Worship: Access into His Presence, into His Wholeness

There must be a different way to measure a life than these things called days and weeks and months, because I'm never able to wrap around the measuring tape before the thing squirms away from me.

I'm in my room, my home. It's Thanksgiving break, and I have a very nice to-do list, part of my family's sick, and it's almost time to go back to school and finish out a semester.

But as I'm here, enjoying the feeling of being still, I'm listening to a Kathy Troccoli CD, her 2005 worship album.

I can't tell you how much peace and hope you can find in a 2005 worship album.

I used to think that when I came to God in worship, I had to unload all my problems and struggles before Him first, or when my heart was full with my friends' pain and struggles, I thought I'd need to let go of the pressure in my heart before praising.

But I think I've been shown another way.

Awhile back, I went to the prayer chapel at my school. It's this sweet little building that looks like a miniature church where students can come and spend time praying, seeking, singing. I had so much to pray for; my heart was so overwhelmed.

I tried to pray but really couldn't get anywhere, so I started playing on the piano and singing. I sang, trying to sing my prayers.

"O precious is the flow,
That makes him white as snow,
No other fount I know.
Nothing but the blood of Jesus."

"Carry her every day,
Carry her all the way.
Hallelujah,
Carry her to the cross."

It was the week that so many I knew seemed to be falling apart. So many broken hearts.

And as I sang, I found myself in His presence.

And there is nothing more healing than His presence.

Jesus taught me that. Those wounded, sick, all they had to do was come into contact with the Savior, Him placing hands on broken flesh, broken eyes, ears. They were made well.

I realize that Jesus doesn't heal everything in His presence each time, and He definitely doesn't heal everything automatically, but there is wholeness in His presence that can't be found anywhere else. There is peace and joy there.

I realized that I could come praising and that relying on His character and praising Him for that would (in a way) allow each part of His character to touch each part of my brokenness.

This doesn't mean there's not a time for me to tell Him what is going on in my heart, and there is definitely always a very real place for confession. That has to be done, but maybe there really is something to the idea of "A.C.T.s", praying through Adoration, then Confession, then Thanksgiving. It's when I come in contact with His holiness that I realize my sinfulness. It's when I come in contact with His compassion that I realize I have a million reasons to say "Thank You." I worship Him for who He is and what He's done, and in so doing, I find that somehow, I leave, and my soul is a little more restored.

I love this Kathy Troccoli CD for the sound of the piano music, for the songs she picked, yes, but what I truly love about it is that it's access into His presence. Worship. It's the reminder that Jesus is worthy of praise and that His character meets me here, in a small town, in my yellow room, in my young and naive heart.

I can enjoy Him and be here and do homework and rest. I can let Him move my heart.

I'm edging into December, and December's been a difficult month for me these past three years. I think this month can be different. I think this month is marked in Hope, in a call to praise always, to praise anyway.

"Turn Your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace."

Come with me? Sing with me? May all praise be to our glorious King!

A Few Lessons: Rest

It is the last of the days of October [when I first started this post].

I won't lie. Maybe I breathe a longer sigh of relief than I should because it's over, letting out the steam of a rigorous month and just excited that this season won't last for ever. I sure know I'll mourn its loss, but for now, I am trying to live out the dying days. Kinda ironic. Kinda life.

Not that my life is horrible. Not that my life is always work and no break. Not that my life really is incessantly busy (sometimes it is . . . but not always).

But sometimes I feel so ill-fitted.

Sometimes the weight of the responsibilities get to me, and sometimes my emotions get to me, and sometimes not sleeping enough and eating too much sugar and not exercising like I should . . . it just gets to me.

Sometimes people meeting after people meeting dries me up a little, you know?

Sometimes trying to figure out the bizarre, unresolved corners of my life or even just the future, possible horizons . . . it wears me down. Gets to me.

This whole month, I'm not sure I've learned a lot about rest. I've wrestled though and have wanted to despise it, to call it out as fraud or impossible or that which belongs to the weak or the self-seeking.

But even if I've called it names . . . most of these are undeserved.

These are the lessons of rest (some of which I've learned from friends like Bonnie & Ethan):

1) To rest is to be vulnerable and to trust that the Lord is Sovereign and is the One in control . . . not me.

2) To rest is to realize I'm a person with limitations and that I am more than what I do or produce. I am a daughter of the I AM. His name is not "I DO."

3) To rest is to face myself without distraction. It is the courage to be still and face the Lord and face myself.

4) To rest is to help me safeguard against temptation. The more tired I am, the more prone I am to fall.

5) Rest is not just sleeping. Sleeping isn't even always restful. Rest is a holistic need . . . mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. Rest at its purest seems to be intentional.

6) Peace and Trust and Rest are very intrinsically linked. You have peace when relationships are right, and when relationships are right, there is trust, and only when there is some level of trust can there be true rest.

There are more lessons to be learned. I didn't dig as deep on this one as I should have. This is a rich topic that needs to be unearthed, and I'm so stubborn.

All I know is that sometimes, my life-line is just this . . .

He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.

Still waters.

Restoration.

Only in Him does holistic rest come. Jesus.

Ode to Day 13, 14, 15, 15 . . . 21

It would be sweet to say that these past few days have been days devoted to rest, and that's why this blog has been so silent.

The silence is eerie. Don't trust it. Though the past two days were pretty restful, some of the other past days haven't been, but I asked for that, right? Didn't I sign up for this?

I really don't feel like I've been busier than most, but I get tired quickly and sometimes just the constant going and going (even if it's not particularly rushed or too stressed) and the consistent people interactions wears me down.

Plus, life isn't restful. It's not.

And that's okay. That has to be okay.

I'm kind of getting sick of "rest." Ha :) Maybe because the seeking of rest can be positive or it can be entirely filled with selfishness and entitlement. How do I seek Him and find rest in Him without coming to rest with my definition of how I think it has to look like?

I wonder if finding rest is finding what Jesus wants for me in each minute, if it may be possible that that late night for a friend or long talk when I should have done homework or however (though extremely tiring) was just what He wanted of me, and maybe I can rest in that.

Maybe there is  rest that comes from knowing I am right where I need to be, that if He is really is the One asking this of me, it is fully worth it.

Still not sure what rest means, but step by step, if I can find my way to Jesus, I know I will find the rest that I need, maybe not the rest I assume is perfect but the kind of rest I really need.

Day 12: His Children Rest

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. {Ephesians}

I am the striving one. Building brick upon brick, every few minutes turning my head toward heaven, seeing if I've caught His eye, gained His approval. 

My working, my striving, my hoping that I can earn saving, . . . hopeless. 
Ceaseless working. Ceaseless restlessness.

Instead, the fortress I'm building collapses.
The ceaseless working leads to an incessant pride.
I collapse.

But God. 

Two words change everything.

But God.

"But God, being rich in mercy . . . " {Ephesians 2:4}

He reaches down and says that I don't have to work to earn anymore . . . because He did.

I am no longer slave but daughter.

I am no longer the far away one, but the one brought near.

I am given the gift of rest, a gift only given to a child. One speaker I heard once said that rest was a gift that proved one's acceptance into a family. Slaves don't rest. Only children do. 

Rest, His son. Rest, daughter of His.

We are given the gift and responsibility of walking in His good works for us, but we no longer have to work to gain His approval. This restlessness can cease.

Day 10: Burning Brilliance & Day 11: Resting Spirit

http://www.seamepost.com/good-news-2/shooting-stars-dont-miss-them-diary-for-2013/

Day 10: Burning Brilliance

Half-way through the torrent. Much behind, so much up ahead.

It's sweet mid-semester break.

How do I live life to the hilt but yet live with the realization that I am not able to do all?

How do I live the paradox of dreaming big dreams but realizing I am incapable of doing anything big in my strength?

Do I burn out brilliant? Giving all at once, a vibrant burst of star streaming across sky? It sure seems like if I'm living for the Kingdom of God, I should be giving ALL for it. I should be expending every possible piece of energy to bring His kingdom here.

But then, what about days like today? When I'm tired? Is there a rhythm to this life, or do I give all some days and label the days in between "recovery"?

Day 11: Being Still Always

I deeply admire William Wilberforce, very eager to read more about him. He worked so hard to accomplish his goals, Kingdom goals. He is quoted as saying, "So enormous, so dreadful, so irremediable did the [Slave] Trade's wickedness appear that my own mind was completely made up for abolition. Let the consequences be what they would, I from this time determined that I would never rest until I had effects its abolition."

Can anyone fault him for swearing not to rest? Or is rest not that simple?

I come to this place wondering what it means that rest may be a multi-faceted mountain.

There is physical rest, spiritual rest, emotional rest, mental rest.

Are pieces of these rests meant to be prioritized over others during certain stages of our lives?

Yes.

Resting our spirits seems to be priority always. Isn't resting rooted in trust? And isn't trust the very privilege and the non-negotiable requirement of the children of God?

Isn't rest, a stillness, that which goes along with knowing that He is God? The Be Still and Know?

While there seems to be very real times when my physical fervor must be expended beyond comfort, isn't it true that regardless, my spirit must always fight for rest in Jesus? Am I maintaining a relationship with Him that leads me to resting in Him, in wholeheartedly trusting Him?

Day 8 and Day 9: Holistic Rest & Restlessness

Day 8: Survived by a very real grace on three hours of sleep and a two hour nap. Wasn't rested. So exhausted. Weary. And the physical intersects with the emotional at the cross-section of the spiritual.

We were made to be whole.

And we holistically need rest.

Day 9: Still very tired. Of a different sort. The tired that makes me a little weak and susceptible, but at least I'm remembering to blog today! My goodness.

So I'll write.

But only this:

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You." - St. Augustine

Day 7: Only 30 Seconds

Last Wednesday evening was so special to me.

One of the prof's here took me out to dinner. She made me feel so incredibly loved, and I left feeling like Jesus bought me dinner and encouraged my heart, opened some airways so I could better breathe.

It was such a sweet time.

I asked this wise woman about prayer, and I didn't know how to string my question into words, but the heart behind my question was, "I am failing at praying, and I hate it. Will you help me?"

She said that every morning, right when she wakes up, she begins by saying out loud the Lord's prayer and Psalms 23, and throughout the day, she takes several 30 second or so pauses throughout the day, to breathe or pray.

I've been trying. Every morning, I try to begin with those words, the Lord's prayer, Psalms 23. I'm tired and groggy, but somehow, in the short span of time that I've been able to keep it up, I'm a little more anchored when my feet hit the floor.

As for the pauses, I really want this to become part of the way I live. I have definitely been more intentional about resting, about remembering to rest when I consciously take a few seconds to simply breathe, to simply be, to pray, to consciously rest in His presence.

Maybe it's worth a try. What might be your trigger that would help you remember to just pause for 30 seconds? To remember rest?