31 Days of . . . Prayer

There's this new gig happening this month among a huge crowd of Christian blogging women who are committing to writing a blog post daily for the whole month of October on a certain topic of their choice. (You can click here to find links of several women who are accepting the challenge, and some of them have AMAZING ideas!)

Well, if you know me, you may know that I'm a sucker for new resolutions (whether for a new year, new week, new month, . . . you name it!). I also love to blog, so I'm jumping on board. (I just said that, didn't I? Committed.)

My topic of choice? Prayer. After looking at some of the other topics just now, I left feeling like this seemed kind of "common" and uncreative, but the truth is, it's so very important, and I trust that this could be extremely powerful for me, so I'm taking a leap. This may be more of a journey for me than it may be for someone reading this little space o' mine, but I welcome you to follow along, asking that you would be patient and gracious with me. I'm going to need it! Smile.

I don't totally have a plan yet as to what this will look like, though I hope it will involve me sharing different ways I'm learning to pray or different methods I find to help me remember to pray, etc. I'm excited!! I feel like this has so much potential to be a tunnel into growth for me.

Also, at the end of each post, I'll try to share a characteristic that I'll be praying for in that day. I have a praying-through-the-month list inside my closet door that I received at a Women's Conference awhile back. It gives one characteristic per day for which to pray. For Day 1, the prayer is for PURITY.

Well, I humbly thank you for reading along! I'd love to hear your insights into prayer as well. Maybe we can help each other along through this. :) Have a lovely night and a wonderful October!

Dear Father,

Thank You for loving me and giving me a love for words. Would You please speak to me and teach me as I enter this prayer journey, as I type out my words here in order to find and share creative ways to search for You? Please help me to be faithful and consistent. I need Your strength, even in the little things like blogging for 31 days. Please help me.

Jesus, here I am. Thank You that You've promised to keep working on me. Please clean me out, Jesus. Make me PURE -- like You.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.

Thank You for Blood Red

Almost all of my inner circle of friends know that occasionally, I get very blood dripping nose bleeds. Yep. Gross. The crazy, funny thing is that I get them at the most AWKWARD, CREATIVE times! Ha! :) I've gotten them in the airport when it was time to step onto the plane. I've had one in church. I get them in the shower, and in the past, I've woken up to them. I've gotten a gushing one on a date. Now THAT was funny. Definitely created a memory!! :) One I got during a convocation chapel when it was all serious, and I couldn't really get out of my chair. I got one during a New Years party. Yeah. You get the picture.

But even though they can be gross and sometimes very awkward, I'm thankful for them. They're the trigger that reminds me of Jesus. And sometimes, it's a trigger of comic relief. :)

Last week, I was sitting on a dorm room floor of one of my dear friends. I was sharing with her my grey, hard day, and she prayed, and I cried. Oh how good it feels to cry some days. And after she hugged me, and I just sat, tears falling, I wiped my nose, and . . . BLOOD!!!!!!!!! How Did You Guess?! haha :) Oh but it made me laugh. Of course. :) Of course it would come at this time. And my sweet friend was so gracious, and I hopped up and headed to the bathroom, laughing and bleeding and thankful for God's silly sense of humor. :) He is good, and I love the way He reminds me that He's here. He is. I'm so thankful of the way that He lets me cry and then lets me laugh. He is so present with us, sweet friends. And sometimes, He shows up in the funniest ways in the oddest of places, but I want to catch these moments like a little girl with a butterfly net. It's been a while since I've done a thank you post, and thanks in good part to my sister for her inspiration with her blog (http://runningtheracewithjoy.blogspot.com/ . . . worth checking out!!! Really!!!! You should do it!!), I think it's about time I counted the gifts of Jesus and said thanks.

So Jesus?

Thank You:

for the new friends I've made this year already. There are such beautiful gems going to Multnomah. (And I haven't even met 'em all yet!)

for the new job! YOU PROVIDED!!!

for skype dates with my sister and hearing she's got a plane ticket home for December and flying into an airport NEARBY!!! YES!

for the way that You totally covered all of my fears! Jesus, You've taken care of the "new's": new job, new ministry, new church. It's pretty much locked into place, yes? Hasn't always been easy, but You've answered and walked with me!

for Miss K listening to me and letting me cry (and bleed! haha), for her letting me be weak. Sometimes it just feels good to be weak and broken. To let that be okay, where you're at.

for the way my ecology teacher brought in a TURTLE! to class!!!! That was so fun.

for the way that we two laughed when he brought in that turtle as the little guy moved his little feet semi-frantically. :)

for the way that KT keeps me accountable with complaining. It's good to have a friend that will do that!

for how You give me the love and strength to love by letting go. It can be so hard, Jesus. It's a very different way for me to love but please keep filling me up with You.

for the opportunity to play Ultimate Frisbee with my home church's college group last Sunday.

for the courage and something-to-say to speak up in my World Lit class last week.

for the way Mulled Spices candles smell and how the fall leaves crunch and crinkle.

for big sunflowers. You are love.

for the way You've pointed out LIGHT to me. You are Light. Let me be a reflecting light, Jesus?

for how the elderly people clap when I play music. Kind audience.

for Bible reading homework . . . how I could finish reading 1 Samuel twice last night/this morning. :)

for sweet sisters' notes in my mailbox. for such encouraging words in my Facebook inbox. for the spoken words, the "I'm so proud of you" from Miss K. We all need encouragement.

for being present, Jesus. For being KIND and GENTLE. For meeting me in this very moment and filling me up. For teaching me how to love You (please don't stop!). Thank You for nose bleeds and all the different ways You try to get my attention. You are so wonderful, LORD. You are so Loved.

Mysterious River

"Let it be said of me that I knew I wasn’t in control. Let it be said that I threw my hands in the air, took the free-fall and found my joy deep in His mysterious river." -therunamuck.com



Oh this free-falling. Jesus? Please help me to see this free-falling as adventure. You and me. Together. We got this.

I don't need to be afraid. I don't need to fear new churches, new friends, new people.

Jesus, there's so much new. New job? New ministry. New room. New year.

Snap-Crack-It!

haha

But we've got this.

You knew.

You knew before You finished shaping my lungs and my toes and my tendons that this free-falling was coming.

You knew.

You know.

You're here.

Now it's time to let go.

Mysterious river. <3 <3

I Want to Love You

It's the first Monday I've been home since June 5th. It's incredible. And good . . . to be home. What. A. Summer.

Jesus propped open the door and coaxed me by the light.

To Tadmor.

And crooked danae child tried to find herself in another picture, another world.

And there were a lot of failures.

But between the cracks of cement and sin, floral victories peaked the surface and sprung in radiance.

Yet even with the victories, I still lie dying, trying to figure out how to die gracefully.

How to lay down everything.

And what does it really mean to follow You, Jesus?

You cracked my world a few days back, told me to carry my cross, to come.

Jesus, I don't even know what my cross is? Oh how resistant the soil feels. Is there any good? Can You drip the Living-Water into these cracks to make me soft for You?

To teach me what it means to love You?

And I stand at the end of the summer feeling kind of stuck. Stuck between the past of Tadmor and the present and the future of Multnomah and new church and new people. And are You asking me to step out from all of the things I leaned on? Oh Jesus, I want to be free. I want to love You. In truth.

Amen, Jesus. Amen.

Love,

Yours.

Beautifully There

Oh mercy. It has been way too long since I've been able to blog. This summer wasn't what I had envisioned. Jesus knew.

There's so much to say about these past few weeks of working at Camp Tadmor as an office assistant and member of the program team. But because I need to take a nap to prep for the next two weeks, I want to just do a quick post of my journey with Jesus, how He's reminded me that even in the chaos, He is still so beautifully there.

(And you really should play this music while you read. It's beautiful. :))

Thank You, Jesus. You knew my feet hit the floor,
And I dragged the soles against the dirt
When Your finger pointed out the open door.
And I said "Yes" to Office Assistant and Program
And "Yes" to what I never knew coming,
A ragged tiredness and a frustrated spirit
In myself I'd have to fight.
And sometimes I try to say "Yes" to loneliness and
Walking out of my world.
Into a foreign one that sometimes, seems so polluted
And other times so holy.
And Jesus? It's been kinda rough.
You know.
Oh You know.
And You sent beautiful Words to remind me
Of Truth.
The last paragraph of a letter, I've read and read.
Soaking up truth.
And Jesus, You sent my Dad and Sister to visit me,
Just when I needed them, when I needed the outside world
To break into my own. God timing
And the stars bring healing.
And I was reading in Isaiah, and Mom sent a voice message
With one of the verse I had read.
You spoke to me.
You made sure I wasn't fully alone.
And You prompted her to send an email. Knew I needed prayer.
I was falling apart.
And she wrote a note, and You confirmed it.
I'm supposed to be here now.
I don't know why.
But Jesus, I love You.
And I am astounded at the ways You've loved me this week.
Even when I was such a pitiful, whimpering, whining mess.
Thanks.

Please lead me into a new week.
I can't do this alone.
Please forgive me for the times I've failed You
this week, Jesus. They were so many.
Help me to give my best.
I didn't do that this past week.
I need You, Jesus.

I love You, Friend.
I love You.

Isaacs

Lately I've been captivated by Abraham's story.




He was an old man who talked to God like He was real.

He was an old man who felt the promise of His God swell within the womb of his wife. His child.

He was an old man who believed in God enough to grasp the knife, to hold it high above the body of his precious, only son. And he was strong enough to dig that knife into the boy's flesh, except that God's mercy kept him from killing his promise.

But he was flesh and human and real, and he wasn't prepared to kill the boy without reason. Abraham wasn't simply giving up Isaac out of a weak surrender. He was giving Isaac up, not passively, but with great faith in God's goodness, in His promise. He knew that Jehovah God could raise Isaac back (Heb 11:19), even after the blade had pierced the neck.

Abraham's act of offering Isaac would have been virtually worthless if not for Abraham's faith, His hope being placed in Almighty God's ability to make things right in the end.

And sometimes, God asks me to give up my loves, the people and plans that have become a part of me. But let me always refuse to simply give them up. Because this is no act of sacrifice. That is bitter drudgery. Rather, when He calls, let me open my hands and give, realizing that He very well could give back. But if He doesn't, it is not because this is the end, but because He sees an end story I don't know. And it will all be alright.

I will confess though, there's been one piece of my heart that God asked for awhile back. I've struggled, felt like it truly wasn't fair that He would grant a good gift and ask for it back (maybe I should have written this in present tense. ahem). That is my honest, raw heart's struggle. And especially after reading Psalms, I've come to the conclusion that it's okay to be honest with Jesus, to tell Him how I'm feeling, even that I don't understand sometimes. But, I was also reminded yesterday that there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. Ann Voskamp writes these words that tip me off into balance:

Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His heart to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father's heart. God's anger kindles hot when the essence of the complaint implies doubt in His love . . . Lament is this long learning . . . (One Thousand Gifts pg 175)

The difference is an unwavering faith, in coming to God, knowing who He is.

The difference in the sacrifice of Isaac is in unwavering faith, in offering to God, knowing who He is and what He can do.

And I find that there is so much more to this "Be still and knowing" then I ever imagined when God gripped my heart with it a year ago. In these moments of knife wielding and heart crying, I must always remember . . . to quiet myself and to know who really is God. And what that means that He is God. And this is faith and this is my lifeline and this really is the only way, the only strength to offer my Isaacs. Faith. Hope in a God of goodness.



*Picture from: http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/abraham/abraham.html*

Gray and Green

The sky was gray and the fields a marvelous green, and it was late, but I still knew it would be good for me to get out and walk for awhile to my road's nearest "T" and back a few times. There were still swatches of white light filtered through the clouds. The rain holding back for then.

And sometimes, the gray and the green are perfect colors for God-with-man walks.


God, I'm so confused and tired of fighting and thinking and this feeling of being so fake and my thoughts not even sounding like me anymore. I don't know about these things, Jesus!

danae, what do you know?What have I taught you?

And I spoke it. The clouds and the green blades my witnesses. For there are things I do know.

God, You are the One who sees me, who looks after me (Hagar).

You provide. On the Mount of the LORD, it will be provided (Abraham).

YHWH, this year, You've showed me that You are strong, that You can handle my emotions.

Father, I know that You are involved in the details of my life. That YOU, Creator, Nation Mover, Powerful God, that YOU are involved in my life, involved enough to speak into my heart situations.

I know that I am wanted. You WANT me, Jesus! I don't know why, but You've showed me that this is really true.

I know that I can trust You. Trust You to change me, to get me where I need to be. I love You.

God, this year, You've taught me about the importance of being honest with others, of living in transparent community. Living life with people.


And the sky opened a little and water sprinkled against my face.
And it was Jesus, and I closed my eyes and felt Him touching me.

I'm learning that it is a beautiful thing to live life open to God. I know that He knows everything about my life, but when I try to live in Him, trying to expose myself and live naked before Him like Eve in Eden, when I try to say how I'm feeling so I'm sharing it and opening myself to Him, then I am more free. I'm open.

And when I'm open . . . He can reach down and touch me. Even if it comes in rain drops against my face.

I'm still confused about some things, but it sure helps to be open. And really, there are very important things that I am NOT confused about. These I hold on to.

Thank You so much, Jesus, for going on that walk with me. You held my hand, Most High, didn't You? You are my Healer, and I love You. Thank You for touching me.