And Even the Dream Ages

More than a decade ago, I was ten-year-old-baby and the world was my black canvas that I wanted to color in love. Sunshine yellow, hope in blues and greens.

I was a dreamer.

And Sara Beth Geoghegan's song was my song, . . .

"I'm a dreamer, and a thinker. I analyze everything today.
I'm a feeler and a crier, sometimes I cry 'til there is nothing left."

And Bethany Dillon's song was my song, . . .

"I am a dreamer, take me higher.
Open the sky, and start a fire.
'Cause I believe even if it's just a dream . . . "

And the world was sad, but a tear stained world can be changed and cheered with just a little bit of love.

And I was so confused of those who had grown older and jaded and had lost the dream. So confused by those who stopped loving, who stopped wanting to chase the world in deep, crimson LOVE. LOVE from Jesus.

I was scared. Scared of losing the dream. Scared of becoming the inverted one who forgot the feeling of His love burning in my soul, of becoming the one who got too comfortable and stopped reaching out . . . but only reached in. Scared of becoming just another jaded heart.

And years past. The dream grew, especially as I saw the smiles of those who just needed a little more love to keep going. And I really thought I could do it . . . save the world for Jesus. Change it . . . because if I didn't, who would?

And storms later I grew a little weathered.

And suddenly, the world isn't just looking sad. It's looking dark and evil.
Unsafe.

Evil is quick to cloud out hope. Also, I've been learning just how incapable I am of changing anything and healing anything.

Real love is hard. Harder than I ever imagined because Love, the essence of God, is never to fail; it is to be more consistent and stronger than any pain.

And now, the twenty-one-year-old girl looks at the dream, embodied in a crumpled picture of a little, smiling girl in a summer dress, eyes shining wonder for a dying world. Great evil turns my twenty-one-year-old gaze to that trash can a few steps away to my left . . . and sometimes, evil seems much more real than hope.

But I look back and forth, from the crumpled picture of a girl with Hope in her eyes, to that trash can that promises a jaded life is a life that is more real, that can keep you safe from the aching of this world.

But then, something happens. Jesus comes, and He sits down right next to me on this wooden bench. He comes in softly and gently, and He holds out His hands. "Can I see it?" He says, looking at the picture.

I just nod and hand it to Him.

"I remember that girl. Oh my did I love her. I put joy in her eyes and let her carry a big, colorful dream. I used that little girl to bring about a little more sunshine and love in my dying, painful world."

"Oh Jesus, part of me wants to find that girl again. Part of me wants to live so untouched by the evil of this world, but You didn't even do that. You stepped right into the evil, and I just don't know. I don't know how to run into darkness without losing my Light. I don't know how to live in a way that validates the pain in the world and acknowledges the evil but still hopes and believes that Love is stronger and more real. I'm afraid I'm losing the dream, Jesus."

And He is so gentle.

"Baby girl, do you remember the end of this story?"

"Yes, Jesus. In my head, I know. I know You win and that Light is stronger than darkness and somehow Love will triumph."

"My love, when you were little, I gave you a wide dream. My dream . . . to love the world, but baby girl, I made the dream wide and vague enough by shielding you then from much of the evil of this world.

Now you are older and more grown, and I'm beginning to show you more of the dream by showing you more of My heart, and danae, My heart aches. I've let you feel it . . . just a little, because you're older and more ready now then you were then. I have let you see the places of evil because I'm trying to give you My eyes.

But My love, oh My dear love, along with My eyes, I have given you My Light. And My Light will burn victorious. And you're right, danae. Some evil will never break. Some pimps will die hell-bound, and those runaways who refuse to come Home will find the grave a horrific place, and You don't understand that now. You won't for a long time.

But trust Me with this. My LOVE and My LIGHT are stronger, and the Love I have put in you will change the places I send you. They won't necessarily change them the way you think or wish . . . but there are things you cannot see. Realms you are so unaware of . . . and darkness cannot stand the light.

Your dream is changing, My danae girl. It's becoming more focused and more real. Don't be afraid of it changing; don't trash it. I love you, dear one. I loved you then as that little girl. I love you now as the little girl you still are in My eyes. Follow me. We'll love this world together. It won't be comfortable. It won't be as pretty as you thought at age ten. It will give you scars like it gave me, but I promise I will never leave you in the process. You're not a ten year old anymore, danae, but I have given you an innocence and a child's heart that I have called you to use to love this world with Truth and Grace.

The dream is not the goal. Follow Me, my Love. And I will lead you into Loving, into filling this world with more of My Light."

And tears slide down my cheeks. I slowly nod.

Because He is gentle to handle me when I want to give up.

Because it hurts to love but to be loved makes the hurt bearable and worth it.

Because He takes the picture of me, of the girl I want to go back to . . . the girl who lived innocently, unaware of evil. But yet He takes that picture and holds it near His heart, and He gives me a new picture of a twenty-one year old, and she looks so different, but He still painted Hope in her eyes . . . and she's still smiling.

Because Light will always be greater than darkness.

Always.

I will remain a Lover.

My dreaming may not look like my ten year old dreaming.

But I will remain true to Loving this world because someday Love will be the only One standing.
Because Love really makes a difference because Jesus really makes a difference.

I refuse. Somehow, I refuse to be jaded.

Somehow I refuse to be discouraged by an evil that WILL LOSE in the end.

Somehow I refuse to let darkness cause me to forget the power and brilliance of YHWH's LIGHT.

But only by the power and blood and promise of Jesus Christ.

I write these words so unsure of what this looks like in my life, so afraid of becoming calloused.

So afraid.

So Jesus? Please. Help me to live into these words.

Help me to live into You, into Your promises and Love and Light.

You didn't give up on this world.

Help me not to give up on You. Please forgive me for each time I have when I've believed the lie that things are hopeless.

Please, please forgive me.

Thank You for sitting by me today, for speaking truth and life.

Thank You for giving me one of Your dreams.

I love You.

Yours always,
danae

t.w.e.n.t.y{ONE}

I'm on the brink of a new year, a new age.

t.w.e.n.t.y{o.n.e}

And I think I'm a little more lost than I was a year ago stepping in to twenty.

I'm a little more uncertain of who I am or what YHWH's doing.

But I bless Jesus for this vantage point . . . because even though I'm in an uncomfortable place, my eyes have no where else to look besides up, and this is precious. :)

Jesus?

Thank You so much for walking with me through a year of adventure. There was pain and more pain and yet there was extreme joy stuffed in the open spaces. 

Thank You for what You're teaching me now about letting go of control and about repentance.

Thank You for putting me in places where I've recognized a little more clearly just how needy I am for You. A Radiator Shop. Broken Relationships. Too Much on My Plate. etc etc

Thank You for letting me feel the THRILL of being loved by You. For the gift of an incredible mentor. For feeling so excited about being alive in September and October especially.

Thank You for the people You've let me get to know in deeper ways, for all the laughter, the abundance of tears. Thank You that these are evidences that You really do work in my life too. I really need You.

I have no idea what You have for me as a twenty-one year old, but God? 

I'm Yours.

Please do whatever You want in me and with me. Would You please teach me what it means to follow You humbly? To realize that I am not healer? Will You teach me to give of myself  in relationships instead of simply taking? Will You teach me to continually confess and repent? 

Please teach me how to love You?

I praise You, God. I thank You for each of these twenty-one years. For the incredible milestones and memories. Oh man, Jesus, You have given me a lot. I will be held accountable for it, won't I? Please help me to live well? To live my life with open hands, open heart? 

I don't know much, Jesus. You know that. I have this fragile heart though. It's Yours. Thank You for twenty-one years of faithfulness to me. You have been my sweetest Treasure.

I love You, Father.

In Jesus' name,

amen.

Following Jesus, Not Following Needs

I was soooo tired. Soul, Body, Mind, Spirit. Just tired.

I was sitting by myself, eating dinner. There were few in the cafeteria with it being so late, and I was just finishing up when one of my brothers walked by and said, "Hello." He asked me how I was doing, and we started talking.

And I talked about how I was so tired, and I didn't know how to tell the difference between being tired because I'm doing good things {and the tiredness is normal, simply a sacrifice} versus being tired because I'm doing too many things that the LORD never meant me to do.

And my brother said something that I haven't been able to shake the past few days.

Some people follow the need, but we're not called to do that. We just need to be doing what Jesus has called us to do.

Heart Pierced.

And this deep question confronted my heart.

danae? are you following needs or are you following Jesus?

{Ouch}

Y'all, I get so distracted by the best of things. Needs overwhelm me. They're everywhere, and it doesn't seem like they're being met. People need to be heard and loved and encouraged. People need to be fed and held and given a warm place to stay. People need to be rescued and healed and protected.

My city is weeping without realizing it.

My fellow-warriors here at college, many of them are crying as well . . . so discouraged and tired and hurting. Some are falling through the cracks.

Neon-signs everywhere: NEED! NEED! NEED!

And I get distracted.

And because sometimes I get haughty and in my pride, I see these needs not being met and think that means nobody's doing anything, but I can! I can do something!

So I hop in to be the "good guy," and . . .

i forget Jesus.

My mission becomes about fulfilling needs, about being savior.

instead of loving Jesus and seeking what He wants.

And I've thought through this because I've heard it said that doing God's Will is meeting the needs around us, and in a sense, I think there's huge truth to that.

1 John 3:16-18 says,

"Bu this we know love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.
But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in Him? 
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

Love produces ACTION. Love sees need and reaches out.

But the proof that we're really loving people isn't demonstrated in our need-meeting . . .

{If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love . . . 
1 Cor 13:3a }

. . . but in whether or not we love God and obey Him.

{By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey His commandments. 1 John 5:2}

The focus is on GOD.

Not needs.

And I couldn't help thinking of Jesus' words in Matthew 9:37-38.

Then He said to His disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field." {NIV}

And I wonder. I can't harvest the whole field . . . and Jesus doesn't seem to be expecting His disciples to either. He doesn't tell them to meet all the needs of the harvest. He tells them to pray, that the LORD would send out more to meet the need of the plentiful harvest.

So as I reflect on this, I'm realizing that I can easily miss Jesus in doing good things. 

Meeting needs is not equated with following Jesus.

Oh Jesus, I want to seek YOU. I want to be available, to let You meet any need through me that You desire. 

I want to display my love for others by loving You and obeying You {not the other way around}.

And I will pray that You will send people to meet the needs that I see, always willing to be the one you send if that's a need You'd like to meet through me (I'd be so happy to do that) but realizing that You might have someone else in mind to meet that need or You may be working on that individual's life in such a way that the need shouldn't be met right away.

I'm here to follow You. To let You have control. Please forgive me for being distracted, for trying to take over Your role in busying myself with meeting needs. I'm glad You're God, and I'm not. I'll try to act more like Your daughter, like Your servant. I'm so glad to be Yours. I love You. Thank You for showing me these things, for reminding me of my priorities. You are my first Love, my King. I will follow You.

In Jesus' name,
amen.

Your Love Is River

Letters bounce in my fingers and tap through my fingertips, aching to come out somewhere, anywhere, and a blank computer canvas seems to be the perfect place.

Some people stay away from blogs because they don't want their personal diaries out in the world, there to be analyzed by an audience of strangers, friends, and those only held at arms length who clomp around the internet. 

Me?

Well, I guess I never intended this to be a place of raw emotion. It's more the chance to take a whirl at the brush and see if any beauty can come from the pain and joys and peace and brokenness of the everyday. 

So I type and type and type and try to bring redemption of some sort. 

But the Word whispers in my ear . . . I am the Redeemer, my Love. I am the Author of your story and as often as you try to write and rewrite and reorganize, . . . I am the only One who will make the ending sweet. Let go. 

I am no Redeemer. Not like my Jesus, but I am a witness to His redemption. 

And I beg to see it.

I beg to see it in the life of the family who's mother committed suicide on Friday.

I beg to see it in the life of a friend whose heart is broken, just when he was beginning to learn to be loved again.

I beg to see it in the life of the couple trying to figure out where their relationship goes from here . . . to move forward or to end? All for Jesus . . . through pain or joy. I pray for peace for them.

I beg to see it in the girl who has been running and running from Jesus. She sees Him trying to grab her attention again. Tragedy and tragedy comes, and He desires her HEART. But she's not quite ready to let go.

And Jesus? I beg to see it in me. The broken lover . . . the broken do-er and mover who can't seem to just be still in Your home. I beg to see it in my broken heart and my broken motives and motions and relationships. In my broken, cracked dreams. I beg to see it in my past decisions and actions and failures. I cannot redeem myself. 

We cannot redeem ourselves. Oh sweet friend, how often we try. We beat ourselves up, hoping we can bring redemption, work things out in the world so the balances are even. We try to over-correct our mistakes. We are not our redeemers.

But I know One who is very good at what He does.

Even when we can't see Him working.

He's beginning to show me His fingers again.

Moment by moment.

In different shadows and wells, I cup His love to my mouth and try to drink. I look at the sky when the birds soar across it and try to drink. I read the words that just fit and try to drink. I find His smile in the smile of a gentle heart and try to drink. 

And His love is our life, and His love, when we let it come and fill the dry corners, will bring a redemption of us. Because only love can change the dry, cracked, broken into something that can move and breathe and sing again. :)

Come, Redeemer. We will drink deeply of Your love and the hope found in hidden corners. Only You can redeem me. 

Your Thoughts

I'm a thinker.

Self-proclaimed self-analyzer.

I have thought myself through and through, trying to figure out who I am and where I stand and why I do what I do and think what I think. I have recently tried to figure myself out through every angle, every perspective, . . . except for His.

So in my fallible, messy heart, I tried to imagine what His words would be to me {what He thinks of me} because I'm so desperately longing for His response. What would His words be to you, friend? I wonder if they might sound similar.

Maybe something like this?

danae . . . oh danae, my Love.

You think I'm so far away, that I'm at work in others' lives, that you are too far beyond my reach. You think of yourself as the hard-hearted pharisee yet you deeply desire freedom from this. Oh my Love, I know. This is not how I see you. I see you as daughter. And you, my dearly loved child, I've seen you. I've seen your tears and your unanswered questions, and I understand why you've responded to life the way you have lately. I understand. I see. I know. Come to me. Just come. I still want you.

I know. I knew this all before it would happen. I allowed you to press forward into a relationship that I knew would break your heart, and I knew. I knew you would reach a moment of intense weakness, but I have leashed satan. He can go so far and no further. He has lied to you, danae, over and over, and I knew he would. I knew he would come at you when you were weak and down, but I promise I have never left you, and I have defended you, and I need you to come back to me. I need you to remember that I am Love, danae. I am Holiness and Mercy, and you can only find your peace in me. Come. Come to me. I know where the green pastures are and the quiet streams. I know. I will take you there. I will not leave you when the shadows of death rise. I will not forsake you. I have called you by name; You are mine, and I will not lose you because the Father has given you to Me. You are in my hands. I will pluck your feet from the net. Fear not, my love. Fear not.

You were not wrong when you called me gentle and kind. I will call you higher, and I will push you farther than you've ever dreamed, but I promise, I know how to grow you. I have grown thousands before you, and I have loved thousands, and we will get where we are going . . . together. Come, my love. Follow Me.

Sometimes I Need to be Reminded . . .

. . . that He does miraculous things with our lives, that He absolutely changes us. That HE is the Changer and Redeemer and Healer.

So encouraged, almost to tears, as I watched these videos. The LORD is remarkable, and it gives me HOPE that He will continue to work in me.

Be blessed, my friend.









Let it be known that we as God's kids are far from perfect. We have hurt each other and many others, and Jesus is still working on us. We are the products and the becomings of His grace. What we are becoming is something we could never dream of . . . praise Jesus.

Twenty-Thirteen

Hello twenty-thirteen.

I walked into you as a child just awakened from a deep sleep, and you were the light I wiped from my eyes. I wasn't sure I wanted to face you. I was too fragile. You were too brilliant and everything about you so uncertain, your light too unfocused.

But I took a couple small steps, fragile, cautious, hugging on to all I knew as comfort and familiar.

I walked into you, and now I'm nineteen steps in.

Nineteen miraculous steps in.

I am much safer than I've felt. I've been comforted, and while sometimes {often}, healing is a long, deep process, it has been coming.

I prayed for Brokenness in October.

I even warned one of my friends, told him he might want to keep his distance from me because it would be possible that everything would cave in my life in a while. I'm not even sure I knew what I was saying, but there was a little truth in that. :)

Not everything caved.

But some things did.

... so i entered twenty-thirteen a little broken ...

And I had to remember how to breathe again.

Questioning everything.

Feeling everything.

Feeling nothing . . . from Jesus.

And there is mystery in brokenness, in the way that it sends us spinning and is never quite as neat as we may hope it is.

But what precious piece of its "magic", that it is the perfect heart-condition for YHWH to work more mystery . . . of planting and uprooting, of confronting me and my false ideas of who He is and who i am.

Well . . . this can happen in brokenness.

This is what I want to happen.

This new year marks a new season.

But I won't forget what's been behind. I sure don't want to do that . . . I have left one of the most beautiful seasons in my life thus far. I have let go of precious things, and I grieve that. My desire is gratitude, to be thankful and to carry the gratitude and the many good memories forward into this brand new season. This season of brokenness and emptiness.

Jesus still feels far away more often than not these past few days, but tonight I want to praise Him for that because it's easy to praise YHWH when my feelings align with what I know, but when my feelings are sprawling and spinning and everything chaos, this is when I can prove to YHWH and myself that I KNOW beyond a doubt that He is GOD, regardless of my heart. I can prove that I do  trust Him and will live that trust.

I'm a mess, y'all! What a mess.

But WHAT A SAVIOR!!!!

So twenty-thirteen? I know I wasn't too sure about you, but I'm starting to get a little more excited for all the possibilities and unknowns you're hiding because YHWH is up to something I cannot see. And He is TRUSTWORTHY and FAITHFUL and CREATIVE and SLOW TO ANGER. He is GOOD.

I'm with You, Jesus. :) Please make me real and genuine and submissive. I am not who I should be, not who I want to be, and not who I will be, but {okay, okay ;)} it's time for me to stop trying to direct our relationship and my growth. You're perfectly capable. :) Thank You for being a Leader and a Lover. :) I will follow You.