One of my sweet friends had me over for dinner tonight. We laid the blanket down on her bedroom floor and had a picnic dinner of yummy, homemade soup and bread and chocolate for dessert. :)
She asked me what I've been learning. I wasn't really sure, but I told her that I've been focusing on brokenness this month. To be honest, I really don't feel like I've been learning what I expected or that I've been changed in the way I expected. She wondered if maybe I've been changed in different ways though. I hope so. I guess God rarely works in ways we expect.
One thing that I've really wanted God to do in my life is to teach me to hate my sin. To HATE. With passion. I struggle to hate. This evening though when I was praying with one of my friends, I asked God to forgive us for our sin . . . that feels so good. Sometimes, I forget to ask Him to forgive me. I forget that I sin. That sounds dumb. It is dumb, but it's true. Sometimes I focus so much on relationship with the Lord that I forget that He is still holy and righteous and that anything I do or think that doesn't align with His character is sin. Anyway, as I prayed that, it was so refreshing and freeing, and I wonder if maybe I'm getting it a little bit . . . what it means to come to God, realizing I am broken. I don't function properly yet. He's working in me and redeeming me, but until Heaven, I won't be fully restored.
Coming to God with the understanding that I sin and that it affects Him should leave me with a broken heart. A contrite heart. I want this. I want this to affect my prayer life. To affect the way I see others. To affect the way I see God's goodness . . . a goodness that comes and loves me, even in my dirty. I want brokenness to change the way I see and change the way I love. It can. I know it can.