The Closing of a Month

The January 2010 chapter of my life is slowly closing, and the end of it leads to the beginning of a new chapter. And I wonder and feel like crying.

This month has been . . . well, how can I tag a month with one word? It's been heart-wrenching at times and glorious at others. There has been laughter and depths of pain and falling in love with my Redeemer. And December has still crept into today. Oh, it can be so hard to live every day pressing forward instead of leaning back. It's hard for me to put my feet in front of the other when I give him and this and that such a hold on my life, when I power their grip.

There have been new things. There have been a few huge times where I've been so privileged to feel the incredible love of Jesus, my Love. During several moments of December, I cried out to God and told Him that His love didn't feel like enough, and I didn't get it. My head preached that of course it's enough, but I cried for it and died for it. And during a few moments in December and some in January, God opened the floodgates to let me feelit. For those of you who know me (and as I've mentioned before), I'm such a "sensing" person . . . I try to feel to understand, to grasp. And I praise Him for allowing me those sweet, sweet breaths of feeling. And maybe part of it's just growing. I hope so. His love is so captivating . . . and I'm worth not a single shred of it. Not a dust particle amount of it. But I guess that's what makes it so spectacular, huh?

And of course, this month has been characterized by seeking . . . what in the world am I gonna do with the rest of my life?? :) smile :) but I'm learning so much about this season [even though it can be very frustrating]. I'm visiting Multnomah University again this week. Should be fun! :) Still wondering about Asbury in KY. Would it be the best way to please God? Because it'd require much more faith to go to KY? Much more separation from some things I'm holding way too tightly? Because there'd be more options and opportunities? Or is Multnomah the best place I can be? Close to family, knitted into a Bible-loving tapestry? Aye aye aye . . . So many questions. But I want to rejoice in the adventure too, knowing that the Mighty Hand of my Savior is clasping my small hand in His, and we're doing this thing called "danae's short life" together. I need to be praying hard that God would really direct me in this one, especially as I go and visit MU again. Whew. But I got to enjoy the ride while I got it, huh? ;)

Well, I suppose I should be going and taking a lovely Sunday afternoon nap. I might even take a walk later? The sun shining is so beautiful. Where I live, every bit of that sun is soaked up, stockpiling it for the rainy days. :) I hope sunshine glimmers in your world. Jesus is in it. I know that. :) BLesSinGs! :)

Praise

For those of you who read my prayer request blog for a girl named Kayla Becker, I just wanted to pass forward an update! Her hematoma (sp?) is shrinking, and she's off bed-rest! Thanks for the prayers. Miracles still happen . . . soo soo true. :)

Finished

Ah, semester finals are . . .[dun dun dunnnnn] . . . FINISHED!!! Woo hoo!!! What a good feeling . . .

And once again, and again, His grace is always enough . . . even in the physics finals and lack of sleep. alleluia. :) Real life, real grace.

Have a lovely day!!! :)

Dear Love

Jesus, thank You for being with me. You truly are my Best Friend. Oh Jesus, I need to shift the gaze off of me. You know i love the spotlight - - way too much. You know how out of the way I go to gain that shimmer of congrats and wows and pats-on-the-back, of feeling that "oh danae, you are somebody," "you matter," "i want you to be part of my life because you're worth it, you make me smile, you know just what to say, i need you." But Jesus, You also know that deep within, if I could just stand within Your presence, with the light of Your presence being the only light on my face, I could rest perfectly content in the being still. But I don't stay in Your presence like I should. I don't know why. Part of it means that i, danae, must die. And dying's hard and brutal. But Jesus, if life is ever to spring up out of the ice, the seed must die, and that's me. I need Your help. I've tried countless times, but trying to do this on my own isn't working. Will You change me?

And during the while, thank You . . .

379. that You spoke to me in church . . . if John the Baptist were here, standing by me as I type, and I asked him "What am i to do?" what would he tell me to do to change the way I'm living now? (Luke 3).

380. for the sunshine . . . oh how refreshing it is, Jesus! You know I needed it.. .

381. that my SATs are finished as of this past Saturday!!!!!!! Oh YESSSS :)

382. that I could be part of special music in church.

383. for vehicles that run . . . i take it for granted.

384. for Psalms 107 . . . it spoke to me today at lunch . . . I needed to hear You. I still do, Lord.

385. thank You that i made it through last week . . . stress levels spiked, but the breaking point came and the pressure resided and Your grace was enough . . . as always. new.

386. for laughter within my youth group.

387. for the fernando ortega music that I've been falling asleep too.

388. for hearing out all my questions

389. that You are my constant. my Faithful. my Love.

390. for secret prayer sisters at church :)

Thank You, Jesus. Please help me through this week . . . finals week. Please hold up my head. Help me to be dying to me. Living for You. I love You. . . . danae

Life Diffuses

Down deep deep,
Translucent wings flex,
And crack against the cold, hard walls
And breath is breathed
And life diffuses.

Down deep deep,
The incision has not yet scarred,
And pain steadily contracts,
And translucent wings flex,
And life diffuses.

Down deep deep,
A hand touches farther than good,
And its power is love,
And its power is pain,
And life diffuses.

Down deep deep,
I'm learning to fly,
But I haven't yet risen above
The spidery rain clouds
And the spongy sunsets,
And the lightening.
Oh the lightening.
But down deep deep,
His name is healing me,
And the pulse of His heart
Is the melody, ringing in my soul,
And I'm still not there,
And the wings haven't repelled me from
A barren ground,
But the walls are cracking,
And I will wait.
And someday,
Deep down deep,
I will fly,
Oh and I will soar.
Translucent wings shall flex,
And life shall diffuse.
Jesus, soon?
I. Trust.

Backtrack

As most of you know, I began a journey to 1000 Gifts not that long ago. It was meant to be a journey of thankfulness, tallying up the things I'm thankful for and have been blessed by, but lately, I feel like I've just been going through the motions of it, just listing highlights of my week, not really digging deeper or trying to establish a heart of thankfulness. Thus, there's no point. At. All. So, in order to try to revert my heart back into thankfulness mode, I'm just going to post one thing that I'm thankful for today. Something I'm truly thankful for instead of just zapping the blogosphere with a half-hearted list of gratitude. So today? Today I'm so thankful . . .



378. That Jesus loves me deeper than I thought possible. That His love sweeps into the most arid parts of my being. That His love is not frightened away by my ugliness. My secrets. That His love heals me . . . it dips into the inmost, and I am new. NEW. alleluia . . . That He didn't love me and leave me. He's here to stay, . . . to dance with me and speak into me to run, to run to the world with His light, to run into the hurting, to run into the dying, to run into Him, into Peace. To Run. To Live. To Die. Oh thank You isn't enough. It will never be. Ever. But for now, it is what I have to give. That and this makeshift life of mine. Oh how I hold back too often. I'm selfish, prideful, arrogant, ashamed. Never ever enough. But His love is . . . I'm learning, and I'm changing. Piece by piece. . .

Haiti

Jesus, please reach out Your hand . . .