Twenty-Thirteen

Hello twenty-thirteen.

I walked into you as a child just awakened from a deep sleep, and you were the light I wiped from my eyes. I wasn't sure I wanted to face you. I was too fragile. You were too brilliant and everything about you so uncertain, your light too unfocused.

But I took a couple small steps, fragile, cautious, hugging on to all I knew as comfort and familiar.

I walked into you, and now I'm nineteen steps in.

Nineteen miraculous steps in.

I am much safer than I've felt. I've been comforted, and while sometimes {often}, healing is a long, deep process, it has been coming.

I prayed for Brokenness in October.

I even warned one of my friends, told him he might want to keep his distance from me because it would be possible that everything would cave in my life in a while. I'm not even sure I knew what I was saying, but there was a little truth in that. :)

Not everything caved.

But some things did.

... so i entered twenty-thirteen a little broken ...

And I had to remember how to breathe again.

Questioning everything.

Feeling everything.

Feeling nothing . . . from Jesus.

And there is mystery in brokenness, in the way that it sends us spinning and is never quite as neat as we may hope it is.

But what precious piece of its "magic", that it is the perfect heart-condition for YHWH to work more mystery . . . of planting and uprooting, of confronting me and my false ideas of who He is and who i am.

Well . . . this can happen in brokenness.

This is what I want to happen.

This new year marks a new season.

But I won't forget what's been behind. I sure don't want to do that . . . I have left one of the most beautiful seasons in my life thus far. I have let go of precious things, and I grieve that. My desire is gratitude, to be thankful and to carry the gratitude and the many good memories forward into this brand new season. This season of brokenness and emptiness.

Jesus still feels far away more often than not these past few days, but tonight I want to praise Him for that because it's easy to praise YHWH when my feelings align with what I know, but when my feelings are sprawling and spinning and everything chaos, this is when I can prove to YHWH and myself that I KNOW beyond a doubt that He is GOD, regardless of my heart. I can prove that I do  trust Him and will live that trust.

I'm a mess, y'all! What a mess.

But WHAT A SAVIOR!!!!

So twenty-thirteen? I know I wasn't too sure about you, but I'm starting to get a little more excited for all the possibilities and unknowns you're hiding because YHWH is up to something I cannot see. And He is TRUSTWORTHY and FAITHFUL and CREATIVE and SLOW TO ANGER. He is GOOD.

I'm with You, Jesus. :) Please make me real and genuine and submissive. I am not who I should be, not who I want to be, and not who I will be, but {okay, okay ;)} it's time for me to stop trying to direct our relationship and my growth. You're perfectly capable. :) Thank You for being a Leader and a Lover. :) I will follow You.