It's been a wonderful day. Haven't done any homework yet, and while that's kind of a bummers, it's been really refreshing. I've been able to rest, meet with a mentor, pray in downtown Portland with a big group of Jesus-lovers, and in a little while, I'll get to hang out with church people.
But still, my spirit has been restless. Obviously, I've been pretty distracted as seen from the way I've been looking at Internet Mobile Banking and Checking Email in the middle of writing a blog post. Sheesh.
But anyways, back to the restlessness.
So I went to the prayer chapel after taking a refreshing nap. I was needing some re-centering. I thought for awhile at how the Lord had taught me so much of His love this summer, and how we were so close near the beginning of the year, but now, I'm the distracted child with the dazed look in her eyes, needing to sit down for a second and remember. Remember who He is. Who I am.
And I fidgeted in that chapel, hoping for a quick, divine fix so God and I would be golden again, and I'd march right out, all refreshed, ready to nail homework, and live my life.
Epic Expectation Fail.
I expect God to magically fix my brokenness on the spot some days.
Okay. Most days.
And as I sat there, I had to apologize to Jesus for just wanting a quick fix and then life as usual.
NO. He wants me, and really, I really want Him. Not just fast solutions.
And I also realized that I could spend a lot of time in that chapel, chatting at God and explaining myself and how I just wasn't feeling quite with it with Him and why was that again? and What did I do?
I could see myself as the guilty failure who somehow forgot how to stay connected with the Lord. I could see myself as the enemy and in some awful ways, see God as the enemy for not connecting Himself with me (that's awful, but I'm so guilty of it sometimes. Jesus, please forgive me!!!).
I could side WITH God against the sin and the disconnection by asking Him for His brokenness that leads me to humility and healing.
I think the Lord was trying to show me that asking for brokenness realigns me with Him. It's a request that realigns me to His side, His "team", and to relationship with Him.
I'm not sure I communicated that very clearly, but maybe more clear words will come. Regardless though, our King is so gracious. Brokenness is an avenue towards connection to Him.