings
until the disaster has passed.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who fulfills His purpose for me.
He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me; Selah
God sends His love and His faithfulness."

And these words . . . I don't feel very steadfast. I'm trying. To be steadfast on Him.

verse 7
"My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music."

I wonder if David was trying to convince himself, to make the statement and live it. This is my choice: Steadfastness. Trying to worship through it. It isn't easy.

"Do you want me to give you another number?"

"Sure"

"113"

Psalm 113 verse 3

"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised."

The sun rose and peaked glorious. Now, it's time for it to set. Oh is this hard. Sheesh . . . I had no idea. This process widens my heart with a deeper understanding for those hurting. That fact doesn't make it easier. This still stinks.

But threaded through . . . "His Love endures forever."

"Help me, Jesus."

Verses 7-8

"He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
He sets them with princes,
with the princes of their people."

He is a good Father. I am so grateful that He is strong, that He's been strong enough to hold my questions, strong enough that I can trust that He will love me even when I don't feel "Christian" through the pain. He is my Security. Ah, I gravitate toward security. And while I can't find it fully here on this dusty earth, I can find it in One who never leaves. A Heavenly Father.

And to you, dear friend, if you ever happen to revisit this page again, please know that I care so much, that you shouldn't be sorry for causing the pain. You didn't cause it. It's not really anyone's fault. Sometimes, pain's just the way God has to love His kids. We'll get it someday. For now, we walk through it, sometimes stumbling, sometimes crying, screaming but still walking. Through it. Not around it. Not behind it. Through it. Someday, we'll get it.

It will be okay.

Eight Hundred Gifts

2011-02-02T09:36:00.000-08:00

I whisper the sentence a few times in most every deep prayer.

"I am unworthy, I am unworthy, I am unworthy."

It's remembering the dust from which You have called me and dreamed me. There is no sufficient reason for grace.

But I sit in Your presence and let it work in me and fill me and change me.

Let me always turn to say "Thank You." Not once, not twice, but a thousand times a thousand times. Here's a continuation of a list I started probably over a year ago. I'm on a journey to record a 1000 things of gratefulness.

786. The blue, cloudless sky on a winter day . . . to step into sunlight.

787. That I am surrounded by good friends, north stars pointing me in His direction.

788. That Jesus sent me a sweet friend to just be there when I needed someone so much to just be there Monday night.

789. Moments of stillness, opportunities to soak in His presence. To be redeemed.

790. The way that I could survive and be alert with only 4 hours of sleep on Monday (and no naps! *smile*). God gives strength.

791. For another friend being there to give me a hug, to pray for me, and to share her heart and struggles. Beauty is in the being real. Honest.

792. Chocolate milk. Mmm. :)

793. The different shades of blue as the sun set in city.

794. That I can trust the Lord because He loves me, because He sees a picture I can't see. I can fall in His arms.

795. For a full gas tank. That I have money to fill it right now.

796. Being able to go home this past weekend with good friend, being able to share a piece of me.

797. Ann Voskamp's quote

"Poor communication doesn’t disconnect souls. It’s the disconnected souls who poorly communicate. I am learning.

Words may only magnify the fractures."

798. The Living Word of God. 2nd Corinthians.

799. That God is showing me how much I need Him. That He must be King.

800. "Reign in Us" by Starfield.

Let me lie on Your palace floor, Lord. I'm not worthy to stand in Your presence, yet You let me in and love me. You change me and move me here. Alleluia! I love You. Break me to surrender.

Pearls

2011-02-01T22:30:00.001-08:00

I am hungry.
My mind sneaks into thoughts of taco time and smells meat cooking and
Ashamed.
You are what I really want.
I don't always think to think this.
Do You know?

Sometimes, I think I want other things.
Like snap-quick fulfillments,
Desires dunked in sugar and served in seconds.

And then the pangs set in.
The emptiness playing songs in my stomach.
This is what you think you need to survive.
There is so much more.

Jesus.
You are all.
You teach me in the giving.
And as I give,
You lace a string of pearls in my palm.
Undeserved.
Not asked for.
You teach me what I really need.
Love.

To Catch Your Answer

2011-01-18T17:34:00.000-08:00

Oh Lord, will You remain silent?
I need Your mercy like my first waking breath,
And I sputter and cough without it.
Maybe the answer was right.
Yet the heart refused to open enough
To catch Your answer.

Like my first waking breath,
I need You.
You are my Father.
You've promised to never leave, never forsake. me.
You've told me You discipline Your children.
We are not cast away from You forever.

Sputter and cough without it,
That. The grace. Without the peace.
And it is beginning to come.
The Love that banishes the fear.
Away, away, and breathe in sweet, true love.

Maybe the answer was right.
And fear barricaded hope.
Maybe the answer now is Trust Me.
Oh Jesus, let me fall in Your arms.
Trusting.

To open enough,
To receive a second chance.
Redemption.
Promise.
"Yes" and "Amen" . . . Let it be so.

To catch Your answer,
This is enough.
To glorify Your name.
This is enough.
To rise above failure
Because I truly am unworthy.
The facts remain.
Your grace is stronger.

And as these words have spilled,
I am more free.
The questions are not fully answered,
But the questions are sifting and setting.
And that which remains amongst burnt rubble:
Trust. Ransom. Forgiveness.

Twenty Eleven

2011-01-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

Twenty Eleven.

The year is new and shines fresh and promising. By the end of the year, I'm sure things will be different. The year will possibly end with chips and dents in it, maybe a couple of scratches, but that's okay. I hope for nothing less because I want to LIVE this year.

And twenty eleven begins with a promise. With hundreds of promises actually. From the King of all. And there's been one particular promise that He has shown me, that has been speaking to me, lifting me up and giving me courage within the past few months. I figure it would be a pretty good way to start out a new year.

Philippians 1:6 NLT
"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

I don't remember when it was this past year that this verse really popped out at me, but it has blessed me so much and excites me! I've heard it for so long, but it didn't really change me until these past few months.

You see, when I read this verse, this is what I get. When God saved me, He began a good work in me, started working in my heart, in my life, and this verse to me is a promise that HE WON'T GIVE UP ON ME! It means that He's not just going to put down His work in me. Rather, I can be CONFIDENT that He will change my heart and keep making me like Him so that I WON'T be the same this time next year. I won't be the same a month from now. He'll keep working until the work is finished.

This verse also really helped calm a fear I was struggling with. You see, there's this particular prayer request that's been on my mind fairly often, and I've been kind of worried that I wouldn't really listen to the answer, that I'd choose against God's heart. And then Jesus brings Philippians into my heart. Jesus has the power to change my heart and my desires and my mind. He'll give me enough strength to make the right decision if He is my choice. Granted, that's no promise that it will be easy if I am asked to give up what I want to hold on to, but it reminds me that Jesus will keep working on me and will give me the tools to answer Him with a "Yes, Lord." We're still on His Potter's Wheel, friends! Mmm . . . a good thing!

I walk into this year with promise. That Jesus has plans to change me, work in me in 2011. I am excited for this!

I walk into this year with communion, with the reminder that His blood has cleaned me new, that I am no longer just danae but HIS.

I walk into this year with excitement for the adventures and memories ahead. There are so many possibilities for this year. Possibilities for deeper friendships and learning more about Jesus and maybe gaining direction for my life.

I walk into this year with resolutions. Well, I'm still working on them. I still have some thinking to do, but Pastor Phil reminded us this Sunday that where there is no vision, the peoples perish. We must have goals. We must be reaching for something, or we will never grow. The prayer is courage, that we will be brave enough to set BIG goals, SCARY goals because He is a BIG God, and He wants to take us farther than we think we can go. It's ADVENTURE! You ready? I'll go with you! Let's RUN!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV

"Before the Morning": One Last Post for 2010

2010-12-31T20:58:00.000-08:00

Two-Thousand-And-Ten. What a year this has been, and as the last day of December slips away, I stay true to my tradition of reflecting on this past year. :) I read through most of my past 2010 journal entries and blog posts. Wow! What a year!

Since I'm a stubborn-list-writer, here were some of the highlights:

>> Growing close to friends from high school . . . such a blessing.

>> 18th birthday and for all the sweet friends who surprised me with cupcakes and words and receiving Sara Beth Geoghegan's signed CD from Bri among many other things. :)

>> Going to MEXICO for a Missions Trip!!! Good memories <3

>> Having a Cream Cheese war with Briana while making Mom's birthday cheesecake. Oh yes. :)

>> Meeting Sara Reeves at Acquire the Fire.

>> Senior trip! Growing closer to my classmates, laughing, sharing memories and encouragement. Good times.

>> Graduation and Open House! Such a fun time.

>> Being a camp counselor! Miss it and my girls! Hope to go back next year!!! :)

>> The blessing of scholarships, of hearing directly from my admissions counselor when I got bumped up to an unexpected scholarship. GRACE.

>> Making paper airplanes with special needs kids at school Mom takes her patient to.

>> Going to Iowa for family reunion.

>> Older man joining me at Grandma Z's doc appointment, putting a puzzle together with me. Being a friend. :)

>> Making S'mores over the stove for first time with friends from Iowa. :)

>> Catching 4 fish at Clear Lake with family. :)

>> Receiving red roses from my prayer sis from Jesus. :)

>> BEGINNING COLLEGE AT MULTNOMAH!!! :)

>> Finding a church home, Burlingame! After the 2nd church visit too! Such a blessing!!

>> Conquering a rock wall and a HUGE, SCARY SWING at Wildhorse with friend. Some more fears killed. :)

>> Laying under the beautiful stars at Wildhorse with one of my best friends, sharing stories and questions for Jesus.

>> Started work at Glenfair Elementary School, working with kiddos, listening to them read.

>> Mom, Dad, and Sister surprising me by coming to my church one Sunday!!! (One of my favorite memories of this year)

>> Coming home and having chocolate ice cream with my Grandma and Grandpa. Such a special, sweet time. :)

>> Going to the Art Museum with one of my good friends.

>> Eating and talking with friend and listening to his testimony at Catacombs. (Definitely another big highlight of year)

>> Fall Banquet! :) And finding the car LOCKED in the parking garage and Shari's hot chocolate and talking late. Such good times. ADVENTURES! haha :)

>> Bowling with College Group, aka COLLIDE.

>> Donating blood. :) And passing out for the first time ever! :) haha

>> A sweet, older friend at church, her kind words to me. LOVE HER!

What a year. :) And those were only some of the major things. You see, life is like a package. There are big items in the cardboard box, and then there are the packing peanuts. However, each peanut is significant. It's when we can be grateful for the packing peanuts, the little, special events in our life that most would let go unnoticed, THESE are what make life special, like all the times I've laughed with my roommate and friend, when a waitress at Shari's gave a fellow classmate and me a free 1/2 a cinnamon roll because we weren't eating with the rest of our class, like all the long letters from my friend Kayla, from the packages in the mail, for every day when it was sunny when it could have rained. I don't want to stop looking for beauty. In fact, I want to do so much better in 2011.

This was also a year of music. Here are some of the top songs that I played on YouTube:

"Times" (Tenth Avenue North), "Something Beautiful" (NEEDTOBREATHE), "Nearer" (Merideth Andrews), "You Can Have Me" (Sidewalk Prophets), "Beautiful Ending" (BarlowGirl), "Before the Morning" (Josh Wilson), "Everything Falls" (Fe), "Lemonade" (Chris Rice), "Falling Slowly" (Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova), "Beautiful Things" (Gungor), "God of the Impossible" (Sara Reeves), "Restless" & "Ought to Be" (Audrey Assad) and many Sara Grove (and other Chris Rice) songs.

"Before the Morning" probably sums up the year best. This was a year of a lot of pain. Things fell apart in ways I would have never imagined. Relationships broke, hearts cracked, and some of us are still trying to figure things out. But morning has begun to come. I see it. I see the shafts, the sunlight and think I maybe hear the last refrain of the music of the dark. Precious grace and goodness of God. We can be free.

I also hope to think that I've learned a little more since this time last year. Well, I'm hoping. :)

I've learned/was reminded that Jesus is powerful and strong enough to change our hearts, to give us the strength and grace to make the right decisions when He is our choice.

I've learned that I can't let the fear of pain keep me from being involved with other people's lives. I've learned about community and how people are so important and how we need to really spend time with each other.

I've learned that we're all from the same clay, just God's kids, that we won't be perfect, but His love is so strong and reaches far beyond our performance.

I've been reminded of the importance of just being still and knowing who is God. (HE is!)

I have been shown in such more vivid ways that Jesus is so REAL, that if He would come to America in our human skin, I'd probably see Him in jeans and a nice shirt . . . He'd look like us because He is REAL and came here in our skin. Jesus is relevant!

Jesus is a firm foundation and a strong refuge. I can be safe in Him.

I am unaware of the least of His intentions for me. I can only see so much.

I've learned to trust more fully (okay, I'm trying to learn this!), I've learned to let go of some of my expectations, to try to accept life with hands more open.

I've been shown that there are four major steps to victory from Pastor Phil: "buy into the vision, know your enemy, pray & keep watch, and know your source of strength."

I'm trying to learn.

I made a whole lot of mistakes this year, but God is redeeming, healing, teaching, correcting, disciplining, loving. I'm so excited that He's not done with me, with this piece of stubborn clay. I'm still on His potter's wheel. Oh how grateful I am for this!

Well, because this blog post is already crazy long, I think I'll wait and spend time thinking about what I hope to see in 2011, but for now, as I continue to think about 2010, I want to glorify the Lord and thank Him. Oh friends, He has brought me through such crazy, good, horrible things. He is my best Friend and all that I need, and I am safe in Him. I want to end this with part of the lyrics from a song that's currently playing on Pandora, . . . "Amazed" (sung by Philips, Craig, and Dean).

"You dance over me,
While I am unaware.
You sing all around,
But I never hear the sound.

Lord, I'm amazed by You . . .
How You love me.

You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For you hold me in your hand,

Lord, I'm amazed by You . . .
How You love me."

He is holding us in His hands, friends! Through the last hours of 2010, into a New Year. It is good to be His. <3

Happy New Year!!!!!!!! :)

To Be Free

2010-12-28T00:03:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure when I became a Sara Groves fan, but now, she receives credit for being the subject of most of my YouTube visits. (Though, as a side note, Chris Rice has been a fierce competitor. *smile*) Just a few minutes ago, I was listening to her song, "Different Kinds of Happy." I'm stuck on one line.

I'm not holding on to anything I'm not willing to let go, To be free.

free.

I think I can say that I am most free when I am most open. I really think the idea of freedom and openness can really go together. I am free when the senseless clutter of my life, when the bitterness, the sin, the pointless distractions, are out of my life. I am free when the doors and windows of my heart are open so God's Spirit can come in and cleanse me, so He can move me. I'm free when there is nothing I'm unwilling to give up, when my hands are outstretched, palms up, open. To hold or to give. Open.

This freedom that Sara talks about is what I desire, what I pray for this early morning . . . that I hold on to NOTHING that I'd be unwilling to let go of . . . to be free.

Audrey Assad - Show Me (Slideshow With Lyrics)

2010-12-15T21:50:00.000-08:00

ROCK

2010-12-11T22:57:00.000-08:00

"On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All Other Ground
is
Sinking Sand."

Anchor me, Jesus! I will crumple if I'm on the sand. My heart shatters on the sand. My mind breaks on the sand. And tears come quick. No. I need to be brave and strong right now. Only on You, Jesus. Only in You.
Solid Rock.
I stand on You.

"Thanks Is the Only Way to Breathe"

2010-11-22T09:18:00.000-08:00

And some days, I wake up with a feeling of emptiness. This rare yucky-morning-feeling doesn't happen too often mind you, and it's probably in all honesty tied to the fact that I sometimes snooze my alarm way too much and don't quite sleep enough some nights. And then Jesus picks me up on eagles wings as I'm falling and reminds me of this:

"and there it is, the writing on the wall, the memo every Monday morning needs — that grace is everywhere and joy’s possible even here and thanks is the only way to breathe."

Thank you, Ann Voskamp, for those words!

I was told that the best attitude is gratitude. Such a good thing. So to You, Jesus, . . . thank You.

771. Thank You, Jesus, for laughing hard with roommate and good friend. Healing and strength-giving.

772. for Snowflakes

773. How quickly the frost came off my windows yesterday morning.

774. Hugs from some of the older women at my church.

775. One lady teasing me after I completely didn't recognize her the day before. Her grace and laugh and kind hug.

776. Being able to learn SO MUCH about the Pentateuch right now for my class. LOVE IT!

777. People's stories

778. Jesus' rest, His call to come to Him, those of us who are so weary and burdened.

779. That I could lift weights this morning, make breakfast, and make it to class on time. YES! :) [thanks]

780. The easy quiz in Pentateuch!! YES!

781. That Jesus is faithful to finish what He's begun in me. I can trust Him with this.

782. Church work parties

783. Daily bread

784. An organized closet shelf

785. A firm foundation. Jesus.

Beautiful Gifts, Love

2010-11-18T19:56:00.001-08:00

For a long time, every Monday, I tried to be faithful to continue a gratitude list on this blog of the gifts God had placed in my life, a list to number 1000 at the end as inspired by Ann Voskamp. After I made it to college though, I began to slack off on that. Part of that was because the whole exercise was becoming a little too routine. Part of it was time constraint. So on, so forth. Well today, there were several things that really stuck out to me that I wanted to type down. So here's to reflections of the day and the past few weeks, to Jesus being so good, to the reminder that gratitude is a very important character quality (which I need to cultivate in a much deeper level). So here goes. I left off at 755. So . . .

756. Getting a side hug from Professor Kopp today. Hugs are good things. People caring feels so good.

757. Needing Jesus only. Or overall. He has designed me to need others I believe, but my soul-need is Him. And He is constant. I am safe.

758. Three compliments today on outfit or how I looked.

759. John asking me how I was doing and then asking why I was good. And I had to think about it and come up with an answer. Ah it blessed me so much that he cared to know deeper. Meant a lot.

760. There's this lady in my Adult Sunday School class that is so sweet to me. One morning she told me she had been praying for me that morning. Such a blessing.

761. Finding just the right black shoes for fall banquet at such a GOOD price at such a GOOD time the day OF Fall Banquet. Jesus takes care of me . . . even with the little things.

762. Desani, one of the beautiful little guys I work with at an elementary school, him smiling, progressing, melting a little under love.

763. That Jesus helped me through giving blood, conquering fear.

764. Laughing hard with my roommate Bethany and with friend, Clarissa, and just laughing with silly friends at dinner.

765. Phil, this middle aged guy who drew my blood, teasing me and making me laugh through the process and then taking the squeezer thing from me so I could hold his hand and could squeeze that. Supposedly my hands were cold, and they need to be warmer for better circulation. Later he said that it was his excuse to hold hands with a pretty girl. Haha :) Thanks, Phil!

766. Laughing after fall banquet when my friend and I found out that the parking garage was locked, and we needed to head back.

767. Larissa being there to catch me when I passed out. God is good. And she's my hero. lol :)

768. My cousins visiting me here last Saturday and cousin taking me out to dinner.

769. The green red robin balloon I got after eating dinner! It's the little things in life . . . Jesus knows me. :)

770. The reminder to glorify God in the little things in life. Thanks, Oswald Chambers!

I'm not sure how Jesus works, but I know that He takes care of me, and I feel like I can see the good experiences in my life as sweet gifts from the One who gives every good and perfect gift. I think He gives them purposefully too, and in this knowledge, we can be grateful. Plus gratitude has this funny way of changing us, changing our vision. Life looks so much better through the lens of grace and gratitude . . .

"Nothing Is More Practical"

2010-11-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

This quote is silly-tacked to my yellow bedroom wall at home. I remembered it some nights ago. I think there's some truth to it . . .

“Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in a love in a
quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read,
who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”

Pedro Arrupe

Colorful Monsters

2010-11-07T22:02:00.001-08:00

I wrote this a little while back . . . maybe two weeks ago. I think it still applies. Especially to today . . .

I'm not sure that I should be writing here. I'm not sure I really have anything to say, but maybe Jesus will say something to me as I type.

Tonight, I have a lot of silly things inside of me. I imagine them as little, colorful children's monsters (but the funny kind, not particularly the scary kind), flapping around their furry selves, chatting with each other, but you see, they're way too active. They're not orderly, and though I suppose they're happy maybe, I'm not very at peace here, little monsters! Come on now.

Now . . . I wonder if You'd come, Jesus? I'm sorry about the mess here. I know. There's monsters. I don't think they're that mean. Oh. That doesn't matter does it.

My hands. You want to see my hands? Oh Jesus, I . . .

Yes. (I was told once that one can't say "No, Lord," . . . that it's an oxymoron. Anyways.)

But Daddy? Oh . . . no buts. How about I just sit here? On the operating table. You can just take it all. All. Then I don't have to do anything. I'll go numb. Give me the anesthesia.

Oh. That's not how it works, is it?

Sometimes, You test the depth of my surrender, don't You? Do You do it so I know? I can't imagine You're happy, Love. I'm so much more selfish than I even know. I can't imagine why You still remain faithful to me. Why You still "wrestle with [my] sinner's heart," why You "lead me by still waters and into mercy." Please, please . . . don't give up on me.

"You dance over me, and I am unaware. You sing all around, and I never hear the sound."

You amaze me.

I am so undeserving, but sometimes I forget that in my heart. I don't want to forget, Lord? You deserve all the things I don't surrender. You don't deserve my selfishness, and I hate this. I feel like Hosea's girl. You deserve so much better than me, Jesus. I know the names of the type of people who redeem their title of being Yours. Well, they seem like they do. I'm the rebellious one. The One that argues with You and doesn't know how I could possibly give up the things I hold so fiercely on to. And sometimes I just wish we could go away to that place at the base of the mountain where You and I could just dance. But until then.

Will You come in?

We Are Wanted

2010-11-07T21:24:00.000-08:00

It was a yucky day today. I wish I knew why. I have some ideas, but it wasn't like there was anything really horrible that happened.

It was a World Christianity assignment that sent me to Montavilla Baptist church this evening. I went for their Hispanic service to fulfill a grade requirement of visiting an international church. When I got there, however, I found that the services (the Hispanic and the normal English evening service) were combined this Sunday. Rats. I seriously contemplated the idea of just leaving then. (I'm so horrible) BUT! it had been a bad day. I needed Jesus. Maybe, just maybe . . . I could find Him there? Or He could find me.

In the front of the sanctuary, there was a table holding communion items. Maybe this would be my connection back to peace and Jesus after a pain-filled day. I needed Jesus so badly. I needed love so desperately. So. Desperately.

The service began with some worship, a man from Cuba spoke while another man translated, one man gave a devotional. I didn't really get anything from that. I was still sizzling and frying in something I don't really know how to accurately describe. Pain? Hurt? Fear? Desperation? Maybe a little bit of everything. After awhile, it was time for communion.

And Jesus and I spoke.

And I'm quite confident He understand exactly what I was dealing with in that pew, what I had been dealing with throughout the day, and a part of my struggle was fear. And I think He knows what the fear of being hurt is. Garden of Gethsemane. Night before the worst time of His life. Of any life. And because of this, He understands. But He also reminded me of something else.

Danae, I want you.

Why do You want me, Jesus? You don't understand! You have no reason to want me!

I made You, danae.

I don't know why Jesus would want me, but it feels so good to be wanted. Maybe I had completely forgotten that He did. But I can't tell you how much it meant to me to hear that. It made me cry. You see, Jesus is my best Friend. Am I His Best Friend? Uh, . . . no, probably not. I have been such a horrible friend to Him, it's disgusting. In fact, I really haven't even paid much attention to Him lately. He brought that to mind this Saturday. But it's a new week, isn't it?

The earlier parts of today weren't my favorite. I'll confess, it was a struggling-to-stay-breathing type of day, but once again, Jesus came. He calmed the storm. I'm safe again, and I'm loved, and it's really going to be okay.

And you, friend? You're wanted too. I hope you know. It's a proven fact . . . proven with the rough pieces of a tree, connected in the shape of a cross where this Man gave up His everything. for you. We are so loved. You are wanted. <3

It Was Because of Your Words

2010-11-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

that I sprawled out Isaiah 49:15-16 on one side of a 3x5 index card and Psalms 62:5-8 on the back. It was because of your words that I slipped it in my pocket and headed out the door in sweats and a t-shirt and a stormy heart. Yes, friend, it was you telling me to pray on the way that I cried out to Him on the way to the gym, and His reminder was in words I had heard before:

Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is

And maybe I worry more than I think I do. Maybe I get caught up in storms. Most of 'em are probably fear storms. I don't know my ending for this one particular story, and it scares me. Pain and broken hearts scare me. Being rejected scares me. Numbs me. Makes me want to run away.

[Side note: One of my favorite things about my relationship with Jesus: I can depend on Him chasing me when I run away]

And I wanted to tell Jesus all about it. I wanted to be able to talk it out with Him, have it all laid out, and I want to get rid of this silly rain storm in the right hand corner of my room with the cube in it. (inside "joke") And then some words my roommate had said last night came into my head along with the above quote, especially these words:

Tell the storm how big your God is.

So I think I'm just going to do that . . . Here's a quick note:

Mister Storm,
"I hate your stinking guts" (Little Rascals quote), and I wanted to fill you in on something. It is for freedom that Christ has set me free (Gal 5:1), and you will not imprison me.

And Mister Storm? My Daddy is big. He's my castle, and I'm safe in Him. You can't come to me without His okay, and you are no more than I can handle. I am not of those that shrink back. In fact, my Daddy gives me courage, and He's fighting for me. He's pretty huge, you know. So don't worry, you won't defeat me.

And Mr. Storm? "God is a refuge for us." (Ps 62:8b) His words are these: " . . . yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands . . ." (Isaiah 49:15b-16a) Pour all you want. I'll wait until it's over. Just saying . . .

from: danae

Oh, and friend? I'm not sure you'll read this, not sure how often you check back here, but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you so much. You are a picture of God's grace to me, His sweet blessing. Your words, your testimony moved me so much last night, and I'm praying for you now, that God would continue to heal you and take away your fear. You are "Christ-Bearer." Be strong and courageous.

And friend? You have so encouraged me and inspired me . . . after all, I began my first day of running 5 minutes on that treadmill today. ;) Thank you.

Real

2010-10-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

The rain sprayed diagonally outside the thick windows, and flashes of yellows swirled in the wind, leaves falling. And I was sheltered by the thick arches of boards I didn't lay, held together by nails I didn't pound in. I stood under this and grace, among many different people with many different stories, and we sang. This:

"Your love is deeper than any ocean
Higher than the Heavens,
Reaches . . .
Beyond the stars in the sky.

Jesus, Your love has no bounds."

And I pictured Him. I pictured Him as a Jewish man in that typical Jesus garb . . . you know. The white robe. Blue sash. Dark, long hair. You know.

And I had to stop myself.

And then I pictured Him again. In jeans, a nice shirt, cut hair. And His smile . . . oh His sweet smile. And once again, I fell in love. His love breaks my heart and makes me want to dance and fly and cry. I don't understand this type of love.

And I imagined Him holding my hand. His love astounds me. It's realness astounds me.

You see, Father God has become so much more real to me lately. Being in Bible college, learning about Genesis, dissecting events and stories, God's Word and His truth and Himself are becoming wildly vivid to me. You see, I've grown up in a Christian home, in a Christian church where Bible characters lived in flannel graphs, and history was a stack of stories that happened miles and miles back in time. Yes, it happened, but they were stories recorded in old fashion children's books with drab colored pictures.

As I'm learning about Genesis, I'm finding out something interesting. I'm finding that my default vision views the Bible as a set of stories. Being at Multnomah has been so good because it's readjusting how I view the Bible, how I view God. It's beginning to really sink in that these stories are REAL, that these people were REAL (and many of them I can really relate to). That this Yahweh is my Daddy, that I'm His. And this excites me.

But as I said, sometimes the old way of viewing things comes back. Like when I want to picture Jesus as this old, storybook figure, walking into my life in a mystic sense of irrelevance. No. If Jesus would've come a second time and would decide to come to Portland, Oregon, God-in-flesh, I think He might just wear jeans. I think He'd look like us, you know?

I know this isn't new. In fact, some would thing this is a pretty pathetic, childish realization. But I'm glad I'm realizing it. I'm glad I'm realizing the effect of being raised through the Christian framework (something I'm very grateful for, but it has definitely impacted how I view things, and sometimes I need to step back and question why I see things the way I do?). And I'm so glad that Jesus can be real to us. That He IS SO REAL. This excites me.

And in case you've been questioning lately, I want to remind you of something Jesus reminded me of today . . . You are never alone, friend. Never ever unloved because He is Real. And He is here. Alleluia.

Anyway

2010-10-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm a dreamer. A visionary. There's this piece of me that wants to change my world, that wants to get involved with people's lives and love them to Jesus. Ann Kiemel gets credit for part of that . . . she inspires me. She's a lady who holds firmly to Jesus and tells people that her and Jesus are out to change the world. That love can do it. That wrapping arms around and hearts around can do it.

In the end, Jesus is the only One who can do it.

But I hope I can be so bold to believe that He wants to use us. As long as we know that it's not us doing the changing [sometimes, i forget this]. As long as we know that we're a vessel, that love should be that which compels us.

But sometimes I love for love. And then I fall. And often give up. And Jesus isn't glorified. Oh Jesus, teach me another way? Your way?

And then I hear songs like Anyway by Martina McBride, and this strengthens the dreams. You see, I want to truly love (for Jesus) anyway, even when I'm afraid. I want to truly give and dream and sing . . . even if all these things come crashing down or even just COULD come crashing down . . . I want to do it anyway. For Jesus. I am not of those that shrink back . . . as Paul would say. I am born of God, and He is strong, and He loves us anyway.

Make me like this, Jesus? Please? For Your sake alone.

Philippians 1:9-11 NIV

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ --- to the glory and praise of God."

May our love be His love, a love deeply knowledgeable and insightful that directs us in purity, a love that reaches out to touch this mangled world even when it could be rejected . . . to Love. Anyway.

Golden Sun

2010-10-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the words just come. Unorganized, unrefined, undirected currents. Sometimes, the release is good, and I am more free.

My life, a reckless stream,
Barreling down the boulders,
Shooting across the night,
A tiny star.

And sometimes it sits,
Wet pools in caverns,
Mirages and shadows.

Where is this life that dies?
The breaking point of me dying,
You living?
My losing all this shaggy selfishness?
Pride dumps? Clusters of dead laziness?

And where is this cleaning hope?
Of pure blood that makes me new?
The shedding of me?
It's only when this falls that
I can run by Your mountain stream,
And laugh as You twirl me around,
A little girl. In golden sunshine,
Deep blue of blue sky.

It begins now.
You, Jesus, . . . would You bathe me?
In Your cleansing Word that
Breaks, wounds, and heals?
Would You remind me of that
Blood red?
That I'm to forever to be named. His.

Theme

2010-10-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

If you're looking at my blog, trying to evaluate my writing ability, please pass by this post specifically. It might not be pretty. But it's time, to pour out my heart like water . . .

Daddy? We've walked this road before, haven't we?
I recognize the mountain peaks,
Stretching, strong and cold,
The barb wired thorns,
Bruising,ripping heart flesh.
And Daddy? No. I don't want to.
I want to go Home, I want to RUN.
I don't want to do it again!
I'm scared, and I'm so tired of pain
And prison walls and a love that kills me.
Daddy? Can we just run away?
Please? Please?

"No."

Oh Daddy . . . I can't do this without You.
I worry I can't do it at all.
Oh me of little faith.
I'm not very strong.
{But I want to be}
And I hate this whole situation.
I'm kicking against You,
Screaming inside.
But No.
Be still, my soul.
Forgive me, Daddy.
You know why.
You are God.
Okay. Okay.
You can have me.
I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
A coward.
Please change this in me.
If You must, wound me.
So I can be healed.
"Heal me, and I will be healed."
Please, Jesus.
If You won't take this away,
Prepare me for war.
Or maybe just for letting You take over,
Me hiding myself, like a little child.
Free in Your walls.
Yes, Lord.

Compelling Love

2010-09-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

It's 7:22 pm, and I'm surviving with between 5 - 6 hours of sleep plus a nap today. (I really shouldn't be blogging. Ha! I say this a lot, don't I?) I'm listening to Times by Tenth Avenue North. Mmm. Sweet, hard memories.

And I'm weighed down by this thing called tiredness and by this unnamed thing. I'm not sure what it is. I think it's maybe fear. It's funny how fear compels us, how the strongest desire to run from any pain compels us. Or maybe it's just me. :) And right near me is this plaque. "Don't worry about anything -- instead, pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. Philippians 4:6." It's hard to pray when you're not for certain of your needs. Maybe this is one of those moments when I try to simply open myself and let Him come in, let Him fix the ruins that fear has made, the ruins my sin has made, the ruins past pain has made. Maybe my only answer is "yes" . . . oh how hard it can be to simply say "yes." Why? I don't know . . . I guess it's because I'm afraid of the answers. I'm afraid of the implications. Or maybe I'm not afraid. Maybe I'm just so selfishly stubborn.

But I really do want love. I want that compelling love that God is. The love that casts out my fear of pain. I want that love that is light and all good, the love that heals after wounding. You know this love? And it's easy to talk about it, to desire it, but how do I open my heart enough to catch it? Or is catching love something done with open hands? Something you can't hoard. Something you stand in as you'd stand in torrential droplets, pouring from dark skies? Is it something that seeps into us as we read the living Word? What do you think?

Waters Rise

2010-09-18T17:39:00.001-07:00

There's this little boy I can see from my window. He's dressed in a sailor blue raincoat, and I'm sure some rubber boots. It's sprinkling and gray outside, and in his hands, he's holding and twirling this hose, washing down his swing set. He must be around four. I just had to share because it's one of the cutest things I've seen in awhile. :) Oh, wait! There's another tike, except this one is barefoot and walking around with probably just a shirt and a diaper . . . oh boy. OH! You should see him! He's so cute. He's probably 2 or 3, and I think his momma just called him. I truly believe children are God's gift to the world.

But that really wasn't what I was going to blog about. I got distracted.

I'm scared. I journeyed out not that long ago into a place where I maybe shouldn't have been, and now I'm facing the rivers, praying that I can somehow relax in His arms as the waters rise.

And those words. Those "Be Still and Know that I AM GOD" words. Echo.

But Jesus? I'm SCARED.

But danae, I'm with you.

But Jesus?

danae, who am I?

I don't know if I know!

Hush. Be still. Be quiet. Let go. Relax your hands.

Who am I, danae?

You are God.

What does that mean, danae? That I am God?

It means You're in control, Jesus. It means that You're my castle and my refuge. It means that You know all, that You only can protect me fully, that my heart is safe in Your hands. Daddy, it means I don't have to worry, that I can hide in You.

"Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side."

Be still and know that God is GOD.

Heal the Wound

2010-09-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

Heal the Wound
Jaime Jamgochian

"I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's a memory of the place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees...and even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart and
Heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived that boasts of anything
And I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an alter with the rubble that You found me in
And every stone will sing of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart and
Heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget the beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart and
Heal the wound but leave the scar"

I'm not sure I realized how much of the old I was holding onto. The old wounds were dying out, but they weren't correctly bandaged. I didn't realize how strongly I was trying to protect myself from pain and in so doing, how strongly I was saying "no" to Jesus, how I was withholding my trust and His full access into my whole life.

But You come like spring rains. "And I am unaware of the most extravagant of Your intentions."

And if you're reading this, and you don't understand, it's alright. But know this one thing . . . Father is so good. And His grace is astounding. He is Friend. He is Healer.

Crush

2010-09-14T00:13:00.001-07:00

I'm so exhausted. I think I've reached my limit on being able to focus, yet still, here I am, blogging and listening to "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.

"All this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way, I wonder if my life could ever change at all."

Do you know those moments? Those dusty, dirty times of thirst? When Jesus, You seem oh so far away, farther than the constellations, and I'm here, waiting, simply wanting to crawl into Your lap and just cry and hear You say that I'm safe and at home, that I can be weak for awhile. You'll be the Strong.

"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust."

Jesus? I've made so many messes, and if I'm to be honest, even here at Bible college, I feel so separated from You, and I don't know how to crumple this void of my own making. Are You sure You can make beautiful things out of this?

"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us."

Oh Jesus, I love You. Thank You for taking Peter back. I love that story, of Him denying You yet You invited Him back and cooked Him breakfast. Your grace is overwhelming. Teach me what it means to really love You? To die.

"You make me new, You are making me new."

Please crush this cocoon, Lord. Even if it hurts. I need You. I want You, Jesus.

Love, Yours.

Exercise

2010-09-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

I guess my blogger life is somewhat suffering now that I've taken to college, but I still wanted to post, even though I shouldn't. For goodness gracious it's 11:46 pm. :) But I want to make this quick and real. I took a survey today for my Spiritual Life class, assessing my spiritual life thus far. Wow. There are so many things that it brought out that I need to work on. Like prayer for one, like thanking God for one.

Okay, here's an exercise in thanks maybe if I can keep it real.

746. For laughing like mad with friends while being sleep deprived.

747. Hearing other sweet girls' laugh.

748. Learning about things that I need to do better, about how much more I need to grow spiritually.

749. One other college student (girl) telling me I was beautiful. That was such a sweet gift.

750. Mom and Dad and Briana bringing yummy food and beautiful flowers to me.

751. Being able to see family and going to cousin's wedding.

752. Being in a small, college group at a church and meeting sweet people.

753. Working on the elliptical for around 20 minutes. (YES, JESUS! We did it!)

754. Sweet friends coming and visiting me at college.

755. Passing my quizzes today.

Thanks.

Soar Me Heavenward

2010-09-01T07:06:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure it's Wednesday. This first classes week at college has gone so slow. It hasn't been bad necessarily but somewhat overwhelming. Thankfully, I was able to get a lot of things written in my planner. Just in case you needed to know this information . . . ? :)

I read today in Luke about how the things that men value aren't what God values. I read about the rich man and Lazarus. Ironic, isn't it, that even after the big name I'm sure the rich man made for himself here, it didn't matter in Heaven. He was the rich man, and the poor man got the name. The rich man was so wanting to add up the good times on this side of the veil, he rejected the other side. I do that too. I forget that this isn't all there is, that, when I'm weighing a big decision, missed opportunities for pleasure or comfort won't matter after I walk through the thresholds of this other place. Do I value the things God does? Or am I stuck in this gravity of earth? Soar me heavenward, Jesus.

I want to be real here, never caught up in the spirituality of a Bible college. I want to soak up Jesus and understand how desperately I need Him. President Dan Lockwood gave the student body three special challenges yesterday based off of Isaiah's vision of God's holiness. He told us to 1) take a glance at God's holiness, 2) understand our own helplessness and uncleanness, and I believe the 3) was to grasp His grace. Good words. Words I'll leave you with as I finish checking e-mails and get ready for my first class of the day . . . Intro to Church Ministry. So farewell. For now :)

Thanks From College

2010-08-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here, typing out my first blog post in college. What a crazy, wild thing. What a good thing. I am absolutely loving Multnomah. I arrived here on Thursday, and the weekend was packed with different activities. They've been good and fun, and I've met so many people. So. Many. People, and it's great. And God's grace is so incredible.

My gratitude list starts at 732 today. Wow.

Jesus? thank You for

732. the kind welcome here when I came by the faculty and students.

733. a nice dorm room, a good place to stay.

734. a good roommate :)

735. reminding me of Your beautiful grace, that strong blood, Your cry to save me.

736. sweet hugs by other girls.

737. laughing and cheering for the Timbers with a new friend.

738. the phone call home.

739. meeting Dee and Irene, two sweet ladies working in one of the offices here.

740. an especially yummy meal on saturday and the luau and watching other people limbo.

741. a stack of brightly colored envelops, addressed and ready to send to camp girls.

742. this one lanky fellow making me laugh.

743. a beautiful church building and the speaker reminding us that Jesus has blessed us that we can share Him with others.

744. that I only have one class on Monday. YES.

745. watching a little girl at church, nod and smile. cute.

Last Post Before College!

2010-08-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

Thank You, Jesus,

721. for a brand new laptop from my parents,

722. for the cool, refreshing air splashing my skin

723. for two of sisters' friends surprising her for her birthday

724. for a Pastor listening

725. for that visit to tell her goodbye

726. for friend's kind poem and words

727. for sister and me, both having same toe ring :)

728. for the testimony of a sweet man's life

729. for Briana's thoughtful, fun going-away gifts.

730. for the excitement of the adventure

731. for a last grateful post at home before college.

Joy

2010-08-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

"See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the seasons of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land."

Song of Solomon 2:11-12 NIV

Praise God!! It's almost here, the daylight. Joy.

Spinning

2010-08-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

Spinning, spinning, the earth continues its orbit, not shaken by the chaos in my life. I'm glad to know there are things bigger than me. That there is a Being bigger than me. I'm so grateful for His rescue, for the way He's leading me through the chaos of my own making. I'm not sure the ending yet. He's working on shaping it for me. I am so helpless, and He is so hopeful. I'm so hypocrite, He is so truth and Holy and purifying. May it all be known.

Thank You for . . .

706. Time with family and healing

707. Field of wildflowers

708. Cousin trying to convince me to Kansas . . . :) Grin.

709. Mom finding a gift card I was missing.

710. The compliment from a stranger.

711. Dad and I finally finding Dominos to bring pizza back to the hotel.

712. Hearing a message about how Christians have victory in the spiritual with Christ.

713. Ann Voskamp's blog post on fishing line.

714. Bags of new college things. Can't. Believe. I'm. Actually. Doing. This.

715. Running water on toes.

716. Finding brightly colored envelopes. One for $.01. :) I got about a 100 . . . ;)

717. Seeing pregnant friend and how she's grown, in more ways than one. :)

718. Visiting sister while she babysat and hearing her little fellow calling me "NayNay."

719. Air Conditioning.

720. Getting rid of things.

Amen. :)

I Lift My Eyes

2010-08-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, the last few posts haven't been too uplifting, and I suppose if I'm honest, I'm not fully cleansed or healed, nor is this family, but as I began to write another "real," depressing blog post, I decided this isn't where I should be going. I haven't done my gratitude list in two weeks. I haven't truly humbled myself before God's throne in quite awhile. Today's the day . . .

Jesus? Thank You . . .

696. For girls giggling

697. Roasting marshmallows with 5th and 6th graders

698. Memories of cake fights and being scared by Mr. Taylor at Drift Creek

699. One silly girl looking at my sweatshirt and quickly proclaiming . . . "Iowa Hawk-eee's" (instead of Hawkeyes). Ah little Firecracker (I miss you and all of those other ladies in my cabin!).

700. My chat with D about the crash and burn after camp. He's not sure how he'll make it. I know.

701. Watching my cabin of girls at camp come up with their skit. So. Funny.

702. Leading the kids in funny motions during songs.

703. Playing Duck, Duck, Goose with hyper youngsters.

704. Getting to know my co-counselor more. Our laughs. Her teaching me things.

705. That You are merciful and strong. Please, take me back?

Leper Crying

2010-08-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

I want to go home. Away. This numbness is killing me. Nightmare. I disappointed them so much, hurt them tremendously, and I can't even FEEL the wrong. I don't understand.

Oh Jesus? Are You really "by my side wherever i fall in the dead of night, whenever i call, can I please not fight Your hands that are holding me? Do You really love me? Do you really want me to know? that You love me, that You'll never let me go?" Did I disappoint You too? Do You hate me yet? I want to be held, Jesus, but am I too wrong to be touched by You? Can You hold the leper again? Please? Because I think she's dying right now.

The end.

Safe Place

2010-08-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

The safe place was compromised, and now it's a whirlwind of tears and anger. Three years ago, one year ago, I wouldn't have guessed. Life was simple, and conflict was just random snags on the back of life. I don't understand why life gets so complicated as time goes on. Why the nest we hide in as children is slowly taken away.

A big reason why I wanted to leave home for college was that I'd stand on my own, on Jesus. Maybe the nest is being taken, the safe places disrupted so I recognize there is only one safe place. You, Jesus. Your arms around me. I'm scared and confused, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get untangled from this one. I've let a whole lot of hurt into this family. Yeah, me. The one who won the student of the year awards, the servant's heart award. The one that other parents were jealous of. Yep. We all fall short. I fall so much shorter. The safe place was compromised. I was angry at You, Jesus. I was angry that You didn't take the desires away, that I couldn't feel You, that I didn't want to give the desires away. I'm frustrated that things aren't just turning out, that they're so intertwined and difficult. And I need You, Jesus! I need You, now. I need Your strong arms and Your deep wisdom. And lots and lots and lots of grace.

Please come. Be my safe place. The harbor. Bring this family back, make it a safe place again . . . please?

Dragons of Memories

2010-07-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

I try to daily write in a journal, filling it with letters (I guess people call them prayers) to my Heavenly Father. I'm not exactly sure how I got started, but I think I began during January of my seventh grade year. Anyways, I'm so glad I started, and I'd encourage anyone (especially if you like to express yourself through writing) to start . . . it's a great way to get out some caged up, unaccounted for emotions onto paper, and it helps keep a steady record of how the Lord has been working. Anyway, that's that.

So, last night, I kept my entry pretty short. It was about dragons. I wondered if some dragons die slowly or if they just resurrect a couple of times before they stay in their graves. The past few weeks, maybe I should say months, I've been fighting dragons, particularly last week, warring against this particular issue that has come up, that I had probably fed for too long. Anyways, there were days where this dragon seemed quite conquered. And yet other days? The same horrid fellow creeps up into my zone. Again. Sometimes it's just a memory that's a match, and he's lit up like a Christmas tree, ready to blast his fire. Sometimes, I don't hit at him quick enough, and he's just there, until I realize the urgency of the situation.

Okay, is this completely nonsense or are you picking up what I'm laying down? You know what I'm saying? Okay, it may be nonsense regardless, but "dragons" are "dragons." And I can't fight them on my own.

Mom and I try to walk almost each weekday, and we share verses with each other. I wanted to share one verse with you that she shared with me and that was also shared in church this past Sunday (maybe I'm supposed to be learning something?? haha). This is a dragon slayer verse . . .

Isaiah 41:10 New Living Translation:

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

God's got our back . . . a good thing, huh? Of course, we don't just leave it at that. We must "Be still and know" (thank you Addie and Holly for this reminder), trusting that He is God.

Wherever you are today, whatever dragons you're working on killing, know that the true Dragon-Slayer is with you, that even if the dragons might seem to resurrect, the ultimate victory has been decided from the beginning. What a good thing.

Thank you Jesus . . .

681. That I'm really small, but He's really big, that I can trust Him. He knows how to deal with them dragons after all . . . :)

682. Potato bread, the store-bought, hardly-good-for-you kind. :)

683. Holly friend encouraging me with what I needed to hear.

684. Little girls' smile and their tackles and laugh when I tickled them.

685. Morning star

686. Expanses of wheat shoots

687. The green-ness of a grass field

688. The way my sister is so amazing at photography

689. Playing "Come Thou Font" with Briana (sister) for offertory.

690. Singing with friends at Willamette Celebration

691. Fresh blueberries

692. Him working on me . . . it's about Jesus-dependence.

693. A church library filled with books and more on the way hopefully.

694. Being able to read a small Max Lucado book in one setting, hidden away.

695. The "Nuggets" (Bible Verses) Mom and I share on our walks.

Holly

2010-07-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Holly is one of my best friends. I met her when she first started attending my high school. We were freshman and became friends, but it wasn't until senior year that we really grew as close friends. It started at senior camp-out when we stayed up until 2 in the morning speaking in Spanish and about our futures and about how we'd tell on each others' kids about how late we made each other stay up. :)

I know that Jesus sent me this girl senior year because He knew I'd need her. Holly, you have seen me when I'm broken and ugly and discouraged, and yet you have still loved me and encouraged me and have threatened to beat up a certain boy for me (wink) and beat me up too . . . :) LOL You have been prayer warrior and encourager . . . one of my best friends. I love you.

Thank you for talking with me on the phone today. You leave me encouraged, with things to think about. After I hung up with you, I was sitting by the front window eating lunch. I still don't feel like myself, and I still feel kind of crud-ish, but I want to be like David. I want to be honest. So here's my public declaration. I hope the devil sees it . . . :)

Yahweh, awhile back, I told You "no matter what." I didn't know what that statement would mean, but I knew that it could cost me things that I love. Jesus, You took away a silly thing that I really shouldn't care so much about, yet I have, and it's hurt. But Jesus, I choose to love You still. I have been faithless, but You remain faithful. I choose to trust You with my future. I don't want to believe it, but I choose to trust You that you have "Caleb" all figured out, that someday, if You will, I'll get to meet him. I will follow You, Lord. You do have me in Your hands. I choose joy. JOY. Please restore unto me the joy of my salvation! I am NOT the VICTIM! (Satan, are you hearing this? I HATE you. I will NOT listen to the lies.) I trust in Your love, Jesus, that it is enough. I hand over my pain. I am being made holy. I am set free. I am child of GOD, of the King. Praise You, Lord! You have saved me, You have redeemed me. I am Yours.

Please, I'm going to close my eyes for awhile and just trust You. You're in this rocking boat too, aren't You? You know. Thank You for recording all my tears. Thank You for listening to my doubts and putting up with my anger, (or maybe I should say, still loving me while I'm angry . . .). I really don't know how to move on right now, but please help me. I still want to be Yours. Please.

"You've got Holly and Danae, in Your hands, You've got Holly and Danae, In Your hands, You've got Holly and Danae, in Your hands, You've got their whole world in Your hands."

Wrestling

2010-07-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

I am Israel. I wrestle with Almighty God. I was going to write this post about how I've been wrestling with Him, how I should just be trusting Him, etc etc, but I went to Ann Voskamp's blog today, and her words said what I could never say, what I hadn't even thought of saying. They may just be centering me, bringing me back. Sometimes, God does wound us, and it hurts. The story doesn't have to end here.

If you've got a moment, it will be well worth your time to take a stop at A Holy Experience to read Ann's post. You won't regret it. Love from: danae

Quite the Week

2010-07-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

From last Sunday to this Sunday, it has been quite the week. Decisions, college class registration, tears, broken relationships, mending relationships. My. But tucked within the chaos and the pain, there have been joy and song. Even When I Couldn't Hear It. Because God is love, and He teaches me the New Song, the brilliance of morning, of being free. With an open heart, I want to give Him my Thanks. Honest thanks, for:

661. Being able to pick fresh, red raspberries.

662. The joy on Grandma and Grandpa's face when sis and I visited them.

663. Getting smoothies with Briana and sitting outside with her to keep warm while I'm drinking my cold smoothie. :)

664. That I could clean "my" church.

665. Being able to talk things out with my dad.

666. A comment on my blog by a friend :)

667. For Jesus leading me to make a decision and giving me the strength to do it.

668. Being able to cry and release and hopefully move forward now. Free.

669. The way dear Friend came and sat with me and talked with me. She understood and cared and encouraged. Jesus knew I needed her then.

670. Director friend's hug and understanding.

671. E-mails from Chinese friends. I miss 'em!

672. Picnics outside on our kinda new picnic table.

673. That I'm a step closer to college, classes figured out.

674. That I could re-read some old letters I wrote to a friend, that I could be put back into perspective.

675. Blueberries and raspberries growing from our plants here.

676. "Sunrise" by Nicole Nordeman

"If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You are sunrise"

677. His Words. Psalms 119:25-32. Especially verse 32:

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."

678. Another friend mouthing the words, "We'll be praying." The love of God is a marvelous thing.

679. Letter from sister.

680. The cherry tree on the side of the road . . . our personal snack machine after Mom and my walks. :)

Uh Oh

2010-07-16T19:20:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is class registration for college. Uh. Yikes. So I'm in my room, thinking about this, and I start to get this nervous sensation creep into my stomach. . . uh. I'm going to be going to COLLEGE?!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! I think it's just starting to sink in. What do you think? :P Haha :) So I was wondering, well, I don't have to do this, maybe college wasn't such a smart idea. This is scary! lol But, the small part of my mind that is still somewhat sane tried to calm the wildly anxious part of my brain, that it's okay, it'll be all good. Uh huh. Whatever. ;)

One of my cousins asked me during our family reunion what am I most excited about for college and what I'm most scared about. Well, I didn't really have a good answer for him because it hadn't sunk in yet. Well, it's starting too. How about I think things "out loud" . . . (what do you call it when you think things through blog writing??)

What I'm Nervous About:

The transition. Just figuring out how I fit into everything, fit into relationships and a different work load, fitting into a new church and a city, as far as that goes.

I'm nervous about my roommate and that transition. It's exciting, but it's also scary. It's been awhile since I've shared a room with someone (well, I guess it hasn't been that long ago, but it feels like it). I know I will have so much growing to do, so much shedding of the selfishness and the independence and privacy. That will be good for me, but probably not easy (and SCARY!). ;)

I'm nervous that I won't stand strong, that I'll melt into this Multnomah student. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to go to college and be danae. Jesus' danae. I want to embrace who I'm meant to be and not shrink away but be strong. Strong to love and wrap arms around and share even when I want to withhold. I want to give so much more of myself than I do now, so much more of Jesus. I don't want to just wear a mask to fit in; I want to fit in because I am the real deal, you know? I want to really truly LOVE Jesus, want to know Him, not just act like it to measure up to others' passionate hearts. I want to be able to stand strong in what is true, even when people around me might swerve toward something that would be harmful because that probably happens . . . even at Bible schools. I've got some preparing = praying to do.

Okay, you want a real honest one? I'm nervous that my attention will not stay focused on Christ, that I'll be distracted by the . . . . (boys). I don't want that! I want the right boy to come when I'm not looking for him anyways! lol Plus, it's time to surrender 'em and focus on Jesus and friendships. Not having brothers or any close guy friends makes it kind of hard . . . I'm nervous about healthy, good, easy-going relationships with guys as brothers thru Jesus. Something for me to pray about.

It will be so crazy to be away from my family. That's going to be so hard. That part hasn't sunk in fully yet, but it will be miserable when it does. Jesus has been preparing my wings for sometime I think, but it will still be so hard to move away from people that I so dearly love and who so graciously love me.

And I'm excited too:

I'm excited for new relationships, new friendships.

I'm excited to flex my wings, to stand on Christ . . . by myself.

I'm excited for good classes, Bible classes.

I'm excited to learn to love Jesus more and people too, to meet new people at a new church, to love people through ministry outreaches.

I'm excited to decorate a dorm room and watch Biggest Loser with friends (hopefully . . . please tell me there will be other MU girls that love B.L. . . . please!).

Ah, I have so much growing to do, so much more "rooting" I need to do in Jesus before I head out. It will be good to figure out classes tomorrow. Though it will be amazing when classes start, I'm glad school doesn't start tomorrow. I definitely need more prep time. But this will be good, this little dip into college. So, I must not "be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [my] requests to God." His peace will guard my heart and mind. So, see ya later! Next time I blog, I'll probably have my classes figured out, a new mailing address, and an MU ID Card . . . so until then, Farewell. :)