Thirty one days.
I have never blogged so much. In. My. Life.
It was quite the journey. :)
I don't know that I'm ending the thirty one days with many intense discoveries, but I have worked through some of the issues I struggled with, and I've spent more time with Jesus than I did the month before.
But the journey doesn't end here. It can't end here because I'm not done praying, and I don't want to be done learning what it means to really pray and pray HARD.
I wanted to end the month with how Jesus used prayer in my day today. On the thirty-first day.
I woke up this morning, went to breakfast, talked out group presentation with some of the people from marriage and family class, and then I headed to the library, weighed down in fatigue and brokenness.
It was the frustrated brokenness. The brokenness that is chaotic and confused and angry and sad. The brokenness that leaves me wondering how I'll make it through the rest of the day because it's suffocating and painful.
I traveled into worship chapel with a heavy heart, and I broke as we sang the words about God wrapping me in His arms and being my everything. Tears.
And I looked for one of my dear friends, Kayla. I needed that 11-99, someone to bring me to Jesus because I was breaking.
Oh Jesus! Thank You so much for Kayla!!!
Oh, I praise God for friends. Kayla, you hugged me and let me cry and share my hurt and brokenness. And I asked if you would pray, and you did. Thank you so much. You don't understand how powerful that was for me.
You spoke God's Word over me, and that was probably one of the most powerful parts. You claimed God's promises in your prayer, that if we seek, we will find. He'll open the door if we knock. That was so powerful for me.
But it was also very powerful just that You knocked on Heaven's door, and He listened to you and saved me.
The craziest thing was, I was still broken, but God's peace came in. It was no longer the confused, angry, hurt, frustrated brokenness. It was the peaceful kind, and I can survive the peaceful kind.
As my day continued, it became much better. It was sunny, and I made it through my presentation in Marriage and Family, and I survived my quiz in one class, and I laughed with coworkers at my job and with friends in general, and I worked out while laughing and talking with one of my roommates, and . . .
Jesus? You come to my rescue.
You come.
You are.
Thank You so much for listening to Kayla. Please help me to remember to be active in praying for others and to pray Your promises. That was SO POWERFUL when she prayed Your promises.
Thank You so much that You don't leave us as we are, but You change us and make us new. You teach us, Jesus. You teach us about Yourself and who we are and how to pray and grow and love.
You don't leave us as orphans. You come. You come into the brokenness and the pain, and sometimes You don't always take it away, but You bring Yourself into it. You bring peace into it.
Thank You for these 31 days. This isn't over, Jesus. Please, I don't want it to be over. I want to be committed to prayer like You, Jesus. That sounds overwhelming, but You know how to teach me step by step.
I love You. Thank You for being God and for being real. For being God in it all. I really am glad to be Simply Yours.
I love You, Jesus.
But I want to love You even more.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Day 30: Expectations
Sometimes, I have this idea that after I pray, I'm suppose to have everything figured out, everything lined up and smoothed over. I feel like that's not always how it works.
Sometimes prayer is just me giving up. I don't know if it does always make me feel better, but it's letting myself know and kinda letting Jesus know that I know (oh dear, . . . lots of knows) that He is capable of healing and making it all new sometime. In His time. He is capable of taking the junk and making it good. Just not always in my time or in my way, and I need to let that be okay.
Really, what are my expectations when I come to pray?
Dear Father,
I don't have very thrilling words to offer You today. My heart has had a yucky morning . . . a lot of feelings. Anger. Hurt. Frustration. And I've come to You, hoping You'd make it all right and make it all go away on my terms. You didn't. You don't work that way, and sometimes it scares me because I'm afraid You don't give me what I need.
I lose sight of You. I stop trusting. I am Israel.
Forgive me, Jesus. I know this is wrong. I don't always have the strength to change my mind. Please help me. Let. Go.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
Sometimes prayer is just me giving up. I don't know if it does always make me feel better, but it's letting myself know and kinda letting Jesus know that I know (oh dear, . . . lots of knows) that He is capable of healing and making it all new sometime. In His time. He is capable of taking the junk and making it good. Just not always in my time or in my way, and I need to let that be okay.
Really, what are my expectations when I come to pray?
Dear Father,
I don't have very thrilling words to offer You today. My heart has had a yucky morning . . . a lot of feelings. Anger. Hurt. Frustration. And I've come to You, hoping You'd make it all right and make it all go away on my terms. You didn't. You don't work that way, and sometimes it scares me because I'm afraid You don't give me what I need.
I lose sight of You. I stop trusting. I am Israel.
Forgive me, Jesus. I know this is wrong. I don't always have the strength to change my mind. Please help me. Let. Go.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Day 29: God-With-Man-Walks
Today I'm reposting my blog post from June 1st. It's about one specific prayer time that I had with Jesus. It was kind of one of those break through moments . . . sometimes, we just need to go back to what we KNOW. And we know some very important things as daughters and sons of YHWH.
Gray and Green
The sky was gray and the fields a marvelous green, and it was late, but I still knew it would be good for me to get out and walk for awhile to my road's nearest "T" and back a few times. There were still swatches of white light filtered through the clouds. The rain holding back for then.
And sometimes, the gray and the green are perfect colors for God-with-man walks.
God, I'm so confused and tired of fighting and thinking and this feeling of being so fake and my thoughts not even sounding like me anymore. I don't know about these things, Jesus!
danae, what do you know?What have I taught you?
And I spoke it. The clouds and the green blades my witnesses. For there are things I do know.
God, You are the One who sees me, who looks after me (Hagar).
You provide. On the Mount of the LORD, it will be provided (Abraham).
YHWH, this year, You've showed me that You are strong, that You can handle my emotions.
Father, I know that You are involved in the details of my life. That YOU, Creator, Nation Mover, Powerful God, that YOU are involved in my life, involved enough to speak into my heart situations.
I know that I am wanted. You WANT me, Jesus! I don't know why, but You've showed me that this is really true.
I know that I can trust You. Trust You to change me, to get me where I need to be. I love You.
God, this year, You've taught me about the importance of being honest with others, of living in transparent community. Living life with people.
And the sky opened a little and water sprinkled against my face.
And it was Jesus, and I closed my eyes and felt Him touching me.
I'm learning that it is a beautiful thing to live life open to God. I know that He knows everything about my life, but when I try to live in Him, trying to expose myself and live naked before Him like Eve in Eden, when I try to say how I'm feeling so I'm sharing it and opening myself to Him, then I am more free. I'm open.
And when I'm open . . . He can reach down and touch me. Even if it comes in rain drops against my face.
I'm still confused about some things, but it sure helps to be open. And really, there are very important things that I am NOT confused about. These I hold on to.
Thank You so much, Jesus, for going on that walk with me. You held my hand, Most High, didn't You? You are my Healer, and I love You. Thank You for touching me.
Gray and Green
The sky was gray and the fields a marvelous green, and it was late, but I still knew it would be good for me to get out and walk for awhile to my road's nearest "T" and back a few times. There were still swatches of white light filtered through the clouds. The rain holding back for then.
And sometimes, the gray and the green are perfect colors for God-with-man walks.
God, I'm so confused and tired of fighting and thinking and this feeling of being so fake and my thoughts not even sounding like me anymore. I don't know about these things, Jesus!
danae, what do you know?What have I taught you?
And I spoke it. The clouds and the green blades my witnesses. For there are things I do know.
God, You are the One who sees me, who looks after me (Hagar).
You provide. On the Mount of the LORD, it will be provided (Abraham).
YHWH, this year, You've showed me that You are strong, that You can handle my emotions.
Father, I know that You are involved in the details of my life. That YOU, Creator, Nation Mover, Powerful God, that YOU are involved in my life, involved enough to speak into my heart situations.
I know that I am wanted. You WANT me, Jesus! I don't know why, but You've showed me that this is really true.
I know that I can trust You. Trust You to change me, to get me where I need to be. I love You.
God, this year, You've taught me about the importance of being honest with others, of living in transparent community. Living life with people.
And the sky opened a little and water sprinkled against my face.
And it was Jesus, and I closed my eyes and felt Him touching me.
I'm learning that it is a beautiful thing to live life open to God. I know that He knows everything about my life, but when I try to live in Him, trying to expose myself and live naked before Him like Eve in Eden, when I try to say how I'm feeling so I'm sharing it and opening myself to Him, then I am more free. I'm open.
And when I'm open . . . He can reach down and touch me. Even if it comes in rain drops against my face.
I'm still confused about some things, but it sure helps to be open. And really, there are very important things that I am NOT confused about. These I hold on to.
Thank You so much, Jesus, for going on that walk with me. You held my hand, Most High, didn't You? You are my Healer, and I love You. Thank You for touching me.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Day 28: Preparing Through Prayer
Awhile back, I began this prayer journey. I tried to spend fifteen minutes with Jesus. These past few weeks, I've done miserably at this, but as I'm looking back, I feel like throughout each moment of prayer success (aka taking those times to pray) Jesus has used it to bring me so much closer to Him. So much closer.
And now, as I have stepped into the present circumstances, into some of the cresting waves and the winds that I'm working out now, I know more fully that Jesus will bring me through it. That I'll be safe. That He will be right there. And I know this because He's prepared me and showed me more who He was through prayer.
I love the way that He drew me to His throne about a month ago because He knew what would be ahead of me and knew I'd need that time with Him, and that I need to start forming habits that will send me living and breathing in His throne room. Such a precious thing.
I prayed again this morning for about fifteen minutes. Though the broken pieces of my situations haven't magically been put together yet, it felt good to be back at His feet again, and I'm planning on spending that time tonight. I need Jesus. And He shows up. <3
Dear Father,
You know. Everything. Thank You so much for calling my heart to prayer. You know how many times I've been so frustrated with it and with myself, but I don't regret any of those minutes spending time with You. Please forgive me for when I've failed. I want my time with You, Jesus, to be so engrained within me that it's a natural part of my day.
Can we change the fifteen minutes to a half an hour? Maybe someday to an hour? Please call me close, Jesus. I love You. Thank You so much for being here with me. You really are so good.
Love,
Your danae girl :) Aka Amen. :)
And now, as I have stepped into the present circumstances, into some of the cresting waves and the winds that I'm working out now, I know more fully that Jesus will bring me through it. That I'll be safe. That He will be right there. And I know this because He's prepared me and showed me more who He was through prayer.
I love the way that He drew me to His throne about a month ago because He knew what would be ahead of me and knew I'd need that time with Him, and that I need to start forming habits that will send me living and breathing in His throne room. Such a precious thing.
I prayed again this morning for about fifteen minutes. Though the broken pieces of my situations haven't magically been put together yet, it felt good to be back at His feet again, and I'm planning on spending that time tonight. I need Jesus. And He shows up. <3
Dear Father,
You know. Everything. Thank You so much for calling my heart to prayer. You know how many times I've been so frustrated with it and with myself, but I don't regret any of those minutes spending time with You. Please forgive me for when I've failed. I want my time with You, Jesus, to be so engrained within me that it's a natural part of my day.
Can we change the fifteen minutes to a half an hour? Maybe someday to an hour? Please call me close, Jesus. I love You. Thank You so much for being here with me. You really are so good.
Love,
Your danae girl :) Aka Amen. :)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Day 27: Trust & Prayer
"Prayer is the exercise of trust." - Clarissa Smith
My roommates are WONDERFUL, and I was asking one of them to randomly give me a quote on prayer, and those are the words she gave me. She makes a good point.
Prayer and Trust.
It made me think. If this is true, then it means that when I'm not trusting well, I'm not praying. Is my trust in God reflected in how I pray? Even in when I pray?
This also reminds me about relationship. I trust those in my "inner circle" of friends very much. They've proven that I can be danae, and that they'll love me regardless . . . no matter what that looks like. I trust them, even in my awkwardness and dorkiness and dirt. They still love. If they didn't, I would run away much more quickly.
But yet, I run away from Jesus when my sin slips in and entangles me. I run from Him when I'm distracted. This doesn't always bring me to my knees. I'm pretty sure that means I'm not trusting Him in this.
Do I trust that Jesus will take me as I am? Do I trust Him enough to run to Him when I'm not enough, when I've known better and done *fill-in-the-blank* anyways? Do I trust Him to do with me what needs to be done and to love me the way I need to be loved?
My trust should propel me to my knees. Back to that throne room. Thank You, Clarissa Smith, for pointing that out. I love you. <3
Dear Father,
I've run, huh? I've run from You because I don't feel like I've measured up. Sometimes I run because I don't want to change. But I want to trust You. With all my heart.
I love You.
In Jesus' name.
Amen. <3
My roommates are WONDERFUL, and I was asking one of them to randomly give me a quote on prayer, and those are the words she gave me. She makes a good point.
Prayer and Trust.
It made me think. If this is true, then it means that when I'm not trusting well, I'm not praying. Is my trust in God reflected in how I pray? Even in when I pray?
This also reminds me about relationship. I trust those in my "inner circle" of friends very much. They've proven that I can be danae, and that they'll love me regardless . . . no matter what that looks like. I trust them, even in my awkwardness and dorkiness and dirt. They still love. If they didn't, I would run away much more quickly.
But yet, I run away from Jesus when my sin slips in and entangles me. I run from Him when I'm distracted. This doesn't always bring me to my knees. I'm pretty sure that means I'm not trusting Him in this.
Do I trust that Jesus will take me as I am? Do I trust Him enough to run to Him when I'm not enough, when I've known better and done *fill-in-the-blank* anyways? Do I trust Him to do with me what needs to be done and to love me the way I need to be loved?
My trust should propel me to my knees. Back to that throne room. Thank You, Clarissa Smith, for pointing that out. I love you. <3
Dear Father,
I've run, huh? I've run from You because I don't feel like I've measured up. Sometimes I run because I don't want to change. But I want to trust You. With all my heart.
I love You.
In Jesus' name.
Amen. <3
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Day 26: Broken
I don't have much to offer Jesus tonight.
But brokenness. A lot of brokenness.
So here's my prayer.
Jesus?
You see. Please come in. Please save me.
David uses good words to talk about the mire.
the muck. the sinking.
Please pull me out.
Love,
Your danae girl.
But brokenness. A lot of brokenness.
So here's my prayer.
Jesus?
You see. Please come in. Please save me.
David uses good words to talk about the mire.
the muck. the sinking.
Please pull me out.
Love,
Your danae girl.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Day 25: Thank You, Jesus
There are so many aspects of prayer.
Part of me doesn't want to mention them though. I don't want to make prayer scientific. I want to make it real. I want to make it all about loving Jesus and meeting Jesus and being real before Him.
But there is one aspect of prayer that is so important, that must never be seen as scientific but as a fresh, beautiful form of speaking to our Maker. This is thankfulness.
Gratitude is one of the most beautiful vessels of healing and praise. It's a two fold beauty. I've experienced its healing, but even so, I don't thank Him enough.
One way that I have tried to remember to say Thank You is to carry with me a piece of paper and just list the things that I'm thankful for, list the ways that I see Jesus loving on me and revealing His goodness to me through people, circumstances in the day. This has helped, but I haven't done it very often. Tomorrow's a new day. I should do it tomorrow. :)
How do you remember to say thanks? Any helpful hints?
Dear Father,
You have given such beautiful gifts, Lord. And some of them aren't beautiful at all, but they are good because You are, because You use them for my good. Please create in me a thankful spirit, one that always turns back to tell You "thank You."
In Jesus' name.
amen
Part of me doesn't want to mention them though. I don't want to make prayer scientific. I want to make it real. I want to make it all about loving Jesus and meeting Jesus and being real before Him.
But there is one aspect of prayer that is so important, that must never be seen as scientific but as a fresh, beautiful form of speaking to our Maker. This is thankfulness.
Gratitude is one of the most beautiful vessels of healing and praise. It's a two fold beauty. I've experienced its healing, but even so, I don't thank Him enough.
One way that I have tried to remember to say Thank You is to carry with me a piece of paper and just list the things that I'm thankful for, list the ways that I see Jesus loving on me and revealing His goodness to me through people, circumstances in the day. This has helped, but I haven't done it very often. Tomorrow's a new day. I should do it tomorrow. :)
How do you remember to say thanks? Any helpful hints?
Dear Father,
You have given such beautiful gifts, Lord. And some of them aren't beautiful at all, but they are good because You are, because You use them for my good. Please create in me a thankful spirit, one that always turns back to tell You "thank You."
In Jesus' name.
amen
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