Twenty Twelve. One. Last. Farewell.

"But I also pray that I will praise Him when the pain comes back. When things break and things aren't easy.

Teach me, Jesus, please teach me to trust You. To give You my expectations of how You should use pain in my life. I want to know in my soul and trust that You know exactly how much I can take. You won't give me an ounce more. What a gentle God. Alleluia."

I wrote those words this summer in a blog post and tucked it away for a day like today when the pain is back. I am so glad that YHWH is still on the throne on days like today, that He still loves me very much, that some things never change. He is very gentle and compassionate.

Looking back, 2012 has been a wild year. 

Got in my first mini-wreck.
Found a new church that I LOVE.
Started helping in a new ministry. WHICH I ALSO LOVE.
Rode the Max. By Myself. Probably Stupid. But I met beautiful people, hungering for truth and love and Jesus.
Became a junior in college.
Was tested for Lupus and then told it's just eczema after meeting with several doctors.
Worked at a Radiator Shop the whole summer. Jesus met me. Changed me. Loved me.
Went to Iowa for a family reunion, went tubing, etc.
Became good, good friends with a man who I LOVE deeply. That season is ending, and I hurt very much, but I'm trying to cherish every memory. No regrets.

And I learned a few things. Or was taught a few things.

I learned that I can't put expectations on pain, on how long it should last for God to still be good (He is good, and He determines what we need. He is gentle too.).
I've learned the power of this verse: "We love because He first loved us." We must know His love in order to love.
I've learned that He is the God of encouragement and endurance. YHWH longs to encourage His children and calls for us to run farther and deeper, to keep going when times get hard, to work things out with each other. He is cheering for us.
I've learned a little more the power of God's grace and what it can do to someone who longs to give their life over to the LORD. Beauty.
I learned that God wants to be known as He relates to His people, "Slow to anger, merciful, gracious, abounding in love, . . . " etc. 
I've learned again that God is trustworthy and that He answers wild prayers.
I've learned the importance of "embracing the lonely" and that I have to be fully dependent on Jesus.
I've learned that there are some things we will never understand nor have good answers for . . . but the LORD can carry our unanswered questions. He is strong enough.
I've learned that laughter really is good for the soul. And so are tears. 


Dear dear Father,

This year was hard. You know. I struggled with You so much, especially the first half of the year, not understanding You, not understanding where You were at and what I was feeling and why I was feeling what I was feeling. 

And then You sat me down by a lake in a Sweet Home summer and taught me about Your compassion through Isaiah.

And You revived my soul, and You let me be YOURS. Really YOURS. I knew I was loved by You. 

And I thank You for all the precious gifts of this year.

For some of the best friends a girl could ask for. <3>
For good memories and crazy adventures and lots of encouraging texts.
For all the tears and the tough places and for those You sent to keep me going through them.

Thank You for speaking to me and for sending me incredible opportunities and beautiful people. Thank You for putting Yourself in me. God-in-me. Holy Spirit. 
Thank You for nestling me into a church and surrounding me with people who care. This may be only for a season, who knows, but I am so grateful for it!

You know my heart, Jesus. You know it's not feeling very good today, but Your love will outlive my pain. We are yours.

I have no idea what a new year holds. It's kinda terrifying, Jesus. 

But as long as You go with me, I'm ready. 

I love You very much. Thank You for loving me. 
In the Name of JESUS,
Amen.

Trusting. Completely.

It's finals week! And you know what that means: BLOGGING! ;)

It's time for a study break, even though it's 12:33am and more studying is awaiting me. :)

I've been thinking a little about trust lately. Trusting the LORD.

I had a lovely date with one of my gal-friends last week, and we were talking about our futures and trusting Jesus, and it struck me.

When we trust Jesus only part-way, the future is TERRIFYING!

Only partial trust is practically no-trust.

Imagine.

You're in an old, creaky building. The slabs of hardwood floor are dusty, and you're sincerely worried that you'll fall through the floorboards. You're confident in some of the rooms of the house and some of the pieces of the floor. Some of the floorboards seem sturdy, especially in some rooms of the house. But in other rooms, you're not so confident. There is always that fear that this one floorboard you step on will be the one floorboard that caves in. Partial trust is terrifying.

And by not trusting it all, you're not really trusting that floor.

You're labeling it inadequate, faulty.

At least in parts.

But if part of it is untrustworthy, how can it be considered trustworthy?

Uh . . . shoot.

When I only trust Jesus partially and yet partially distrust Him, I'm saying He's faulty. He is not completely reliable.

But, I picture a little child, completely trusting her father as her dad leads her around the hardware store and then near the playground in the park. The child is not afraid of anything because she fully trusts in her dad. She doesn't think of doing anything else.

Full trust means full freedom . . . no fear.

And as I stand in the place of needing to trust Jesus with things dear to my heart and with an unknown, unclear future, I am asked to embrace a full faith that trusts. Completely.

That trusts that YHWH is all He says He is. He is trustworthy. He is reliable. He wants good for us (and only He knows what that looks like). He is on our side. He loves us. Oh how He loves us. :)

So come what may, Jesus? I trust You. Fully. I have no reason to fear. You have proven again and again that You are trustworthy, that I can lean into You and be led by You, and You will lead me by those green pastures and quiet streams.

So I'll let go.

You are in complete control.

Thank You. :)

*Note, it is so much easier to say this than to live it. Help me, LORD? I need You.*

One Last and Only November Post 2012

I don't get it. I really don't. How could this whole month go past, and I haven't blogged once until now?

And I really should be going to bed. I'm exhausted, but I had to write one short post. :)

Jesus reminded me on Tuesday that He is the Good Shepherd. He lays down His life for His sheep. What does this mean? God, laying down His life for me. What is this? This sacrifice soooo incredibly unbalanced and I so undeserving?

And the hired hand runs when the wolf comes. The Shepherd doesn't. Jesus? You see the danger ahead of me, don't You? You don't run when it comes. You are the best Protector. Please show me how to trust You for this. I love You.

31st Post: Letter to Brokenness

I'm twenty-seven minutes late from posting this blog into yesterday. Shoot. But I still accomplished 31 days I guess.

31 days of brokenness.

So here's my {temporarily} final words.

Dear Brokenness,

Yeah, I know it's kind of funny that I'm writing you. I really don't have time (I'm supposed to be doing homework), and you're not the most pleasant thing to write to, and quite honestly, I'm not even sure what you are. 

But I wanted to tell you that it's been an interesting journey walking with you for thirty-one days. I do apologize. I was pretty distracted some of these days and didn't learn as much from you as I would have liked, but I do really like the way you often lead me to Jesus. You keep me on my knees, Brokenness, and you remind me that in my own, I've got nothin'. 

I'm learning that a lot of different things send you my way. Sometimes it's Sin and her consequences that send you knocking on my door. Sometime's, it's a Contrite Heart that sends you my way. Sometimes, you just come see me so you can give me Humility.

You are often the one I must go to in order to get to Healing. I don't always like that very much, but I do like the healing, and I can trust Jesus to send you. So, . . . thanks. :)

Thank you for everything. Please remain in my life in the way Jesus wants. Make me better and stronger even in my weakness. Make me more humble and more aware of my need for the LORD. Make me more aware of the needs of others.

Well, I gotta run. Thanks again for everything . . . even the painful moments. 

Sincerely Yours,
danae :)

Day 30: Broken Bread

I heard this song by Rend Collective Experiment at the beginning of the semester: Broken Bread. I love it. Here are the words.

May I be broken bread, may I be poured out wine
May I incarnate Your kindness, Lord

Spend my life, Jesus, anyway You please
Whether on great things, or what seems small

Your will done your way
Your will done your way
Your will done your way

I will not fight You
Take me past the line that my heart draws
I will not fight You
Take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts
I will not fight You
Lead me further than I've gone before
I will not fight You
I'm abandoned to Your call

Do not let there be, any part of me
That’s untouchable, unreachable

Let my delight be living out Your dreams
Washing dirty feet, and kissing yours

God, let Your dreams come true, dream through us
God, let Your dreams come true through us

While the last part about God's dreams may sound a little too Americanized, I love the rest of it and want it to be my theme song.

The broken bread imagery sticks out to me. Broken bread is a theme through the gospels.

Jesus thanked Father, broke the bread, and fed thousands.

Jesus thanked Father, broke the bread (His body), and passed it to His disciples.

Jesus IS the broken bread. Broken. And we are healed.

It is through His brokenness that we can be fed and healed.

And Jesus? I come to You. I come to You as You are the One who was broken. This should change the way I come to You, shouldn't it? You are so tender-hearted. So gentle. So powerful. Powerful enough to let Yourself be broken. 

for me.

This should shine a light on each sharp edge of my brokenness, shouldn't it? You were broken first. You sacrificed first. Let me follow You. My heart aches, but can I be broken bread for You? I don't know what I'm asking, do I? Lord, I'm not even sure my heart is there to really mean what that question implies. Can we reach this place? Can You grow me up to this? 

To this point of full surrender? Of giving everything? Of loving You in such deep ways that I desire any opportunity for sacrifice? You know I am so selfish. So. Disgustingly. Selfish. 

I get claustrophobic in the process and afraid that I'll never get out of this selfishness. So sick of what I see in myself some days, forgetting that You're working on me, and this looks like process.

I've got a lot of ideas for how I want the end to look like, Jesus! Oh. Uh. You already got that covered, don't You? ;) Okay.

Well, thank You for being broken for me. Wow. For doing it so willingly and lovingly. I don't deserve You. But thank You. So, soooo much.

I love You.
Simply Yours

Day 29: Alabaster Something Or Other's :)

I am so tired tonight in more ways than one. So much on my heart. A giant or two smashing through my mind, leaving shreds of incomplete thoughts.

And brokenness. What about brokenness?

How do I follow the King who lets Himself be broken for His people?
How do I let myself be affected and broken-hearted as Jesus seems to have been affected by others' pain?

Steep me in Your presence, LORD.
I am tired, but maybe You could strengthen me in order to break me like that Alabaster Jar?
Does that analogy even make sense?
I don't know, Lord. 
I don't know. I don't want to pretend to know tonight. 
So hold me? Please, will You come near and let me feel Your breath? I love You, my King. I am so glad to be safe in You. Thank You for such love. :)

Day 28: All the Broken Pieces

I'm lame, but I'm feeling sick, so I'm going to post a brokenness song today. ;)



This song sings about surrendering the brokenness.

I think so much of our brokenness comes from our pasts, or at least, I feel many associate brokenness with their pasts. It's so tied to shame.

I have seen a lot of my friends walk in cruel, relentless shame . . . it has ripped and tattered them. I know there has to be freedom from this; I'm just not sure what that looks like. I'm sure there are much more complicated answers than simply "Give[ing] them up to [the LORD]," though I'm sure that must happen.

Anyways, these are my thoughts for the night. Now it's time to sleep. :)

Have a good night, world.