Footprints

Two.Thousand.Eleven.

What a year.

I just finished a while ago going through my old prayer journals for the year and my oh my. What a ride of a year. :)

This was the year of three mentors. Of four jobs. Of visiting six churches before I've possibly settled on one.

This was the year of new. New experiences, new church, new ministry.
This was the year of being broken, of hurting. This was also the year of healing. Of Jesus coming through.

I would rather not relive most of this year again, but I am still grateful for it. One of the professors at my school was sharing his life's journey, and he gave us ten points. The first point was that the most difficult is the most meaningful. That sums up my 2011. While it was probably the most difficult year I've had yet, it was also possibly one of the most meaningful. Jesus met me in ways I wouldn't have been able to imagine at the beginning of the year.

Jesus taught me so many things and gave me so many good opportunities in the midst of the painful places. Some of the highlights of this year:

My friend taking me to the waterfalls and my nose bleeding. And bleeding. And bleeding. Embarrassing but hilarious memory.

Hearing Josh Wilson live sing on my birthday with two of my dear friends.

Being mentored by Heather. Jesus used her to help change my heart, helped me begin to heal after the brokenness.

Good talks with my family, "healing rain" coming.

Being prayed for as I went through the line of Tadmor people surrounding me on either side.

Working with Jennifer was for sure a highlight of working at Camp Tadmor this summer.

Tadmor letting me off to go to my church camp and be a counselor for a few days/nights . . . highlight of my year. I LOVE Drift Creek and those kids so much.

Laughing with my friends after we hit a deer on the way to our college retreat.

Working on workcrew at Wildhorse (the all college retreat).

Laughing and laughing with my friends Kayla and Clarissa as we went to Thai food, rode the tram, went to Fred Meyers, and tried to act like we knew what we were doing under the hood of my car. One of my favorite nights.

Going with friend Kayla to a hospital, delivering flowers to some of the patients. Another one of my favorite nights.

Having a date with Briana (sister) and going to Portland and to a fantastic wedding. Many memories.

Laughing, crying, and praying with my two roommates: Bethany and Clarissa. They have been such beautiful blessings to me. Jewels. There are several other wonderful memories I have of them both.

People praying for me, with me. Jesus showing me the power of having others pray for you in the moment.

Going on the high ropes course and just hanging out with my class from Experiential Learning on our retreat. Conquering fear of heights.

Being at Multnomah again for another semester. I love that place so much. I love the people. So many highlights of people just blessing my socks off and loving me. Friends? I love you so much. So many fun memories with many different people.

Some sweet, anonymous friend leaving me a wonderful gift of new clothes and boots!!! Blessed me so much.

The times I could come home this semester and rest, and the homecoming when Briana came back from California, and the family could be together again.

These are only some of my highlights from 2011. There are lots more of them and of wonderfully good memories. If you're reading this, and I didn't mention you, please forgive me because you are dear to me too, even if I didn't mention you by name.

I am still quite single. And I still love Jesus. :) But maybe (hopefully) even more than I did a year ago.

About a week ago, some of my friends pointed me (separately) to the Footprints in the Sand poem. Now I've seen that poem/writing several times and thought it was "nice" but didn't think too much of it. After all, it was pretty popular too, and I didn't want to hang on to something just because it was popular. Well now the poem has kind of lost its publicity, but as I read the parts of it that I was given to read, it took on very new, real meaning as I looked at it with new eyes, reading it as if it was my story. Here is part of it:

The Lord replied, "My [daughter], My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During, your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you."

Jesus was there. Through all of it. Oh dear friend, can you look back at YOUR year? Can You see that in those times you wouldn't mind erasing or at least pushing back to the edge of your memory, that it was in these times that Jesus carried you? He was there. He knew we wouldn't be able to see Him then, but if we look back, maybe we can see Him now, see that He never ever left. Alleluia.

He walked with me through the "No." He held me when I cried, when I felt so alone, so afraid that no one would really love me the way I needed to be loved. Jesus? You never left me. You let me walk through the process of it all. You held my hand through the "Yes" of Tadmor, and You knew how difficult it was for me to work there and the struggle of it, of waking up early, going to bed late, the constant doing. You held me when I cried as I came back to Multnomah, and things had to be different. And You sent people to love me in the processes. You walked me through finding a new church, new ministry. And in the meantime, You taught me that Your thoughts are greater than mine, that Your ways are higher. Better.

You showed me that You are so very much active and interested in me personally, in my life, in my relationships, my future. You taught me that my desire to be "real," sincere, was more of a desire to be worthy, but the truth is, I am unworthy. There is nothing I can do about that. And that's OK because You love me where I'm at, in my unworthiness. You love me here and make me new. I can give up striving and start realizing that I am Yours, that the story is about You and not about me doing.
You remind me that You sing over me songs of deliverance. You helped me see that I need to keep my eyes LOCKED on You, and I picture that when I pray often now. I picture looking into Your eyes and the setting is the sea and the storm, and we're walking on water, and I need to keep my eyes on Your eyes.

You taught me about being honest with You, about telling You when I'm not on track. You also showed me the importance of just being in Your presence and realizing that even when I'm not on track, I still need to be with You, need You to come into my distraction and pain. I can't just stay away from you and run from You in my pain and in my darkness and sin.

I thank Jesus that I am [hopefully] a different danae than I was a year ago. I am being made new. I'm super curious about what 2012 holds. I still have yet to make resolutions, but even if I don't get around to it or even if I don't have them yet, one thing and only really one thing needs to be settled.

I'm all ready . . . as long as Jesus is coming with me and walking with me through this brand new year. I am ready . . . no matter what comes, just as long as Jesus stays and holds my hand through it. Hallelujah. He has promised to never leave and never forsake. He will keep working on me. He will stay. And because of this, I can face a new year with anticipation. This is His story, and my Father writes fantastic stories. :)

So, goodbye two.thousand.eleven. I am glad to see you ending in many ways. You were hard on me, but I am very grateful for you. I won't forget you. Enjoy hanging out with the rest of the closed chapters of my life.

And hello, two.thousand.twelve. I'm ready for the adventure. With Jesus. :)

I Need

There are so few things that I need here. So few things.

But one thing that I NEED, that I don't just want, don't just need on occasion but with-every-breath-desperation, I need Jesus.

Literally.

I need the God-Man who stepped on this earth here. I NEED You. I will SCREAM it. I will write it. I will pray it. I will sing it. I need YOU, Jesus. Hallelujah.

It is YOU who carry me, who make me laugh, and let me cry. You give me peace when I'm too stressed to think clearly. You give me HOPE, make me smile. You heal me in the deep parts. What would I be without You? I need YOU, Jesus.

Thank You for being You, for being here . . . just when I need You. I am so glad to be Yours. Everything else can fade into the background because all that really matters is covered. My deepest need taken care of every moment by You, Jesus. Thank You.

But it's not just about me needing. I want You too, Lord! I WANT to be with You. Let me live to extend myself, to really give myself to You. To not just need You (take in) but to really love You (give out).

Emmanuel

Christmas break.
home. safe. sleep.

and i am infected
with red bumps and bloodstained world.

and You wear my skin for just awhile.

is human skin scratchy to God?
does it itch and burn the spirit of YHWH
to wear our dirt?

oh Jesus, You did.

and a few thousand years back,
a little girl's stomach swelled,
and You bumped against her rib cage
and felt the rhythm of human heart.

this was Your choice.

Emmanuel.

that we may know YHWH.

that we may hear His voice

and see what love really is.

that we may be saved from our own skin. flesh. brokenness.

You come.

And again,

You will come,

that we may meet our full salvation.

that we may see Who Love really is.

and hear His voice.

that we may know YHWH.

Emmanuel.

we are not alone.

The Weeks of the End

finals week. edging near. creeping, pouncing.

RAWR.

the lion, right next to my ear.

but You, Jesus, You've calmed greater storms than

papers and exams.

teach me to lay my stress down.

my problems are not most significant.

not in the long run.

i am tiny.

the moon reminds me.

but You hold me in Your hands.

and my baby problems.

and You see them as significant to me.

but not so big.

thank You.

we can do this.

You've already won.

thanks, Dad.

i love You.

love from: simply Yours.

Jesus? THANK YOU!!!!

Thank You, Jesus.

for loving me.
with pure, rich love.

for loving me enough
to hurt me sometimes
and make me laugh other times.

thank You for hope,
and the way it ribbons
throughout my story.
Your story of me.

thank You for our adventures.
mexico. drama. hospital visits.

thank You for keeping me awake
on those long homework nights.
for sustaining me with strength
time and time and time
again.

thank You for giving me
daily bread.
all i need for the moment.
(sometimes it's just enough
other times, You give more)

thank You for a home.
for nestling me in
in these moments.
with these people. family.

thank You for being SO REAL.
for being REAL in the questions.
REAL in the answers.
You are I AM.

thank You for making me quirky
and loving me in my messes.
my truck load of imperfections.
sometimes, it makes me laugh
how messy i am.
how awkward i am at this thing called
life.
but the way You embrace me as i am
makes me laugh
and love being danae
and love even more than i am Yours.
simply Yours.

thank You for Your blood.
Jesus, i AM unworthy.
and You love me here and
make me grow.
Your blood, Your story of horror
makes me live. sets me free.
i owe You everything.
(here i am --- please use me,
forgive me for being scared.
please make me brave)

thank You for shepherding my heart.
for being my Father.
my Best Friend.
faithful Love.

thank You, Jesus.
for . . . well, . . .
everything.
You are a Father of good gifts.
hallelujah.
we don't deserve You.
but i exalt You.

You are JEHOVAH.
YHWH.
Creator. King. Lord.

worthy of all praise.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jesus.
i love You.

A New Twist on Gratitude

Lately, I've found myself feeling very sentimental about my time here at Multnomah. I walk the same cement sidewalks again and again, and I can't imagine living another life. After all, I have BIBLE READING for HOMEWORK! How better can life be? I'm surrounded by beautiful people who love Jesus and make me laugh and let me cry. I'm connected with friendships that are DEEP because they're tied in by Jesus. We try to know each other and encourage each other. I love the way that I can go on adventures with friends with the sole purpose of just loving people because we have (or make) the time and have the resources. I love that I have a community that I feel comfortable with. I love this world.

And recently, I feel like I've been living in this awkward place of sentiment, not living in the enjoyment of the world but living in a space of being afraid of letting it go.

I came to Multnomah University last year. I fell in love. The people. The Bible. The Chapels. (the list goes on. even in the little things. dorm life. cafe food. gym access. chance to "be an adult." i'm a dork. smile.) But I've told myself that I don't want to nose dive deep into debt unless this is where I KNOW God wants me. Plus, I really have no rock solid plan for my future, so while I would LOVE to continue at MU (and just might), I feel like I'm living with the possibility that some of these moments could be my last. This could be my last fall semester. (COULD). These months living in the dorms with beautiful daughters of God could be numbered. (COULD). I don't know.

But instead of simply embracing every moment, I'm afraid I'm trying to smuggle every moment. Letting every beautiful memory end on with a twinge of sad.

And it's here I think Jesus wants to teach me something about Gratitude.

You see, I think thankfulness is about letting go.
Yep.
I said it.

Gratitude fully experiences. It experiences the moments, lifts the moments to God to bless Him for it, and lets the moments go to experience the new ones.

Gratitude keeps us from getting stuck.

Well, in theory it should. I can't say I'm a big pro on that yet, but I think Jesus is trying to show me something valuable here.

There are so few guarantees in this life. Am I surrendering every moment? Am I living like the sprinkles of soft rain on my face and the laughter with friends and the worship in chapel are undeserved gifts from God that I must FULLY EXPERIENCE and then carefully let go to experience the other gifts that He continues to bring my way? I've got some thinking to do. :)

Day 31: The Unfinished Finale

Thirty one days.

I have never blogged so much. In. My. Life.

It was quite the journey. :)

I don't know that I'm ending the thirty one days with many intense discoveries, but I have worked through some of the issues I struggled with, and I've spent more time with Jesus than I did the month before.

But the journey doesn't end here. It can't end here because I'm not done praying, and I don't want to be done learning what it means to really pray and pray HARD.

I wanted to end the month with how Jesus used prayer in my day today. On the thirty-first day.

I woke up this morning, went to breakfast, talked out group presentation with some of the people from marriage and family class, and then I headed to the library, weighed down in fatigue and brokenness.

It was the frustrated brokenness. The brokenness that is chaotic and confused and angry and sad. The brokenness that leaves me wondering how I'll make it through the rest of the day because it's suffocating and painful.

I traveled into worship chapel with a heavy heart, and I broke as we sang the words about God wrapping me in His arms and being my everything. Tears.

And I looked for one of my dear friends, Kayla. I needed that 11-99, someone to bring me to Jesus because I was breaking.

Oh Jesus! Thank You so much for Kayla!!!

Oh, I praise God for friends. Kayla, you hugged me and let me cry and share my hurt and brokenness. And I asked if you would pray, and you did. Thank you so much. You don't understand how powerful that was for me.

You spoke God's Word over me, and that was probably one of the most powerful parts. You claimed God's promises in your prayer, that if we seek, we will find. He'll open the door if we knock. That was so powerful for me.

But it was also very powerful just that You knocked on Heaven's door, and He listened to you and saved me.

The craziest thing was, I was still broken, but God's peace came in. It was no longer the confused, angry, hurt, frustrated brokenness. It was the peaceful kind, and I can survive the peaceful kind.

As my day continued, it became much better. It was sunny, and I made it through my presentation in Marriage and Family, and I survived my quiz in one class, and I laughed with coworkers at my job and with friends in general, and I worked out while laughing and talking with one of my roommates, and . . .

Jesus? You come to my rescue.

You come.

You are.

Thank You so much for listening to Kayla. Please help me to remember to be active in praying for others and to pray Your promises. That was SO POWERFUL when she prayed Your promises.

Thank You so much that You don't leave us as we are, but You change us and make us new. You teach us, Jesus. You teach us about Yourself and who we are and how to pray and grow and love.

You don't leave us as orphans. You come. You come into the brokenness and the pain, and sometimes You don't always take it away, but You bring Yourself into it. You bring peace into it.

Thank You for these 31 days. This isn't over, Jesus. Please, I don't want it to be over. I want to be committed to prayer like You, Jesus. That sounds overwhelming, but You know how to teach me step by step.

I love You. Thank You for being God and for being real. For being God in it all. I really am glad to be Simply Yours.

I love You, Jesus.

But I want to love You even more.

In Jesus' name.
Amen.