Gray and Green

The sky was gray and the fields a marvelous green, and it was late, but I still knew it would be good for me to get out and walk for awhile to my road's nearest "T" and back a few times. There were still swatches of white light filtered through the clouds. The rain holding back for then.

And sometimes, the gray and the green are perfect colors for God-with-man walks.


God, I'm so confused and tired of fighting and thinking and this feeling of being so fake and my thoughts not even sounding like me anymore. I don't know about these things, Jesus!

danae, what do you know?What have I taught you?

And I spoke it. The clouds and the green blades my witnesses. For there are things I do know.

God, You are the One who sees me, who looks after me (Hagar).

You provide. On the Mount of the LORD, it will be provided (Abraham).

YHWH, this year, You've showed me that You are strong, that You can handle my emotions.

Father, I know that You are involved in the details of my life. That YOU, Creator, Nation Mover, Powerful God, that YOU are involved in my life, involved enough to speak into my heart situations.

I know that I am wanted. You WANT me, Jesus! I don't know why, but You've showed me that this is really true.

I know that I can trust You. Trust You to change me, to get me where I need to be. I love You.

God, this year, You've taught me about the importance of being honest with others, of living in transparent community. Living life with people.


And the sky opened a little and water sprinkled against my face.
And it was Jesus, and I closed my eyes and felt Him touching me.

I'm learning that it is a beautiful thing to live life open to God. I know that He knows everything about my life, but when I try to live in Him, trying to expose myself and live naked before Him like Eve in Eden, when I try to say how I'm feeling so I'm sharing it and opening myself to Him, then I am more free. I'm open.

And when I'm open . . . He can reach down and touch me. Even if it comes in rain drops against my face.

I'm still confused about some things, but it sure helps to be open. And really, there are very important things that I am NOT confused about. These I hold on to.

Thank You so much, Jesus, for going on that walk with me. You held my hand, Most High, didn't You? You are my Healer, and I love You. Thank You for touching me.

Jesus-Centric, Bible-Middle

Today, I visited a relatively new church in my little town. Abiding Life. There were maybe around 15 people there. I LOVED it! The Pastor led the worship and the sermon, and he said a quote based off of something Philip Yancey said that stuck. After it hit me across the head . . .

It went something along the lines of this:

People get angry at those who sin differently than they do.


Ha Ha . . Ha. Ha. Oh wait a minute!
That's what I do, isn't it?

Ouch.


I don't think I had ever heard this before, but it fit perfectly with something that I've been thinking over. My Gospel's professor at Multnomah said something I had never heard before. He said that we should never ever be more liberal than the Bible, nor should we be more conservative. We need to hit Bible-middle. This was so new to me because my mind is bent to think that being conservative is the key, or at least that if I'm going to hit an extreme, being conservative would be better. I had never really let it sink in that it could be just as wrong, that really, being too conservative is often a blinding force because it allows us to see other people's sins while our own are hidden under our conservative shield. It's easy to get angry at other people's sins . . . especially when they're not the "conservative sins" that I commit constantly without exposing them.

Praise Jesus for His grace, that I was able to hear that message. Oh how I need His washing, a cleaning of my heart and mind. The fluid of Jesus' blood spilling into and through every cell of my soul. I don't want to get caught on other people's sin. I want to be healed of my own, and in so doing, focus on the Grace of Jesus, focus on giving that Grace to others. And Truth. (Thanks, Pastor Steve, for showing me the importance of both) I want to be Jesus-centric, Bible-middle. I want to focus on the right things and be grounded in the Love of God. It's a day by day transformation when He's running the show. And He's a great Transformer. (Even a murderer can become an evangelist [[Paul]], a thief becomes a disciple [[Matthew]] . . . what could He do with us?)

I feel like this was kind of a different blog post than normal, but that quote really hit home with me. I need to do some more thinking on it. :) Thank you for taking the time to read my thought processes. I am grateful for you! Happy brand new week! May Jesus work in your life beautifully and wash us clean. He is so good to us!

I Am Rich From A Week Of Gifts

Oh goodness . . . it has been too long since I've blogged. I was looking through some of my blog drafts that I never got around to publishing. Maybe someday I will share them, but today, I think it's time to write a "Thanks" blog. It has been such a good week!

God of Heaven, You provide me with good things, satisfy me with Your goodness. "We are filled with the good things of Your house, of Your holy temple." Every good and perfect gift is from You, oh Father of lights. Thank You so much:

838\\ For my walk with my friend to Safeway

839\\ For the way my friend loved Gary for You, Jesus

840\\ Running in dress and flip flops with red balloons

841\\ My friend's birthday . . . celebrating your daughter, Jesus

842\\ Friend curling my hair and sun shining beautiful

843\\ Response to an e-mail, made me feel better

844\\ My Hope must be in You, Jesus. You showed me that this week.

845\\ "Pink Mist" falling from the beautiful flowering trees here

846\\ No 8am classes this past week! PTL

847\\ Friend trying to scare me and then walking with me, hanging out

848\\ Sitting long at dinner on Friday night with two friends

849\\ Working out with above friends (S and A), ending it with a walk around part of school, just talking.

850\\ Long talk with S in the A-frame, listening to her heart.

851\\ Last philosophy paper . . . Turned In!

852\\ Making paper airplanes at the school's quirky Paper Airplane Station. :)

853\\ Laughing through this week . . . felt really good.

854\\ A new sweatshirt and dress from Memorial's Free pile! ha! :)

855\\ Car ride to Dallas with friend

856\\ Mother's Day Brunch at Aunt CZ's, being with family

857\\ Cousin's gift of two books! I'm SO EXCITED!!!

858\\ Chocolate covered strawberries

859\\ Laughing at dinner with my friends about irony and orange lungs and bananas and how single people text back really fast . . . hahahaha. INSIDE JOKES! *Yes!*

860\\ That You, God, are with me . . . even in another transition time and as I get ready to leave for home. This is good for me, isn't it? Please help me though. It's kinda crazy.

861\\ You listen to me, Jesus. Thank You.

862\\ Doing Chinese Fire Drills around the Girls Dorm with Roommate :)

863\\ Picture of You putting Your face right in front of mine, Jesus, and holding my face in Your hands during chapel this week.

864\\ Unexpected facebook message from friend

865\\ Psalms 65

Thank You, Maker! You have made me rich, have filled me with Good Things. :)This really has been an overall good week. Thank You so much! "Your love is so extravagant." Thank You!!!

Oh Ants

These are a few of my favorite things . . .

adult gummy vitamins
messages left on my voice mail
red finger nail polish
sunny days in pdx
powerful Good Friday services
balloons


But these pale in comparison to the things on my top favorite things list. :)

There's this song.

"Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness."
And I'm mesmerized by LIGHT.

Follow me . . . this may seem like I'm trailing, but there's purpose.

Yesterday, I was sitting on a picnic bench, and I was thinking about ants and how crazy it would be if I became an ant and came into their world and tried to save the little creatures from a destruction they couldn't see. No, wait, . . . this doesn't quite work. Imagine if I was a very intelligent biologist who studied ants. I knew everything about them in fact. Knew how they looked, how they functioned, what they liked best to eat, where they would hide when the storm came. Everything. And as the very intelligent biologist that I am, I could see that these ants were diseased, and they could only be saved by a pure ant's blood. So, being a kind intelligent biologist, I decided I'd turn myself into an ant, live their life, and let them hurt me so they could take my blood.

Please tell me you're shaking your head right now, 'cause friend, this is just plain ridiculous!!! NO WAY would I sign up to be an ant. Sorry, but I'm quite happy with my human status. Plus, that would be extremely dorky.



.....................................................................................






Yeah. Doesn't make sense to me. Doesn't make sense to me at all why an All Powerful God would put on our skin. Why He would come, dressed in common humanity (He didn't even make Himself the most physically attractive person ever --- He could have, but Isaiah says He didn't). Doesn't make sense why He would be patient with our ignorance in not understanding the power of Him being the Maker of our eyelashes and heart valves and rib cages. That He was the One in complete control through it all.

Doesn't make sense why He would care to save us. Ants. Smears and smudges on His once-perfect-world's canvas. We are darkness. We are hidden in it and immersed in it, and He stepped into our world to reach our hearts, to be our God.

In one of my classes, one student played a song sung in Korean that portrayed Jesus' coming from a different point of view, and through that, the idea stuck out to me that we must remember that God has actually, physically been here. There are physical dates attached to when He stepped foot here. There is a legitimate month and day and year when the nails split through the flesh of His hands and sent the blood spilling. There is an exact time when He breathed His last. There is a definitive moment when He left the tomb. It's legitimate history. It's our story. It's redemption and light and beauty!! It is HOPE. And every year, I wish I could understand it so much more, and every year, while I still am so far from realizing what Jesus truly did, I maybe get it just a very tiny bit more around this Easter time of year. And I'm excited. Excited to celebrate LIGHT coming into the World. Light rising from death.

Jesus winning against death, springing into our hearts as Light . . . these are on my top favorite things list. Light. Jesus. He's my favorite.

I hope you have a beautiful Resurrection Day, that You can celebrate the time when the One True, Real God literally came here. For us . . . ants compared to His greatness. Yet we were worth it to Him.

And He hasn't left us on our own. He has left us with His Spirit, with His light. And these are other things to add to my top favorite thing list . . .

Why THANK YOU!

I have three minutes until I need to scoot out of here and start heading to custodial, but I was so blessed by such great things Jesus put into my day today, and I really wanted to share some of them! So, here's to an April gratitude post!

826)) Thank You, Jesus, for spring sunshine!!! OH MY WORD! I soar under it!

827)) Thank You for my minor spill today in custodial early. . . that it wasn't as bad as it could have been, that each setback is a chance for me to become a better person.

828)) Thank You for Her compliment about my laugh.

829)) Thank You that I got all the homework done I needed to for the day. Day by day. Grace by grace.

830)) Thank You for the random dude on the motorcycle who looked like he was blowing a kiss at me when he passed. It actually could have been sign-language for "thank you," and looking back, it could be very creepy, but it brought some encouragement and random sunshine into my day! haha :) Ya know, sometimes, Jesus just uses the biker dudes. :)

831)) For the humbling in Pothen's class . . . I needed to be reminded that I don't have it all together sometimes.

832)) For the jog/run with my roommate. Love her! Love exercising in sunshine!

833)) A turn signal that seems to be working now.

834)) For doing pretty good with my food intake for the day.

835)) For "Redeemer" by Sanctus Real. "I'm still a dreamer! Still a believer!!!" YES!!!

836)) For driving in sunshine.

837)) For teaching me how frail I am and we are as humans.

Oh How Good He Is.

Have a beautiful day today! Let's keep counting our blessings!!! There are DOZENS of them!!! :)

You Are Fighting For Me

Cut between the fire and the forest,
Oil and water never truly collide.
It hurts to be squished between two loves.

Jesus. I whisper Your name,
Your presence has already filled the hollowness.
Come, Lord Jesus, Come.
Cup my head in Your hands, Jesus.
Keep the bad thoughts out, the lies out. Please.
Please. Please.

Rock me, Father Jehovah.
Will You please sing me the lullabies
You sang over me in her womb?
The sweet songs, I'm sure I'd remember.

You are Rushing Water,
Waves fill me and carry me.
Lullabies, Your arms, the Waves,
Carried through the middle ground,
By danger, By safety,
The intricate paradox.
The Lion is my Father.

Please set the rhythm with Your roars,
Your songs, so I know how to climb
The trees and love the fires.
My safety found in neither.
Only in Love. The Strong One.
You.
Faithful Warrior.

Gratitude for April 9th

It's almost been a month since I've posted last. Part of that's from a restless exhaustion. Haven't had ordered words. Haven't pressed through the wall into creativity. I should try to do that this weekend, try to create beauty. Beauty helps us come alive.

Since I really don't know what I should write about and since I don't have much time, how 'bout a gratitude post? I have much to be thankful for . . . always.

Thank You, Jesus,

(( 801 )) for daffodils on my desk

(( 802 )) for sleeping in the car

(( 803 )) for the way that music can heal

(( 804 )) for the small victory, the 2.8 run/walk with Sarah!! {Thank You!}

(( 805 )) for gentle hands of others

(( 806 )) for a possible summer job

(( 807 )) for a nice-sized grant

(( 808 )) for homework done, accomplishments

(( 809 )) for canceled classes

(( 810 )) for beautiful sunshine on a peaceful friday afternoon

(( 811 )) for not having to go anywhere

(( 812 )) for using me to love

(( 813 )) for shutting doors

(( 814 )) for letting me struggle through some things

(( 815 )) for a car that works

(( 816 )) for air swishing through my lungs

(( 817 )) for days when I'm really not altogether (maybe it helps others feel more comfortable)

(( 818 )) for messed up cupcakes

(( 819 )) for an on-campus job

(( 820 )) for sleeping in. delicious.

(( 821 )) for convicting me

(( 822 )) for times You grow my patience

(( 823 )) for the glimpses of hope in dad's health

(( 824 )) for dreams

(( 825 )) for stretching my mind

You never give up. Thanks. :)