"Let it be said of me that I knew I wasn’t in control. Let it be said that I threw my hands in the air, took the free-fall and found my joy deep in His mysterious river." -therunamuck.com
Oh this free-falling. Jesus? Please help me to see this free-falling as adventure. You and me. Together. We got this.
I don't need to be afraid. I don't need to fear new churches, new friends, new people.
Jesus, there's so much new. New job? New ministry. New room. New year.
Snap-Crack-It!
haha
But we've got this.
You knew.
You knew before You finished shaping my lungs and my toes and my tendons that this free-falling was coming.
You knew.
You know.
You're here.
Now it's time to let go.
Mysterious river. <3 <3
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
I Want to Love You
It's the first Monday I've been home since June 5th. It's incredible. And good . . . to be home. What. A. Summer.
Jesus propped open the door and coaxed me by the light.
To Tadmor.
And crooked danae child tried to find herself in another picture, another world.
And there were a lot of failures.
But between the cracks of cement and sin, floral victories peaked the surface and sprung in radiance.
Yet even with the victories, I still lie dying, trying to figure out how to die gracefully.
How to lay down everything.
And what does it really mean to follow You, Jesus?
You cracked my world a few days back, told me to carry my cross, to come.
Jesus, I don't even know what my cross is? Oh how resistant the soil feels. Is there any good? Can You drip the Living-Water into these cracks to make me soft for You?
To teach me what it means to love You?
And I stand at the end of the summer feeling kind of stuck. Stuck between the past of Tadmor and the present and the future of Multnomah and new church and new people. And are You asking me to step out from all of the things I leaned on? Oh Jesus, I want to be free. I want to love You. In truth.
Amen, Jesus. Amen.
Love,
Yours.
Jesus propped open the door and coaxed me by the light.
To Tadmor.
And crooked danae child tried to find herself in another picture, another world.
And there were a lot of failures.
But between the cracks of cement and sin, floral victories peaked the surface and sprung in radiance.
Yet even with the victories, I still lie dying, trying to figure out how to die gracefully.
How to lay down everything.
And what does it really mean to follow You, Jesus?
You cracked my world a few days back, told me to carry my cross, to come.
Jesus, I don't even know what my cross is? Oh how resistant the soil feels. Is there any good? Can You drip the Living-Water into these cracks to make me soft for You?
To teach me what it means to love You?
And I stand at the end of the summer feeling kind of stuck. Stuck between the past of Tadmor and the present and the future of Multnomah and new church and new people. And are You asking me to step out from all of the things I leaned on? Oh Jesus, I want to be free. I want to love You. In truth.
Amen, Jesus. Amen.
Love,
Yours.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Beautifully There
Oh mercy. It has been way too long since I've been able to blog. This summer wasn't what I had envisioned. Jesus knew.
There's so much to say about these past few weeks of working at Camp Tadmor as an office assistant and member of the program team. But because I need to take a nap to prep for the next two weeks, I want to just do a quick post of my journey with Jesus, how He's reminded me that even in the chaos, He is still so beautifully there.
(And you really should play this music while you read. It's beautiful. :))
Thank You, Jesus. You knew my feet hit the floor,
And I dragged the soles against the dirt
When Your finger pointed out the open door.
And I said "Yes" to Office Assistant and Program
And "Yes" to what I never knew coming,
A ragged tiredness and a frustrated spirit
In myself I'd have to fight.
And sometimes I try to say "Yes" to loneliness and
Walking out of my world.
Into a foreign one that sometimes, seems so polluted
And other times so holy.
And Jesus? It's been kinda rough.
You know.
Oh You know.
And You sent beautiful Words to remind me
Of Truth.
The last paragraph of a letter, I've read and read.
Soaking up truth.
And Jesus, You sent my Dad and Sister to visit me,
Just when I needed them, when I needed the outside world
To break into my own. God timing
And the stars bring healing.
And I was reading in Isaiah, and Mom sent a voice message
With one of the verse I had read.
You spoke to me.
You made sure I wasn't fully alone.
And You prompted her to send an email. Knew I needed prayer.
I was falling apart.
And she wrote a note, and You confirmed it.
I'm supposed to be here now.
I don't know why.
But Jesus, I love You.
And I am astounded at the ways You've loved me this week.
Even when I was such a pitiful, whimpering, whining mess.
Thanks.
Please lead me into a new week.
I can't do this alone.
Please forgive me for the times I've failed You
this week, Jesus. They were so many.
Help me to give my best.
I didn't do that this past week.
I need You, Jesus.
I love You, Friend.
I love You.
There's so much to say about these past few weeks of working at Camp Tadmor as an office assistant and member of the program team. But because I need to take a nap to prep for the next two weeks, I want to just do a quick post of my journey with Jesus, how He's reminded me that even in the chaos, He is still so beautifully there.
(And you really should play this music while you read. It's beautiful. :))
Thank You, Jesus. You knew my feet hit the floor,
And I dragged the soles against the dirt
When Your finger pointed out the open door.
And I said "Yes" to Office Assistant and Program
And "Yes" to what I never knew coming,
A ragged tiredness and a frustrated spirit
In myself I'd have to fight.
And sometimes I try to say "Yes" to loneliness and
Walking out of my world.
Into a foreign one that sometimes, seems so polluted
And other times so holy.
And Jesus? It's been kinda rough.
You know.
Oh You know.
And You sent beautiful Words to remind me
Of Truth.
The last paragraph of a letter, I've read and read.
Soaking up truth.
And Jesus, You sent my Dad and Sister to visit me,
Just when I needed them, when I needed the outside world
To break into my own. God timing
And the stars bring healing.
And I was reading in Isaiah, and Mom sent a voice message
With one of the verse I had read.
You spoke to me.
You made sure I wasn't fully alone.
And You prompted her to send an email. Knew I needed prayer.
I was falling apart.
And she wrote a note, and You confirmed it.
I'm supposed to be here now.
I don't know why.
But Jesus, I love You.
And I am astounded at the ways You've loved me this week.
Even when I was such a pitiful, whimpering, whining mess.
Thanks.
Please lead me into a new week.
I can't do this alone.
Please forgive me for the times I've failed You
this week, Jesus. They were so many.
Help me to give my best.
I didn't do that this past week.
I need You, Jesus.
I love You, Friend.
I love You.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Isaacs
Lately I've been captivated by Abraham's story.
He was an old man who talked to God like He was real.
He was an old man who felt the promise of His God swell within the womb of his wife. His child.
He was an old man who believed in God enough to grasp the knife, to hold it high above the body of his precious, only son. And he was strong enough to dig that knife into the boy's flesh, except that God's mercy kept him from killing his promise.
But he was flesh and human and real, and he wasn't prepared to kill the boy without reason. Abraham wasn't simply giving up Isaac out of a weak surrender. He was giving Isaac up, not passively, but with great faith in God's goodness, in His promise. He knew that Jehovah God could raise Isaac back (Heb 11:19), even after the blade had pierced the neck.
Abraham's act of offering Isaac would have been virtually worthless if not for Abraham's faith, His hope being placed in Almighty God's ability to make things right in the end.
And sometimes, God asks me to give up my loves, the people and plans that have become a part of me. But let me always refuse to simply give them up. Because this is no act of sacrifice. That is bitter drudgery. Rather, when He calls, let me open my hands and give, realizing that He very well could give back. But if He doesn't, it is not because this is the end, but because He sees an end story I don't know. And it will all be alright.
I will confess though, there's been one piece of my heart that God asked for awhile back. I've struggled, felt like it truly wasn't fair that He would grant a good gift and ask for it back (maybe I should have written this in present tense. ahem). That is my honest, raw heart's struggle. And especially after reading Psalms, I've come to the conclusion that it's okay to be honest with Jesus, to tell Him how I'm feeling, even that I don't understand sometimes. But, I was also reminded yesterday that there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. Ann Voskamp writes these words that tip me off into balance:
The difference is an unwavering faith, in coming to God, knowing who He is.
The difference in the sacrifice of Isaac is in unwavering faith, in offering to God, knowing who He is and what He can do.
And I find that there is so much more to this "Be still and knowing" then I ever imagined when God gripped my heart with it a year ago. In these moments of knife wielding and heart crying, I must always remember . . . to quiet myself and to know who really is God. And what that means that He is God. And this is faith and this is my lifeline and this really is the only way, the only strength to offer my Isaacs. Faith. Hope in a God of goodness.
*Picture from: http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/abraham/abraham.html*
He was an old man who talked to God like He was real.
He was an old man who felt the promise of His God swell within the womb of his wife. His child.
He was an old man who believed in God enough to grasp the knife, to hold it high above the body of his precious, only son. And he was strong enough to dig that knife into the boy's flesh, except that God's mercy kept him from killing his promise.
But he was flesh and human and real, and he wasn't prepared to kill the boy without reason. Abraham wasn't simply giving up Isaac out of a weak surrender. He was giving Isaac up, not passively, but with great faith in God's goodness, in His promise. He knew that Jehovah God could raise Isaac back (Heb 11:19), even after the blade had pierced the neck.
Abraham's act of offering Isaac would have been virtually worthless if not for Abraham's faith, His hope being placed in Almighty God's ability to make things right in the end.
And sometimes, God asks me to give up my loves, the people and plans that have become a part of me. But let me always refuse to simply give them up. Because this is no act of sacrifice. That is bitter drudgery. Rather, when He calls, let me open my hands and give, realizing that He very well could give back. But if He doesn't, it is not because this is the end, but because He sees an end story I don't know. And it will all be alright.
I will confess though, there's been one piece of my heart that God asked for awhile back. I've struggled, felt like it truly wasn't fair that He would grant a good gift and ask for it back (maybe I should have written this in present tense. ahem). That is my honest, raw heart's struggle. And especially after reading Psalms, I've come to the conclusion that it's okay to be honest with Jesus, to tell Him how I'm feeling, even that I don't understand sometimes. But, I was also reminded yesterday that there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. Ann Voskamp writes these words that tip me off into balance:
Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His heart to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father's heart. God's anger kindles hot when the essence of the complaint implies doubt in His love . . . Lament is this long learning . . . (One Thousand Gifts pg 175)
The difference is an unwavering faith, in coming to God, knowing who He is.
The difference in the sacrifice of Isaac is in unwavering faith, in offering to God, knowing who He is and what He can do.
And I find that there is so much more to this "Be still and knowing" then I ever imagined when God gripped my heart with it a year ago. In these moments of knife wielding and heart crying, I must always remember . . . to quiet myself and to know who really is God. And what that means that He is God. And this is faith and this is my lifeline and this really is the only way, the only strength to offer my Isaacs. Faith. Hope in a God of goodness.
*Picture from: http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/abraham/abraham.html*
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Gray and Green
The sky was gray and the fields a marvelous green, and it was late, but I still knew it would be good for me to get out and walk for awhile to my road's nearest "T" and back a few times. There were still swatches of white light filtered through the clouds. The rain holding back for then.
And sometimes, the gray and the green are perfect colors for God-with-man walks.
God, I'm so confused and tired of fighting and thinking and this feeling of being so fake and my thoughts not even sounding like me anymore. I don't know about these things, Jesus!
danae, what do you know?What have I taught you?
And I spoke it. The clouds and the green blades my witnesses. For there are things I do know.
God, You are the One who sees me, who looks after me (Hagar).
You provide. On the Mount of the LORD, it will be provided (Abraham).
YHWH, this year, You've showed me that You are strong, that You can handle my emotions.
Father, I know that You are involved in the details of my life. That YOU, Creator, Nation Mover, Powerful God, that YOU are involved in my life, involved enough to speak into my heart situations.
I know that I am wanted. You WANT me, Jesus! I don't know why, but You've showed me that this is really true.
I know that I can trust You. Trust You to change me, to get me where I need to be. I love You.
God, this year, You've taught me about the importance of being honest with others, of living in transparent community. Living life with people.
And the sky opened a little and water sprinkled against my face.
And it was Jesus, and I closed my eyes and felt Him touching me.
I'm learning that it is a beautiful thing to live life open to God. I know that He knows everything about my life, but when I try to live in Him, trying to expose myself and live naked before Him like Eve in Eden, when I try to say how I'm feeling so I'm sharing it and opening myself to Him, then I am more free. I'm open.
And when I'm open . . . He can reach down and touch me. Even if it comes in rain drops against my face.
I'm still confused about some things, but it sure helps to be open. And really, there are very important things that I am NOT confused about. These I hold on to.
Thank You so much, Jesus, for going on that walk with me. You held my hand, Most High, didn't You? You are my Healer, and I love You. Thank You for touching me.
And sometimes, the gray and the green are perfect colors for God-with-man walks.
God, I'm so confused and tired of fighting and thinking and this feeling of being so fake and my thoughts not even sounding like me anymore. I don't know about these things, Jesus!
danae, what do you know?What have I taught you?
And I spoke it. The clouds and the green blades my witnesses. For there are things I do know.
God, You are the One who sees me, who looks after me (Hagar).
You provide. On the Mount of the LORD, it will be provided (Abraham).
YHWH, this year, You've showed me that You are strong, that You can handle my emotions.
Father, I know that You are involved in the details of my life. That YOU, Creator, Nation Mover, Powerful God, that YOU are involved in my life, involved enough to speak into my heart situations.
I know that I am wanted. You WANT me, Jesus! I don't know why, but You've showed me that this is really true.
I know that I can trust You. Trust You to change me, to get me where I need to be. I love You.
God, this year, You've taught me about the importance of being honest with others, of living in transparent community. Living life with people.
And the sky opened a little and water sprinkled against my face.
And it was Jesus, and I closed my eyes and felt Him touching me.
I'm learning that it is a beautiful thing to live life open to God. I know that He knows everything about my life, but when I try to live in Him, trying to expose myself and live naked before Him like Eve in Eden, when I try to say how I'm feeling so I'm sharing it and opening myself to Him, then I am more free. I'm open.
And when I'm open . . . He can reach down and touch me. Even if it comes in rain drops against my face.
I'm still confused about some things, but it sure helps to be open. And really, there are very important things that I am NOT confused about. These I hold on to.
Thank You so much, Jesus, for going on that walk with me. You held my hand, Most High, didn't You? You are my Healer, and I love You. Thank You for touching me.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Jesus-Centric, Bible-Middle
Today, I visited a relatively new church in my little town. Abiding Life. There were maybe around 15 people there. I LOVED it! The Pastor led the worship and the sermon, and he said a quote based off of something Philip Yancey said that stuck. After it hit me across the head . . .
It went something along the lines of this:
People get angry at those who sin differently than they do.
Ha Ha . . Ha. Ha. Oh wait a minute!
That's what I do, isn't it?
Ouch.
I don't think I had ever heard this before, but it fit perfectly with something that I've been thinking over. My Gospel's professor at Multnomah said something I had never heard before. He said that we should never ever be more liberal than the Bible, nor should we be more conservative. We need to hit Bible-middle. This was so new to me because my mind is bent to think that being conservative is the key, or at least that if I'm going to hit an extreme, being conservative would be better. I had never really let it sink in that it could be just as wrong, that really, being too conservative is often a blinding force because it allows us to see other people's sins while our own are hidden under our conservative shield. It's easy to get angry at other people's sins . . . especially when they're not the "conservative sins" that I commit constantly without exposing them.
Praise Jesus for His grace, that I was able to hear that message. Oh how I need His washing, a cleaning of my heart and mind. The fluid of Jesus' blood spilling into and through every cell of my soul. I don't want to get caught on other people's sin. I want to be healed of my own, and in so doing, focus on the Grace of Jesus, focus on giving that Grace to others. And Truth. (Thanks, Pastor Steve, for showing me the importance of both) I want to be Jesus-centric, Bible-middle. I want to focus on the right things and be grounded in the Love of God. It's a day by day transformation when He's running the show. And He's a great Transformer. (Even a murderer can become an evangelist [[Paul]], a thief becomes a disciple [[Matthew]] . . . what could He do with us?)
I feel like this was kind of a different blog post than normal, but that quote really hit home with me. I need to do some more thinking on it. :) Thank you for taking the time to read my thought processes. I am grateful for you! Happy brand new week! May Jesus work in your life beautifully and wash us clean. He is so good to us!
It went something along the lines of this:
People get angry at those who sin differently than they do.
Ha Ha . . Ha. Ha. Oh wait a minute!
That's what I do, isn't it?
Ouch.
I don't think I had ever heard this before, but it fit perfectly with something that I've been thinking over. My Gospel's professor at Multnomah said something I had never heard before. He said that we should never ever be more liberal than the Bible, nor should we be more conservative. We need to hit Bible-middle. This was so new to me because my mind is bent to think that being conservative is the key, or at least that if I'm going to hit an extreme, being conservative would be better. I had never really let it sink in that it could be just as wrong, that really, being too conservative is often a blinding force because it allows us to see other people's sins while our own are hidden under our conservative shield. It's easy to get angry at other people's sins . . . especially when they're not the "conservative sins" that I commit constantly without exposing them.
Praise Jesus for His grace, that I was able to hear that message. Oh how I need His washing, a cleaning of my heart and mind. The fluid of Jesus' blood spilling into and through every cell of my soul. I don't want to get caught on other people's sin. I want to be healed of my own, and in so doing, focus on the Grace of Jesus, focus on giving that Grace to others. And Truth. (Thanks, Pastor Steve, for showing me the importance of both) I want to be Jesus-centric, Bible-middle. I want to focus on the right things and be grounded in the Love of God. It's a day by day transformation when He's running the show. And He's a great Transformer. (Even a murderer can become an evangelist [[Paul]], a thief becomes a disciple [[Matthew]] . . . what could He do with us?)
I feel like this was kind of a different blog post than normal, but that quote really hit home with me. I need to do some more thinking on it. :) Thank you for taking the time to read my thought processes. I am grateful for you! Happy brand new week! May Jesus work in your life beautifully and wash us clean. He is so good to us!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I Am Rich From A Week Of Gifts
Oh goodness . . . it has been too long since I've blogged. I was looking through some of my blog drafts that I never got around to publishing. Maybe someday I will share them, but today, I think it's time to write a "Thanks" blog. It has been such a good week!
God of Heaven, You provide me with good things, satisfy me with Your goodness. "We are filled with the good things of Your house, of Your holy temple." Every good and perfect gift is from You, oh Father of lights. Thank You so much:
838\\ For my walk with my friend to Safeway
839\\ For the way my friend loved Gary for You, Jesus
840\\ Running in dress and flip flops with red balloons
841\\ My friend's birthday . . . celebrating your daughter, Jesus
842\\ Friend curling my hair and sun shining beautiful
843\\ Response to an e-mail, made me feel better
844\\ My Hope must be in You, Jesus. You showed me that this week.
845\\ "Pink Mist" falling from the beautiful flowering trees here
846\\ No 8am classes this past week! PTL
847\\ Friend trying to scare me and then walking with me, hanging out
848\\ Sitting long at dinner on Friday night with two friends
849\\ Working out with above friends (S and A), ending it with a walk around part of school, just talking.
850\\ Long talk with S in the A-frame, listening to her heart.
851\\ Last philosophy paper . . . Turned In!
852\\ Making paper airplanes at the school's quirky Paper Airplane Station. :)
853\\ Laughing through this week . . . felt really good.
854\\ A new sweatshirt and dress from Memorial's Free pile! ha! :)
855\\ Car ride to Dallas with friend
856\\ Mother's Day Brunch at Aunt CZ's, being with family
857\\ Cousin's gift of two books! I'm SO EXCITED!!!
858\\ Chocolate covered strawberries
859\\ Laughing at dinner with my friends about irony and orange lungs and bananas and how single people text back really fast . . . hahahaha. INSIDE JOKES! *Yes!*
860\\ That You, God, are with me . . . even in another transition time and as I get ready to leave for home. This is good for me, isn't it? Please help me though. It's kinda crazy.
861\\ You listen to me, Jesus. Thank You.
862\\ Doing Chinese Fire Drills around the Girls Dorm with Roommate :)
863\\ Picture of You putting Your face right in front of mine, Jesus, and holding my face in Your hands during chapel this week.
864\\ Unexpected facebook message from friend
865\\ Psalms 65
Thank You, Maker! You have made me rich, have filled me with Good Things. :)This really has been an overall good week. Thank You so much! "Your love is so extravagant." Thank You!!!
God of Heaven, You provide me with good things, satisfy me with Your goodness. "We are filled with the good things of Your house, of Your holy temple." Every good and perfect gift is from You, oh Father of lights. Thank You so much:
838\\ For my walk with my friend to Safeway
839\\ For the way my friend loved Gary for You, Jesus
840\\ Running in dress and flip flops with red balloons
841\\ My friend's birthday . . . celebrating your daughter, Jesus
842\\ Friend curling my hair and sun shining beautiful
843\\ Response to an e-mail, made me feel better
844\\ My Hope must be in You, Jesus. You showed me that this week.
845\\ "Pink Mist" falling from the beautiful flowering trees here
846\\ No 8am classes this past week! PTL
847\\ Friend trying to scare me and then walking with me, hanging out
848\\ Sitting long at dinner on Friday night with two friends
849\\ Working out with above friends (S and A), ending it with a walk around part of school, just talking.
850\\ Long talk with S in the A-frame, listening to her heart.
851\\ Last philosophy paper . . . Turned In!
852\\ Making paper airplanes at the school's quirky Paper Airplane Station. :)
853\\ Laughing through this week . . . felt really good.
854\\ A new sweatshirt and dress from Memorial's Free pile! ha! :)
855\\ Car ride to Dallas with friend
856\\ Mother's Day Brunch at Aunt CZ's, being with family
857\\ Cousin's gift of two books! I'm SO EXCITED!!!
858\\ Chocolate covered strawberries
859\\ Laughing at dinner with my friends about irony and orange lungs and bananas and how single people text back really fast . . . hahahaha. INSIDE JOKES! *Yes!*
860\\ That You, God, are with me . . . even in another transition time and as I get ready to leave for home. This is good for me, isn't it? Please help me though. It's kinda crazy.
861\\ You listen to me, Jesus. Thank You.
862\\ Doing Chinese Fire Drills around the Girls Dorm with Roommate :)
863\\ Picture of You putting Your face right in front of mine, Jesus, and holding my face in Your hands during chapel this week.
864\\ Unexpected facebook message from friend
865\\ Psalms 65
Thank You, Maker! You have made me rich, have filled me with Good Things. :)This really has been an overall good week. Thank You so much! "Your love is so extravagant." Thank You!!!
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