The first week of school has been completely nailed away, finished. Yesterday I almost felt like I had just ended a ride on a twirling, whirling roller coaster and was left awe-struck and wind-blown, just sitting there wondering if this really just happened. If it really is happening. School has begun. I have stepped over the railing on into the ride. There's NO getting off until June 12th. OHHHHH boy. :)
It was a hard week. I ended it exhausted and irritable yesterday, of which I had no excuse. Never an excuse. Looking back, I know I need to play this week differently. It's time for me to revisit my goals. Selflessness. Trust. Humility. How did I really do this week?
If you peel back the thick layers, I am an addicted people-pleaser. It's ingrained deep, deep down. It controls me. Directs me. Moves me. I am enchained, but the irons must be broken. One good thing about this awful control is that the people I want to please aren't the drug addicts or the "bad kids" or the secular "in" crowd per se. Normally, it's my parents, people who give the impression that they think I can do no wrong, that I'm perfect, that I've got it all together, that I'm a faultless shining light. Now, take a step back. That should be good, right? No. I am constantly chasing the wind, perfection, and falling flat each time I fail. IT HURTS. I went through this week flippantly. Trying to survive. Trying to melt in with the rest of my class. Trying to be accepted socially. Grasping for love. But as I looked back at the end of the day, I didn't reach out enough to the new kids like people may have thought I should have. I was louder than I should have been. I laughed too frequently. I wasn't enough. I came home exhausted and took that exhaustion out at the dinner table. Exhaustion translated into irritability and unkindness. I had to keep the tears back way too often. And I had to think, this is only the first week.
But thankfully, this is only the first week. Lord willing, there are many more to come. And by the grace of a loving God, they must be different. Let me take a step back a little if I may . . .
Jesus, I lived life without purpose most of this week. I just lived. Just dived. And then there were regrets. I didn't measure up. I fell short. But honestly, I'm not so sure that's the main issue. I wasn't living for You, Most High. I was just living. I want to live with hope, with a joy-song. I want to carry Your word in my mind throughout the day. I want to pray like I breathe. I want to enjoy my classmates, Jesus, enjoy this short experience called Senior Year, but I want to enjoy it IN YOU. Not apart from You, never apart from You. My heart needs to be changed. The crusty walls need to be torn down and washed clean. Will You come, Lord? Will You work in this heart? Will You paint a fresh coat upon the walls and dust the neglected corners? I'll help. What can I do? And Jesus? I am so controlled by what I think people will think about me. I am driven by a force I was never meant to be driven by. I need help. Will You set me free?
I'm so glad that each new week starts on Sunday. I'm so ready for a brand spankin' new week. :) I'm thankful for each new moment. Each new day. I'm excited for a new chance to truly "walk humbly with my God," for a clean new slate. And with Jesus, I'm going to try hard to do this week right, to live purposely, driven by His hands. Let's do it! :)
just Simply Danae