Friday, December 31, 2010

"Before the Morning": One Last Post for 2010

Two-Thousand-And-Ten. What a year this has been, and as the last day of December slips away, I stay true to my tradition of reflecting on this past year. :) I read through most of my past 2010 journal entries and blog posts. Wow! What a year!

Since I'm a stubborn-list-writer, here were some of the highlights:

>> Growing close to friends from high school . . . such a blessing.

>> 18th birthday and for all the sweet friends who surprised me with cupcakes and words and receiving Sara Beth Geoghegan's signed CD from Bri among many other things. :)

>> Going to MEXICO for a Missions Trip!!! Good memories <3

>> Having a Cream Cheese war with Briana while making Mom's birthday cheesecake. Oh yes. :)

>> Meeting Sara Reeves at Acquire the Fire.

>> Senior trip! Growing closer to my classmates, laughing, sharing memories and encouragement. Good times.

>> Graduation and Open House! Such a fun time.

>> Being a camp counselor! Miss it and my girls! Hope to go back next year!!! :)

>> The blessing of scholarships, of hearing directly from my admissions counselor when I got bumped up to an unexpected scholarship. GRACE.

>> Making paper airplanes with special needs kids at school Mom takes her patient to.

>> Going to Iowa for family reunion.

>> Older man joining me at Grandma Z's doc appointment, putting a puzzle together with me. Being a friend. :)

>> Making S'mores over the stove for first time with friends from Iowa. :)

>> Catching 4 fish at Clear Lake with family. :)

>> Receiving red roses from my prayer sis from Jesus. :)


>> Finding a church home, Burlingame! After the 2nd church visit too! Such a blessing!!

>> Conquering a rock wall and a HUGE, SCARY SWING at Wildhorse with friend. Some more fears killed. :)

>> Laying under the beautiful stars at Wildhorse with one of my best friends, sharing stories and questions for Jesus.

>> Started work at Glenfair Elementary School, working with kiddos, listening to them read.

>> Mom, Dad, and Sister surprising me by coming to my church one Sunday!!! (One of my favorite memories of this year)

>> Coming home and having chocolate ice cream with my Grandma and Grandpa. Such a special, sweet time. :)

>> Going to the Art Museum with one of my good friends.

>> Eating and talking with friend and listening to his testimony at Catacombs. (Definitely another big highlight of year)

>> Fall Banquet! :) And finding the car LOCKED in the parking garage and Shari's hot chocolate and talking late. Such good times. ADVENTURES! haha :)

>> Bowling with College Group, aka COLLIDE.

>> Donating blood. :) And passing out for the first time ever! :) haha

>> A sweet, older friend at church, her kind words to me. LOVE HER!

What a year. :) And those were only some of the major things. You see, life is like a package. There are big items in the cardboard box, and then there are the packing peanuts. However, each peanut is significant. It's when we can be grateful for the packing peanuts, the little, special events in our life that most would let go unnoticed, THESE are what make life special, like all the times I've laughed with my roommate and friend, when a waitress at Shari's gave a fellow classmate and me a free 1/2 a cinnamon roll because we weren't eating with the rest of our class, like all the long letters from my friend Kayla, from the packages in the mail, for every day when it was sunny when it could have rained. I don't want to stop looking for beauty. In fact, I want to do so much better in 2011.

This was also a year of music. Here are some of the top songs that I played on YouTube:

"Times" (Tenth Avenue North), "Something Beautiful" (NEEDTOBREATHE), "Nearer" (Merideth Andrews), "You Can Have Me" (Sidewalk Prophets), "Beautiful Ending" (BarlowGirl), "Before the Morning" (Josh Wilson), "Everything Falls" (Fe), "Lemonade" (Chris Rice), "Falling Slowly" (Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova), "Beautiful Things" (Gungor), "God of the Impossible" (Sara Reeves), "Restless" & "Ought to Be" (Audrey Assad) and many Sara Grove (and other Chris Rice) songs.

"Before the Morning" probably sums up the year best. This was a year of a lot of pain. Things fell apart in ways I would have never imagined. Relationships broke, hearts cracked, and some of us are still trying to figure things out. But morning has begun to come. I see it. I see the shafts, the sunlight and think I maybe hear the last refrain of the music of the dark. Precious grace and goodness of God. We can be free.

I also hope to think that I've learned a little more since this time last year. Well, I'm hoping. :)

I've learned/was reminded that Jesus is powerful and strong enough to change our hearts, to give us the strength and grace to make the right decisions when He is our choice.

I've learned that I can't let the fear of pain keep me from being involved with other people's lives. I've learned about community and how people are so important and how we need to really spend time with each other.

I've learned that we're all from the same clay, just God's kids, that we won't be perfect, but His love is so strong and reaches far beyond our performance.

I've been reminded of the importance of just being still and knowing who is God. (HE is!)

I have been shown in such more vivid ways that Jesus is so REAL, that if He would come to America in our human skin, I'd probably see Him in jeans and a nice shirt . . . He'd look like us because He is REAL and came here in our skin. Jesus is relevant!

Jesus is a firm foundation and a strong refuge. I can be safe in Him.

I am unaware of the least of His intentions for me. I can only see so much.

I've learned to trust more fully (okay, I'm trying to learn this!), I've learned to let go of some of my expectations, to try to accept life with hands more open.

I've been shown that there are four major steps to victory from Pastor Phil: "buy into the vision, know your enemy, pray & keep watch, and know your source of strength."

I'm trying to learn.

I made a whole lot of mistakes this year, but God is redeeming, healing, teaching, correcting, disciplining, loving. I'm so excited that He's not done with me, with this piece of stubborn clay. I'm still on His potter's wheel. Oh how grateful I am for this!

Well, because this blog post is already crazy long, I think I'll wait and spend time thinking about what I hope to see in 2011, but for now, as I continue to think about 2010, I want to glorify the Lord and thank Him. Oh friends, He has brought me through such crazy, good, horrible things. He is my best Friend and all that I need, and I am safe in Him. I want to end this with part of the lyrics from a song that's currently playing on Pandora, . . . "Amazed" (sung by Philips, Craig, and Dean).

"You dance over me,
While I am unaware.
You sing all around,
But I never hear the sound.

Lord, I'm amazed by You . . .
How You love me.

You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For you hold me in your hand,

Lord, I'm amazed by You . . .
How You love me."

He is holding us in His hands, friends! Through the last hours of 2010, into a New Year. It is good to be His. <3

Happy New Year!!!!!!!! :)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

To Be Free

I'm not sure when I became a Sara Groves fan, but now, she receives credit for being the subject of most of my YouTube visits. (Though, as a side note, Chris Rice has been a fierce competitor. *smile*) Just a few minutes ago, I was listening to her song, "Different Kinds of Happy." I'm stuck on one line.

I'm not holding on to anything I'm not willing to let go, To be free.


I think I can say that I am most free when I am most open. I really think the idea of freedom and openness can really go together. I am free when the senseless clutter of my life, when the bitterness, the sin, the pointless distractions, are out of my life. I am free when the doors and windows of my heart are open so God's Spirit can come in and cleanse me, so He can move me. I'm free when there is nothing I'm unwilling to give up, when my hands are outstretched, palms up, open. To hold or to give. Open.

This freedom that Sara talks about is what I desire, what I pray for this early morning . . . that I hold on to NOTHING that I'd be unwilling to let go of . . . to be free.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


"On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All Other Ground
Sinking Sand."

Anchor me, Jesus! I will crumple if I'm on the sand. My heart shatters on the sand. My mind breaks on the sand. And tears come quick. No. I need to be brave and strong right now. Only on You, Jesus. Only in You.
Solid Rock.
I stand on You.

Monday, November 22, 2010

"Thanks Is the Only Way to Breathe"

And some days, I wake up with a feeling of emptiness. This rare yucky-morning-feeling doesn't happen too often mind you, and it's probably in all honesty tied to the fact that I sometimes snooze my alarm way too much and don't quite sleep enough some nights. And then Jesus picks me up on eagles wings as I'm falling and reminds me of this:

"and there it is, the writing on the wall, the memo every Monday morning needs — that grace is everywhere and joy’s possible even here and thanks is the only way to breathe."

Thank you, Ann Voskamp, for those words!

I was told that the best attitude is gratitude. Such a good thing. So to You, Jesus, . . . thank You.

771. Thank You, Jesus, for laughing hard with roommate and good friend. Healing and strength-giving.

772. for Snowflakes

773. How quickly the frost came off my windows yesterday morning.

774. Hugs from some of the older women at my church.

775. One lady teasing me after I completely didn't recognize her the day before. Her grace and laugh and kind hug.

776. Being able to learn SO MUCH about the Pentateuch right now for my class. LOVE IT!

777. People's stories

778. Jesus' rest, His call to come to Him, those of us who are so weary and burdened.

779. That I could lift weights this morning, make breakfast, and make it to class on time. YES! :) [thanks]

780. The easy quiz in Pentateuch!! YES!

781. That Jesus is faithful to finish what He's begun in me. I can trust Him with this.

782. Church work parties

783. Daily bread

784. An organized closet shelf

785. A firm foundation. Jesus.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Beautiful Gifts, Love

For a long time, every Monday, I tried to be faithful to continue a gratitude list on this blog of the gifts God had placed in my life, a list to number 1000 at the end as inspired by Ann Voskamp. After I made it to college though, I began to slack off on that. Part of that was because the whole exercise was becoming a little too routine. Part of it was time constraint. So on, so forth. Well today, there were several things that really stuck out to me that I wanted to type down. So here's to reflections of the day and the past few weeks, to Jesus being so good, to the reminder that gratitude is a very important character quality (which I need to cultivate in a much deeper level). So here goes. I left off at 755. So . . .

756. Getting a side hug from Professor Kopp today. Hugs are good things. People caring feels so good.

757. Needing Jesus only. Or overall. He has designed me to need others I believe, but my soul-need is Him. And He is constant. I am safe.

758. Three compliments today on outfit or how I looked.

759. John asking me how I was doing and then asking why I was good. And I had to think about it and come up with an answer. Ah it blessed me so much that he cared to know deeper. Meant a lot.

760. There's this lady in my Adult Sunday School class that is so sweet to me. One morning she told me she had been praying for me that morning. Such a blessing.

761. Finding just the right black shoes for fall banquet at such a GOOD price at such a GOOD time the day OF Fall Banquet. Jesus takes care of me . . . even with the little things.

762. Desani, one of the beautiful little guys I work with at an elementary school, him smiling, progressing, melting a little under love.

763. That Jesus helped me through giving blood, conquering fear.

764. Laughing hard with my roommate Bethany and with friend, Clarissa, and just laughing with silly friends at dinner.

765. Phil, this middle aged guy who drew my blood, teasing me and making me laugh through the process and then taking the squeezer thing from me so I could hold his hand and could squeeze that. Supposedly my hands were cold, and they need to be warmer for better circulation. Later he said that it was his excuse to hold hands with a pretty girl. Haha :) Thanks, Phil!

766. Laughing after fall banquet when my friend and I found out that the parking garage was locked, and we needed to head back.

767. Larissa being there to catch me when I passed out. God is good. And she's my hero. lol :)

768. My cousins visiting me here last Saturday and cousin taking me out to dinner.

769. The green red robin balloon I got after eating dinner! It's the little things in life . . . Jesus knows me. :)

770. The reminder to glorify God in the little things in life. Thanks, Oswald Chambers!

I'm not sure how Jesus works, but I know that He takes care of me, and I feel like I can see the good experiences in my life as sweet gifts from the One who gives every good and perfect gift. I think He gives them purposefully too, and in this knowledge, we can be grateful. Plus gratitude has this funny way of changing us, changing our vision. Life looks so much better through the lens of grace and gratitude . . .

Monday, November 15, 2010

"Nothing Is More Practical"

This quote is silly-tacked to my yellow bedroom wall at home. I remembered it some nights ago. I think there's some truth to it . . .

“Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in a love in a
quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings,
what you will do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read,
who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”

Pedro Arrupe

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Colorful Monsters

I wrote this a little while back . . . maybe two weeks ago. I think it still applies. Especially to today . . .

I'm not sure that I should be writing here. I'm not sure I really have anything to say, but maybe Jesus will say something to me as I type.

Tonight, I have a lot of silly things inside of me. I imagine them as little, colorful children's monsters (but the funny kind, not particularly the scary kind), flapping around their furry selves, chatting with each other, but you see, they're way too active. They're not orderly, and though I suppose they're happy maybe, I'm not very at peace here, little monsters! Come on now.

Now . . . I wonder if You'd come, Jesus? I'm sorry about the mess here. I know. There's monsters. I don't think they're that mean. Oh. That doesn't matter does it.

My hands. You want to see my hands? Oh Jesus, I . . .

Yes. (I was told once that one can't say "No, Lord," . . . that it's an oxymoron. Anyways.)

But Daddy? Oh . . . no buts. How about I just sit here? On the operating table. You can just take it all. All. Then I don't have to do anything. I'll go numb. Give me the anesthesia.

Oh. That's not how it works, is it?

Sometimes, You test the depth of my surrender, don't You? Do You do it so I know? I can't imagine You're happy, Love. I'm so much more selfish than I even know. I can't imagine why You still remain faithful to me. Why You still "wrestle with [my] sinner's heart," why You "lead me by still waters and into mercy." Please, please . . . don't give up on me.

"You dance over me, and I am unaware. You sing all around, and I never hear the sound."

You amaze me.

I am so undeserving, but sometimes I forget that in my heart. I don't want to forget, Lord? You deserve all the things I don't surrender. You don't deserve my selfishness, and I hate this. I feel like Hosea's girl. You deserve so much better than me, Jesus. I know the names of the type of people who redeem their title of being Yours. Well, they seem like they do. I'm the rebellious one. The One that argues with You and doesn't know how I could possibly give up the things I hold so fiercely on to. And sometimes I just wish we could go away to that place at the base of the mountain where You and I could just dance. But until then.

Will You come in?

We Are Wanted

It was a yucky day today. I wish I knew why. I have some ideas, but it wasn't like there was anything really horrible that happened.

It was a World Christianity assignment that sent me to Montavilla Baptist church this evening. I went for their Hispanic service to fulfill a grade requirement of visiting an international church. When I got there, however, I found that the services (the Hispanic and the normal English evening service) were combined this Sunday. Rats. I seriously contemplated the idea of just leaving then. (I'm so horrible) BUT! it had been a bad day. I needed Jesus. Maybe, just maybe . . . I could find Him there? Or He could find me.

In the front of the sanctuary, there was a table holding communion items. Maybe this would be my connection back to peace and Jesus after a pain-filled day. I needed Jesus so badly. I needed love so desperately. So. Desperately.

The service began with some worship, a man from Cuba spoke while another man translated, one man gave a devotional. I didn't really get anything from that. I was still sizzling and frying in something I don't really know how to accurately describe. Pain? Hurt? Fear? Desperation? Maybe a little bit of everything. After awhile, it was time for communion.

And Jesus and I spoke.

And I'm quite confident He understand exactly what I was dealing with in that pew, what I had been dealing with throughout the day, and a part of my struggle was fear. And I think He knows what the fear of being hurt is. Garden of Gethsemane. Night before the worst time of His life. Of any life. And because of this, He understands. But He also reminded me of something else.

Danae, I want you.

Why do You want me, Jesus? You don't understand! You have no reason to want me!

I made You, danae.

I don't know why Jesus would want me, but it feels so good to be wanted. Maybe I had completely forgotten that He did. But I can't tell you how much it meant to me to hear that. It made me cry. You see, Jesus is my best Friend. Am I His Best Friend? Uh, . . . no, probably not. I have been such a horrible friend to Him, it's disgusting. In fact, I really haven't even paid much attention to Him lately. He brought that to mind this Saturday. But it's a new week, isn't it?

The earlier parts of today weren't my favorite. I'll confess, it was a struggling-to-stay-breathing type of day, but once again, Jesus came. He calmed the storm. I'm safe again, and I'm loved, and it's really going to be okay.

And you, friend? You're wanted too. I hope you know. It's a proven fact . . . proven with the rough pieces of a tree, connected in the shape of a cross where this Man gave up His everything. for you. We are so loved. You are wanted. <3

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It Was Because of Your Words

that I sprawled out Isaiah 49:15-16 on one side of a 3x5 index card and Psalms 62:5-8 on the back. It was because of your words that I slipped it in my pocket and headed out the door in sweats and a t-shirt and a stormy heart. Yes, friend, it was you telling me to pray on the way that I cried out to Him on the way to the gym, and His reminder was in words I had heard before:

Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is

And maybe I worry more than I think I do. Maybe I get caught up in storms. Most of 'em are probably fear storms. I don't know my ending for this one particular story, and it scares me. Pain and broken hearts scare me. Being rejected scares me. Numbs me. Makes me want to run away.

[Side note: One of my favorite things about my relationship with Jesus: I can depend on Him chasing me when I run away]

And I wanted to tell Jesus all about it. I wanted to be able to talk it out with Him, have it all laid out, and I want to get rid of this silly rain storm in the right hand corner of my room with the cube in it. (inside "joke") And then some words my roommate had said last night came into my head along with the above quote, especially these words:

Tell the storm how big your God is.

So I think I'm just going to do that . . . Here's a quick note:

Mister Storm,
"I hate your stinking guts" (Little Rascals quote), and I wanted to fill you in on something. It is for freedom that Christ has set me free (Gal 5:1), and you will not imprison me.

And Mister Storm? My Daddy is big. He's my castle, and I'm safe in Him. You can't come to me without His okay, and you are no more than I can handle. I am not of those that shrink back. In fact, my Daddy gives me courage, and He's fighting for me. He's pretty huge, you know. So don't worry, you won't defeat me.

And Mr. Storm? "God is a refuge for us." (Ps 62:8b) His words are these: " . . . yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands . . ." (Isaiah 49:15b-16a) Pour all you want. I'll wait until it's over. Just saying . . .

from: danae

Oh, and friend? I'm not sure you'll read this, not sure how often you check back here, but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate you so much. You are a picture of God's grace to me, His sweet blessing. Your words, your testimony moved me so much last night, and I'm praying for you now, that God would continue to heal you and take away your fear. You are "Christ-Bearer." Be strong and courageous.

And friend? You have so encouraged me and inspired me . . . after all, I began my first day of running 5 minutes on that treadmill today. ;) Thank you.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


The rain sprayed diagonally outside the thick windows, and flashes of yellows swirled in the wind, leaves falling. And I was sheltered by the thick arches of boards I didn't lay, held together by nails I didn't pound in. I stood under this and grace, among many different people with many different stories, and we sang. This:

"Your love is deeper than any ocean
Higher than the Heavens,
Reaches . . .
Beyond the stars in the sky.

Jesus, Your love has no bounds."

And I pictured Him. I pictured Him as a Jewish man in that typical Jesus garb . . . you know. The white robe. Blue sash. Dark, long hair. You know.

And I had to stop myself.

And then I pictured Him again. In jeans, a nice shirt, cut hair. And His smile . . . oh His sweet smile. And once again, I fell in love. His love breaks my heart and makes me want to dance and fly and cry. I don't understand this type of love.

And I imagined Him holding my hand. His love astounds me. It's realness astounds me.

You see, Father God has become so much more real to me lately. Being in Bible college, learning about Genesis, dissecting events and stories, God's Word and His truth and Himself are becoming wildly vivid to me. You see, I've grown up in a Christian home, in a Christian church where Bible characters lived in flannel graphs, and history was a stack of stories that happened miles and miles back in time. Yes, it happened, but they were stories recorded in old fashion children's books with drab colored pictures.

As I'm learning about Genesis, I'm finding out something interesting. I'm finding that my default vision views the Bible as a set of stories. Being at Multnomah has been so good because it's readjusting how I view the Bible, how I view God. It's beginning to really sink in that these stories are REAL, that these people were REAL (and many of them I can really relate to). That this Yahweh is my Daddy, that I'm His. And this excites me.

But as I said, sometimes the old way of viewing things comes back. Like when I want to picture Jesus as this old, storybook figure, walking into my life in a mystic sense of irrelevance. No. If Jesus would've come a second time and would decide to come to Portland, Oregon, God-in-flesh, I think He might just wear jeans. I think He'd look like us, you know?

I know this isn't new. In fact, some would thing this is a pretty pathetic, childish realization. But I'm glad I'm realizing it. I'm glad I'm realizing the effect of being raised through the Christian framework (something I'm very grateful for, but it has definitely impacted how I view things, and sometimes I need to step back and question why I see things the way I do?). And I'm so glad that Jesus can be real to us. That He IS SO REAL. This excites me.

And in case you've been questioning lately, I want to remind you of something Jesus reminded me of today . . . You are never alone, friend. Never ever unloved because He is Real. And He is here. Alleluia.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


I'm a dreamer. A visionary. There's this piece of me that wants to change my world, that wants to get involved with people's lives and love them to Jesus. Ann Kiemel gets credit for part of that . . . she inspires me. She's a lady who holds firmly to Jesus and tells people that her and Jesus are out to change the world. That love can do it. That wrapping arms around and hearts around can do it.

In the end, Jesus is the only One who can do it.

But I hope I can be so bold to believe that He wants to use us. As long as we know that it's not us doing the changing [sometimes, i forget this]. As long as we know that we're a vessel, that love should be that which compels us.

But sometimes I love for love. And then I fall. And often give up. And Jesus isn't glorified. Oh Jesus, teach me another way? Your way?

And then I hear songs like Anyway by Martina McBride, and this strengthens the dreams. You see, I want to truly love (for Jesus) anyway, even when I'm afraid. I want to truly give and dream and sing . . . even if all these things come crashing down or even just COULD come crashing down . . . I want to do it anyway. For Jesus. I am not of those that shrink back . . . as Paul would say. I am born of God, and He is strong, and He loves us anyway.

Make me like this, Jesus? Please? For Your sake alone.

Philippians 1:9-11 NIV

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ --- to the glory and praise of God."

May our love be His love, a love deeply knowledgeable and insightful that directs us in purity, a love that reaches out to touch this mangled world even when it could be rejected . . . to Love. Anyway.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Golden Sun

Sometimes, the words just come. Unorganized, unrefined, undirected currents. Sometimes, the release is good, and I am more free.

My life, a reckless stream,
Barreling down the boulders,
Shooting across the night,
A tiny star.

And sometimes it sits,
Wet pools in caverns,
Mirages and shadows.

Where is this life that dies?
The breaking point of me dying,
You living?
My losing all this shaggy selfishness?
Pride dumps? Clusters of dead laziness?

And where is this cleaning hope?
Of pure blood that makes me new?
The shedding of me?
It's only when this falls that
I can run by Your mountain stream,
And laugh as You twirl me around,
A little girl. In golden sunshine,
Deep blue of blue sky.

It begins now.
You, Jesus, . . . would You bathe me?
In Your cleansing Word that
Breaks, wounds, and heals?
Would You remind me of that
Blood red?
That I'm to forever to be named. His.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


If you're looking at my blog, trying to evaluate my writing ability, please pass by this post specifically. It might not be pretty. But it's time, to pour out my heart like water . . .

Daddy? We've walked this road before, haven't we?
I recognize the mountain peaks,
Stretching, strong and cold,
The barb wired thorns,
Bruising,ripping heart flesh.
And Daddy? No. I don't want to.
I want to go Home, I want to RUN.
I don't want to do it again!
I'm scared, and I'm so tired of pain
And prison walls and a love that kills me.
Daddy? Can we just run away?
Please? Please?


Oh Daddy . . . I can't do this without You.
I worry I can't do it at all.
Oh me of little faith.
I'm not very strong.
{But I want to be}
And I hate this whole situation.
I'm kicking against You,
Screaming inside.
But No.
Be still, my soul.
Forgive me, Daddy.
You know why.
You are God.
Okay. Okay.
You can have me.
I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
A coward.
Please change this in me.
If You must, wound me.
So I can be healed.
"Heal me, and I will be healed."
Please, Jesus.
If You won't take this away,
Prepare me for war.
Or maybe just for letting You take over,
Me hiding myself, like a little child.
Free in Your walls.
Yes, Lord.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Compelling Love

It's 7:22 pm, and I'm surviving with between 5 - 6 hours of sleep plus a nap today. (I really shouldn't be blogging. Ha! I say this a lot, don't I?) I'm listening to Times by Tenth Avenue North. Mmm. Sweet, hard memories.

And I'm weighed down by this thing called tiredness and by this unnamed thing. I'm not sure what it is. I think it's maybe fear. It's funny how fear compels us, how the strongest desire to run from any pain compels us. Or maybe it's just me. :) And right near me is this plaque. "Don't worry about anything -- instead, pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. Philippians 4:6." It's hard to pray when you're not for certain of your needs. Maybe this is one of those moments when I try to simply open myself and let Him come in, let Him fix the ruins that fear has made, the ruins my sin has made, the ruins past pain has made. Maybe my only answer is "yes" . . . oh how hard it can be to simply say "yes." Why? I don't know . . . I guess it's because I'm afraid of the answers. I'm afraid of the implications. Or maybe I'm not afraid. Maybe I'm just so selfishly stubborn.

But I really do want love. I want that compelling love that God is. The love that casts out my fear of pain. I want that love that is light and all good, the love that heals after wounding. You know this love? And it's easy to talk about it, to desire it, but how do I open my heart enough to catch it? Or is catching love something done with open hands? Something you can't hoard. Something you stand in as you'd stand in torrential droplets, pouring from dark skies? Is it something that seeps into us as we read the living Word? What do you think?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Waters Rise

There's this little boy I can see from my window. He's dressed in a sailor blue raincoat, and I'm sure some rubber boots. It's sprinkling and gray outside, and in his hands, he's holding and twirling this hose, washing down his swing set. He must be around four. I just had to share because it's one of the cutest things I've seen in awhile. :) Oh, wait! There's another tike, except this one is barefoot and walking around with probably just a shirt and a diaper . . . oh boy. OH! You should see him! He's so cute. He's probably 2 or 3, and I think his momma just called him. I truly believe children are God's gift to the world.

But that really wasn't what I was going to blog about. I got distracted.

I'm scared. I journeyed out not that long ago into a place where I maybe shouldn't have been, and now I'm facing the rivers, praying that I can somehow relax in His arms as the waters rise.

And those words. Those "Be Still and Know that I AM GOD" words. Echo.

But Jesus? I'm SCARED.

But danae, I'm with you.

But Jesus?

danae, who am I?

I don't know if I know!

Hush. Be still. Be quiet. Let go. Relax your hands.

Who am I, danae?

You are God.

What does that mean, danae? That I am God?

It means You're in control, Jesus. It means that You're my castle and my refuge. It means that You know all, that You only can protect me fully, that my heart is safe in Your hands. Daddy, it means I don't have to worry, that I can hide in You.

"Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side."

Be still and know that God is GOD.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Heal the Wound

Heal the Wound
Jaime Jamgochian

"I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's a memory of the place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees...and even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart and
Heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived that boasts of anything
And I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an alter with the rubble that You found me in
And every stone will sing of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart and
Heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget the beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart and
Heal the wound but leave the scar"

I'm not sure I realized how much of the old I was holding onto. The old wounds were dying out, but they weren't correctly bandaged. I didn't realize how strongly I was trying to protect myself from pain and in so doing, how strongly I was saying "no" to Jesus, how I was withholding my trust and His full access into my whole life.

But You come like spring rains. "And I am unaware of the most extravagant of Your intentions."

And if you're reading this, and you don't understand, it's alright. But know this one thing . . . Father is so good. And His grace is astounding. He is Friend. He is Healer.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I'm so exhausted. I think I've reached my limit on being able to focus, yet still, here I am, blogging and listening to "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.

"All this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way, I wonder if my life could ever change at all."

Do you know those moments? Those dusty, dirty times of thirst? When Jesus, You seem oh so far away, farther than the constellations, and I'm here, waiting, simply wanting to crawl into Your lap and just cry and hear You say that I'm safe and at home, that I can be weak for awhile. You'll be the Strong.

"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust."

Jesus? I've made so many messes, and if I'm to be honest, even here at Bible college, I feel so separated from You, and I don't know how to crumple this void of my own making. Are You sure You can make beautiful things out of this?

"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us."

Oh Jesus, I love You. Thank You for taking Peter back. I love that story, of Him denying You yet You invited Him back and cooked Him breakfast. Your grace is overwhelming. Teach me what it means to really love You? To die.

"You make me new, You are making me new."

Please crush this cocoon, Lord. Even if it hurts. I need You. I want You, Jesus.

Love, Yours.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I guess my blogger life is somewhat suffering now that I've taken to college, but I still wanted to post, even though I shouldn't. For goodness gracious it's 11:46 pm. :) But I want to make this quick and real. I took a survey today for my Spiritual Life class, assessing my spiritual life thus far. Wow. There are so many things that it brought out that I need to work on. Like prayer for one, like thanking God for one.

Okay, here's an exercise in thanks maybe if I can keep it real.

746. For laughing like mad with friends while being sleep deprived.

747. Hearing other sweet girls' laugh.

748. Learning about things that I need to do better, about how much more I need to grow spiritually.

749. One other college student (girl) telling me I was beautiful. That was such a sweet gift.

750. Mom and Dad and Briana bringing yummy food and beautiful flowers to me.

751. Being able to see family and going to cousin's wedding.

752. Being in a small, college group at a church and meeting sweet people.

753. Working on the elliptical for around 20 minutes. (YES, JESUS! We did it!)

754. Sweet friends coming and visiting me at college.

755. Passing my quizzes today.


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Soar Me Heavenward

I'm pretty sure it's Wednesday. This first classes week at college has gone so slow. It hasn't been bad necessarily but somewhat overwhelming. Thankfully, I was able to get a lot of things written in my planner. Just in case you needed to know this information . . . ? :)

I read today in Luke about how the things that men value aren't what God values. I read about the rich man and Lazarus. Ironic, isn't it, that even after the big name I'm sure the rich man made for himself here, it didn't matter in Heaven. He was the rich man, and the poor man got the name. The rich man was so wanting to add up the good times on this side of the veil, he rejected the other side. I do that too. I forget that this isn't all there is, that, when I'm weighing a big decision, missed opportunities for pleasure or comfort won't matter after I walk through the thresholds of this other place. Do I value the things God does? Or am I stuck in this gravity of earth? Soar me heavenward, Jesus.

I want to be real here, never caught up in the spirituality of a Bible college. I want to soak up Jesus and understand how desperately I need Him. President Dan Lockwood gave the student body three special challenges yesterday based off of Isaiah's vision of God's holiness. He told us to 1) take a glance at God's holiness, 2) understand our own helplessness and uncleanness, and I believe the 3) was to grasp His grace. Good words. Words I'll leave you with as I finish checking e-mails and get ready for my first class of the day . . . Intro to Church Ministry. So farewell. For now :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Thanks From College

Well, I'm here, typing out my first blog post in college. What a crazy, wild thing. What a good thing. I am absolutely loving Multnomah. I arrived here on Thursday, and the weekend was packed with different activities. They've been good and fun, and I've met so many people. So. Many. People, and it's great. And God's grace is so incredible.

My gratitude list starts at 732 today. Wow.

Jesus? thank You for

732. the kind welcome here when I came by the faculty and students.

733. a nice dorm room, a good place to stay.

734. a good roommate :)

735. reminding me of Your beautiful grace, that strong blood, Your cry to save me.

736. sweet hugs by other girls.

737. laughing and cheering for the Timbers with a new friend.

738. the phone call home.

739. meeting Dee and Irene, two sweet ladies working in one of the offices here.

740. an especially yummy meal on saturday and the luau and watching other people limbo.

741. a stack of brightly colored envelops, addressed and ready to send to camp girls.

742. this one lanky fellow making me laugh.

743. a beautiful church building and the speaker reminding us that Jesus has blessed us that we can share Him with others.

744. that I only have one class on Monday. YES.

745. watching a little girl at church, nod and smile. cute.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Last Post Before College!

Thank You, Jesus,

721. for a brand new laptop from my parents,

722. for the cool, refreshing air splashing my skin

723. for two of sisters' friends surprising her for her birthday

724. for a Pastor listening

725. for that visit to tell her goodbye

726. for friend's kind poem and words

727. for sister and me, both having same toe ring :)

728. for the testimony of a sweet man's life

729. for Briana's thoughtful, fun going-away gifts.

730. for the excitement of the adventure

731. for a last grateful post at home before college.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


"See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the seasons of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land."

Song of Solomon 2:11-12 NIV

Praise God!! It's almost here, the daylight. Joy.

Monday, August 16, 2010


Spinning, spinning, the earth continues its orbit, not shaken by the chaos in my life. I'm glad to know there are things bigger than me. That there is a Being bigger than me. I'm so grateful for His rescue, for the way He's leading me through the chaos of my own making. I'm not sure the ending yet. He's working on shaping it for me. I am so helpless, and He is so hopeful. I'm so hypocrite, He is so truth and Holy and purifying. May it all be known.

Thank You for . . .

706. Time with family and healing

707. Field of wildflowers

708. Cousin trying to convince me to Kansas . . . :) Grin.

709. Mom finding a gift card I was missing.

710. The compliment from a stranger.

711. Dad and I finally finding Dominos to bring pizza back to the hotel.

712. Hearing a message about how Christians have victory in the spiritual with Christ.

713. Ann Voskamp's blog post on fishing line.

714. Bags of new college things. Can't. Believe. I'm. Actually. Doing. This.

715. Running water on toes.

716. Finding brightly colored envelopes. One for $.01. :) I got about a 100 . . . ;)

717. Seeing pregnant friend and how she's grown, in more ways than one. :)

718. Visiting sister while she babysat and hearing her little fellow calling me "NayNay."

719. Air Conditioning.

720. Getting rid of things.

Amen. :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I Lift My Eyes

Okay, the last few posts haven't been too uplifting, and I suppose if I'm honest, I'm not fully cleansed or healed, nor is this family, but as I began to write another "real," depressing blog post, I decided this isn't where I should be going. I haven't done my gratitude list in two weeks. I haven't truly humbled myself before God's throne in quite awhile. Today's the day . . .

Jesus? Thank You . . .

696. For girls giggling

697. Roasting marshmallows with 5th and 6th graders

698. Memories of cake fights and being scared by Mr. Taylor at Drift Creek

699. One silly girl looking at my sweatshirt and quickly proclaiming . . . "Iowa Hawk-eee's" (instead of Hawkeyes). Ah little Firecracker (I miss you and all of those other ladies in my cabin!).

700. My chat with D about the crash and burn after camp. He's not sure how he'll make it. I know.

701. Watching my cabin of girls at camp come up with their skit. So. Funny.

702. Leading the kids in funny motions during songs.

703. Playing Duck, Duck, Goose with hyper youngsters.

704. Getting to know my co-counselor more. Our laughs. Her teaching me things.

705. That You are merciful and strong. Please, take me back?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Leper Crying

I want to go home. Away. This numbness is killing me. Nightmare. I disappointed them so much, hurt them tremendously, and I can't even FEEL the wrong. I don't understand.

Oh Jesus? Are You really "by my side wherever i fall in the dead of night, whenever i call, can I please not fight Your hands that are holding me? Do You really love me? Do you really want me to know? that You love me, that You'll never let me go?" Did I disappoint You too? Do You hate me yet? I want to be held, Jesus, but am I too wrong to be touched by You? Can You hold the leper again? Please? Because I think she's dying right now.

The end.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Safe Place

The safe place was compromised, and now it's a whirlwind of tears and anger. Three years ago, one year ago, I wouldn't have guessed. Life was simple, and conflict was just random snags on the back of life. I don't understand why life gets so complicated as time goes on. Why the nest we hide in as children is slowly taken away.

A big reason why I wanted to leave home for college was that I'd stand on my own, on Jesus. Maybe the nest is being taken, the safe places disrupted so I recognize there is only one safe place. You, Jesus. Your arms around me. I'm scared and confused, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get untangled from this one. I've let a whole lot of hurt into this family. Yeah, me. The one who won the student of the year awards, the servant's heart award. The one that other parents were jealous of. Yep. We all fall short. I fall so much shorter. The safe place was compromised. I was angry at You, Jesus. I was angry that You didn't take the desires away, that I couldn't feel You, that I didn't want to give the desires away. I'm frustrated that things aren't just turning out, that they're so intertwined and difficult. And I need You, Jesus! I need You, now. I need Your strong arms and Your deep wisdom. And lots and lots and lots of grace.

Please come. Be my safe place. The harbor. Bring this family back, make it a safe place again . . . please?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Dragons of Memories

I try to daily write in a journal, filling it with letters (I guess people call them prayers) to my Heavenly Father. I'm not exactly sure how I got started, but I think I began during January of my seventh grade year. Anyways, I'm so glad I started, and I'd encourage anyone (especially if you like to express yourself through writing) to start . . . it's a great way to get out some caged up, unaccounted for emotions onto paper, and it helps keep a steady record of how the Lord has been working. Anyway, that's that.

So, last night, I kept my entry pretty short. It was about dragons. I wondered if some dragons die slowly or if they just resurrect a couple of times before they stay in their graves. The past few weeks, maybe I should say months, I've been fighting dragons, particularly last week, warring against this particular issue that has come up, that I had probably fed for too long. Anyways, there were days where this dragon seemed quite conquered. And yet other days? The same horrid fellow creeps up into my zone. Again. Sometimes it's just a memory that's a match, and he's lit up like a Christmas tree, ready to blast his fire. Sometimes, I don't hit at him quick enough, and he's just there, until I realize the urgency of the situation.

Okay, is this completely nonsense or are you picking up what I'm laying down? You know what I'm saying? Okay, it may be nonsense regardless, but "dragons" are "dragons." And I can't fight them on my own.

Mom and I try to walk almost each weekday, and we share verses with each other. I wanted to share one verse with you that she shared with me and that was also shared in church this past Sunday (maybe I'm supposed to be learning something?? haha). This is a dragon slayer verse . . .

Isaiah 41:10 New Living Translation:

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

God's got our back . . . a good thing, huh? Of course, we don't just leave it at that. We must "Be still and know" (thank you Addie and Holly for this reminder), trusting that He is God.

Wherever you are today, whatever dragons you're working on killing, know that the true Dragon-Slayer is with you, that even if the dragons might seem to resurrect, the ultimate victory has been decided from the beginning. What a good thing.

Thank you Jesus . . .

681. That I'm really small, but He's really big, that I can trust Him. He knows how to deal with them dragons after all . . . :)

682. Potato bread, the store-bought, hardly-good-for-you kind. :)

683. Holly friend encouraging me with what I needed to hear.

684. Little girls' smile and their tackles and laugh when I tickled them.

685. Morning star

686. Expanses of wheat shoots

687. The green-ness of a grass field

688. The way my sister is so amazing at photography

689. Playing "Come Thou Font" with Briana (sister) for offertory.

690. Singing with friends at Willamette Celebration

691. Fresh blueberries

692. Him working on me . . . it's about Jesus-dependence.

693. A church library filled with books and more on the way hopefully.

694. Being able to read a small Max Lucado book in one setting, hidden away.

695. The "Nuggets" (Bible Verses) Mom and I share on our walks.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Holly is one of my best friends. I met her when she first started attending my high school. We were freshman and became friends, but it wasn't until senior year that we really grew as close friends. It started at senior camp-out when we stayed up until 2 in the morning speaking in Spanish and about our futures and about how we'd tell on each others' kids about how late we made each other stay up. :)

I know that Jesus sent me this girl senior year because He knew I'd need her. Holly, you have seen me when I'm broken and ugly and discouraged, and yet you have still loved me and encouraged me and have threatened to beat up a certain boy for me (wink) and beat me up too . . . :) LOL You have been prayer warrior and encourager . . . one of my best friends. I love you.

Thank you for talking with me on the phone today. You leave me encouraged, with things to think about. After I hung up with you, I was sitting by the front window eating lunch. I still don't feel like myself, and I still feel kind of crud-ish, but I want to be like David. I want to be honest. So here's my public declaration. I hope the devil sees it . . . :)

Yahweh, awhile back, I told You "no matter what." I didn't know what that statement would mean, but I knew that it could cost me things that I love. Jesus, You took away a silly thing that I really shouldn't care so much about, yet I have, and it's hurt. But Jesus, I choose to love You still. I have been faithless, but You remain faithful. I choose to trust You with my future. I don't want to believe it, but I choose to trust You that you have "Caleb" all figured out, that someday, if You will, I'll get to meet him. I will follow You, Lord. You do have me in Your hands. I choose joy. JOY. Please restore unto me the joy of my salvation! I am NOT the VICTIM! (Satan, are you hearing this? I HATE you. I will NOT listen to the lies.) I trust in Your love, Jesus, that it is enough. I hand over my pain. I am being made holy. I am set free. I am child of GOD, of the King. Praise You, Lord! You have saved me, You have redeemed me. I am Yours.

Please, I'm going to close my eyes for awhile and just trust You. You're in this rocking boat too, aren't You? You know. Thank You for recording all my tears. Thank You for listening to my doubts and putting up with my anger, (or maybe I should say, still loving me while I'm angry . . .). I really don't know how to move on right now, but please help me. I still want to be Yours. Please.

"You've got Holly and Danae, in Your hands, You've got Holly and Danae, In Your hands, You've got Holly and Danae, in Your hands, You've got their whole world in Your hands."

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I am Israel. I wrestle with Almighty God. I was going to write this post about how I've been wrestling with Him, how I should just be trusting Him, etc etc, but I went to Ann Voskamp's blog today, and her words said what I could never say, what I hadn't even thought of saying. They may just be centering me, bringing me back. Sometimes, God does wound us, and it hurts. The story doesn't have to end here.

If you've got a moment, it will be well worth your time to take a stop at A Holy Experience to read Ann's post. You won't regret it. Love from: danae

Monday, July 19, 2010

Quite the Week

From last Sunday to this Sunday, it has been quite the week. Decisions, college class registration, tears, broken relationships, mending relationships. My. But tucked within the chaos and the pain, there have been joy and song. Even When I Couldn't Hear It. Because God is love, and He teaches me the New Song, the brilliance of morning, of being free. With an open heart, I want to give Him my Thanks. Honest thanks, for:

661. Being able to pick fresh, red raspberries.

662. The joy on Grandma and Grandpa's face when sis and I visited them.

663. Getting smoothies with Briana and sitting outside with her to keep warm while I'm drinking my cold smoothie. :)

664. That I could clean "my" church.

665. Being able to talk things out with my dad.

666. A comment on my blog by a friend :)

667. For Jesus leading me to make a decision and giving me the strength to do it.

668. Being able to cry and release and hopefully move forward now. Free.

669. The way dear Friend came and sat with me and talked with me. She understood and cared and encouraged. Jesus knew I needed her then.

670. Director friend's hug and understanding.

671. E-mails from Chinese friends. I miss 'em!

672. Picnics outside on our kinda new picnic table.

673. That I'm a step closer to college, classes figured out.

674. That I could re-read some old letters I wrote to a friend, that I could be put back into perspective.

675. Blueberries and raspberries growing from our plants here.

676. "Sunrise" by Nicole Nordeman

"If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You are sunrise"

677. His Words. Psalms 119:25-32. Especially verse 32:

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."

678. Another friend mouthing the words, "We'll be praying." The love of God is a marvelous thing.

679. Letter from sister.

680. The cherry tree on the side of the road . . . our personal snack machine after Mom and my walks. :)

Friday, July 16, 2010

Uh Oh

So tomorrow is class registration for college. Uh. Yikes. So I'm in my room, thinking about this, and I start to get this nervous sensation creep into my stomach. . . uh. I'm going to be going to COLLEGE?!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! I think it's just starting to sink in. What do you think? :P Haha :) So I was wondering, well, I don't have to do this, maybe college wasn't such a smart idea. This is scary! lol But, the small part of my mind that is still somewhat sane tried to calm the wildly anxious part of my brain, that it's okay, it'll be all good. Uh huh. Whatever. ;)

One of my cousins asked me during our family reunion what am I most excited about for college and what I'm most scared about. Well, I didn't really have a good answer for him because it hadn't sunk in yet. Well, it's starting too. How about I think things "out loud" . . . (what do you call it when you think things through blog writing??)

What I'm Nervous About:

The transition. Just figuring out how I fit into everything, fit into relationships and a different work load, fitting into a new church and a city, as far as that goes.

I'm nervous about my roommate and that transition. It's exciting, but it's also scary. It's been awhile since I've shared a room with someone (well, I guess it hasn't been that long ago, but it feels like it). I know I will have so much growing to do, so much shedding of the selfishness and the independence and privacy. That will be good for me, but probably not easy (and SCARY!). ;)

I'm nervous that I won't stand strong, that I'll melt into this Multnomah student. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to go to college and be danae. Jesus' danae. I want to embrace who I'm meant to be and not shrink away but be strong. Strong to love and wrap arms around and share even when I want to withhold. I want to give so much more of myself than I do now, so much more of Jesus. I don't want to just wear a mask to fit in; I want to fit in because I am the real deal, you know? I want to really truly LOVE Jesus, want to know Him, not just act like it to measure up to others' passionate hearts. I want to be able to stand strong in what is true, even when people around me might swerve toward something that would be harmful because that probably happens . . . even at Bible schools. I've got some preparing = praying to do.

Okay, you want a real honest one? I'm nervous that my attention will not stay focused on Christ, that I'll be distracted by the . . . . (boys). I don't want that! I want the right boy to come when I'm not looking for him anyways! lol Plus, it's time to surrender 'em and focus on Jesus and friendships. Not having brothers or any close guy friends makes it kind of hard . . . I'm nervous about healthy, good, easy-going relationships with guys as brothers thru Jesus. Something for me to pray about.

It will be so crazy to be away from my family. That's going to be so hard. That part hasn't sunk in fully yet, but it will be miserable when it does. Jesus has been preparing my wings for sometime I think, but it will still be so hard to move away from people that I so dearly love and who so graciously love me.

And I'm excited too:

I'm excited for new relationships, new friendships.

I'm excited to flex my wings, to stand on Christ . . . by myself.

I'm excited for good classes, Bible classes.

I'm excited to learn to love Jesus more and people too, to meet new people at a new church, to love people through ministry outreaches.

I'm excited to decorate a dorm room and watch Biggest Loser with friends (hopefully . . . please tell me there will be other MU girls that love B.L. . . . please!).

Ah, I have so much growing to do, so much more "rooting" I need to do in Jesus before I head out. It will be good to figure out classes tomorrow. Though it will be amazing when classes start, I'm glad school doesn't start tomorrow. I definitely need more prep time. But this will be good, this little dip into college. So, I must not "be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present [my] requests to God." His peace will guard my heart and mind. So, see ya later! Next time I blog, I'll probably have my classes figured out, a new mailing address, and an MU ID Card . . . so until then, Farewell. :)

Monday, July 12, 2010

Summer Thanks

646. For fireflies lighting a field

647. S'mores over a stove over laughter

648. Watching parade with family

649. Watching fireworks color sky

650. A day-a-week job

651. Helping Mom clean out guest bedroom

652. Watching the stars with Dad

653. Watching Full House with sister

654. Making it safely home

655. Long Letter from Dad

656. Doing an exercise video with Mom

657. Talking with a friend, being with her for her homecoming party

658. Playing croquet with above friend and others

659. Coming across another Christian radio station

660. The beautiful scenery on a drive to friend's house . . . rolling fields and the greens and blue sky and beauty.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

If All the Rain Drops Were Bubble Gum . . .

. . . I'd be pelted with holes. :) Or maybe I'd wait until all the balls fell and pick 'em up, start a candy store, and bring in the big bucks for a summer job that I am currently lacking. Oh boy. :) Right now, it's raining outside. In Iowa. And it's not the normal Oregon rain. Oh no. This is Iowan, torrential downpour rain, rain you only have to stand out in a couple of seconds, and you're drrrenched. It's amazing to me how it can rain and rain and rain in Oregon and no problem. (It's actually normal. Weird) yet one rain here can fill a basement with water and the streets with inches of flowing H20. An amazing thing. Well, I better go. I really have nothing important to say at all, but I felt like typing and blogging, and it's raining so . . .

Monday, July 5, 2010


I'm pretty sure "Danke" means "Thank You" in German, and I owe many of them to many but especially to Him.

Danke . . .

631. For the safe trip to and from Family Reunion

Danke . . .

632. For the graduation party my Z. Family threw for me, the kind, generous gifts and the beautiful cake. For Love.

Danke . . .

633. For the puzzles I got to help work on, a simple pleasure and for it allowing us cousins, family to work together and just be together.

Danke . . .

634. For the way cousin J was so friendly and reached out and made me feel significant. I really do appreciate it. So Much.

Danke . . .

635. For all the other cousins who reached out, for those that came and joined me at the puzzle table or the other relatives who asked about college plans.

Danke . . .

636. For those cute little puppies we got to see after a Beachy Amish meal. Too cute.

Danke . . .

637. For Mom being able to see a friend from long ago and me seeing her too and her kind words.

Danke . . .

638. For You, Jesus, changing my heart about certain things.

Danke . . .

639. For little girl and boy freckles.

Danke . . .

640. That I'm not who I was two years ago when I came here the last time.

Danke . . .

641. For the Healer song that we sang at my aunt and uncle's church.

Danke . . .

642. For that sweet donut I had after their church service . . . mmmm. :)

Danke . . .

643. For the e-mail from Dad.

Danke . . .

644. For spending time and laughing with Mom's friend.

Danke . . .

645. For the beautiful piano music played by the piano tuner at Mom's Friend's house. :)

And for what's yet to come. Danke.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I'm here again, in Grandma's sewing room, the golden sun sinking through the blue, and I'm listening to Mandisa, "You Wouldn't Cry." She talks about Heaven, and being "Home" sounds so good. Not talking about my physical home per se, but my Home. That place where I no longer try to wrestle down the past, where I'm not filled with bullet holes of failure or maybe just the regrets and the feeling of not being good enough, where I'm with Jesus . . . where all of the yuck, all of the disgusting, all of the crude and cornered pours out, where I recognize the full extent of His Love and the strength in His arms. But for today, I'm stuck within this restless twilight . . . the darkness is behind and this murky morning is rising from the east. I don't know what to do. But maybe, just maybe . . .

. . . it's now. Now that I listen to my own words spoken on graduation day, the being still, letting go, sinking deep, relaxing, quieting myself. And knowing that HE, that You, Jehovah, that YOU, Protector, Provider, Best Friend, Father, Life-Giver, Deep Healer, Shepherd, Judge, Creator, Star Maker, that You, YOU are God. You are in charge. You know. YOU KNOW! [hallelujah] And maybe You can heal the deep stains in me. If You healed the woman with the flow of blood, could You heal me from the flow of myself? The flow of apathy, self-worship, self-hatred. I KNOW You can. Please . . . where are You that I may touch the threads of Your garment?

Monday, June 28, 2010

Substitute for the Negative: Thanks

I'm typing this post in a place in which I've never blogged before . . . my grandma's sewing room. :) The room is lavender purple, and I'm filling it with one of my favorite songs right now, "Empty Me" by Jeremy Camp. (It's worth a jog to youtube to listen to it here) The sun is spilling out over this other state that is not mine, and the wind ripples through corn stalks and Grandpa's trees, Grandma's flowers. The humidity isn't even yet strong. And it's time for the giving thanks. You know, I told my sister to help keep me accountable . . . no complaining. Ah, I want to be cured of that disease. :) I think part of that is done with the substitute of gratitude. So, let me aim for honesty as I say thanks:

616. For the peaceful music (now Fernando Ortega) playing from youtube.

617. The good weather here in Iowa today

619. That fellow travelers and I made our connecting flight . . . with only 2 minutes to spare. God is good, no?

620. That I got a raise in scholarship! Praise the Lord!!!

621. Meeting Lisa, my college admissions counsellor, in a little Bakery/Eatery near my home, chatting, her answering questions, surprising me with the scholarship news.

622. Grandpa and Grandma Z.'s laugh

623. Grandma's oatmeal, apple cake ;)

624. Grandpa's sense of humor

625. That two of Mom's cousins met us at the airport here . . . nice surprise.

626. Staying with my cousin before the airport, chatting with her.

627. Jesus seeming to tap my heart . . . it's time to be courageous, danae.

628. It's just the beginning . . . we can go together, maybe make a difference, Jesus?

629. Dad packing lunches, tucking love notes inside.

630. Seeing that morning star, the sun rising early early.

and one last desire . . . to be with You, Jesus, to follow Your footsteps, to be fresh air and new songs wherever I go. Starting now. amen

Monday, June 21, 2010

Second Week of Summer Thank You's

Summer . . . I am so grateful for it! It is a wonderful thing to step away from the school books and some of that chaos and do other types of work and plenty of types of relaxation. A good thing.

Jesus? Thank you . . .

601. For the sunshine today! Glorious . . . and it's the first official day of summer, huh?

602. For the buckets of berries . . . strawberries & raspberries. Picked today, a good picking day.

603. Seeing that little skunk family . . . and that they weren't too close to our house.

604. Vacation Bible School! The opportunity to lead kids in music and motions and throughout.

605. The answer to prayer that two little kiddos could go with us.

606. Kiddo number one's laugh and his cousin's giggle.

607. Finishing the book Treasure in Earthen Jars by Faye Hooley Byers Taylor. It's a book written about Faye's mission work in Mexico. My youth group stayed at the camp that Faye started while doing our mission work in Mexico and also worked at her daughters' church there.

608. Two new books from the library. An Annie Dillard one (I'm trying it . . . love her descriptive writing. What talent) and a bio on Harriet Beacher Stowe (someone whom I admire SO MUCH for her ingenuity and heart in writing Uncle Tom's Cabin. BRILLIANT!

609. Meeting friend in town and chatting and seeing other classmates unexpectedly! Fun!

610. The little goose calling me "Mar" . . . short for "Mary." ;) Even after 6 months, the little stinker. I love that 3 year old girl!

611. The money and card and gift blessings that keep blowing in. People's heart and kind generosity.

612. Laughing with aunts and uncles around a Father's Day dinner.

613. The delicious food for that dinner!

614. Seeing that beautiful bird of black with parts of red.

615. Watching Pastor play the part of Joseph in VBS. Good times.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

danae + summer = more blog time?

Today is Wednesday, my first Wednesday of summer vacation. What a sweet thing! :) Though I don't feel like I'll be able to write a long post today, I'm excited to hopefully get the chance to write more here during these summer months.

I am so excited for summer, for more memories and adventures. This week has been filled with VBS. Sadly, yesterday had to be canceled due to a power outage. I was pretty bummed yesterday. I so enjoy helping with Bible School. This year, a group from the youth (including me) are leading music. It's fun to lead the kids in crazy motions. :) Isn't this what Bible school is made of? Well, you know . . . :) I also get to help lead a group of crazy munchkins. :) Very fun. Honestly, I wonder if helping with VBS is maybe even more fun than being a VBS participant, but hey. What do I know, and that was a few years ago that I was in the kids' shoes. :)I just hope the kiddos are having a good time in Egypt.

The theme this year is Egypt. On Monday, our lesson was based on hope. When Joseph was in the Egyptian jail, it didn't seem like he had much hope at all, but because He relied on the Lord . . . there was hope. God's plans for him were good. God's plans for us are good as well if we're willing to follow Him. Anyway, I better go . . . I think I'll actually take a nap. I'm exhausted. I took mom to work today, came back home and actually jogged & walked [YES!], and then I went back to the school that my mom takes her patient to --- Mom's an RN that watches over this little special needs guy. It was so fun to be with those kiddos with special needs. They're all so beautiful, so needy for love. I've talked about them more in past blog posts. Maybe I'll tell more sometime.

Anyway, hopefully this is the beginning to more consistency in my blogging. [Though hopefully this isn't a sample of my blogging . . . this is a pretty lame post! ;)] I hope all you readers out there have a lovely day. :) Look for Jesus in your day! I bet you'll find Him . . . ;)

Monday, June 14, 2010

A Two Week Strand of Thanks

Last Monday, my class and I were enjoying our last big adventure as a class on our senior trip, and thankfully, I really had no access to a computer (a very good thing). :) But I have a lot of things to be thankful for from two weeks ago to now, and I probably couldn't even name all of them, but here are a few. :)

566. The finishing of school finals

567. Senior's Countdown, us all packed in that little office, yelling those numbers. 10. 9. 8. 7. . . . 3. 2. and 1. And we were off. There were a few tears by some . . .

568. The arrival at Drift Creek Camp. Senior Trip time.

569. Playing old camp games in the chapel together as a class.

570. The beautiful sunshine at the camp and coast . . . what an answer to prayer, a gift.

571. The strong waves of a surging ocean on a sunny day.

572. Him coming and talking with me at the coastline.

573. Friend checking up on me, just talking, taking me home.

574. Her telling me I've been different, letting me cry and talk things out. Crying with me.

575. Hearing classmates' testimonies.

576. Being able to run and cry and speak some of the anger out in the woods, and Jesus, You being there to chase after me and remind me of Love.

577. The warm fire when I was drenched.

578. Playing catch with one of my teachers and friends.

579. S'mores on the beach

580. Getting sun-burnt while taking a nap on a playground by a lake.

581. Riding out on a canoe with a beautiful friend. We didn't even get tipped over! ;)

582. Bulwinkles. Playing laser tag with friends. :)

583. Drenching classmates during bumper boats. And, . . . well, being drenched. :)

584. Friend sitting on the bus with me, talking on the way home, encouraging me.

585. Breakfast at Shari's with classmates, and the waitress giving me and J a free half of a cinnamon roll because we were the only ones not eating! What a special, sweet gift!

586. JP asking me to walk with him for graduation.

587. Finishing speech for grad and poster. Grace. <3

588. Mom taking me to get my hair done with her for grad . . . so fun to have curls. :)

589. Graduation ceremony . . . celebrating with classmates.

590. Handing out a rose to my mom, and saying thanks to the rest of my family, breaking down. I love my family so much.

591. The peace during my speech.

592. Teacher's personal verse for me.

593. The way he blessed me beyond measure, telling me why he appreciates me. I'm gonna miss him and so many others.

594. Graduation party with family afterward. Good times.

595. Graduation party with church friends and other special people and all those that showed up, and those special people that couldn't but sent the cards.

596. Teacher's unexpected check and special letter. His words meant a lot.

597. Her gift of soap and funny card, made me laugh. :)

598. All the money and sweet gifts that poured in and the sweet, encouraging words and cards.

599. A Costco cake . . . my first costco cake. :) Kinda fun. :)

600. That summer vacation has officially started. SUMMER IS HERE!!!!! :)

You've swamped me with gifts, Father! I don't deserve them. Remind me of that. Teach me self-forgetfulness and sincerity. I've got a lot of growing to do yet . . .

Monday, May 31, 2010

I Want to be Grateful

I want to be grateful. But I'm not very good at it. I forget. Go through the motions. Think I'm entitled. What a misconception, huh? Heaven must laugh some days at my immaturity. Or maybe it's Below that laughs while Heaven cheers me to keep going deeper, keep running farther? I don't know. I'm just glad Jesus is patient with me and that I'm not a number. He knows my NAME! Wow . . . that in itself is something to be so thankful for!

551. Bursting, pink peonies

552. Flowers covering church graveyard. Just knowing that people do still care.

553. Learning that I'm valedictorian. Special gift. I hope He's glorified.

554. Putting colored frosting on cupcakes.

555. Standing under the security light, spotlighted under dark.

556. Sweet two year old's dimpled grin and laugh.

557. Her taking time to talk to us.

558. A friend's pregnancy. An answer to prayer.

559. Finishing walk-a-thon . . . my last high school fundraiser. Done.

560. My last off-campus lunch with friends. Bitter & Sweet.

561. The fellow at the gas station cleaned my windshield! :) First time ever. :)

562. Chinese child's willingness to help. And talk.

563. Photographs of the Heavens. What a magnificent Creator.

564. Fresh corn on the cob that we'll have for lunch today! :)

565. Learning about new Christian artists, musicians, authors.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Thanks Giving

541. Finishing a project

542. Sweet smell of lilac

543. Playing violin while sister plays piano

544. Umbrellas in the downpour

545. The prayer meeting women's kindness

546. Having enough ribbon to cover donation jars. God is GOOD.

547. Coming up with enough change to make the $5 I needed. Another God is Good!!! ;)

548. The revelations on hunger and reminder to chew His Word. Slowly.

549. His comment . . . sometimes, it just feels good to hear your own name.

550. Only 8 more days left of school for SENIORS!!!! :) YES!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Quotin' Day

Those kind of dreams [like dreams kids have of working at Chuck E. Cheese or even adult dreams] start in our hearts and then we ask God to bless them. They're about us. God-sized dreams are ultimately about Him.

-Holley from:

Everywhere among conservatives we find persons who are Bible-taught but not Spirit-taught... If a man holds to the fundamentals of the Christian faith he is thought to possess divine truth. But it does not follow. There is no truth apart from the Spirit.

- A. W. Tozer - Quoted recently by Ann Voskamp

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1

I reset myself. Blessing Him is first. Not my list of pleading, not my list of need. Not my list of want. But making mention. Saying the name of the Lord over and over if that's all I can get out at first.

- Arianne typed this out in an article at (In)Courage

Monday, May 17, 2010

At 540 & Counting

In The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, Screwtape, a demon, writes to his nephew, a beginner tempter, that God is a hedonist. He is a God of pleasure. Interesting concept. I think that you could go way too far with that, but I do believe that God has created good things that we can enjoy, true pleasures. Things we can be truly grateful for.

531. Thunderstorm

532. Catching "Hurricane" by Jimmy Needham on radio.

533. Sectioned grapefruit for Sunday breakfast

534. Blowing dandelions

535. Sneaking up on youth group boys (fail.) ;)

536. Hearing exciting news from prayer sister :)

537. That she trusted me enough to share.

538. The church wrapping arms around the one who had fallen. Forgiveness, healing.

539. "The wrath of God was satisfied." (Line from song "In Christ Alone") I'm learning about God's wrath on sin, His absolute hatred towards it, as seen in part through Ezekiel. How significant His grace.

540. The awesomeness of Ezekiel's visions. His glimpses into a Spiritual world that are very, very, very real.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Power of Saying No

Today, I said "no" to something I was struggling with. It's amazing how much more in control one can feel if you start taking charge instead of letting something (notice, I didn't say someone :) take charge over you.

Lately, I've been really battling with what I diagnose as compulsive eating. I'm sick of it. You know, it's funny how people label the depths of sins, when really, God truly hates them all. Some sins might have different outcomes, but sin is in part the definition of what Jehovah God hates. And I carry my own little pack of 'em. My own little pack of things I don't submit to His Lordship, things like my computer time, my devotional time, how I act when I should wait, what I say when I should be silent, and yes, what and how much I stuff into my mouth. You know? It's embarrassing, and someday maybe I'll tell you a little more on this topic, but it's not a fun one, nor is it a so-called "normal" sin. You won't find overeating tagged onto the top 5 sins on Google, I'm sure. :)

Anyway, so today I decided I'd have no sweets/desserts. I almost caved once. [Shame . . . grace]. And you know what? It felt so good not to just eat and eat and eat. Hallelujah! But that doesn't mean I've completely submitted. I've got so much submitting to do. I'm not exactly even sure what that looks like in the eating field, but I know it applies. I think it starts with a renewed mind. That's my prayer. If Jesus can change my mind (I believe He can), He can change me.

Have you said "no" today?

Monday, May 10, 2010


This is a small list today, but my gifts have far outweighed this counting. Jesus is so good to me. Even though I haven't been seeking Him like I should be lately. Even when I'm faithless. I've got a lot of growing to do, but on the way, Thanks . . .

521. Spring rain

523. Field trip to courthouse . . . being able to witness an institution that I believe God set in play a few thousand years ago.

524. A friend allowing me to borrow a dress for formal . . . what a gift and relief! Wasn't sure what I was going to do!

525. The secret handshake Chinese friend and I do. :)

526. Poem from American friend :)

527. Chapel speaker who spoke on living hope

528. Hanging out with girls during formal and

529. Our after party . . . good food, fun movie, and Apples to Apples . . . Yes! :)

530. The corsage given to me by friend . . . completely unexpected.

Monday, May 3, 2010

So Good

"God is so good, He's so good to me!" How has He revealed His goodness to you this week?

511. Short hair

512. Sister's moment . . . sharing joy.

513. Delayed tests

514. Dark chains falling

515. Being able to really sing in church again

516. Answer to prayer about a lady at church

517. Being able to work with others to clean my church

518. One month exactly until senior trip and NO MORE SCHOOL! Um, YESSSS! :)

519. Sharing milkshakes in Arbys with my family

520. Sermon on Sunday, about Nehemiah . . . choose your battles, know who your enemy is, know the vision, pray and keep watch, find your source in Almighty God. good. stuff.

Happy day! :)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

New Love Song

I have a nice little mental list of Christian artists' love songs. I can't help it. I'm a girl. ;) Anyway, recently I added a brand spankin' new one to the list . . . "Love is Waiting" by Brooke Fraser. I hope it's okay that I share the lyrics with you . . . here they are:

In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold

the climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man


I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

Isn't that fabulous? This song is so anti-American-Culture. But that's why it's SO Good! It reminds me of that verse in Song of Solomon that goes something like, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." You know that one? I love how Brooke paints the importance of treading carefully into another person's life and waiting for the right time, not the feels-right time but the right time. Anyways. It's late, so farewell for now! Don't forget to take a jaunt to youtube and check out "Love is Waiting" by Brooke Fraser! [And while you're there, you might consider listening to Albertine too . . . it's good]

Monday, April 26, 2010


I am blessed . . .

497. Hearing Sarah Reeves (Christian artist) sing at Acquire the Fire

498. Meeting Sarah in person (thanks to my sister's prodding. grin.)

499. Riding the Max for the first time

500. Donuts from a teacher during field trip

501. Going on a shopping field trip last Friday :)

502. Bouquet of branches, green leaves, dogwood flowers

503. Multnomah deposits sent in

504. Just walking and exploring in backyard and sunshine

505. Witnessing different cultures of worship

506. Earplugs ;)

507. Patches of purple wildflowers

508. The story of the woman caught in adultery

509. Acting in a role play at school as a semi-nagging wife :)

510. "God of the Impossible" by Sarah Reeves

Monday, April 19, 2010

Thank You Again

486. Mom's birthday balloons.

487. Making cheesecake with Briana . . . cream cheese wars . . .

488. Laughing at The Point Restaurant in my town during Mom's birthday meal.

489. Doing bubbles with Briana . . . who said bubbles were for little kids? :)

490. That there's still businesses up and going in my town

491. A new family car . . . even if we're not quite best buds yet. *ahem* :)

492. Little girl calling me "Mary" and wanting to sit on my lap

493. Her giggles as we played an updated version of peek-a-boo . . . with a peach tea package paper ??? :-D

494. Fellowship with friends

495. Song "Times" by Tenth Avenue North

496. Psalms 23 . . . life.

Friday, April 16, 2010


Hello world. It's been awhile since I've posted, besides the weekly gift counting, and that's not cool because I happen to really like writing and tapping out keys for this little, special blog of mine. I'm not sure what I'm going to tell you, Mr. World, but I guess if you're willing to ride on thought streams, you might be in for interesting scenery.

So, this week marked the first official week I went to school all five days since spring break due to the past two Fridays being off. Such a good thing. The Fridays off I mean. And really, this week wasn't too bad. I haven't had much homework; life has been fairly decent. And I did something new this week. Or it was done to me. I got my eyes dilated! :) SMILE. It was WEIRD. My eyes looked WEIRD. And the sunshine was REALLY SUPER BRIGHT after that. :) It was kind of cool though. I guess my eyes are in pretty good shape except the pressure is a little abnormal. Eye doctor wasn't too worried though . . . I just need to get in there every couple of years. Not sure if that will happen, but we shall see, world, we shall see.

Today I finished reading the book of Isaiah. Have you read it? You really should take a jaunt through it. It's pretty radically fantastic.

PS Currently, I'm listening to Cielo by Phil Wickham, and so far, I think I like it. [I'm looking up lyrics to solidify that fact]
. . .
. . .
. . .

Okay, I looked up the words. Good.

[Sometimes, I wonder what in the world is going on with you, danae?. My oh my. Some days I'm afraid I go crazy, but it kind of goes with me. Sometimes I think that deep inside of me, there's a very untamed creature. There's wildness. Or maybe I'm just dramatic. I don't rightly know.]

. . . > Now I'm on to Phil Wickham's "Heaven Song" < . . .

Have you ever had one of those days or moments when you just really wanted to go Home? To Jesus? When I was younger, I really didn't want to die. Or be raptured. I'll be honest . . . I wanted to get married, have kids, experience dreams. And I still do. But recently, my gaze has kind of shifted. I'm excited for Home. I'm excited to be with Jesus and to feel His love and His arms and thank Him. To be done struggling. The greatness of Heaven isn't so much the focus anymore, nor the loss of earth (I hope . . . I still struggle with holding on to earth, but I cannot) but meeting Jesus. WOW! That will be GOOD. INDESCRIBABLE! And it will be Home, "where I belong." It reminds me of the movie "Split Infinity" . . . have you seen it? This girl falls of a barn, and it knocks her out for awhile. During that time of unconsciousness, she travels back in time to her grandpa's days and the Great Depression. She goes into that time period where she's seen by others as her grandpa's sister. Anyway, there's one point when she's back in time and had just put on a successful fair to raise money to save the family farm, yet the bank was still going to take the house, and somewhere in there, she goes to her "brother" (really her grandpa at a younger age) and tells him that she really wants to go home (back into her time period), and her grandpa responds, "Amelia, this will always be your home," and she answers again that she just wanted to go home. Her grandpa didn't get it . . . this wasn't home. That's what I feel like. This isn't home. My family is wonderful and people are wonderful, and there are still remnants of Eden in a broken sense on this earth, but it's not my home. I'm glad I know where my real Home is, ya know? Some people still don't understand.

Well, I guess I'll bring this thought stream to an end for now. Mom informed me that I should be getting yucky stuff done first (like homework) before fun. I guess she's right (but it is FRIDAY! YEEEESSSS). So Adios, world! Farewell.

*for now*

Monday, April 12, 2010


I think I'm kinda lame. I haven't blogged between Mondays in at least two weeks . . . Sheesh! Not good! :) smile :) But here I am again today. I really honestly don't feel much like being grateful; I'd rather hop back into bed and sleep through the day and not even journey to school (two months exactly until graduation! woot!), so this is kind of a "sacrifice of praise" of sorts. Here goes.

476. The smell of freshly cut grass

477. New skirt

478. Smell of freshly cut wood

479. Grandma's chocolate chip cookies

480. Remembering at our Mexico Mission Trip church service yesterday . . . so fun to see the pictures and video clips. Brought back memories.

481. Movie Gifted Hands. Based on real life story.

482. Little girl's smile and hug . . . "Mary?"

483. Watching pageant on DVD . . . interesting. :-/ :)

484. Mom's scalped potatoes and ham. Mmm.

485. Encouraging words from the "olders" and friend . . . isn't this church?

Please forgive this kind of pathetic post . . . it's 6:21 am. :)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Merciful Savior: Thank You.

What an incredible week . . . Resurrection week. I am beggar, leper, crippled, but then story changed here. When I came to that cross, that incredible, horrific, awful cross where love spoke deeper than words. Love was torn flesh, and profuse bleeding. Love was surrendering to a plan etched out long before, even though it cost everything. It is because the scars are on His hands, not mine, that I can lift my heart to Heaven and be free. I'm still broken, but someday, that broken deadness will be completely torn off, and I will be simply Child of God. What a gift undeserved. I am nothing compared to the gift. I am absolutely nothing when compared to the Giver. But He has chosen me, and I am no longer a shadow but a substance, no longer the diseased, but one in the process of healing, and it's all because of Him, Jesus.

Thank You, Jesus, for the gifts . . . the little and the big. For:

461. Colored Easter eggs

462. Those scribbles from little Brown Eyes Sunday morning . . . what a sweetheart!

463. Isaiah . . . the book I'm wading through right now. Wowzers. Good. Stuff.

464. The Armor of God . . . we can be protected, covered. Jesus provides that armor.

465. The tune of rain bouncing off the car while it's parked

466. The greens of the grass in the yards and fields.

467. Song "Albertine" by Brooke Fraser (Listen here)

468. That God is a God of justice. And mercy.

469. The power of God . . . an empty grave.

470. The passion of Yahweh, to give His Son. He should have killed me; I deserved it. But instead, He let me and many others kill Him. That is not justice. That is a mercy I don't understand. Alleluia. "This is my story!"

471. The blood of Christ . . . it covers me.

472. The protection of Jesus. He hems me in, before and behind. Safe.

473. Bird song . . . earthen melodies for a King.

474. A finished prayer journal.

475. Communion service . . . I will remember. Never ever let me forget.

Monday, March 29, 2010


Forgive me for not writing my gratitude list here last Monday. I was in beautiful Mexico and wrote a short one in my journal, but I didn't get it here. But I'm back, and if I may, I have plenty to thank Him for.

451. Healing from the sickness in Mexico. He is Immanuel. God with us.

452. That He is God of Mexico. I didn't bring God to Mexico . . . He was already there.

453. The sun rays. Warmth and different perspectives.

454. Beautiful people, leading by an example how to be servants of God.

455. Laughing with friends in a brand new country . . . working with them too.

456. Being able to physically work. A gift.

457. CLEAN WATER! I love being able to brush my teeth from the tap here and not worry about water droplets carrying parasites as I take a shower or grab for a drink. America is blessed with that gift in many parts of the nation.

458. Being home . . . so nice to have a place to go when I came back.

459. Prayers of the Saints, holding me up, encouraging me.

460. Her card in the mail, so unexpected, so gracious. Another proof that God is good.

I press on. I don't want to face the battles here again. It's easy to become weary under the load, but I will try to choose joy today, choose to lay the burdens at the feet of the cross. This is Resurrection week . . . beautiful, horrible things happened this week. I want to remember. How are you remembering?

Friday, March 26, 2010


It's Friday. Last day of spring break. First full day home after being gone on a mission trip to Mexico. I'm so tired. And loaded down. Homework, battles, futures.

And sometimes, we live on grace. And the remembrance that God is sovereign, expansive. That He knew before I was born what I'd be digging through now. He knows the joy set before me, and I'm quite certain that He wouldn't want worry to squash the joy He offers. He gives rest. Hope. Destiny. Dreams. And it's exciting. So, I blow away the stress and push through. God knows how much I can handle, so I trust Him. [And He knows the same for you, friend]

"It's not me but You that makes the heart beat. I'm lost without You, You dying for me." -- BarlowGirl.

I'm anticipating and praying for that Beautiful Ending and the sweetness of the center. And waiting, I make it my goal to trust and praise and relax in arms stronger than myself because "Your love is beautiful." Farewell friends for the night . . . See you later!