My the days have been lived. I feel like a child sometimes, sitting in a train and peering out the window, watching my life pass by as if I were only a bystander. But I'm not. I'm in it. Struggling through it. Rejoicing in it. As I blog though, it gives me a chance to just sit back in the train and look out the window, to try to understand it more as I distance myself and let the words run through the fingertips.
Life has been hard lately. Truth. But there have definitely been jewels hidden in my path that glint golden and cause me stop and bend to earth, only to find that I'm looking at gifts from a good Father, only to find that my eyes turn upward and into a familiarly good Face. Here's an update, a counting of these jewels . . .
801. A stranger telling me "Good Morning" here in the library.
802. Pages of Bible . . . holding the Word in my hand and being able to read His words over and over and over.
803. Birthday package from my friend, filled with yummy, sweet goodies.
804. Talking with a professor yesterday, hearing his story and how in some ways, part of it really mirrors mine.
805. Talking with my Brother T on the phone and him praying for me, encouraging me. It's so nice to have big Brothers! :)
806. The anonymous comment left for me on my blog . . . from Jehovah. Wow. Meant so much to me.
807. Snowflakes falling unexpectedly this morning.
808. God's power and our access to it through prayer.
809. Him sharing what he will tell "his kids" about relationships. Oh friend, you have grown so much, are strong.
810. Simply being able to be around people and study . . . nice thing to be surrounded by family, by Jesus in others.
811. "Busy Work" . . . getting assignments done.
812. Flowers from my dad for Valentine's day.
813. A letter and gifts from Friend for V-Day . . . words. Read and reread words.
814. Hugs from my sister when I went back home for awhile.
815. Mom's delicious birthday meal that she made for me.
816. Sweet friend from church, her sweet hug and love and the gift of the angel. Oh how God loves us through others!
817. Being able to move and exercise while I read for homework.
818. Being able to share that I struggled in College Group. Freedom in release, in honesty.
819. Being encouraged by Caleb and Joshua's story in college group . . . fear verses faith.
820. Chapel on Monday and hearing a couple's passion for Jesus, for bringing His presence with them . . . encouraging.
I'm danae. I'm the child of God. My Father Yeshua puts up with a lot when it comes to me. I struggle with Him, trying to hold on to what He has asked me to let go, yet He doesn't leave. Doesn't forsake. I am still His, and He holds me against Him. He scatters His gifts along my path to remind me I am not alone, to remind me that I am loved, that there is HOPE and BEAUTY here. Sometimes we just have to keep our eyes open to it, open to seeing. Open to the gifts . . .
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Letting Love
I'm writing this post with pinkish-red fingernail polish, listening to Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning." I thought that song would maybe neatly label 2010, . . . but it's coming into this year too. As I listen to it though, I don't feel the hopelessness I felt last year. Yeah, there's definitely sadness and pain but a promise. Of morning.
As I came to sit down and type though, I wasn't planning on typing on fingernail polish or Josh Wilson songs though. I came with an intent on staining my thoughts onto a blog post, thoughts about . . . enemies.
One of the favorite sermons I remember hearing from my pastor back home was on Nehemiah, and one of his points was simple BUT SO PROFOUND.
Know Your Enemy.
I walked into a weekend confused. So confused. I tried to remember this point though.
Know Your Enemy.
My enemies . . .
anger.
bitterness.
fear.
disobedience.
Satan.
My enemies are not the ones who hurt me (whether intentionally or not). My enemy is the Evil One who wants to destroy me. My enemy is the sin in myself. It's an anger and bitterness that wants to control and kill me. It's the lies that want to destroy me.
I wonder how many arguments, how much anger could be squashed if I remembered who the real enemy is. People? No. Evil? Satan? YES!!!
2 Corinthians 10:3-6 NIV
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete."
Let's fight, friends! But let's fight the right enemies. Let's know who they are, and when we know, we can fight them, letting bitterness fall and crack and die. Letting love swish through and heal again . . .
As I came to sit down and type though, I wasn't planning on typing on fingernail polish or Josh Wilson songs though. I came with an intent on staining my thoughts onto a blog post, thoughts about . . . enemies.
One of the favorite sermons I remember hearing from my pastor back home was on Nehemiah, and one of his points was simple BUT SO PROFOUND.
Know Your Enemy.
I walked into a weekend confused. So confused. I tried to remember this point though.
Know Your Enemy.
My enemies . . .
anger.
bitterness.
fear.
disobedience.
Satan.
My enemies are not the ones who hurt me (whether intentionally or not). My enemy is the Evil One who wants to destroy me. My enemy is the sin in myself. It's an anger and bitterness that wants to control and kill me. It's the lies that want to destroy me.
I wonder how many arguments, how much anger could be squashed if I remembered who the real enemy is. People? No. Evil? Satan? YES!!!
2 Corinthians 10:3-6 NIV
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete."
Let's fight, friends! But let's fight the right enemies. Let's know who they are, and when we know, we can fight them, letting bitterness fall and crack and die. Letting love swish through and heal again . . .
Sunday, February 6, 2011
It Will Be Okay
I wonder how many times it took David to write his Psalms. Or does the Word of God simply flow from God's heart, to His people's pens, to the papyrus pages? And I wonder how many times I would have to draft a psalm right now. I'm afraid that a real honest Psalm would be full of jagged pieces and raw wounds, bleeding, waiting to be healed. I've cried before plenty of times, but to truly lose someone in a certain way, this is a grief I had never experienced before. I don't know how to handle the cresting waves but to give in to the rise and fall and lean on a friend when they hit their downward undulation. I don't know how to let Jesus in, except by the sentence prayers, the few words, the wheezing, gasping breaths of "save me," "i need You," "help me," "not sure how I'm gonna do it this time, Lord." I haven't been praying these often. Sometimes I forget that the small prayers are important prayers. Resolution: Pray these prayers. Starting now.
I asked one of my good friends who has been holding me up, letting me walk straight through it, to feel it, I asked her to give me a number between 1 and 160. "57" took me to the fifty-seventh Psalm. Words.
verse 1 -3 NIV
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
for in You my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings
until the disaster has passed.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who fulfills His purpose for me.
He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me; Selah
God sends His love and His faithfulness."
And these words . . . I don't feel very steadfast. I'm trying. To be steadfast on Him.
verse 7
"My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music."
I wonder if David was trying to convince himself, to make the statement and live it. This is my choice: Steadfastness. Trying to worship through it. It isn't easy.
"Do you want me to give you another number?"
"Sure"
"113"
Psalm 113 verse 3
"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised."
The sun rose and peaked glorious. Now, it's time for it to set. Oh is this hard. Sheesh . . . I had no idea. This process widens my heart with a deeper understanding for those hurting. That fact doesn't make it easier. This still stinks.
But threaded through . . . "His Love endures forever."
"Help me, Jesus."
Verses 7-8
"He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
He sets them with princes,
with the princes of their people."
He is a good Father. I am so grateful that He is strong, that He's been strong enough to hold my questions, strong enough that I can trust that He will love me even when I don't feel "Christian" through the pain. He is my Security. Ah, I gravitate toward security. And while I can't find it fully here on this dusty earth, I can find it in One who never leaves. A Heavenly Father.
And to you, dear friend, if you ever happen to revisit this page again, please know that I care so much, that you shouldn't be sorry for causing the pain. You didn't cause it. It's not really anyone's fault. Sometimes, pain's just the way God has to love His kids. We'll get it someday. For now, we walk through it, sometimes stumbling, sometimes crying, screaming but still walking. Through it. Not around it. Not behind it. Through it. Someday, we'll get it.
It will be okay.
I asked one of my good friends who has been holding me up, letting me walk straight through it, to feel it, I asked her to give me a number between 1 and 160. "57" took me to the fifty-seventh Psalm. Words.
verse 1 -3 NIV
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
for in You my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings
until the disaster has passed.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who fulfills His purpose for me.
He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me; Selah
God sends His love and His faithfulness."
And these words . . . I don't feel very steadfast. I'm trying. To be steadfast on Him.
verse 7
"My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music."
I wonder if David was trying to convince himself, to make the statement and live it. This is my choice: Steadfastness. Trying to worship through it. It isn't easy.
"Do you want me to give you another number?"
"Sure"
"113"
Psalm 113 verse 3
"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised."
The sun rose and peaked glorious. Now, it's time for it to set. Oh is this hard. Sheesh . . . I had no idea. This process widens my heart with a deeper understanding for those hurting. That fact doesn't make it easier. This still stinks.
But threaded through . . . "His Love endures forever."
"Help me, Jesus."
Verses 7-8
"He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
He sets them with princes,
with the princes of their people."
He is a good Father. I am so grateful that He is strong, that He's been strong enough to hold my questions, strong enough that I can trust that He will love me even when I don't feel "Christian" through the pain. He is my Security. Ah, I gravitate toward security. And while I can't find it fully here on this dusty earth, I can find it in One who never leaves. A Heavenly Father.
And to you, dear friend, if you ever happen to revisit this page again, please know that I care so much, that you shouldn't be sorry for causing the pain. You didn't cause it. It's not really anyone's fault. Sometimes, pain's just the way God has to love His kids. We'll get it someday. For now, we walk through it, sometimes stumbling, sometimes crying, screaming but still walking. Through it. Not around it. Not behind it. Through it. Someday, we'll get it.
It will be okay.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Eight Hundred Gifts
I whisper the sentence a few times in most every deep prayer.
"I am unworthy, I am unworthy, I am unworthy."
It's remembering the dust from which You have called me and dreamed me. There is no sufficient reason for grace.
But I sit in Your presence and let it work in me and fill me and change me.
Let me always turn to say "Thank You." Not once, not twice, but a thousand times a thousand times. Here's a continuation of a list I started probably over a year ago. I'm on a journey to record a 1000 things of gratefulness.
786. The blue, cloudless sky on a winter day . . . to step into sunlight.
787. That I am surrounded by good friends, north stars pointing me in His direction.
788. That Jesus sent me a sweet friend to just be there when I needed someone so much to just be there Monday night.
789. Moments of stillness, opportunities to soak in His presence. To be redeemed.
790. The way that I could survive and be alert with only 4 hours of sleep on Monday (and no naps! *smile*). God gives strength.
791. For another friend being there to give me a hug, to pray for me, and to share her heart and struggles. Beauty is in the being real. Honest.
792. Chocolate milk. Mmm. :)
793. The different shades of blue as the sun set in city.
794. That I can trust the Lord because He loves me, because He sees a picture I can't see. I can fall in His arms.
795. For a full gas tank. That I have money to fill it right now.
796. Being able to go home this past weekend with good friend, being able to share a piece of me.
797. Ann Voskamp's quote
798. The Living Word of God. 2nd Corinthians.
799. That God is showing me how much I need Him. That He must be King.
800. "Reign in Us" by Starfield.
Let me lie on Your palace floor, Lord. I'm not worthy to stand in Your presence, yet You let me in and love me. You change me and move me here. Alleluia! I love You. Break me to surrender.
"I am unworthy, I am unworthy, I am unworthy."
It's remembering the dust from which You have called me and dreamed me. There is no sufficient reason for grace.
But I sit in Your presence and let it work in me and fill me and change me.
Let me always turn to say "Thank You." Not once, not twice, but a thousand times a thousand times. Here's a continuation of a list I started probably over a year ago. I'm on a journey to record a 1000 things of gratefulness.
786. The blue, cloudless sky on a winter day . . . to step into sunlight.
787. That I am surrounded by good friends, north stars pointing me in His direction.
788. That Jesus sent me a sweet friend to just be there when I needed someone so much to just be there Monday night.
789. Moments of stillness, opportunities to soak in His presence. To be redeemed.
790. The way that I could survive and be alert with only 4 hours of sleep on Monday (and no naps! *smile*). God gives strength.
791. For another friend being there to give me a hug, to pray for me, and to share her heart and struggles. Beauty is in the being real. Honest.
792. Chocolate milk. Mmm. :)
793. The different shades of blue as the sun set in city.
794. That I can trust the Lord because He loves me, because He sees a picture I can't see. I can fall in His arms.
795. For a full gas tank. That I have money to fill it right now.
796. Being able to go home this past weekend with good friend, being able to share a piece of me.
797. Ann Voskamp's quote
"Poor communication doesn’t disconnect souls. It’s the disconnected souls who poorly communicate. I am learning.
Words may only magnify the fractures."
798. The Living Word of God. 2nd Corinthians.
799. That God is showing me how much I need Him. That He must be King.
800. "Reign in Us" by Starfield.
Let me lie on Your palace floor, Lord. I'm not worthy to stand in Your presence, yet You let me in and love me. You change me and move me here. Alleluia! I love You. Break me to surrender.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Pearls
I am hungry.
My mind sneaks into thoughts of taco time and smells meat cooking and
Ashamed.
You are what I really want.
I don't always think to think this.
Do You know?
Sometimes, I think I want other things.
Like snap-quick fulfillments,
Desires dunked in sugar and served in seconds.
And then the pangs set in.
The emptiness playing songs in my stomach.
This is what you think you need to survive.
There is so much more.
Jesus.
You are all.
You teach me in the giving.
And as I give,
You lace a string of pearls in my palm.
Undeserved.
Not asked for.
You teach me what I really need.
Love.
My mind sneaks into thoughts of taco time and smells meat cooking and
Ashamed.
You are what I really want.
I don't always think to think this.
Do You know?
Sometimes, I think I want other things.
Like snap-quick fulfillments,
Desires dunked in sugar and served in seconds.
And then the pangs set in.
The emptiness playing songs in my stomach.
This is what you think you need to survive.
There is so much more.
Jesus.
You are all.
You teach me in the giving.
And as I give,
You lace a string of pearls in my palm.
Undeserved.
Not asked for.
You teach me what I really need.
Love.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
To Catch Your Answer
Oh Lord, will You remain silent?
I need Your mercy like my first waking breath,
And I sputter and cough without it.
Maybe the answer was right.
Yet the heart refused to open enough
To catch Your answer.
Like my first waking breath,
I need You.
You are my Father.
You've promised to never leave, never forsake. me.
You've told me You discipline Your children.
We are not cast away from You forever.
Sputter and cough without it,
That. The grace. Without the peace.
And it is beginning to come.
The Love that banishes the fear.
Away, away, and breathe in sweet, true love.
Maybe the answer was right.
And fear barricaded hope.
Maybe the answer now is Trust Me.
Oh Jesus, let me fall in Your arms.
Trusting.
To open enough,
To receive a second chance.
Redemption.
Promise.
"Yes" and "Amen" . . . Let it be so.
To catch Your answer,
This is enough.
To glorify Your name.
This is enough.
To rise above failure
Because I truly am unworthy.
The facts remain.
Your grace is stronger.
And as these words have spilled,
I am more free.
The questions are not fully answered,
But the questions are sifting and setting.
And that which remains amongst burnt rubble:
Trust. Ransom. Forgiveness.
I need Your mercy like my first waking breath,
And I sputter and cough without it.
Maybe the answer was right.
Yet the heart refused to open enough
To catch Your answer.
Like my first waking breath,
I need You.
You are my Father.
You've promised to never leave, never forsake. me.
You've told me You discipline Your children.
We are not cast away from You forever.
Sputter and cough without it,
That. The grace. Without the peace.
And it is beginning to come.
The Love that banishes the fear.
Away, away, and breathe in sweet, true love.
Maybe the answer was right.
And fear barricaded hope.
Maybe the answer now is Trust Me.
Oh Jesus, let me fall in Your arms.
Trusting.
To open enough,
To receive a second chance.
Redemption.
Promise.
"Yes" and "Amen" . . . Let it be so.
To catch Your answer,
This is enough.
To glorify Your name.
This is enough.
To rise above failure
Because I truly am unworthy.
The facts remain.
Your grace is stronger.
And as these words have spilled,
I am more free.
The questions are not fully answered,
But the questions are sifting and setting.
And that which remains amongst burnt rubble:
Trust. Ransom. Forgiveness.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Twenty Eleven
Twenty Eleven.
The year is new and shines fresh and promising. By the end of the year, I'm sure things will be different. The year will possibly end with chips and dents in it, maybe a couple of scratches, but that's okay. I hope for nothing less because I want to LIVE this year.
And twenty eleven begins with a promise. With hundreds of promises actually. From the King of all. And there's been one particular promise that He has shown me, that has been speaking to me, lifting me up and giving me courage within the past few months. I figure it would be a pretty good way to start out a new year.
Philippians 1:6 NLT
"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
I don't remember when it was this past year that this verse really popped out at me, but it has blessed me so much and excites me! I've heard it for so long, but it didn't really change me until these past few months.
You see, when I read this verse, this is what I get. When God saved me, He began a good work in me, started working in my heart, in my life, and this verse to me is a promise that HE WON'T GIVE UP ON ME! It means that He's not just going to put down His work in me. Rather, I can be CONFIDENT that He will change my heart and keep making me like Him so that I WON'T be the same this time next year. I won't be the same a month from now. He'll keep working until the work is finished.
This verse also really helped calm a fear I was struggling with. You see, there's this particular prayer request that's been on my mind fairly often, and I've been kind of worried that I wouldn't really listen to the answer, that I'd choose against God's heart. And then Jesus brings Philippians into my heart. Jesus has the power to change my heart and my desires and my mind. He'll give me enough strength to make the right decision if He is my choice. Granted, that's no promise that it will be easy if I am asked to give up what I want to hold on to, but it reminds me that Jesus will keep working on me and will give me the tools to answer Him with a "Yes, Lord." We're still on His Potter's Wheel, friends! Mmm . . . a good thing!
I walk into this year with promise. That Jesus has plans to change me, work in me in 2011. I am excited for this!
I walk into this year with communion, with the reminder that His blood has cleaned me new, that I am no longer just danae but HIS.
I walk into this year with excitement for the adventures and memories ahead. There are so many possibilities for this year. Possibilities for deeper friendships and learning more about Jesus and maybe gaining direction for my life.
I walk into this year with resolutions. Well, I'm still working on them. I still have some thinking to do, but Pastor Phil reminded us this Sunday that where there is no vision, the peoples perish. We must have goals. We must be reaching for something, or we will never grow. The prayer is courage, that we will be brave enough to set BIG goals, SCARY goals because He is a BIG God, and He wants to take us farther than we think we can go. It's ADVENTURE! You ready? I'll go with you! Let's RUN!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV
The year is new and shines fresh and promising. By the end of the year, I'm sure things will be different. The year will possibly end with chips and dents in it, maybe a couple of scratches, but that's okay. I hope for nothing less because I want to LIVE this year.
And twenty eleven begins with a promise. With hundreds of promises actually. From the King of all. And there's been one particular promise that He has shown me, that has been speaking to me, lifting me up and giving me courage within the past few months. I figure it would be a pretty good way to start out a new year.
Philippians 1:6 NLT
"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
I don't remember when it was this past year that this verse really popped out at me, but it has blessed me so much and excites me! I've heard it for so long, but it didn't really change me until these past few months.
You see, when I read this verse, this is what I get. When God saved me, He began a good work in me, started working in my heart, in my life, and this verse to me is a promise that HE WON'T GIVE UP ON ME! It means that He's not just going to put down His work in me. Rather, I can be CONFIDENT that He will change my heart and keep making me like Him so that I WON'T be the same this time next year. I won't be the same a month from now. He'll keep working until the work is finished.
This verse also really helped calm a fear I was struggling with. You see, there's this particular prayer request that's been on my mind fairly often, and I've been kind of worried that I wouldn't really listen to the answer, that I'd choose against God's heart. And then Jesus brings Philippians into my heart. Jesus has the power to change my heart and my desires and my mind. He'll give me enough strength to make the right decision if He is my choice. Granted, that's no promise that it will be easy if I am asked to give up what I want to hold on to, but it reminds me that Jesus will keep working on me and will give me the tools to answer Him with a "Yes, Lord." We're still on His Potter's Wheel, friends! Mmm . . . a good thing!
I walk into this year with promise. That Jesus has plans to change me, work in me in 2011. I am excited for this!
I walk into this year with communion, with the reminder that His blood has cleaned me new, that I am no longer just danae but HIS.
I walk into this year with excitement for the adventures and memories ahead. There are so many possibilities for this year. Possibilities for deeper friendships and learning more about Jesus and maybe gaining direction for my life.
I walk into this year with resolutions. Well, I'm still working on them. I still have some thinking to do, but Pastor Phil reminded us this Sunday that where there is no vision, the peoples perish. We must have goals. We must be reaching for something, or we will never grow. The prayer is courage, that we will be brave enough to set BIG goals, SCARY goals because He is a BIG God, and He wants to take us farther than we think we can go. It's ADVENTURE! You ready? I'll go with you! Let's RUN!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV
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