Revisiting Thursday

All right, general rule: I never write blog drafts; I just post cold turkey. :) On Thursday, however, I happened to distract myself by writing the following blog, which I edited today, and I wanted to share it with you. I also wanted to share that Jesus is reaching me and pulling me up. Continuously. I need Him. I hope it encourages you and reminds you that there is a Hand dangling near yours. It is strong and has the rough feel of a carpenter. There's even a deep, skin puncture in it, but it is the Hand of Love, and it is reaching for yours. Anyway, here goes:

Today was a rough day. As was yesterday. As was last week. I feel like the seams of my spirit are being torn, stitch by stitch. I was at the breaking point after leaving school today and heading home. I wasn't able to eat lunch, a guy in my class really disappointed me (but it definitely wasn't his fault by any means . . . it was mine. I had excepted something so impossible for the now.), I despised the way I was too loud, I was too tired, I was drowning with homework (and still am - - - now why am I doing this instead of homework, you ask? Good question . . . ), I was . . . broken. But after I got home and had eaten, I decided to go outside with my Bible and an English book. Things began to turn . . .

Sometimes, I truly think that what we need isn't the absence of our load or our struggle or are chaos. We just need a breath of fresh air, a breath of Jesus. That's what I took in as I walked around my house today. I poured it out, and He listened. I know it. I told Him that I'm not enough, that I'm driven by pleasing others, that I'm so sick of who I am right now, that this is only the second week and homework is a high tidal wave, threatening to drown me, that I'm not as strong as they think I am, that I'm not as connected to Him as they think I am. And you know what happened? I turned to this striking passage in Psalms 28. Here it goes in New International Version:

To you I call, O LORD my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. For if you remain silent, I will be like those who have gone down to the pit. Hear my cry for mercy as I call to you for help, as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place. Do not drag me away with the wicked, with those who do evil, who speak cordially with their neighbors but harbor malice in their hearts. Repay them for their deeds and for their evil work; repay them for what their hands have done and bring back upon them what they deserve. Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD and what His hands have done, He will tear them down and never build them up again. Praise be to the LORD, for He has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song. The LORD is the strength of His people, a fortress of salvation for His anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever.

These verses gently yet painfully knocked on my heart. Some of the lines that struck me were "who speak cordially with their neighbors but harbor malice in their hearts." I am ....... guilty. How easy it is to be superficial. How wrong it is to be anything less than genuine. Jesus, change me!

"My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped." I've been learning lately the importance of trusting. It is more important than I could have ever realized. If I don't completely lean on Him, I will fall. fail. splat.

"A fortress of Salvation" . . . Jesus is my castle. He is strong to save. I am safe.

"Be their shepherd and carry them forever." That is my heart cry. Jesus, will you do this for me? Please? I desperately need You. Desperately.

Well, this post is already well over how long it should have been. :( Rats. I've got to learn better. It's definitely raw and unrefined, but that's how I am. Jesus is changing me though. Minute by minute. Thought by thought. alleluia. :)

Yours truly,
just Simply Danae