Day 30: Broken Bread

I heard this song by Rend Collective Experiment at the beginning of the semester: Broken Bread. I love it. Here are the words.

May I be broken bread, may I be poured out wine
May I incarnate Your kindness, Lord

Spend my life, Jesus, anyway You please
Whether on great things, or what seems small

Your will done your way
Your will done your way
Your will done your way

I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight You
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call

Do not let there be, any part of me
That’s untouchable, unreachable

Let my delight be living out Your dreams
Washing dirty feet, and kissing yours

God, let Your dreams come true, dream through us
God, let Your dreams come true through us

While the last part about God's dreams may sound a little too Americanized, I love the rest of it and want it to be my theme song.

The broken bread imagery sticks out to me. Broken bread is a theme through the gospels.

Jesus thanked Father, broke the bread, and fed thousands.

Jesus thanked Father, broke the bread (His body), and passed it to His disciples.

Jesus IS the broken bread. Broken. And we are healed.

It is through His brokenness that we can be fed and healed.

And Jesus? I come to You. I come to You as You are the One who was broken. This should change the way I come to You, shouldn't it? You are so tender-hearted. So gentle. So powerful. Powerful enough to let Yourself be broken. 

for me.

This should shine a light on each sharp edge of my brokenness, shouldn't it? You were broken first. You sacrificed first. Let me follow You. My heart aches, but can I be broken bread for You? I don't know what I'm asking, do I? Lord, I'm not even sure my heart is there to really mean what that question implies. Can we reach this place? Can You grow me up to this? 

To this point of full surrender? Of giving everything? Of loving You in such deep ways that I desire any opportunity for sacrifice? You know I am so selfish. So. Disgustingly. Selfish. 

I get claustrophobic in the process and afraid that I'll never get out of this selfishness. So sick of what I see in myself some days, forgetting that You're working on me, and this looks like process.

I've got a lot of ideas for how I want the end to look like, Jesus! Oh. Uh. You already got that covered, don't You? ;) Okay.

Well, thank You for being broken for me. Wow. For doing it so willingly and lovingly. I don't deserve You. But thank You. So, soooo much.

I love You.
Simply Yours

Day 29: Alabaster Something Or Other's :)

I am so tired tonight in more ways than one. So much on my heart. A giant or two smashing through my mind, leaving shreds of incomplete thoughts.

And brokenness. What about brokenness?

How do I follow the King who lets Himself be broken for His people?
How do I let myself be affected and broken-hearted as Jesus seems to have been affected by others' pain?

Steep me in Your presence, LORD.
I am tired, but maybe You could strengthen me in order to break me like that Alabaster Jar?
Does that analogy even make sense?
I don't know, Lord. 
I don't know. I don't want to pretend to know tonight. 
So hold me? Please, will You come near and let me feel Your breath? I love You, my King. I am so glad to be safe in You. Thank You for such love. :)

Day 28: All the Broken Pieces

I'm lame, but I'm feeling sick, so I'm going to post a brokenness song today. ;)



This song sings about surrendering the brokenness.

I think so much of our brokenness comes from our pasts, or at least, I feel many associate brokenness with their pasts. It's so tied to shame.

I have seen a lot of my friends walk in cruel, relentless shame . . . it has ripped and tattered them. I know there has to be freedom from this; I'm just not sure what that looks like. I'm sure there are much more complicated answers than simply "Give[ing] them up to [the LORD]," though I'm sure that must happen.

Anyways, these are my thoughts for the night. Now it's time to sleep. :)

Have a good night, world.

Day 27: Survey. Others Define Brokenness

Awhile back, I sent several of my friends a survey to fill out on brokenness. I wanted to share some of the results that I got from that with you! :) I'm learning that "brokenness" is a very broad term with different nuances, something that comes up in the way people answered my questions. Here's the first one for now:

How would you define brokenness?

Something that is not whole and that needs to be put together that is stopping the said thing from being what/who they are created to be.

comfort or security being split apart, taken away, disintegrated

reaching the end of yourself

Brokenness lacks one-ness--it is disjoined. Brokenness inherently begs and calls for restoration.

being at the point of being unable to make sense of the mess of your life on your own

Brokenness is wounds of the soul--the pain, suffering and discouragement that come from living in a fallen and sinful world.

"""He must increase, but I must decrease."" John 3:30
""We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.""2 Corinthians 4:8-11

Brokenness/suffering is a catalyst that allows for manifestation of Christ in our daily lives.  He must increase, and we decrease in order that he may be fully known not only to us, but to those around us.

"

The Lost Day 26: Feelings & Truth

So, it wasn't until the clock struck midnight . . . okay, it was after midnight to be honest . . . that I realized I didn't blog yesterday! Ah shoot. So, I'm going to try to do two blog posts tonight. Really fast. :)

So, here's to the lost Day 26.

I wonder if the Lord has been showing me about feelings this week. Oh My Sweet Goodness. And what a week of feelings. :)

I'm threaded into a post-modern generation. I believe in absolute truth for sure, but I am heavily influenced by my generation's culture and the way we prize experiences and value feelings. We're the "I feel like . . . " generation.

There are definitely really positive things to this, but there is also this subconscious suggestion that feelings equal truth, and that just isn't true.

Truth goes farther than my feelings. {postmodern generation}
It plunges deeper than my even my human logic. {modern generation}

Anyways, I know "brokenness" is used in so many ways, but it can be a feeling word for sure.

When we're broken, sometimes we don't feel like God is close. Sometimes, God feels like He's slipped out of the room. A passive-aggressive God who will not sit with me in my self-inflicted pain.

I don't think God's like that.

I believe He is holy. I believe He hates sin. I believe that consequences for our sin come.

But I think He remains true to His faithfulness and His love along with His holiness towards us in our moments when we arrive broken.

When I feel like running away from Him in my brokenness, will I run? Or will I stay?
When I feel like He is far away, letting me feel the shame as punishment for my sin, will I believe my feelings or question them?

YHWH remains consistent in His character . . . no matter how I'm feeling. Feeling does not determine truth. Jesus does. Even in our brokenness.

Day 25: Wholeness Prayer

Lord?

What does it mean to be whole? Restored? Redeemed? What does it mean, after all the pieces crack and shatter on the tile floor, to submit to Your hands and Your piecing back together all the ruins?

I've talked about brokenness, but Jesus, what about wholeness? How do I learn to walk towards You and to walk towards healing from sin?

Please grab me by the hand and lead me. Home.

Day 24: I'm {truly} Okay

The feelings of brokenness hit today. The lonely, heart-aching.

But it was perfect.

It sent me on my knees in a little prayer chapel in the Northeast corner of Portland. :)

And I prayed, and He filled that little chapel with His presence and His peace.

I remembered that He is the One I want most of all and that I would rather be driven to pain as long as I run into His presence bleeding than be aimlessly chasing rainbow ends without a cloud in the sky. :) This isn't easy to say, even though it sounds kinda pretty, and sometimes, I don't feel it, but I know it. 

I should confess though that I didn't always feel peace in my brokenness today. When I first woke up, I woke up desperate. I HATE that feeling, the feeling of desperate loneliness like there's nothing you can do to be free. I don't feel it too often, but when I do, I want to panic. My mom prayed for me over the phone though and the peace came.

His peace will meet us in brokenness, and when His peace is there, we'll make it. :) I'm sure of it. I'm not sure His peace will always feel the way we expect it to feel? (I don't know), but I'm sure He will come into it with us.

Brokenness doesn't have to be bad. Especially if it propels us into the presence of our Savior. Especially if it causes us to trust Him more, as one of my best friends reminded me.

I'm not prepared to say "It Is Well" for every wildly horrific situation that could come into my life (Jesus would have to prepare me each time), but the Lord gives me grace in the now and in this time to let the words seep and sing, and I want to say it honestly, but by His grace, it is well with my soul. Jesus is trustworthy. I may not feel safe or extra energetic or good per se, but His arms will keep me. alleluia. I'm okay. :)