Thank you to all of you who have followed me here. Oooh, I have loved this space. My first blog. There are so many unrefined words here . . . incomplete ideas. I've wrestled and found truth in unexpected places. Now, it's time for something new. I'm starting a new season, this post-college journey, so it's time to begin something new.
Find me here as the Stowaway. I blog at: http://thestowawayjournals.blogspot.com.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Finding the Right Parachute Cord
I’m the skydiver who surprisingly trusts that my cord actually will pull out my parachute. The problem is, I’ve got my hands on the wrong cord.
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| Image from: http://wallpaperest.com/parachute-wallpaper-606770. |
You only think I’m joking.
Okay, I’ve never been skydiving and thank goodness, because the time I go skydiving will be the last time you'll hear anything come out of my mouth. I’m convinced my vocal chords would full-fledge rupture from all the screaming I’d be doing on the way down, not to mention the fact that my heart would probably explode and my eyes would pop out of their sockets and . . .
I do live in a dangerous world though. A tough world. Sometimes, life is more complicated when walking on the ground than falling from the sky (at least if you have a fully functioning parachute you're able to operate).
In this tough world, I am required to trust proverbial parachute cords to survive. Only the hopeless let go.
The problem is, sometimes, I trust the wrong cord.
I'm learning this as Jesus is teaching me the trust lessons, . . . and what cords are actually trustworthy.
I'm learning something kind of surprising to me. I don't think I'm a heretic in saying the following. I'm still forming thoughts and ideas. I think I'm on to an important truth, but beware of heretic-sounding-language:
God's actions are unpredictable and thus not trust-able.
I know. I almost shudder in posting that, but give me just a minute.
I look out at the sky today and see what had been a beautiful, blue-sky morning turn into a white-sky, cloudy day. The weather is unpredictable, even with the skilled instruments we have. It is unreasonable to trust something that is unpredictable. It would be illogical of me to say that I trust the weather, that I trust it will be sunny tomorrow and drizzling the next day. It is impossible to trust the unpredictable. It is impossible for me to trust God to act in a certain way . . . He acts unpredictably.
Even with that said . . . God is to be trusted, but if I'm holding on to His actions as the parachute cord I think will get me out of my ugly situations, I'm going to be surprisingly disappointed.
God's character? God's character is predictable.
The character of God is absolutely trustworthy.
As I wait for a job post-graduation, Jesus is teaching me the ropes, . . . and what ropes are actually reliable. Instead of trusting that the Lord will most definitely have a job for me in the near future (something I would be tempted to trust, thinking that His goodness means He'll act in a way I deem good and best), He's asking me to trust Him to be all that He is for me. He will be good. He will be Provider. He will be Shepherd. He will stay true to His character regardless of whether or not I get a job in my timing.
Instead of trusting that He'll provide a spouse for me and for the friends in my life, I am asked to trust that He will be all He is for me, whether I get married . . . or am always single.
One of my professors at Multnomah taught me that disappointments are sometimes God's way of destroying the lies we believe about Him. Disappointments can often be good indicators that we're holding on to the wrong parachute cords, that we're trusting in something that is not trustworthy or that is not trust-able. When God doesn't act in the way I think He should and I am disappointed, it's a very good possibility that I was trusting Him to act in a certain way instead of trusting His character, trusting Him to act however He wishes but all out of who He is.
As I learn to trust Jesus with my present, with my desires, with my pain, with my future, with my friends, with my family, with everything, He asks me an important question.
For what are you trusting Me?
Am I trusting Him to act in a way that I think He should?
Or am I trusting that He will be GOD in my life and that Him being God is just enough for me?
Life is tough. We need Someone to trust because to be honest, we're free-falling in a broken world. It is not just enough to trust Him. We need to trust Him rightly, to allow Him to be all He is in our lives instead of expecting Him to be all we want Him to be and do all we think He should. This lesson isn't easily learned, but right questions need to be asked. What are you trusting Him for today?
Friday, May 2, 2014
I Am Loved; I Am Human
This post is dedicated to Renee, a woman who has so lovingly and carefully counseled me through this semester. This is such an incomplete picture of what you have taught me and how I've learned from the safety and kindness you've offered. Thank you for teaching me how to be human. It's setting me free.
Okay. I won't lie. I was sitting in Intro to Counseling, and it took me several minutes to decide whether or not I would really sign-up for the extra-credit counseling my professor was offering. It would take an hour a week for the next ten weeks and the extra credit was extremely minimal. I tried to sincerely consider it. I really didn't feel like I had any major crisis or problems going on in my life currently (ha!), but I supposed it would be good to learn about counseling by being counseled, and I figured that it could teach me to be a better friend and walk with hurting people, and plus it would help an MAC student get her hours. I went back and forth, and my friends laughed at my dramatic anxiety over such a little task of choosing whether or not I'd take counseling. Finally, with the sign-up sheet in my hand and my professor already into her lecture, I just decided, "Why Not?!"
And then I went to counseling.
And then I figured out I had more problems then I thought I did. *wink*
And that's how this all begins.
Besides figuring out that I have plenty of problems, I also found out that there was a lot more living and freedom to experience in my life than I had known were available. Two of my favorite things are when normalcy is questioned (Maybe trying to live like a superhuman isn't normall?), and when normalcy is defined (Maybe feeling burnt out and lonely are normal feelings?). Both of these happened in counseling, and both of them helped me on my journey to becoming human.
"Childlike."
Renee, that was one of the first words that you caught with your mirror and reflected back to me, letting it catch new light. I had said it from my own mouth, but I hadn't heard it.
"Wow. That's how I feel. I didn't realize that before."
We talked about both extremes of how I see myself . . .
as a small, child-like person who wants to be credible and intelligent and adult
and
as an indispensable part of people's lives, as needed, necessary and important to all.
Renee, you taught me to shift perspective, to look at my problems as stemming from sin, yes, but also from the vulnerability of how God created me.
Yes, I am proud. (SIN). Yes, I believe that I need to be needed and struggle with platonic friendships, but that pride is deeper than something I could just pluck out of a garden. Roots aren't just a careless metaphor. Sin is a complicated thing, and this sin has more depth than its outward behavior. It comes from a legitimate need to be loved, a need that points to the vulnerability that God created in me. (VULNERABILITY). I cover up the need by trying to do things my own way. I become the special person who pours out her soul with the subtle and subconscious hope of being loved in return. As I fulfill this role for myself, I become untouchable. I create a standard for myself that is far above the standard of being human. I have to be perfect in order to be loved, so I expect myself to be, and I either punish myself when I do wrong or criticize those around me to protect me from facing my own heart. I busy myself in order to not hear the silence, to not hear the possibility that I may not be all that special and because of that, I may not be all that loved.
Renee, you held the shovel and showed me how to dig carefully. While I was trying to cut down the tree from the trunk, you showed me how to dig with gentleness and kindness toward myself in order to understand the roots. You taught me to see that my idea of being "special" or my fear of admitting my own needs isn't just a pride issue to be taken care of quickly and ruthlessly, but it leads me towards a vulnerability of my need to be loved.
Vulnerability.
It makes me human. Our needs make us human, don't they? What other creatures need to be loved? Sure, all things of earth need to be taken care of, but who else needs the emotional and spiritual act of love?
Renee, you helped me on this journey of re-routing my identity. You helped teach me to "embrace" my vulnerability of needing to be loved as you led me to the Father. I have always known that God has loved me, but while saying that, I have lived with my head always over my shoulder, hoping He's watching, hoping He's not disappointed in me, anticipating the expression on His face. I have categorized love as sounding like the words, "I'm proud of you." You know what that means though, don't you? That if I believe that "I'm proud of you" means "I love you," than I believe that "I am disappointed" means "I don't love you right now."
Stephen Chbosky says it well: "We accept the love we think we deserve."
I can know in my head that God loves me, but I can also look at my life and see a million downfalls and character flaws that I know aren't pleasing to Jesus, that seem so disappointing. I have struggled to believe I deserve His love. Struggling to believe is struggling to accept His love.
I asked you, Renee, how can we really believe that we deserve love? Isn't that self-centered and self-worshiping? After all, I don't deserve what Jesus did for me on the cross. I don't deserve Him dying, Him loving me so powerfully. I don't believe I deserve that. I know I don't, so how can I accept His love for me as something of which I'm deserving?
And you offered me the kindest gaze of compassion and empathy, and it almost looked like you were about to cry with me and for me . . .
"Danae, you are expensive. Jesus has made you new, and when the Father looks at you, He sees His Son. You have been made to be worthy of His love."
And for some reason, all of the same truth I thought I learned in Sunday School and all I learned in Church and Bible School somehow never taught me that song the way that your words did.
Me?
I can actually believe that I have been re-created to be worthy of His love, simply because I am made new through His Son?
I am loved? In a love that isn't about pleasing or escaping disappointing but in just being?
I like to say that often with me, the simplest things are the most profound. This was profound.
I'm learning to live loved, to actually accept the love of a Father who transformed me and rewired me enough to be made humbly worthy of His love in a way that I can accept it. Living with this understanding of a need for love and in the fulfillment of this need makes me human.
You taught me, Renee, that sometimes, loving people is enjoying them. Because I've lived my life secretly needy and have been urged on by my own neediness to fulfill the needs around me, I've equated fulfilling needs so much with love. That is such a restless and inadequate picture of love because it means that when love isn't reciprocated out of my hard work to meet people's needs and make them happy, than I'm anxious and frustrated and feel unappreciated. Love isn't like that. Love means that I enjoy people, who they are, not simply in what they can give me in terms of fulfillment of being needed or in the identity I feel they give me.
I'm learning that being loved means being enjoyed too. This frees me up to having platonic friendships that aren't need-based but are love-based. What if I were vulnerable and brave enough to let myself be in relationships where I wasn't needed? What if I gave others the chance to love me instead of protecting myself in a way that de-humanizes me and forces me to be superhuman and walled in?
I'm learning that God loving me means that God enjoys me. Sometimes, believing this makes it a little less scary to hang out with Him. Sometimes I'm so afraid of being still, of hearing Him speak, so terrified that all I'll hear is the angry and dismal drum of His voice beating "You have dis-ap-point-ed Me." Instead, I can live safe in His love and face the things that He wants to turn around in me and make more like Him because Him chastising me is not withdrawing His love. It's actually a way for Him to express it.
I am a needy person too. Sadly. I've been trying to avoid that most of my life, being so very careful not to be an inconvenience, a burden, a disappointment.
But how else can I be humble except to realize that I am needy, that I too have cares to cast on God (1 Peter 5:6)?
How else can I really let myself be loved without accepting love?
How can I root out pride in my life without realizing the source of the issue: my view of love?
Long before I visited Renee, I have been a firm believer in counseling for others, especially because I've had relationship and interaction with the different counselors that work at Multnomah University. Chris and Lisa are incredible people, as are the interns that have lovingly given their time to Multnomah students. I think of Andrew and Eva as well as Mike who have been working here this year. Even though I believe that only Jesus heals, I firmly believe that sometimes (often), He has to use other people to be conduits of that healing. He has made humans in a certain way so that there are certain patterns to healing. As a doctor is trained to heal the broken patterns in a body, so a counselor learns a skill of helping rework broken patterns in our hearts. They're not the end-all, be-all, but they sure can be used by Jesus.
Renee helped me become a firm believer in counseling for myself and helped me experience the potential and healing of it. It was very, very much God's Spirit leading me to scribble my name down so impulsively on that extra-credit counseling sheet. It was most definitely Jesus' careful guidance that placed me with you. Thank you for playing a part in making me more of whole person. Truth does set people free. Jesus is right. You were an instrument.
I am still far from living into the gift of my humanity or of my beloved-ness (as Henri Nouwen likes to describe it). I really am. I'm a little closer though. :) I'm a little healthier and a little more aware of His love. I am beyond grateful for that progress.
What is the need in you that God has placed in your life? Maybe you'll find it in the places that make you feel most vulnerable. Vulnerability isn't comfortable, but how freeing it is to actually learn to embrace that vulnerability in a way that helps us live the life that we were designed to live, to make new patterns of a healthier normal and to embrace the parts in our lives that are who we are, to accept those parts as normal and loved?
This is what I leave you with.
Counseling: If you get the chance, do it. No matter how healthy you think you are. *wink*
Being human: Living into who you are meant to be will translate into living a free life. A full life. A more holistic life. It is good to be human. After all, weren't we created to be?
Being loved: You are. You have been made to be worthy of His love. Seek it. Enjoy it. Enjoy others. Love changes everything.
as a small, child-like person who wants to be credible and intelligent and adult
and
as an indispensable part of people's lives, as needed, necessary and important to all.
Renee, you taught me to shift perspective, to look at my problems as stemming from sin, yes, but also from the vulnerability of how God created me.
Yes, I am proud. (SIN). Yes, I believe that I need to be needed and struggle with platonic friendships, but that pride is deeper than something I could just pluck out of a garden. Roots aren't just a careless metaphor. Sin is a complicated thing, and this sin has more depth than its outward behavior. It comes from a legitimate need to be loved, a need that points to the vulnerability that God created in me. (VULNERABILITY). I cover up the need by trying to do things my own way. I become the special person who pours out her soul with the subtle and subconscious hope of being loved in return. As I fulfill this role for myself, I become untouchable. I create a standard for myself that is far above the standard of being human. I have to be perfect in order to be loved, so I expect myself to be, and I either punish myself when I do wrong or criticize those around me to protect me from facing my own heart. I busy myself in order to not hear the silence, to not hear the possibility that I may not be all that special and because of that, I may not be all that loved.
Renee, you held the shovel and showed me how to dig carefully. While I was trying to cut down the tree from the trunk, you showed me how to dig with gentleness and kindness toward myself in order to understand the roots. You taught me to see that my idea of being "special" or my fear of admitting my own needs isn't just a pride issue to be taken care of quickly and ruthlessly, but it leads me towards a vulnerability of my need to be loved.
Vulnerability.
It makes me human. Our needs make us human, don't they? What other creatures need to be loved? Sure, all things of earth need to be taken care of, but who else needs the emotional and spiritual act of love?
Renee, you helped me on this journey of re-routing my identity. You helped teach me to "embrace" my vulnerability of needing to be loved as you led me to the Father. I have always known that God has loved me, but while saying that, I have lived with my head always over my shoulder, hoping He's watching, hoping He's not disappointed in me, anticipating the expression on His face. I have categorized love as sounding like the words, "I'm proud of you." You know what that means though, don't you? That if I believe that "I'm proud of you" means "I love you," than I believe that "I am disappointed" means "I don't love you right now."
Stephen Chbosky says it well: "We accept the love we think we deserve."
I can know in my head that God loves me, but I can also look at my life and see a million downfalls and character flaws that I know aren't pleasing to Jesus, that seem so disappointing. I have struggled to believe I deserve His love. Struggling to believe is struggling to accept His love.
I asked you, Renee, how can we really believe that we deserve love? Isn't that self-centered and self-worshiping? After all, I don't deserve what Jesus did for me on the cross. I don't deserve Him dying, Him loving me so powerfully. I don't believe I deserve that. I know I don't, so how can I accept His love for me as something of which I'm deserving?
And you offered me the kindest gaze of compassion and empathy, and it almost looked like you were about to cry with me and for me . . .
"Danae, you are expensive. Jesus has made you new, and when the Father looks at you, He sees His Son. You have been made to be worthy of His love."
And for some reason, all of the same truth I thought I learned in Sunday School and all I learned in Church and Bible School somehow never taught me that song the way that your words did.
Me?
I can actually believe that I have been re-created to be worthy of His love, simply because I am made new through His Son?
I am loved? In a love that isn't about pleasing or escaping disappointing but in just being?
I like to say that often with me, the simplest things are the most profound. This was profound.
I'm learning to live loved, to actually accept the love of a Father who transformed me and rewired me enough to be made humbly worthy of His love in a way that I can accept it. Living with this understanding of a need for love and in the fulfillment of this need makes me human.
You taught me, Renee, that sometimes, loving people is enjoying them. Because I've lived my life secretly needy and have been urged on by my own neediness to fulfill the needs around me, I've equated fulfilling needs so much with love. That is such a restless and inadequate picture of love because it means that when love isn't reciprocated out of my hard work to meet people's needs and make them happy, than I'm anxious and frustrated and feel unappreciated. Love isn't like that. Love means that I enjoy people, who they are, not simply in what they can give me in terms of fulfillment of being needed or in the identity I feel they give me.
I'm learning that being loved means being enjoyed too. This frees me up to having platonic friendships that aren't need-based but are love-based. What if I were vulnerable and brave enough to let myself be in relationships where I wasn't needed? What if I gave others the chance to love me instead of protecting myself in a way that de-humanizes me and forces me to be superhuman and walled in?
I'm learning that God loving me means that God enjoys me. Sometimes, believing this makes it a little less scary to hang out with Him. Sometimes I'm so afraid of being still, of hearing Him speak, so terrified that all I'll hear is the angry and dismal drum of His voice beating "You have dis-ap-point-ed Me." Instead, I can live safe in His love and face the things that He wants to turn around in me and make more like Him because Him chastising me is not withdrawing His love. It's actually a way for Him to express it.
I am a needy person too. Sadly. I've been trying to avoid that most of my life, being so very careful not to be an inconvenience, a burden, a disappointment.
But how else can I be humble except to realize that I am needy, that I too have cares to cast on God (1 Peter 5:6)?
How else can I really let myself be loved without accepting love?
How can I root out pride in my life without realizing the source of the issue: my view of love?
Long before I visited Renee, I have been a firm believer in counseling for others, especially because I've had relationship and interaction with the different counselors that work at Multnomah University. Chris and Lisa are incredible people, as are the interns that have lovingly given their time to Multnomah students. I think of Andrew and Eva as well as Mike who have been working here this year. Even though I believe that only Jesus heals, I firmly believe that sometimes (often), He has to use other people to be conduits of that healing. He has made humans in a certain way so that there are certain patterns to healing. As a doctor is trained to heal the broken patterns in a body, so a counselor learns a skill of helping rework broken patterns in our hearts. They're not the end-all, be-all, but they sure can be used by Jesus.
Renee helped me become a firm believer in counseling for myself and helped me experience the potential and healing of it. It was very, very much God's Spirit leading me to scribble my name down so impulsively on that extra-credit counseling sheet. It was most definitely Jesus' careful guidance that placed me with you. Thank you for playing a part in making me more of whole person. Truth does set people free. Jesus is right. You were an instrument.
I am still far from living into the gift of my humanity or of my beloved-ness (as Henri Nouwen likes to describe it). I really am. I'm a little closer though. :) I'm a little healthier and a little more aware of His love. I am beyond grateful for that progress.
What is the need in you that God has placed in your life? Maybe you'll find it in the places that make you feel most vulnerable. Vulnerability isn't comfortable, but how freeing it is to actually learn to embrace that vulnerability in a way that helps us live the life that we were designed to live, to make new patterns of a healthier normal and to embrace the parts in our lives that are who we are, to accept those parts as normal and loved?
This is what I leave you with.
Counseling: If you get the chance, do it. No matter how healthy you think you are. *wink*
Being human: Living into who you are meant to be will translate into living a free life. A full life. A more holistic life. It is good to be human. After all, weren't we created to be?
Being loved: You are. You have been made to be worthy of His love. Seek it. Enjoy it. Enjoy others. Love changes everything.
Monday, March 24, 2014
John Doe
This post isn't something theologically profound. Instead, it's basically just very human. Human emotion. Human cry. I'm learning about being human . . . sometime, I'll share more, but for now, I'll leave you with this short expression of a heart, needing to write itself in words . . .
I don't often share or listen to songs like this, but this song really impacted me. Deeply.
"John Doe, I just want the John I know.
Once you put the drinks on hold,
Maybe you could come back home?"
The cry in this song is more real and more human than I've heard in a long time. This song resonates with something in me a little too deep and difficult to explain . . . But if we take a step back, isn't there someone we all know who we wish would come home? Isn't there a part of us that wants to come home ourselves, that wants to stop running in our own fear and rest safe in Love?
To all the John and Jane Doe's in my life and in yours . . .
You have been made to be worthy of all the love in the world. Please come Home.
I don't often share or listen to songs like this, but this song really impacted me. Deeply.
"John Doe, I just want the John I know.
Once you put the drinks on hold,
Maybe you could come back home?"
The cry in this song is more real and more human than I've heard in a long time. This song resonates with something in me a little too deep and difficult to explain . . . But if we take a step back, isn't there someone we all know who we wish would come home? Isn't there a part of us that wants to come home ourselves, that wants to stop running in our own fear and rest safe in Love?
To all the John and Jane Doe's in my life and in yours . . .
You have been made to be worthy of all the love in the world. Please come Home.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
"Domestic Samaritan"
"Farther up the same road [author is describing the flow of his book], we will visit those amateurs who have intentionally risked getting hurt - hanged, gassed, or shot - in order to help their neighbors in times of oppression. The fascinating thing about these people is that the most heroic turn out to be homebodies. Their help is based in their homes. Of course, even in times of peace, the role of 'Domestic Samaritan' can be harrowing- for the simple reason that the people we love most are often the very people we find it most difficult to help." -Garret Keizer "Help: The Original Human Dilemma"
I'm only on page 12, but I'm digging this book. This is so confirming and comforting to me. I have so little idea of where Jesus will take me after grad. The smallest of dreams I have is to have a home, an open, welcoming home, marked by grace, laughter, tears, peace, healing, just raw, honest living. I don't want to need a home, but to think that Jesus has used "Domestic Samaritans" for His good was confirming excitement that maybe He could use this silly dream in whatever context He chooses for His glory.
What dream has He given you? Even the smallest of smalls? He can bless and break even fish to feed thousands. What might He do with our smallest of offerings?
I'm only on page 12, but I'm digging this book. This is so confirming and comforting to me. I have so little idea of where Jesus will take me after grad. The smallest of dreams I have is to have a home, an open, welcoming home, marked by grace, laughter, tears, peace, healing, just raw, honest living. I don't want to need a home, but to think that Jesus has used "Domestic Samaritans" for His good was confirming excitement that maybe He could use this silly dream in whatever context He chooses for His glory.
What dream has He given you? Even the smallest of smalls? He can bless and break even fish to feed thousands. What might He do with our smallest of offerings?
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
On the Wind of Twenty-One Breaths
It's been my Multnomah tradition since year one that I sit and blog the night before my personal new year.
So here I am. :)
I'm in a different dorm this year. A different stage in life. A very different state of mind as I type.
And I don't know what year twenty-two holds, but my prayer is that it's marked by Faith and More. More of Jesus.
Much, much more of Jesus.
And less of whatever it takes . . . to have more.
I hope to blog more soon, but tonight, I sign off for the last time as a twenty-one year old with my last Facebook status that shares what's been ringing through my heart these past few days. He is up to something!
Much love!
"You call me out upon the waters . . . "
Jesus, please call me. Call me to come to You. Call me to step foot into the indented earth Moses walked on. My feet are smaller, but surely these footsteps can lead me to You?
I won't lie. I can't. I'm translucent, and You see through the tunneled arteries and veined lies. I'm scared. You call me out, and it costs all. I'm afraid of the cost, but I'm also afraid that I'll step out and turn my eyes toward the people in the stands . . . instead of You. Instead of You, my Love. I'm afraid of what is in my own heart.
This is a new season, isn't it? Open-ended unknown, and You call me to lay down, to speak from the inner parts I unknowingly hide. To let the unheard monsters, silently destroying, find light and die there exposed.
I am all in for radical . . . the faithful, persistent, visionary kind, what Ann Voskamp calls the "gritty radical." I'm all in. I'm in for seeing His kingdom really come. I know there is no other way to live except to live by the "Yes, Lord." These monsters need to die. The fear cannot keep me away from You. This thirst for affirmation will not steal my love for You.
So please, please call me to come. I'll trip on the way . . . I know it. I'll forget who I am, and I'm bound to forget who You are, but if You'll be patient (You are) . . . if You help me be brave and firm (You do) . . . if You'll be slow to anger, merciful, gracious (You will be) . . . I'll sure try.
Today is a new day.
So here I am. :)
I'm in a different dorm this year. A different stage in life. A very different state of mind as I type.
And I don't know what year twenty-two holds, but my prayer is that it's marked by Faith and More. More of Jesus.
Much, much more of Jesus.
And less of whatever it takes . . . to have more.
I hope to blog more soon, but tonight, I sign off for the last time as a twenty-one year old with my last Facebook status that shares what's been ringing through my heart these past few days. He is up to something!
Much love!
"You call me out upon the waters . . . "
Jesus, please call me. Call me to come to You. Call me to step foot into the indented earth Moses walked on. My feet are smaller, but surely these footsteps can lead me to You?
I won't lie. I can't. I'm translucent, and You see through the tunneled arteries and veined lies. I'm scared. You call me out, and it costs all. I'm afraid of the cost, but I'm also afraid that I'll step out and turn my eyes toward the people in the stands . . . instead of You. Instead of You, my Love. I'm afraid of what is in my own heart.
This is a new season, isn't it? Open-ended unknown, and You call me to lay down, to speak from the inner parts I unknowingly hide. To let the unheard monsters, silently destroying, find light and die there exposed.
I am all in for radical . . . the faithful, persistent, visionary kind, what Ann Voskamp calls the "gritty radical." I'm all in. I'm in for seeing His kingdom really come. I know there is no other way to live except to live by the "Yes, Lord." These monsters need to die. The fear cannot keep me away from You. This thirst for affirmation will not steal my love for You.
So please, please call me to come. I'll trip on the way . . . I know it. I'll forget who I am, and I'm bound to forget who You are, but if You'll be patient (You are) . . . if You help me be brave and firm (You do) . . . if You'll be slow to anger, merciful, gracious (You will be) . . . I'll sure try.
Today is a new day.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
The Name of Twenty-Fourteen
Once upon a time, the world turned 2014, and somehow I celebrated her birthday and forgot to write the card -- the January blog post.
I lost myself and the words in the whirlwind of January and now a blizzard of a February just arrived, and it's time I take a few minutes to breathe, reflect, focus.
The snow slows everything down. I love that. My school has been closed since Thursday afternoon due to snow, and while a bunch are getting a little stir crazy, it is the sweetest thing to be together, to just sit and pause and watch the Olympics on a Saturday night or to try sledding or snow-angel-making or hot-chocolate-drinking . . . together.
And as the snow slows me down, I take a break away from the togetherness to be together with you, to share with you about this new 2014 and the gift I've been given in it.
The gift is in the word. Several bloggers have chosen to pick one word for their year. To mark and measure their year by their one, handpicked word. I'm pretty sure I've done that before, but I don't remember what my other words had been. I know I often take a long time pondering (aka over thinking) such things . . . it always has to be perfect. The right word. Right nuance.
But this year, the word given me was given clearly and simply and quickly.
The word of 2014 is nothing remarkably unique or creative or controversial.
But it's the bridge that bears me up over oceans.
I am called to possess it, to choose it when those oceans rage anger.
Or even when they seem hauntingly, beautifully calm.
I've walked the Bible way since I was old enough to read and think. I'm learning to walk the Jesus way, intentionally and purposefully, and sometimes, all the Bible words I danced with when I was little have been misunderstood and seem too quiet.
But faith is no bland word. It's not self-defined by my Christian-ese.
No. Faith is powerful.
It's active and difficult and strong, and without it, there is no way I can even please my Father God.
There is NO WAY! Yet I admit bashfully and somewhat shamefully . . . I'm not even sure I know what it means.
I think I've learned a little in these past few weeks.
I'm excited to share and yet to also keep extending myself into this powerful believing and trusting that I don't fully understand yet but for which I am grasping. Come with me? Maybe we can figure some of this out together. In the snow. Or the freezing rain. Or in whatever way sweet Oregon ends up displaying her affection.
All God's peace!
I lost myself and the words in the whirlwind of January and now a blizzard of a February just arrived, and it's time I take a few minutes to breathe, reflect, focus.
The snow slows everything down. I love that. My school has been closed since Thursday afternoon due to snow, and while a bunch are getting a little stir crazy, it is the sweetest thing to be together, to just sit and pause and watch the Olympics on a Saturday night or to try sledding or snow-angel-making or hot-chocolate-drinking . . . together.
And as the snow slows me down, I take a break away from the togetherness to be together with you, to share with you about this new 2014 and the gift I've been given in it.
The gift is in the word. Several bloggers have chosen to pick one word for their year. To mark and measure their year by their one, handpicked word. I'm pretty sure I've done that before, but I don't remember what my other words had been. I know I often take a long time pondering (aka over thinking) such things . . . it always has to be perfect. The right word. Right nuance.
But this year, the word given me was given clearly and simply and quickly.
The word of 2014 is nothing remarkably unique or creative or controversial.
But it's the bridge that bears me up over oceans.
I am called to possess it, to choose it when those oceans rage anger.
Or even when they seem hauntingly, beautifully calm.
{Faith}
I've walked the Bible way since I was old enough to read and think. I'm learning to walk the Jesus way, intentionally and purposefully, and sometimes, all the Bible words I danced with when I was little have been misunderstood and seem too quiet.
But faith is no bland word. It's not self-defined by my Christian-ese.
No. Faith is powerful.
It's active and difficult and strong, and without it, there is no way I can even please my Father God.
There is NO WAY! Yet I admit bashfully and somewhat shamefully . . . I'm not even sure I know what it means.
I think I've learned a little in these past few weeks.
I'm excited to share and yet to also keep extending myself into this powerful believing and trusting that I don't fully understand yet but for which I am grasping. Come with me? Maybe we can figure some of this out together. In the snow. Or the freezing rain. Or in whatever way sweet Oregon ends up displaying her affection.
All God's peace!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Last Glimpse: 2013
It's become a tradition for me to sit down near December's end and go through all of my prayer journals for that past year. It's an incredible time to remember, of seeing with a different vantage point the terrain that Jesus has led me through. It's memorable, painful, hopeful. It's a gift to be able to track some of the trails of the year, to see some of the ways they wind into each other, as I spot patterns, themes.
I have 11 pages of notes I made from the year. It was a wild one.
I was reading through part of James 1 Sunday night, and it interprets me. It interprets this rickety 2013 of a year.
I read it slow.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,
for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (1:2-4)
From the get go, even before spring semester began, I got my first test. I didn't see it as a test of faith. {it was} I saw it as a test of whether or not He should have faith in me. {it most definitely wasn't}
The beginning of 2013 was full of a lot of brokenness, tears, attempts to regain my balance and breath. I was so afraid I had failed the Lord that I neglected my faith in Him. I was so afraid when I couldn't see Him working in my life, when I couldn't feel His love.
Praise the Lord for His patience, for the way He grows us in the midst of the pain, for the way that He tends to our faith, even when we're so incapable of growing it ourselves.
It took a long time for me to become a little stronger, to trust that He is the true Redeemer, that He has my little, weak life in His hands, that He is the One holding me up, definitely NOT the other way around. I pray, oh how hard I pray in this moment that the progress we made together will result in a steadfastness, a more sturdy resolve that will outlast the potentially more painful seasons ahead. I am beginning to trust Him more. I have seen His goodness. I have seen His redemption. I have seen His Light in the darkness. I will follow Jesus. :) It's so hard . . . but it's so worth it!!! :)
2013 was a year of answered prayer . . .
The Lord brought Jessica into my life, a woman who has become one of my closest friends, who understands a conservative background, who encourages me to really follow Jesus. I prayed for a friend in January who could help me walk through some of my questions. Praise JESUS! He answered with one of the most wondrous gifts of a friend! :)
Jesus provided clarity and affirmation for decisions I didn't understand in the making. Holy, holy, holy.
Sweet friend prayed for peace for me when I was desperate for it (her not knowing this), and my pastor preached a sermon on peace that very day in a way that kept me breathing. Grace.
Being able to get most of the paint I spilled at the Radiator Shop out of the carpet was also a big answer! Ha! Mercy, there were so many times this year when God was so gracious to go behind me and clean up my many messes. We really do love a very good King!
2013 was a year of blessing, even in the painful moments. Three of my friends came down to my house to visit me, home became a place of refuge and joy and rest, one of my profs treated me to dinner and truth and blessing (one of the best memories of this year), my 21st birthday was full of unexpected miracles . . . my first really good day of the year, my sister and I went on several adventures (weird drives, beach trip, hanging out in PDX . . . I love being with you, sissy!), swimming in the nearby lake with friends and sister, going to an interesting church meeting with a friend, hanging out with cousins during the summer (watching "Epic," laughing hard, picnic by a church, swimming in aunt's pool, . . .), MC'ing at my school's All-College Retreat, spending time with wise women, being a bridesmaid for a sweet friend, being a camp counselor at my church's camp, becoming VP at Multnomah (the hard and the blessing of it), laughing so hard with my family when I'm home and our many meals around the table, and so many more . . .
Jesus has been teaching me about faith, about how I must believe that He rewards those who seek Him (Heb 11:6). He's teaching me about how He wants His people to be whole, healed, that His focus is on the healing when He wounds us to heal, not the wounding. He has taught me about the power of worship, of how life-giving it is to us when the Holy Lord God becomes our focus. He has been teaching me about this world and about Light and how Light and Love do make a difference, even when the darkness seems so severe. He has shown me that my love is inadequate to heal or even fix. I can trust the Lord to heal and fix though. I've learned that I cannot focus my energy on fixing needs but on following Jesus. I've come to realize that my ultimate goal should not be to be relevant but to present a gospel that is intrinsically relatable to everyone. I have seen the damage shame does, and I have seen the glory of His grace. Jesus has shown me that He knows what it's like to hunger and that He honors my hunger to be right with Him.
I have seen the goodness of my God.
I have tasted it.
This was the year of Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis, The Holy Wild by Mark Buchanan. This was the year of new songs, of "Shine" (Christa Wells), "Let Go" & "Trust" (Matt Hammit), "Carry Me Now" (Josh Wilson), "Oceans" (Hillsong United), "Symphony" (Tim Be Told), "The Beat" (Ben Rector), "Already There" (Casting Crowns), "Loved" (JJ Heller).
Here are some of my heart cries from 2013:
"I want to hear Your words because I'm pretty sure they would be gentle or even if not, and You'd have to raise Your voice, at least I could trust Your voice, even if Your Words hurt. I'd rather be hurt by You than be hurt by satan's lies."
"Help me to believe that You desire to lead me into freedom and not bondage, that You know what I need and that there are some things I need that really can be enjoyed, that I'd love."
"It's high time I become a woman of integrity, that I stop playing games and kill the pride and fear that make me try to hold on [when I need to let go] . . . It's time - by Your grace and power, through Your work in me - to follow You fully, to make this about You."
"Remind me -
no one is as deep as You,
no one can show me more of the gospel and its realness than You.
no one can draw me out of myself more than You can.
no one will be more faithful,
will know how to make me laugh,
will always be close to comfort and convict
no one - but You."
I'm glad 2013 is coming to a close. It was one wild year, but one I try to gather courage to thank Him for. :) It was a painful year, a faith-testing year. There were failures, victories, but all encompassed in a faithful love. My Savior is much more powerful than I dreamed and much more compassionate than I know how to understand.
I'm so glad we don't know what the year will be like when it begins, and I praise Him for the way He can make good out of such painful seasons, that He wastes nothing. :)
May our faith become more and more steadfast, sturdy, on a God who has proven Himself faithful and kind in the year ahead.
On to more adventures! :)
Friday, December 20, 2013
"The World Waits For a Miracle: O Come, Emmanuel"
I wanted to share on here two of my recent posts on Facebook because I want to make sure I keep them, that I come back to them more often. I don't want to forget . . .
December 18th
Please watch this. Watch it to the end. I cried. Oh Lord, keep the tears fresh.
Please, Jesus, yank off the curtains concealing this slave-trade. Please heal our blindness. Touch our eyes so they cry and our hearts so they mourn. It's not enough to watch and see. What do You want me to do? Me? What can I do?
December 19th Crud, heartbreaking videos two days in a row. Part of me feels guilty for posting it, but I think a greater part of me should feel guilty for not.
I cling to things that help me feel in order to understand, to things that change my perspective enough to break my heart. These last two videos have done that.
Christmas amazes me. It was an event marked in poverty. A poor couple gives birth to the Savior of the world in a barn stall. Jonalyn Fincher compares Mary having Jesus in a manger to Him being born in a Motel 6 janitor's closet ("Open the Stable Door"), and yet America has made it one of the biggest spending holidays around. God's given me abundant riches, even as a college student, compared to the rest of the world. Am I hoarding? Or am I making room for Jesus? Am I seeking out every manager and gifting Him when I see Him in the eyes of the Gospel for Asia kids or those who need fresh water in Africa? Am I reaching out to those in the small town I'm living in, looking for needs, grabbing a couple extras groceries to take to the Food Bank? Am I listening to His Spirit moving me? Because I am CONVINCED that He will move me to love the poor. I'm absolutely convinced. I am convinced He would have me mourn with the mother from India abandoning her child. I am convinced He would have me pray for the deliverance of the 17 year old girl being sex-trafficked. He has made us to be compassionate . . . to suffer with.
Move my heart, O God. Please, literally jolt it out of place, closer to Yours. Remove from me the ideal of a perfect, glitzy, American Christmas. Teach me TRUE Christmas, TRUE Compassion. You have modeled it in incomprehensible ways. I praise You for what You are doing in the world. I praise You that Your Light and Hope is shining, and that in the end, there is nothing that can overcome Your light.
Watch Here:
imagine if - Video Series - Gospel for Asia
I am convinced of this: The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. I can't see that right now, but I KNOW it is true, I KNOW that we will see this. We will see LOVE win victoriously over every hatred. We will see His LIGHT pierce every darkness. The sex trafficking days are numbered. The days of poverty are numbered. Come, oh come, Emmanuel.
The Messiah has come, and He will come again. O come, o come, Emmanuel.
This is the Hope I pray in, a Hope that is REAL, based on that which is Promised, which WILL be given. Hallelujah. Merry Christmas, dear one!
December 18th
Please watch this. Watch it to the end. I cried. Oh Lord, keep the tears fresh.
Please, Jesus, yank off the curtains concealing this slave-trade. Please heal our blindness. Touch our eyes so they cry and our hearts so they mourn. It's not enough to watch and see. What do You want me to do? Me? What can I do?
December 19th Crud, heartbreaking videos two days in a row. Part of me feels guilty for posting it, but I think a greater part of me should feel guilty for not.
I cling to things that help me feel in order to understand, to things that change my perspective enough to break my heart. These last two videos have done that.
Christmas amazes me. It was an event marked in poverty. A poor couple gives birth to the Savior of the world in a barn stall. Jonalyn Fincher compares Mary having Jesus in a manger to Him being born in a Motel 6 janitor's closet ("Open the Stable Door"), and yet America has made it one of the biggest spending holidays around. God's given me abundant riches, even as a college student, compared to the rest of the world. Am I hoarding? Or am I making room for Jesus? Am I seeking out every manager and gifting Him when I see Him in the eyes of the Gospel for Asia kids or those who need fresh water in Africa? Am I reaching out to those in the small town I'm living in, looking for needs, grabbing a couple extras groceries to take to the Food Bank? Am I listening to His Spirit moving me? Because I am CONVINCED that He will move me to love the poor. I'm absolutely convinced. I am convinced He would have me mourn with the mother from India abandoning her child. I am convinced He would have me pray for the deliverance of the 17 year old girl being sex-trafficked. He has made us to be compassionate . . . to suffer with.
Move my heart, O God. Please, literally jolt it out of place, closer to Yours. Remove from me the ideal of a perfect, glitzy, American Christmas. Teach me TRUE Christmas, TRUE Compassion. You have modeled it in incomprehensible ways. I praise You for what You are doing in the world. I praise You that Your Light and Hope is shining, and that in the end, there is nothing that can overcome Your light.
Watch Here:
imagine if - Video Series - Gospel for Asia
I am convinced of this: The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. I can't see that right now, but I KNOW it is true, I KNOW that we will see this. We will see LOVE win victoriously over every hatred. We will see His LIGHT pierce every darkness. The sex trafficking days are numbered. The days of poverty are numbered. Come, oh come, Emmanuel.
The Messiah has come, and He will come again. O come, o come, Emmanuel.
This is the Hope I pray in, a Hope that is REAL, based on that which is Promised, which WILL be given. Hallelujah. Merry Christmas, dear one!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Worship: Access into His Presence, into His Wholeness
There must be a different way to measure a life than these things called days and weeks and months, because I'm never able to wrap around the measuring tape before the thing squirms away from me.
I'm in my room, my home. It's Thanksgiving break, and I have a very nice to-do list, part of my family's sick, and it's almost time to go back to school and finish out a semester.
But as I'm here, enjoying the feeling of being still, I'm listening to a Kathy Troccoli CD, her 2005 worship album.
I can't tell you how much peace and hope you can find in a 2005 worship album.
I used to think that when I came to God in worship, I had to unload all my problems and struggles before Him first, or when my heart was full with my friends' pain and struggles, I thought I'd need to let go of the pressure in my heart before praising.
But I think I've been shown another way.
Awhile back, I went to the prayer chapel at my school. It's this sweet little building that looks like a miniature church where students can come and spend time praying, seeking, singing. I had so much to pray for; my heart was so overwhelmed.
I tried to pray but really couldn't get anywhere, so I started playing on the piano and singing. I sang, trying to sing my prayers.
"O precious is the flow,
That makes him white as snow,
No other fount I know.
Nothing but the blood of Jesus."
"Carry her every day,
Carry her all the way.
Hallelujah,
Carry her to the cross."
It was the week that so many I knew seemed to be falling apart. So many broken hearts.
And as I sang, I found myself in His presence.
And there is nothing more healing than His presence.
Jesus taught me that. Those wounded, sick, all they had to do was come into contact with the Savior, Him placing hands on broken flesh, broken eyes, ears. They were made well.
I realize that Jesus doesn't heal everything in His presence each time, and He definitely doesn't heal everything automatically, but there is wholeness in His presence that can't be found anywhere else. There is peace and joy there.
I realized that I could come praising and that relying on His character and praising Him for that would (in a way) allow each part of His character to touch each part of my brokenness.
This doesn't mean there's not a time for me to tell Him what is going on in my heart, and there is definitely always a very real place for confession. That has to be done, but maybe there really is something to the idea of "A.C.T.s", praying through Adoration, then Confession, then Thanksgiving. It's when I come in contact with His holiness that I realize my sinfulness. It's when I come in contact with His compassion that I realize I have a million reasons to say "Thank You." I worship Him for who He is and what He's done, and in so doing, I find that somehow, I leave, and my soul is a little more restored.
I love this Kathy Troccoli CD for the sound of the piano music, for the songs she picked, yes, but what I truly love about it is that it's access into His presence. Worship. It's the reminder that Jesus is worthy of praise and that His character meets me here, in a small town, in my yellow room, in my young and naive heart.
I can enjoy Him and be here and do homework and rest. I can let Him move my heart.
I'm edging into December, and December's been a difficult month for me these past three years. I think this month can be different. I think this month is marked in Hope, in a call to praise always, to praise anyway.
"Turn Your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace."
Come with me? Sing with me? May all praise be to our glorious King!
I'm in my room, my home. It's Thanksgiving break, and I have a very nice to-do list, part of my family's sick, and it's almost time to go back to school and finish out a semester.
But as I'm here, enjoying the feeling of being still, I'm listening to a Kathy Troccoli CD, her 2005 worship album.
I can't tell you how much peace and hope you can find in a 2005 worship album.
I used to think that when I came to God in worship, I had to unload all my problems and struggles before Him first, or when my heart was full with my friends' pain and struggles, I thought I'd need to let go of the pressure in my heart before praising.
But I think I've been shown another way.
Awhile back, I went to the prayer chapel at my school. It's this sweet little building that looks like a miniature church where students can come and spend time praying, seeking, singing. I had so much to pray for; my heart was so overwhelmed.
I tried to pray but really couldn't get anywhere, so I started playing on the piano and singing. I sang, trying to sing my prayers.
"O precious is the flow,
That makes him white as snow,
No other fount I know.
Nothing but the blood of Jesus."
"Carry her every day,
Carry her all the way.
Hallelujah,
Carry her to the cross."
It was the week that so many I knew seemed to be falling apart. So many broken hearts.
And as I sang, I found myself in His presence.
And there is nothing more healing than His presence.
Jesus taught me that. Those wounded, sick, all they had to do was come into contact with the Savior, Him placing hands on broken flesh, broken eyes, ears. They were made well.
I realize that Jesus doesn't heal everything in His presence each time, and He definitely doesn't heal everything automatically, but there is wholeness in His presence that can't be found anywhere else. There is peace and joy there.
I realized that I could come praising and that relying on His character and praising Him for that would (in a way) allow each part of His character to touch each part of my brokenness.
This doesn't mean there's not a time for me to tell Him what is going on in my heart, and there is definitely always a very real place for confession. That has to be done, but maybe there really is something to the idea of "A.C.T.s", praying through Adoration, then Confession, then Thanksgiving. It's when I come in contact with His holiness that I realize my sinfulness. It's when I come in contact with His compassion that I realize I have a million reasons to say "Thank You." I worship Him for who He is and what He's done, and in so doing, I find that somehow, I leave, and my soul is a little more restored.
I love this Kathy Troccoli CD for the sound of the piano music, for the songs she picked, yes, but what I truly love about it is that it's access into His presence. Worship. It's the reminder that Jesus is worthy of praise and that His character meets me here, in a small town, in my yellow room, in my young and naive heart.
I can enjoy Him and be here and do homework and rest. I can let Him move my heart.
I'm edging into December, and December's been a difficult month for me these past three years. I think this month can be different. I think this month is marked in Hope, in a call to praise always, to praise anyway.
"Turn Your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace."
Come with me? Sing with me? May all praise be to our glorious King!
Friday, November 1, 2013
A Few Lessons: Rest
It is the last of the days of October [when I first started this post].
I won't lie. Maybe I breathe a longer sigh of relief than I should because it's over, letting out the steam of a rigorous month and just excited that this season won't last for ever. I sure know I'll mourn its loss, but for now, I am trying to live out the dying days. Kinda ironic. Kinda life.
Not that my life is horrible. Not that my life is always work and no break. Not that my life really is incessantly busy (sometimes it is . . . but not always).
But sometimes I feel so ill-fitted.
Sometimes the weight of the responsibilities get to me, and sometimes my emotions get to me, and sometimes not sleeping enough and eating too much sugar and not exercising like I should . . . it just gets to me.
Sometimes people meeting after people meeting dries me up a little, you know?
Sometimes trying to figure out the bizarre, unresolved corners of my life or even just the future, possible horizons . . . it wears me down. Gets to me.
This whole month, I'm not sure I've learned a lot about rest. I've wrestled though and have wanted to despise it, to call it out as fraud or impossible or that which belongs to the weak or the self-seeking.
But even if I've called it names . . . most of these are undeserved.
These are the lessons of rest (some of which I've learned from friends like Bonnie & Ethan):
1) To rest is to be vulnerable and to trust that the Lord is Sovereign and is the One in control . . . not me.
2) To rest is to realize I'm a person with limitations and that I am more than what I do or produce. I am a daughter of the I AM. His name is not "I DO."
3) To rest is to face myself without distraction. It is the courage to be still and face the Lord and face myself.
4) To rest is to help me safeguard against temptation. The more tired I am, the more prone I am to fall.
5) Rest is not just sleeping. Sleeping isn't even always restful. Rest is a holistic need . . . mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. Rest at its purest seems to be intentional.
6) Peace and Trust and Rest are very intrinsically linked. You have peace when relationships are right, and when relationships are right, there is trust, and only when there is some level of trust can there be true rest.
There are more lessons to be learned. I didn't dig as deep on this one as I should have. This is a rich topic that needs to be unearthed, and I'm so stubborn.
All I know is that sometimes, my life-line is just this . . .
He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
Still waters.
Restoration.
Only in Him does holistic rest come. Jesus.
I won't lie. Maybe I breathe a longer sigh of relief than I should because it's over, letting out the steam of a rigorous month and just excited that this season won't last for ever. I sure know I'll mourn its loss, but for now, I am trying to live out the dying days. Kinda ironic. Kinda life.
Not that my life is horrible. Not that my life is always work and no break. Not that my life really is incessantly busy (sometimes it is . . . but not always).
But sometimes I feel so ill-fitted.
Sometimes the weight of the responsibilities get to me, and sometimes my emotions get to me, and sometimes not sleeping enough and eating too much sugar and not exercising like I should . . . it just gets to me.
Sometimes people meeting after people meeting dries me up a little, you know?
Sometimes trying to figure out the bizarre, unresolved corners of my life or even just the future, possible horizons . . . it wears me down. Gets to me.
This whole month, I'm not sure I've learned a lot about rest. I've wrestled though and have wanted to despise it, to call it out as fraud or impossible or that which belongs to the weak or the self-seeking.
But even if I've called it names . . . most of these are undeserved.
These are the lessons of rest (some of which I've learned from friends like Bonnie & Ethan):
1) To rest is to be vulnerable and to trust that the Lord is Sovereign and is the One in control . . . not me.
2) To rest is to realize I'm a person with limitations and that I am more than what I do or produce. I am a daughter of the I AM. His name is not "I DO."
3) To rest is to face myself without distraction. It is the courage to be still and face the Lord and face myself.
4) To rest is to help me safeguard against temptation. The more tired I am, the more prone I am to fall.
5) Rest is not just sleeping. Sleeping isn't even always restful. Rest is a holistic need . . . mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. Rest at its purest seems to be intentional.
6) Peace and Trust and Rest are very intrinsically linked. You have peace when relationships are right, and when relationships are right, there is trust, and only when there is some level of trust can there be true rest.
There are more lessons to be learned. I didn't dig as deep on this one as I should have. This is a rich topic that needs to be unearthed, and I'm so stubborn.
All I know is that sometimes, my life-line is just this . . .
He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.
Still waters.
Restoration.
Only in Him does holistic rest come. Jesus.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Ode to Day 13, 14, 15, 15 . . . 21
It would be sweet to say that these past few days have been days devoted to rest, and that's why this blog has been so silent.
The silence is eerie. Don't trust it. Though the past two days were pretty restful, some of the other past days haven't been, but I asked for that, right? Didn't I sign up for this?
I really don't feel like I've been busier than most, but I get tired quickly and sometimes just the constant going and going (even if it's not particularly rushed or too stressed) and the consistent people interactions wears me down.
Plus, life isn't restful. It's not.
And that's okay. That has to be okay.
I'm kind of getting sick of "rest." Ha :) Maybe because the seeking of rest can be positive or it can be entirely filled with selfishness and entitlement. How do I seek Him and find rest in Him without coming to rest with my definition of how I think it has to look like?
I wonder if finding rest is finding what Jesus wants for me in each minute, if it may be possible that that late night for a friend or long talk when I should have done homework or however (though extremely tiring) was just what He wanted of me, and maybe I can rest in that.
Maybe there is rest that comes from knowing I am right where I need to be, that if He is really is the One asking this of me, it is fully worth it.
Still not sure what rest means, but step by step, if I can find my way to Jesus, I know I will find the rest that I need, maybe not the rest I assume is perfect but the kind of rest I really need.
The silence is eerie. Don't trust it. Though the past two days were pretty restful, some of the other past days haven't been, but I asked for that, right? Didn't I sign up for this?
I really don't feel like I've been busier than most, but I get tired quickly and sometimes just the constant going and going (even if it's not particularly rushed or too stressed) and the consistent people interactions wears me down.
Plus, life isn't restful. It's not.
And that's okay. That has to be okay.
I'm kind of getting sick of "rest." Ha :) Maybe because the seeking of rest can be positive or it can be entirely filled with selfishness and entitlement. How do I seek Him and find rest in Him without coming to rest with my definition of how I think it has to look like?
I wonder if finding rest is finding what Jesus wants for me in each minute, if it may be possible that that late night for a friend or long talk when I should have done homework or however (though extremely tiring) was just what He wanted of me, and maybe I can rest in that.
Maybe there is rest that comes from knowing I am right where I need to be, that if He is really is the One asking this of me, it is fully worth it.
Still not sure what rest means, but step by step, if I can find my way to Jesus, I know I will find the rest that I need, maybe not the rest I assume is perfect but the kind of rest I really need.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Day 12: His Children Rest
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. {Ephesians}
I am the striving one. Building brick upon brick, every few minutes turning my head toward heaven, seeing if I've caught His eye, gained His approval.
My working, my striving, my hoping that I can earn saving, . . . hopeless.
Ceaseless working. Ceaseless restlessness.
Instead, the fortress I'm building collapses.
The ceaseless working leads to an incessant pride.
I collapse.
But God.
Two words change everything.
But God.
"But God, being rich in mercy . . . " {Ephesians 2:4}
He reaches down and says that I don't have to work to earn anymore . . . because He did.
I am no longer slave but daughter.
I am no longer the far away one, but the one brought near.
I am given the gift of rest, a gift only given to a child. One speaker I heard once said that rest was a gift that proved one's acceptance into a family. Slaves don't rest. Only children do.
Rest, His son. Rest, daughter of His.
We are given the gift and responsibility of walking in His good works for us, but we no longer have to work to gain His approval. This restlessness can cease.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Day 10: Burning Brilliance & Day 11: Resting Spirit
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| http://www.seamepost.com/good-news-2/shooting-stars-dont-miss-them-diary-for-2013/ |
Day 10: Burning Brilliance
Half-way through the torrent. Much behind, so much up ahead.
It's sweet mid-semester break.
How do I live life to the hilt but yet live with the realization that I am not able to do all?
How do I live the paradox of dreaming big dreams but realizing I am incapable of doing anything big in my strength?
Do I burn out brilliant? Giving all at once, a vibrant burst of star streaming across sky? It sure seems like if I'm living for the Kingdom of God, I should be giving ALL for it. I should be expending every possible piece of energy to bring His kingdom here.
But then, what about days like today? When I'm tired? Is there a rhythm to this life, or do I give all some days and label the days in between "recovery"?
Day 11: Being Still Always
I deeply admire William Wilberforce, very eager to read more about him. He worked so hard to accomplish his goals, Kingdom goals. He is quoted as saying, "So enormous, so dreadful, so irremediable did the [Slave] Trade's wickedness appear that my own mind was completely made up for abolition. Let the consequences be what they would, I from this time determined that I would never rest until I had effects its abolition."
Can anyone fault him for swearing not to rest? Or is rest not that simple?
I come to this place wondering what it means that rest may be a multi-faceted mountain.
There is physical rest, spiritual rest, emotional rest, mental rest.
Are pieces of these rests meant to be prioritized over others during certain stages of our lives?
Yes.
Resting our spirits seems to be priority always. Isn't resting rooted in trust? And isn't trust the very privilege and the non-negotiable requirement of the children of God?
Isn't rest, a stillness, that which goes along with knowing that He is God? The Be Still and Know?
While there seems to be very real times when my physical fervor must be expended beyond comfort, isn't it true that regardless, my spirit must always fight for rest in Jesus? Am I maintaining a relationship with Him that leads me to resting in Him, in wholeheartedly trusting Him?
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Day 8 and Day 9: Holistic Rest & Restlessness
Day 8: Survived by a very real grace on three hours of sleep and a two hour nap. Wasn't rested. So exhausted. Weary. And the physical intersects with the emotional at the cross-section of the spiritual.
We were made to be whole.
And we holistically need rest.
Day 9: Still very tired. Of a different sort. The tired that makes me a little weak and susceptible, but at least I'm remembering to blog today! My goodness.
So I'll write.
But only this:
"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You." - St. Augustine
We were made to be whole.
And we holistically need rest.
Day 9: Still very tired. Of a different sort. The tired that makes me a little weak and susceptible, but at least I'm remembering to blog today! My goodness.
So I'll write.
But only this:
"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You." - St. Augustine
Monday, October 7, 2013
Day 7: Only 30 Seconds
Last Wednesday evening was so special to me.
One of the prof's here took me out to dinner. She made me feel so incredibly loved, and I left feeling like Jesus bought me dinner and encouraged my heart, opened some airways so I could better breathe.
It was such a sweet time.
I asked this wise woman about prayer, and I didn't know how to string my question into words, but the heart behind my question was, "I am failing at praying, and I hate it. Will you help me?"
She said that every morning, right when she wakes up, she begins by saying out loud the Lord's prayer and Psalms 23, and throughout the day, she takes several 30 second or so pauses throughout the day, to breathe or pray.
I've been trying. Every morning, I try to begin with those words, the Lord's prayer, Psalms 23. I'm tired and groggy, but somehow, in the short span of time that I've been able to keep it up, I'm a little more anchored when my feet hit the floor.
As for the pauses, I really want this to become part of the way I live. I have definitely been more intentional about resting, about remembering to rest when I consciously take a few seconds to simply breathe, to simply be, to pray, to consciously rest in His presence.
Maybe it's worth a try. What might be your trigger that would help you remember to just pause for 30 seconds? To remember rest?
One of the prof's here took me out to dinner. She made me feel so incredibly loved, and I left feeling like Jesus bought me dinner and encouraged my heart, opened some airways so I could better breathe.
It was such a sweet time.
I asked this wise woman about prayer, and I didn't know how to string my question into words, but the heart behind my question was, "I am failing at praying, and I hate it. Will you help me?"
She said that every morning, right when she wakes up, she begins by saying out loud the Lord's prayer and Psalms 23, and throughout the day, she takes several 30 second or so pauses throughout the day, to breathe or pray.
I've been trying. Every morning, I try to begin with those words, the Lord's prayer, Psalms 23. I'm tired and groggy, but somehow, in the short span of time that I've been able to keep it up, I'm a little more anchored when my feet hit the floor.
As for the pauses, I really want this to become part of the way I live. I have definitely been more intentional about resting, about remembering to rest when I consciously take a few seconds to simply breathe, to simply be, to pray, to consciously rest in His presence.
Maybe it's worth a try. What might be your trigger that would help you remember to just pause for 30 seconds? To remember rest?
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Day 5 & Day 6: A Wedding and a Home . . . Rest
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| *Photo Credits to Brandon Baker* |
I am still so amazed at how peaceful Ciara was throughout the whole process. It was beautiful and supernatural. She was a stunning bride, and even though the day was a whir, that girl was resting on something, or maybe better put, she was resting on Someone. She had put so many prayers into her decision to say "yes," Jesus was central, and there were so many people praying for her. And it seemed that she was really able to thoroughly enjoy such an incredibly beautiful, sweet day . . . not worried or rushed. Joy-filled.
She was resting in His peace.
We can only rest in what is true and sound.
She had heard the Lord's answer over her life, over her marriage. She was living into the "YES." God blessed her with the gift of resting in this truth.
While I don't think resting can ever be substituted with striving, I wonder if there really is a true place where resting and seeking go hand in hand.
If I want to rest in God, I must seek Him. I must know Him as I'm learning about in a book I'm reading right now (The Holy Wild by Mark Buchanan . . . hope to share more soon!).
In order to rest through big (or small) decisions, I need to be seeking Jesus' truth and resting in it. I need to be asking questions and quieting myself for answers. As I follow Him, as I say "YES" in these answers, I will find Him to be a resting place. A Home for the every piece of me.
Day 6 finds me sitting here at this computer on a Sunday at home. I love this place, these people. I'm at rest here . . . a hundred and some miles away from a student leadership title, from an ever busy schedule, from people whom I LOVE but who don't understand my backstories and my genes. But here? Here I'm fairly known, and I'm loved . . . regardless. Home is not perfect. It's filled with four imperfect people, and sometimes, we're not the best communicators. We can be a little dysfunctional, a little messy. We sometimes forget to listen or love or be selfless. But still . . . in the imperfect and the rough, I've found a place of rest.
Because I've found a place where I'm Loved. Known. Safe.
I think of Chris and Conrad's song, "I'm at Home."
A heart can break a thousand times before it finds
The love that makes it beat again
I've had my share of ups and downs in this whole life
Nothing compares
To this love
It's our love
I'm at home when I'm with you
When you're with me worries fade away
This world can take the very life right out of me
And leave me broken on my knees
Sometimes I feel like I just can't go on
But you restore me
It's your love
It's our love
Oh, I'm at home when I'm with you
When you're with me worries fade away
I'm at home when I'm with you
When you're with me and in your arms I'll stay
I'll stay, I'll stay, yeah
I'll never find another
Closer than any other
It's you I love
It's you I love, yeah
The love that makes it beat again
I've had my share of ups and downs in this whole life
Nothing compares
To this love
It's our love
I'm at home when I'm with you
When you're with me worries fade away
This world can take the very life right out of me
And leave me broken on my knees
Sometimes I feel like I just can't go on
But you restore me
It's your love
It's our love
Oh, I'm at home when I'm with you
When you're with me worries fade away
I'm at home when I'm with you
When you're with me and in your arms I'll stay
I'll stay, I'll stay, yeah
I'll never find another
Closer than any other
It's you I love
It's you I love, yeah
I'm confident that Home can be a Person. Having my sister near me feels like home. Even if we were both several countries away . . . if she was near, she would represent a shadow of Home. I could rest. I'd be fine.
I believe that JESUS is HOME. He's not a Shadow. He IS. It is only in His nearness that I can find REST. It is only in His comfort, in the way He knows me through and through, in the depth of His love.
Honestly, besides needing to be much more developed, I suppose my day 5 and day 6 posts should be flipflopped, because really, today I can rest in Jesus as Home, and in this resting, this choosing to lay back into His knowing and loving, I can sit with Him and talk. I can seek His guiding about my next steps. As He guides, I trust. As I trust, I rest.
Trust & Rest.
So much to say. Someday soon.
Much love! Enjoy your Sabbath, my friend.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Day 4: Return and Rest
Should I be blogging now? Definitely not. I should be sleeping. Ha! Irony! Instead, I am deeply in need of a rest that comes in surrender, in placing the words pent-up in my veins into fluent sentences that pump steady beats.
Maybe there's something to that really, that after the creating (the writing) is the resting. Isn't that how Creator God lived that first week? Maybe that's a jump, but I wonder if there's something to be learned in that.
Crud, it's only 28 minutes into a new day, and I already feel like I have failed. That's why I'm here. Needing to write order into my failing, flailing chaos. How do I dare come to YHWH when I've failed? Why should He allow me rest and peace when I should be whipped? I want to just RUN!
Until I read this.
Isaiah 30
Maybe there's something to that really, that after the creating (the writing) is the resting. Isn't that how Creator God lived that first week? Maybe that's a jump, but I wonder if there's something to be learned in that.
Crud, it's only 28 minutes into a new day, and I already feel like I have failed. That's why I'm here. Needing to write order into my failing, flailing chaos. How do I dare come to YHWH when I've failed? Why should He allow me rest and peace when I should be whipped? I want to just RUN!
Until I read this.
Isaiah 30
15 For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,
“In returning and rest you shall be saved;
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”
“No! We will flee upon horses”;
therefore you shall flee away;
and, “We will ride upon swift steeds”;
therefore your pursuers shall be swift.
at the threat of five you shall flee,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on the top of a mountain,
like a signal on a hill.
18 Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for Him.
Israel knew what it looked like to run away. They were a restless people. A fleeing people.
I am so restless.
I understand . . . at least in part.
While I am running, my Savior is waiting. He rises up to reach down to me. To pull me up in mercy.
I can choose to run away when I sin, when I blow it (knowingly or unknowingly), or I can come back. I am
offered the chance to return and rest. To stop fighting. To trust that He is God. He is merciful.
offered the chance to return and rest. To stop fighting. To trust that He is God. He is merciful.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Day 3: He Limits the Sea
There are invisible walls that my humanity will not let me climb over. I am not competent enough to burst out of my human skin and overcome my limitations. As superhuman as I try to be, I cannot survive without sleeping. That's bizarre to me. The Lord wired our bodies to rest. The cruelest villain and the kindest saint sleep. The prisoner and the king have to slow down and rest.
Rest is such a piercing declaration that I am fragile. Needy. Vulnerable.
Limited.
I am human and can never overstep that boundary.
Oh my. That doesn't keep me from fighting it. I'm proud, stubborn skin.
To accept rest is to accept that I am not in control. Rest is really trust. I'm excited to write more on that later. :) But for now, the question is offered me, and in return, I'm begged to answer:
danae? will you accept rest? will you accept the fact that i have made you human? i have set limits. i limit the sea and say how far it can come onto the land. i limit how much you can live without taking a moment to stop, to rest. there are limits you do not have to fight, My love. being human is beautiful. I was never above becoming one of you. allow yourself to rest, danae. allow yourself room to be human and to encourage others to be human too. this reminds you that you need Me. oh, you need Me. I love you, danae. come to me. come. only I can teach you true rest.
Rest is such a piercing declaration that I am fragile. Needy. Vulnerable.
Limited.
I am human and can never overstep that boundary.
Oh my. That doesn't keep me from fighting it. I'm proud, stubborn skin.
To accept rest is to accept that I am not in control. Rest is really trust. I'm excited to write more on that later. :) But for now, the question is offered me, and in return, I'm begged to answer:
danae? will you accept rest? will you accept the fact that i have made you human? i have set limits. i limit the sea and say how far it can come onto the land. i limit how much you can live without taking a moment to stop, to rest. there are limits you do not have to fight, My love. being human is beautiful. I was never above becoming one of you. allow yourself to rest, danae. allow yourself room to be human and to encourage others to be human too. this reminds you that you need Me. oh, you need Me. I love you, danae. come to me. come. only I can teach you true rest.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Day 2: Don't Let Me Face Myself
Not entirely fooled. A little . . . but not entirely.
I used to think I was a superstar for keeping my world in motion, . . . until I realized I couldn't hardly stop, or when I did stop during Christmas break or summer, I became a rag doll without a spinal cord, unable to hold myself up and keep myself going. When I stop, I sleep excessive amounts and don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. So I try not to stop. I just run and run and run.
If I want to be honest, if I'm willing to slowly turn around and raise my eyelids enough to look into the mirror I dread . . . I think I maybe know what I'm doing.
That busy whirring, the constant movement, flash of light and wind always . . . this isn't productivity. It's distraction. Anything, anything at all to keep me from facing myself, from pausing enough to really assess how I'm doing before my Savior. Anything to keep me from hearing the sound of my own crying, my own inadequacies, my own weakness. I afraid of what I might hear if I stop. What if these are the only cries I hear: "You're not enough! Not enough! Not enough! NOT ENOUGH." So I don't stop.
And I don't live.
But I long for rest. Oh, I long. I live in the busy, always living city, but my soul knows something about green pastures, and I'm thirsty for the streams He speaks about.
Your call to rest is a call to a trust I'm scared of. I want to though. I am, I really am tired of living distracted. Please teach me about Rest in this season. I'm not sure I even know what it means. You offer Your grace. I breathe. Thank You. Thank You. Holy, Holy, Holy. Amen.
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