Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Closing of a Month

The January 2010 chapter of my life is slowly closing, and the end of it leads to the beginning of a new chapter. And I wonder and feel like crying.

This month has been . . . well, how can I tag a month with one word? It's been heart-wrenching at times and glorious at others. There has been laughter and depths of pain and falling in love with my Redeemer. And December has still crept into today. Oh, it can be so hard to live every day pressing forward instead of leaning back. It's hard for me to put my feet in front of the other when I give him and this and that such a hold on my life, when I power their grip.

There have been new things. There have been a few huge times where I've been so privileged to feel the incredible love of Jesus, my Love. During several moments of December, I cried out to God and told Him that His love didn't feel like enough, and I didn't get it. My head preached that of course it's enough, but I cried for it and died for it. And during a few moments in December and some in January, God opened the floodgates to let me feelit. For those of you who know me (and as I've mentioned before), I'm such a "sensing" person . . . I try to feel to understand, to grasp. And I praise Him for allowing me those sweet, sweet breaths of feeling. And maybe part of it's just growing. I hope so. His love is so captivating . . . and I'm worth not a single shred of it. Not a dust particle amount of it. But I guess that's what makes it so spectacular, huh?

And of course, this month has been characterized by seeking . . . what in the world am I gonna do with the rest of my life?? :) smile :) but I'm learning so much about this season [even though it can be very frustrating]. I'm visiting Multnomah University again this week. Should be fun! :) Still wondering about Asbury in KY. Would it be the best way to please God? Because it'd require much more faith to go to KY? Much more separation from some things I'm holding way too tightly? Because there'd be more options and opportunities? Or is Multnomah the best place I can be? Close to family, knitted into a Bible-loving tapestry? Aye aye aye . . . So many questions. But I want to rejoice in the adventure too, knowing that the Mighty Hand of my Savior is clasping my small hand in His, and we're doing this thing called "danae's short life" together. I need to be praying hard that God would really direct me in this one, especially as I go and visit MU again. Whew. But I got to enjoy the ride while I got it, huh? ;)

Well, I suppose I should be going and taking a lovely Sunday afternoon nap. I might even take a walk later? The sun shining is so beautiful. Where I live, every bit of that sun is soaked up, stockpiling it for the rainy days. :) I hope sunshine glimmers in your world. Jesus is in it. I know that. :) BLesSinGs! :)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Praise

For those of you who read my prayer request blog for a girl named Kayla Becker, I just wanted to pass forward an update! Her hematoma (sp?) is shrinking, and she's off bed-rest! Thanks for the prayers. Miracles still happen . . . soo soo true. :)

Finished

Ah, semester finals are . . .[dun dun dunnnnn] . . . FINISHED!!! Woo hoo!!! What a good feeling . . .

And once again, and again, His grace is always enough . . . even in the physics finals and lack of sleep. alleluia. :) Real life, real grace.

Have a lovely day!!! :)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Dear Love

Jesus, thank You for being with me. You truly are my Best Friend. Oh Jesus, I need to shift the gaze off of me. You know i love the spotlight - - way too much. You know how out of the way I go to gain that shimmer of congrats and wows and pats-on-the-back, of feeling that "oh danae, you are somebody," "you matter," "i want you to be part of my life because you're worth it, you make me smile, you know just what to say, i need you." But Jesus, You also know that deep within, if I could just stand within Your presence, with the light of Your presence being the only light on my face, I could rest perfectly content in the being still. But I don't stay in Your presence like I should. I don't know why. Part of it means that i, danae, must die. And dying's hard and brutal. But Jesus, if life is ever to spring up out of the ice, the seed must die, and that's me. I need Your help. I've tried countless times, but trying to do this on my own isn't working. Will You change me?

And during the while, thank You . . .

379. that You spoke to me in church . . . if John the Baptist were here, standing by me as I type, and I asked him "What am i to do?" what would he tell me to do to change the way I'm living now? (Luke 3).

380. for the sunshine . . . oh how refreshing it is, Jesus! You know I needed it.. .

381. that my SATs are finished as of this past Saturday!!!!!!! Oh YESSSS :)

382. that I could be part of special music in church.

383. for vehicles that run . . . i take it for granted.

384. for Psalms 107 . . . it spoke to me today at lunch . . . I needed to hear You. I still do, Lord.

385. thank You that i made it through last week . . . stress levels spiked, but the breaking point came and the pressure resided and Your grace was enough . . . as always. new.

386. for laughter within my youth group.

387. for the fernando ortega music that I've been falling asleep too.

388. for hearing out all my questions

389. that You are my constant. my Faithful. my Love.

390. for secret prayer sisters at church :)

Thank You, Jesus. Please help me through this week . . . finals week. Please hold up my head. Help me to be dying to me. Living for You. I love You. . . . danae

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Life Diffuses

Down deep deep,
Translucent wings flex,
And crack against the cold, hard walls
And breath is breathed
And life diffuses.

Down deep deep,
The incision has not yet scarred,
And pain steadily contracts,
And translucent wings flex,
And life diffuses.

Down deep deep,
A hand touches farther than good,
And its power is love,
And its power is pain,
And life diffuses.

Down deep deep,
I'm learning to fly,
But I haven't yet risen above
The spidery rain clouds
And the spongy sunsets,
And the lightening.
Oh the lightening.
But down deep deep,
His name is healing me,
And the pulse of His heart
Is the melody, ringing in my soul,
And I'm still not there,
And the wings haven't repelled me from
A barren ground,
But the walls are cracking,
And I will wait.
And someday,
Deep down deep,
I will fly,
Oh and I will soar.
Translucent wings shall flex,
And life shall diffuse.
Jesus, soon?
I. Trust.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Backtrack

As most of you know, I began a journey to 1000 Gifts not that long ago. It was meant to be a journey of thankfulness, tallying up the things I'm thankful for and have been blessed by, but lately, I feel like I've just been going through the motions of it, just listing highlights of my week, not really digging deeper or trying to establish a heart of thankfulness. Thus, there's no point. At. All. So, in order to try to revert my heart back into thankfulness mode, I'm just going to post one thing that I'm thankful for today. Something I'm truly thankful for instead of just zapping the blogosphere with a half-hearted list of gratitude. So today? Today I'm so thankful . . .



378. That Jesus loves me deeper than I thought possible. That His love sweeps into the most arid parts of my being. That His love is not frightened away by my ugliness. My secrets. That His love heals me . . . it dips into the inmost, and I am new. NEW. alleluia . . . That He didn't love me and leave me. He's here to stay, . . . to dance with me and speak into me to run, to run to the world with His light, to run into the hurting, to run into the dying, to run into Him, into Peace. To Run. To Live. To Die. Oh thank You isn't enough. It will never be. Ever. But for now, it is what I have to give. That and this makeshift life of mine. Oh how I hold back too often. I'm selfish, prideful, arrogant, ashamed. Never ever enough. But His love is . . . I'm learning, and I'm changing. Piece by piece. . .

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Monday, January 11, 2010

All That Dirt . . . More Thankfuls

Okay, so I absolutely think Church is genius. I'm so thankful God thought it up. However, I'm not a pure congratulant of the current day system nor would I attest to its perfection. I've seen several blots of impurity within my own church. The Fellow that preached this past Sunday said that a lot of the people he works with claim they don't go to church because it's full of hypocrites. (Fellow wanted to ask them how they knew that?? Smile). But as I was sitting in that wood pew, I found myself agreeing with him. Oh how often do we wear the facade of everything's-right-in-the-world or the what-do-you-mean-it-looks-like-we've-been-upset-lately? or the of-course-I've-got-it-all-together? Hypocrisy isn't just going to church and then stealing from your company the next day. Can't hypocrisy also be looking like you have it all together when you're following apart? Now, maybe I have it wrong, and if I do, I'd love to know . . . but somehow, these pieces aren't lining up. Y'all, church is a group of stained and broken people rescued by a prodigious grace from the Shepherd, the Lover of our souls. We're KIDS, y'all. Children of the King, and I'm so proud of that! But I'm also so grateful that we don't have to be perfect or completely fixed on this earth.

Well, that same Sunday even before the sermon during sharing time, another guy stood up and said something that spoke in a quantity of soul decibels . . . "We are all made from the same clay." How true!!! That's something I suppose I've know all along, but to put it into words was brilliant and hit home. That's so incredible, y'all! It means that we often all struggle with similar things, that we all have bad days sometimes, that sometimes we have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and facing another day, that sometimes we break our hearts and stub our toes on each other. It means we're all imperfect and in need of that measureless grace. It means we can all stand on level ground, right? And we can do life together, through the sticky and the smooth, the sun rays and the shadows. alleluia. So, today I'm thankful for many things, but here's a few . . .

361. That as Christians, we're just kids of God . . . God doesn't ask us to become perfect before we become His, but after we've been adopted, He works in us and molds us on that Potter's Wheel of His.

362. A note from Her . . . I tell you, sometimes it's the simple written words and the written Word that make the best Gifts. <3

363. Laughing with friend and thinking of weddings . . . someday, Jesus? Teach me to WAIT!!!

364. Birthday party for friend and that smile!

365. Hearing couple's story of their journey through a marriage . . . and that rocky spot and that pure redemption.

366. Hearing Her tell me she'll be praying for me and this whole college search. Sweet love.

367. Those sweet cinnamon twists from a dear girl . . . unexpected graces.

368. His kindness and friendliness . . . God will reward him.

369. That God is GOOD. As one of my teachers speculated, can you even IMAGINE what it would be like if God wasn't good? Not to be harsh, but life would be living hell without the goodness of God!

370. That snowman He drew for me and that bag of goodies . . . sweet little guy! Blessed my socks off!!! :)

371. Talking honestly with Her and feeling some walls crack.

372. New words

373. My healthy salad for lunch today . . . I tell you, people, it's the little things!! :)

374. Working in the student store today (and NOT doing the change . . . haha . . . there are reasons for that! grin)

375. Photos . . . memory savers. <3

Happy today!!! Live transparently, . . . after all, it's all the same dirt. ;)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Prayer Time

Hey, y'all! So once upon a time, I came across a blogger named Kayla and her beautiful blog ADD TO THE BEAUTY, and I'm telling you, this woman is beautiful!!! She doesn't blog that often, but when she does, I love reading and following along on her journey.

Well, y'all, this girl needs our prayers, and as a fellow blogger and as I believe, sister in Jesus, I wanted to give her some room in this space of mine. Kayla's been blessed with a little baby growing inside her womb, but she's also been struggling with some bleeding and she has a hematoma that could be potentially very dangerous to that baby. Oh guys, from what I've seen, it's one of the worst things in the world to lose a child, even an unborned baby. Will you pray with me? Pray that if God wills, He would keep that little one safe and that He would really pour forth blessing on Kayla as she carries this child as well as her husband Micaiah. Thank you!!!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Thank You!

Time is ticking. Spanish 3 and many more classes start up again today so I'll just write a few of my gratefuls. :) Today's not going to be easy. Back to the grind. I'm trying to keep my head up though. It's God's day, right? :)

351. Watching "Flywheel" with family

352. Visit from Friend . . . that she'd take that time to see me. <3

353. Youth group's all nighter . . . hanging out with friends

354. Playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark in my church . . . I know that building much more than I did last week! :)

355. Hearing "Your Hands" by JJ Heller on the radio . . . right now.

356. Hearing the end of "Forgiven" by Sanctus Real on the radio when I woke up this morning. <3

357. Putting together a puzzle with Her

358. His German accent

359. That little girl smile and her calling me "Mary"

360. A New Year . . . a new beginning.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

A New Focus for a New Year

Wednesday night and Thursday morning I took some time to leaf through the pages of my 2009 prayer journals, trying to take a quick ride through the year, to recapture some of the moments I might have forgotten. As I looked back, I realized that 2009 was a tough year. There were so many moments of feeling like such a failure, feeling so guilty, like I wasn't enough. There were so many times where God felt distant, and I didn't know what to do about it except hate the feeling of numb pain [and yes, that exists . . . smile]. Disconnected was the word of the day several days. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Or IF I was doing something wrong. Anyway, I came to a point (well, maybe it wasn't a point or a destination but a new road) where I realized that it wasn't so much about the doing. It's not completely about the "God, what did I do now?," but more about the startling realization that just simply Danae is



F-O-R-G-I-V-E-N!!!!!


Do you know what that MEANS???? That means that I'm FREE!!! That means that guilt doesn't have to tie me down or paint my life in misery!!!! That means that the Maker of the Heavens can talk to me now. He can hold me close and hear my heart, (and I can hear HIS if I chose to listen). He can WALK with me now. Like, do you get what this even means????? Oh my word, it makes me excited just thinking about it! Now, I know what you're thinking [maybe]. You're thinking, "Well, duh! Didn't she know about this forgiveness before?" Well, yeah! and no. I knew about forgiveness, but my focus had been so much on the doing Christianity than the being a Christian, and don't get me wrong sir or misses . . . I'm not for trashing the doing like Christ. Faith without works is dead after all. But I'm also in for the just simply LIVING, for the just simply BEING.

One of the light bulb, oh-my-word-this-is-so-cool moments came while I was in the car, and this song came on the radio. Now, y'all, go listen to it. NOW. I mean seriously. RIGHT NOW!!! [If you've already heard it, well, click the replay button. It's good!]




Did you hear it yet??? :) Well, as of January 2nd, this is my new theme song for 2010. :) My two themes of this year are:

"Livin' Forgiven" and thinking that way too

and

Letting my life be an act of Worship for Jesus. Living purposefully to attain that cause.

Well, I'm going to make it my goal [call it a new years resolution if you so desire] to blog on my 2010 theme at the beginning of every month, an idea I've borrowed from other amazing bloggers. [You might need to remind me about it. smile]. But for now, I bid thee good day. Have a lovely night and a happy new year!

PS What's the theme of your year?