It's taking me minutes made of minuscule millenniums to read the pages for Theology Proper tomorrow, the words meshing together and my brain forgetting them after I've read them.
Junior year of college.
And so I wake up my sleeping laptop and find myself in front of an open blog page, waiting to be filled, and somewhere I have a list of all the things I've been wanting to blog about, like how Jesus has taught me about His love and dependence. About how I want to let go of being so controlling. About "embracing the lonely".
When I have the time.
So I write when I don't have the time. Always. Smile.
Can I share with you about Isaiah and how it wrecked me this summer? Because I think it will be easier for me to blog then read for an assignment due tomorrow. Snap-Crack-It! (It will get done, don't worry!) Anyway, . . . back to this summer.
Summer seems miles behind me as I'm buried in school work and nestled in a home away from my home 2 hours away, but summer was filled with graces and rough patches.
I entered summer in a daze, just finishing an exhausting semester, broken, worn-out, lost.
I had lost Jesus in the book work, in the deadlines, in trying to rescue my world on my own. I missed Him, and I blamed it on Bible college.
But really, I was the one who had ceased to pound on His door.
Summer propelled me into small town living with family and a job that kept me busy from 8am - 5pm, sometimes later. I worked at a Radiator Shop and learned to recognize RV parts and classic rock songs. I drove a pickup truck with pistols in the door and hunting logos on the window. Within a week, I went from studying the Bible as my occupation to studying Monaco's surplus items. I had gone from hearing words like egalitarian, complimentarian, canonical books, Colossians to dimple tubes, air condensers, re-cores, and radiators.
I was exhausted at the end of the long days and struggled to invest in my family, and they felt dejected. I felt overwhelmed, flailing and failing.
And Jesus saved me through a gentle lake on quiet mornings and the book of Isaiah.
There is a GORGEOUS lake only a few minutes from the Radiator Supply House, and in the early morning, it lays clear and expansive, quiet. Towards the middle of the summer, Jesus and I spent some time by that lake, and we opened up Isaiah and God revealed Himself as the God of Compassion.
I had struggled to see His interaction in my life, and I was wondering if I had blown it, if I was even really walking with Him. And while I had blown it, He blew me away with His grace.
Because in the end, He desires to show compassion.
The Jewish people consistently walked away from YHWH. He knew it. He disciplined them for it. Again. And Again. And Again. Isaiah's full of this talk.
But His heart was always in saving that remnant. He longed/longs to have compassion.
And that helped wound me into healing.
Because if this is really true, then what if my situation and my brokenness weren't hopeless? What if He was longing to show compassion, to bring me back to Himself? What if this was His end goal, and what if His end goals are always completed?
What if God really is the One working in us for His good pleasure? What if He is the One who equips us for His good work? (Heb 13:21-22)
What if we're really not in charge of leading our relationship with Him, but instead, He's the One that desires to lead us and bring us through our discrepancies into integrity, and He will --- if we let Him?
What if His compassion is stronger than our continual falls?
What if He really does want the best for us who love Him?
God relates to us through His compassion, through the fact that He is slow to anger, abounding in love. He remains just. Pure.
It was a process, but Jesus began awakening my soul and restoring it as He showed me more fully who He is. He is a God who desires to show me personally His compassion, His love. Through learning more of His character and of His incredible love, I began to have a little more purpose and more reliance on Him as I worked at the Radiator Shop. I was able to speak about Jesus like I knew Him, because I was beginning to really get to know Him.
Jesus filled me with His love this summer.
Or maybe I should say, Jesus began working in me this summer in restoration, in love-filling. And I don't want to forget that.
Especially as I'm back in this absurd little world called Bible College. :) I want to remember His love and His compassion. I want to know the Person, not just the descriptions, and that He desires to personally interact with me. He does so in compassion.
This God we serve is absolutely mind-blowing. "Oh what love!"
Well, I better wrap this up. I still need to get some Theology reading done, but I'm glad for the reminder to keep my eyes on the God of our Theology. The God of powerful compassion.