Day 9: Restore

The broken need restoration.

Restoration: "a return of something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition."

Psalm 23 is one of my favorites. I know it's used all the time and is so commonly familiar, but to unpack the metaphor is absolutely stunning.

And ever since that night when I was stretched out on my bunk at a camp in the middle of nowhere, wondering what in the world I was doing there, and I read these words . . . they pierce my soul into healing.

"He restores my soul." 

God is the only One who can bring back my soul to what it is meant to be.

He welcomes the impossible cases, and to take my soul back to a restored state is an impossible case.

But He's good at that . . . the impossible things.

He is Restorer. 
alleluia.

Day 8: Save Me

Standing in the presence of YHWH daily. Soaking in all that He is. Love. Peace. Power. Grace. Justice.

And still, one of the most powerful beings fell from heaven.

Because of pride.

Y'all, that SCARES me. I think it should scare me more than it does, to be honest.

If pride can destroy an archangel and make him into devil, what will pride do to me?

I think about that when my pride thoughts are whirlpooling me, waves up to my forehead, and I can just picture . . .

If some of my wretched prideful motives would be exposed, my ministry could be destroyed.

My friendships could be ruined.

My witness to Jesus . . . gone.

{I'm not a nice gal.
Take that back. I am a nice gal. That's the problem. Nice-ness doesn't take you to the kingdom gates. It's kindness that is of Christ. They are very different things.}

And niceness and pride are sick, germ-swarming illness, and I don't know the answer to healing of this disease,

except to be broken.

One of my professors says that gratitude is the key to humility. And somehow, brokenness plays its role too.

I think of a plant that needs to be replanted into a bigger plot. I don't know why, but I was taught that you always need to break up the roots a little before you replant it.

And Jesus? I'm that stubborn plant that needs to be replanted into You. Will you please break up my roots a little bit, so I can grow into You, deeper and deeper? You know the innermost cavern of my being. The dark places. And You know how pride is so frustrating to me because it's not a self-contained sin. It filters into everything, and I'm sick with it. Sick of it. Sick in it. And more often than not, I don't understand just how awful it is. Help me, Lord! I don't want it to destroy me. I know it will if we don't do something about it. I can't do anything on my own. Please, please kill me. Crucify me with You. Break my reliance and my self-worship. Please break me, Lord Jesus.
In Your name and by Your power.
Amen. 

Day 7: Brokenness is Weakness

At this point in my brokenness blogging adventure, I'm feeling like the word "BROKEN" is such an ambiguous term. We say we're broken when we're hurting. We call it brokenness when we're lonely. We synthesize brokenness with humility on some days. Oh my. So, I'm not fully sure what words I should be looking for in the Bible to seek out brokenness, but I think weakness might be a good synonym. 

So tonight, I'm sticking with the dictionary definition of brokenness being "weakened in strength, spirit." (dictionary.com).

And I can't get around Paul's conversation with Jesus . . . 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ESV

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions,  and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

If this is a safe synonym, 

than maybe it's okay to say that we can boast in our brokenness. Brokenness is something to be grateful for.

than maybe we can say that it's okay to be broken. To live in our brokenness. 

than maybe brokenness is key to strength . . . 

is the intersection where Christ's power comes and meets us, completing our brokenness . . . wholeness.

Maybe? Maybe?

Day 6: On the Same Team

It's been a wonderful day. Haven't done any homework yet, and while that's kind of a bummers, it's been really refreshing. I've been able to rest, meet with a mentor, pray in downtown Portland with a big group of Jesus-lovers, and in a little while, I'll get to hang out with church people.

But still, my spirit has been restless. Obviously, I've been pretty distracted as seen from the way I've been looking at Internet Mobile Banking and Checking Email in the middle of writing a blog post. Sheesh.

But anyways, back to the restlessness.

So I went to the prayer chapel after taking a refreshing nap. I was needing some re-centering. I thought for awhile at how the Lord had taught me so much of His love this summer, and how we were so close near the beginning of the year, but now, I'm the distracted child with the dazed look in her eyes, needing to sit down for a second and remember. Remember who He is. Who I am.

And I fidgeted in that chapel, hoping for a quick, divine fix so God and I would be golden again, and I'd march right out, all refreshed, ready to nail homework, and live my life.

E.E.F.

Epic Expectation Fail.

I expect God to magically fix my brokenness on the spot some days.

Okay. Most days. 

And as I sat there, I had to apologize to Jesus for just wanting a quick fix and then life as usual.

NO. He wants me, and really, I really want Him. Not just fast solutions.

And I also realized that I could spend a lot of time in that chapel, chatting at God and explaining myself and how I just wasn't feeling quite with it with Him and why was that again? and What did I do? 
I could see myself as the guilty failure who somehow forgot how to stay connected with the Lord. I could see myself as the enemy and in some awful ways, see God as the enemy for not connecting Himself with me (that's awful, but I'm so guilty of it sometimes. Jesus, please forgive me!!!).

Or

I could side WITH God against the sin and the disconnection by asking Him for His brokenness that leads me to humility and healing. 

I think the Lord was trying to show me that asking for brokenness realigns me with Him. It's a request that realigns me to His side, His "team", and to relationship with Him.

I'm not sure I communicated that very clearly, but maybe more clear words will come. Regardless though, our King is so gracious. Brokenness is an avenue towards connection to Him.

Day 5: Dictionary Definitions

Words are imperfect, incomplete shadows, but there is something powerful about finding a right word, a word that stands on its tiptoes to reach closest to the reality.

Dictionary.com's definitions of the word "brokenness" help me re-evaluate this word and maybe brings me a little closer to what this idea really is. Here are some of its definitions:

adjective

3.

ruptured; torn; fractured.

4.

not functioning properly; out of working order.

7.

fragmentary or incomplete: a broken ton of coal weighing1,500 pounds.

8.

infringed or violated: A broken promise is a betrayal of trust.

9.

interrupted, disrupted, or disconnected: After the phone call he returned to his broken sleep.

10.

weakened in strength, spirit, etc.: His broken health was dueto alcoholism.

11.

tamed, trained, or reduced to submission: The horse wasbroken to the saddle.

16.

ruined; bankrupt: the broken fortunes of his family.

I want to look more into the idea of brokenness being a type of bankruptcy and emptiness, of it being an incompleteness. 

But until then . . . 

This is a song that has the word broken in it. Hahaha :) But really, it's a good one! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TfV6nOVCUk

Day 4: A Contrite Heart

Nick, a current Multnomah student, shared his story this Monday night at one of my school's alternate chapels. He said several things that encouraged me and convicted me, but there was one particular thing that made me ache.

Good theologians live their theology, he shared. I'm not a good theologian. If I were a good theologian, I would pray for hours instead of getting on facebook. I would weep over my sin. I would . . .

I would weep over my sin.

weep.

And something inside of me grows fidgety.

Jesus knows . . . I struggle with this. I struggle with hating my sin.

I'm not good at looking it straight in the face and cursing it.

I would rather turn around and try to hop back into God's lap like a silly child who doesn't understand her own contradictions.

But I've prayed that I would hate my sin. And I want to . . . I really do.

I want to hate the way that pride creeps in and slaughters anything pure and kind in my actions.

I want to hate the way it has the potential to completely destroy my relationships with my friends and family and church and my effectiveness in loving people and loving God.

I want to hate each time I lie to people and tell 'em I'm doing fine or when I say that I will pray for you! and then [shamefully] forget, when I lie to people with my smile and my actions.

I want to hate each time I try to save people on my own and forget I am only creature. He is Creator. Savior.

I want to hate each moment when I speak of another person unkindly and when I kill someone in my mind with cruel, cruel thoughts.

I want to hate each conversation when I tell someone what they want to hear instead of the truth, when I rely on myself to speak and not listen to what Jesus wants to tell them or just how He wants to listen to them.

I want to hate each moment when I think I can do everything because the world relies on me, right? (Negative)

Another word for broken can be Contrite.

Dictionary.com puts life into that word when it describes contrite as that which is:
"caused by or showing sincere remorse, filled with a sense of guilt and the desire for atonement; penitent: a contrite sinner."

So today, my prayer is for this type of brokenness. I want to be broken by my sin, Lord. Completely penitent, remorseful, and repentent. I want to hate it, to see how You hate it, how it wrecks me and keeps my relationship with you from being what it could be. Is this the way I should pray?

Please, break me, Father.
I love You.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:17

 

 

Day 3: Brokenness, Avenue to Healing

"Moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days,


 in the day 
            when 
                the LORD binds up 
                                        the brokenness 
                                                    of his people, 
          and 
                               heals the wounds 
                                                inflicted by his blow."

Isaiah 30:26


Hosea 6:1-3
"Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.

After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise us up, that we may live before him.

Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is sure as the dawn; He will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth."


Wounded, torn, broken. Brokenness is His avenue to healing.

This is an "upside kingdom" that we operate in. It's crazy. Doesn't make sense. To live, we must die. To be healed, He breaks us.

So how does this affect my interpretation of my own brokenness? How should this affect the way I walk with my friends through their brokenness?

Mmm . . . to be revisited. :)