Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Your Love Is River

Letters bounce in my fingers and tap through my fingertips, aching to come out somewhere, anywhere, and a blank computer canvas seems to be the perfect place.

Some people stay away from blogs because they don't want their personal diaries out in the world, there to be analyzed by an audience of strangers, friends, and those only held at arms length who clomp around the internet. 


Well, I guess I never intended this to be a place of raw emotion. It's more the chance to take a whirl at the brush and see if any beauty can come from the pain and joys and peace and brokenness of the everyday. 

So I type and type and type and try to bring redemption of some sort. 

But the Word whispers in my ear . . . I am the Redeemer, my Love. I am the Author of your story and as often as you try to write and rewrite and reorganize, . . . I am the only One who will make the ending sweet. Let go. 

I am no Redeemer. Not like my Jesus, but I am a witness to His redemption. 

And I beg to see it.

I beg to see it in the life of the family who's mother committed suicide on Friday.

I beg to see it in the life of a friend whose heart is broken, just when he was beginning to learn to be loved again.

I beg to see it in the life of the couple trying to figure out where their relationship goes from here . . . to move forward or to end? All for Jesus . . . through pain or joy. I pray for peace for them.

I beg to see it in the girl who has been running and running from Jesus. She sees Him trying to grab her attention again. Tragedy and tragedy comes, and He desires her HEART. But she's not quite ready to let go.

And Jesus? I beg to see it in me. The broken lover . . . the broken do-er and mover who can't seem to just be still in Your home. I beg to see it in my broken heart and my broken motives and motions and relationships. In my broken, cracked dreams. I beg to see it in my past decisions and actions and failures. I cannot redeem myself. 

We cannot redeem ourselves. Oh sweet friend, how often we try. We beat ourselves up, hoping we can bring redemption, work things out in the world so the balances are even. We try to over-correct our mistakes. We are not our redeemers.

But I know One who is very good at what He does.

Even when we can't see Him working.

He's beginning to show me His fingers again.

Moment by moment.

In different shadows and wells, I cup His love to my mouth and try to drink. I look at the sky when the birds soar across it and try to drink. I read the words that just fit and try to drink. I find His smile in the smile of a gentle heart and try to drink. 

And His love is our life, and His love, when we let it come and fill the dry corners, will bring a redemption of us. Because only love can change the dry, cracked, broken into something that can move and breathe and sing again. :)

Come, Redeemer. We will drink deeply of Your love and the hope found in hidden corners. Only You can redeem me. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

Your Thoughts

I'm a thinker.

Self-proclaimed self-analyzer.

I have thought myself through and through, trying to figure out who I am and where I stand and why I do what I do and think what I think. I have recently tried to figure myself out through every angle, every perspective, . . . except for His.

So in my fallible, messy heart, I tried to imagine what His words would be to me {what He thinks of me} because I'm so desperately longing for His response. What would His words be to you, friend? I wonder if they might sound similar.

Maybe something like this?

danae . . . oh danae, my Love.

You think I'm so far away, that I'm at work in others' lives, that you are too far beyond my reach. You think of yourself as the hard-hearted pharisee yet you deeply desire freedom from this. Oh my Love, I know. This is not how I see you. I see you as daughter. And you, my dearly loved child, I've seen you. I've seen your tears and your unanswered questions, and I understand why you've responded to life the way you have lately. I understand. I see. I know. Come to me. Just come. I still want you.

I know. I knew this all before it would happen. I allowed you to press forward into a relationship that I knew would break your heart, and I knew. I knew you would reach a moment of intense weakness, but I have leashed satan. He can go so far and no further. He has lied to you, danae, over and over, and I knew he would. I knew he would come at you when you were weak and down, but I promise I have never left you, and I have defended you, and I need you to come back to me. I need you to remember that I am Love, danae. I am Holiness and Mercy, and you can only find your peace in me. Come. Come to me. I know where the green pastures are and the quiet streams. I know. I will take you there. I will not leave you when the shadows of death rise. I will not forsake you. I have called you by name; You are mine, and I will not lose you because the Father has given you to Me. You are in my hands. I will pluck your feet from the net. Fear not, my love. Fear not.

You were not wrong when you called me gentle and kind. I will call you higher, and I will push you farther than you've ever dreamed, but I promise, I know how to grow you. I have grown thousands before you, and I have loved thousands, and we will get where we are going . . . together. Come, my love. Follow Me.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Sometimes I Need to be Reminded . . .

. . . that He does miraculous things with our lives, that He absolutely changes us. That HE is the Changer and Redeemer and Healer.

So encouraged, almost to tears, as I watched these videos. The LORD is remarkable, and it gives me HOPE that He will continue to work in me.

Be blessed, my friend.

Let it be known that we as God's kids are far from perfect. We have hurt each other and many others, and Jesus is still working on us. We are the products and the becomings of His grace. What we are becoming is something we could never dream of . . . praise Jesus.


Hello twenty-thirteen.

I walked into you as a child just awakened from a deep sleep, and you were the light I wiped from my eyes. I wasn't sure I wanted to face you. I was too fragile. You were too brilliant and everything about you so uncertain, your light too unfocused.

But I took a couple small steps, fragile, cautious, hugging on to all I knew as comfort and familiar.

I walked into you, and now I'm nineteen steps in.

Nineteen miraculous steps in.

I am much safer than I've felt. I've been comforted, and while sometimes {often}, healing is a long, deep process, it has been coming.

I prayed for Brokenness in October.

I even warned one of my friends, told him he might want to keep his distance from me because it would be possible that everything would cave in my life in a while. I'm not even sure I knew what I was saying, but there was a little truth in that. :)

Not everything caved.

But some things did.

... so i entered twenty-thirteen a little broken ...

And I had to remember how to breathe again.

Questioning everything.

Feeling everything.

Feeling nothing . . . from Jesus.

And there is mystery in brokenness, in the way that it sends us spinning and is never quite as neat as we may hope it is.

But what precious piece of its "magic", that it is the perfect heart-condition for YHWH to work more mystery . . . of planting and uprooting, of confronting me and my false ideas of who He is and who i am.

Well . . . this can happen in brokenness.

This is what I want to happen.

This new year marks a new season.

But I won't forget what's been behind. I sure don't want to do that . . . I have left one of the most beautiful seasons in my life thus far. I have let go of precious things, and I grieve that. My desire is gratitude, to be thankful and to carry the gratitude and the many good memories forward into this brand new season. This season of brokenness and emptiness.

Jesus still feels far away more often than not these past few days, but tonight I want to praise Him for that because it's easy to praise YHWH when my feelings align with what I know, but when my feelings are sprawling and spinning and everything chaos, this is when I can prove to YHWH and myself that I KNOW beyond a doubt that He is GOD, regardless of my heart. I can prove that I do  trust Him and will live that trust.

I'm a mess, y'all! What a mess.


So twenty-thirteen? I know I wasn't too sure about you, but I'm starting to get a little more excited for all the possibilities and unknowns you're hiding because YHWH is up to something I cannot see. And He is TRUSTWORTHY and FAITHFUL and CREATIVE and SLOW TO ANGER. He is GOOD.

I'm with You, Jesus. :) Please make me real and genuine and submissive. I am not who I should be, not who I want to be, and not who I will be, but {okay, okay ;)} it's time for me to stop trying to direct our relationship and my growth. You're perfectly capable. :) Thank You for being a Leader and a Lover. :) I will follow You.